The best revenge is Living Well
|
Posted:Dec 23, 2017 7:23 am
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2017 6:48 pm
59188 Views
|
Push your enemies into the Well
Absorb their wishes
Listen to the Well
Obey the Well
The other day someone said this to me 'Instead of being ironic and detached , try communicating your thought/critique in a genuine and approachable way . If your ideas are good then say them plainly and defend them , don't hide and deflect every comment with a joke ."
I couldn't think of a joke on the spot to hide from and deflect this comment so I just set her car on fire and no harm done .
It's a situation we all find ourselves in now and again . Your aunt dies and leaves you an apartment building down on Old Arm Post road . You think to yourself "sweet , I can borrow some money against the building" so you tell the 8th Street Lizard Kings that you can front them for a coke deal . But then you find out that the building is leveraged up the wazoo and there's no way to get any equity out of . So you try to back out of the deal but it's too late , you've burned the 9SL Kings on the deal and that's not good . And the kind of money we're talking about here isn't shoot you in the arm money savvy ? So you talk to Lil Peep and she's able to get you in to talk to Jester himself . So you beg for some time to come up with the money and he says he'll give you three days to round up the cash if you get gay with one of his soldiers for his amusement . So you've got a choice you can either suck dick or eat ass .
Now I was talking about this common life scenario with some blokes the other day and they all choose sucking dick , they acted like eating ass was the worst thing you can ever do . Which seems wrong to me . Obviously I'm biased because I am fiend for licking assholes but even setting that aside what you have to consider in this situation is that women also have assholes right ? So it doesn't have to be that weird . But women don't have dicks (apologies if statement is trans-insensitive) so if you're sucking a dick you're clearly going outside your normal routine .
Plus check this out , you can 100% get an STD from sucking a dick , can you get one from anniligus ? Exactly . I mean e coli sure , but which would you rather have gonorrhea or e coli ? I mean it's all kind of gross right ? At least with a rimjob no one is cumming in your mouth .
I'm just saying think about it before you put that dude's dick in your mouth - unless that's what you're into of course . Then go nuts .
In unrelated news I need to skip town for a while - anyone want a house guest ?
According to the internet 'Studies indicate that anilingus is a rare sexual practice between women' this statement by itself tells me nothing . Is the implication that is it NOT rare between women/men and men/men ? Or is the implication that only women do it and even then it's rare ? Your vague statement on ass licking has confused and aroused me internet !
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
The Masturbatorium of Stevie Xanax
|
Posted:Dec 19, 2017 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2017 6:53 am
59557 Views
|
Ten lions would be the minimum for me to build an egress for lions with a working door .
Usually when a movie is successfully there's a slew of lessor quality copycats that come out in the next few . But not after the success of the Wrestler . I guess not even a BAFTA award , a Golden Globe , an Independent Spirit Award and an Academy Award nomination can wash the stink of the world of professional wrestling .
As a youth I watched all the Bond movies , it was like a "thing" you know ? I outgrew it but I did continue to see each new Bond movie until gross Daniel Craig became Bond . So it had been about 15 since I had seen a Bond movie but recently I decided to re-watch them which I am in the process of doing . It's funny how much you forget .
Also it's funny how terrible James Bond is at being a spy . Here's my theory . I think what we're dealing with here is a Spies Like Us situation . James Bond is not the "real" operative . James Bond is the guy who makes a big splash and attracts all the attention from the dirty Russians while the other agents do all the real work . It's like how the MIT Blackjack Team had the dude who's job it was to throw around a lot of and generally be a loud braying jackass to distract from the card-counting .
I'm not sure it he's in on it or not though .
Have you ever wondered that the 10 best songs to strip to are ? Well the internet has got you covered .
10 - Rhianna "Pour It Up"
Disagree , it's too slow paced . I perform better with something upbeat . I feel like they put this on the list just to the hotness of Rhianna . As you all know I have a reoccurring sex dream where she forces me to go down on her at gunpoint . I'm sure that doesn't mean anything .
9 - AC/DC "You Shook Me All Night Long"
Nah . I can't say why exactly just nah .
8 - Inch Nails "Closer"
Da fuck ? This song isn't sexy . I'd rather strip to Head Like a Hole . Get it together internet .
7 - Brittany Spears "Slave 4 U"
I guess they had to put Brit on here somewhere . But every knows if you strip to Brittany you do Toxic . Or at least Work Bitch .
6 - Warrant "Cherry Pie"
Eh . Okay . I'll allow it . 80's music just doesn't seem very stripperific to me .
5 - Christina Aguilera f. Redman "Dirrrty"
Alright now we're talking . This is a song that makes your butthole hot you know what I mean ? Loosens up the giblets . Which is more important to stripping than you'd think .
4 - Ginuwine "Pony"
Obvs . I find it mildly amusing that this song is currently being used in a national commercial for Amazon given that it's dirty as fuck . But I suppose they don't any lyrics though . Still though you can tell a lot about the relationship of the fictional couple in said commercial as his love song is "Truly , Madly , Deeply" and hers is this . I think we know who's on top when these bang .
3 - Vah Halen "Hot for Teacher"
Puke
2 - Pussycat Dolls f. Busta Rhymes "Don't cha"
Here's my feeling on this . You're going to put the Pussycat Dolls on a list of stripping songs because that was their thing . But I mean really does any want to strip to this ? It's like when people list Shakespeare as a great writer but really , who wants to read it ? Nobody .
1 - Def Leppard "Pour Some On Me"
I can't realistiy comment on this because I DESPISE this song . But the reason I despise it is that when I worked at a strip club in college they ed it 700 times an hour . So clearly it is a song that actual strippers strip to , or did in the 90's anyway .
I'm not terribly impressed with this list . Whoever put it together is obviously a of the 80's . Once again the internet has failed me .
What's that ? I should make my own list ? You mistake me madam/sir - I create nothing , I merely tear down what others do . As is the is the way of my people .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Death Leaves an Echo
|
Posted:Dec 18, 2017 5:50 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2017 6:55 am
59671 Views
|
When armor Is useless it makes sense not to wear any . But why stop there ? Why wear anything into battle ? Anyone can be tough in a mech suit but it takes either a really badass hero or a really depraved villain to fight in the nude .
The motivation for this tends to be different for heroes and villains . For villains, it's usually done for creepiness ; instead of being silly or titillating it comes off as really , really scary . The nudity emphasizes brutality and aggression instead of being sexy . It can also indicate that the villain doesn't care at all what people think about him . He left normal human motivations , like modesty and shame , behind him or maybe he has an Übermensch-complex . Or , very creepy indeed , that bloodshed turns him on .
Naked heroes generally don't really have a motivation because they generally don't choose to do it ; when a good guy fights in the nude it's usually out of necessity , from their clothes being stolen or destroyed . This is why a naked hero tends to come off as badass , while a naked villain usually comes off as insane . If they are both dadass and crazy , this might be crazy Awesome for them . Bonus points if they combine this with This Means War Paint .
Remember that scene in Point Break where the nude chick comes out of the shower and karate fights the SWAT team ? Awesome . Was that in the remake ? Probably not . Stupid remakes .
Also the SWAT Team would be a good name for a BSDM bowling league . Which I assume exist .
It is REALLY starting to BUG me that I can't find the HotMatch.com blog they keep tweeting about . The most recent post if a "a beginning's guide to butt stuff" and this is the picture they used ;
Which is annoying because it makes it seems like all men want is to plow ass all day and women aren't into it . Actually that's pretty essentially accurate I suppose .
The other day TLW and I were watching The Living Daylights and I remarked to her "I love that trapezoid shaped 80's butt" and after she stopped laughing (which took a while) she said that the butts in the 80s weren't actually shaped differently it was just the high-waisted panties creating the illusion of trapezoidness . After arguing about the difference between trapezoids and rhombuses (rhombi ? ) , which I won FYI , she eventually came around to my side during the scene with Pushkin's mistress - butts WERE different in the 80s . Also that scene has the most nudity in a Bond movie I'm pretty sure . You see a nipple ! Just one though .
Sidenote did you know what once you play James Bond you're contractually obligated not to wear a tuxedo in any other movie role ? That's why in the remake of the Thomas Crown Affair you never see Peirce Brosnan in a tux .
For those who are interested the butt cycle repeats every century or so ;
Right now we're in the big and round phase , which is my favorite but in the next couple of years we'll be going back to the "flat" stage which is part of all that androgynous shit which I am not a fan of . This will give way to the "slightly curvy" phase which will quickly make way for the idolization of strong , angular butts . After that you go into the major curves phase of the so called hourglass physique - if it can so be called . After that you move into the fitness butt - which is like the strong butt phase but it more slated toward leanness and form than function . Then you get into the super fit butt phase where it's all about muscle . Then you come back down a little bit into the round but toned phase which eventually turns into the big and round phase and the whole cycle begins again . An unbroken circle that will last to eternity .
The important thing that is women will be judged by their appear at all times .
Anyway TLW mentioned that the Living Daylights plot was hard to follow , which is a common complaint about the Bond franchise in general . I took exception to that though because the Living Daylights has one of the more realistic and uncomplicated plots .
Coscov and Joe Don Baker are working on arms deals for fun and profit . Pushkin finds out about this and is going to arrest Coscov because that's not good communisming . Coscov finds out about this so he needs to A ) get rid of Pushkin and B ) get somewhere where Pushkin can't get him until he's dead . So he has one of JDB's cronies kill a couple OO agents and then he says he wants to defect to the West and asks James Bond to get him out . He does have some side action here where he's trying to get his GF killed , this turns out to be a bad idea later .
So Bond gets Coscov out and into a MI6 safehouse where he says that Puskin is behind the killings and he's going to start killing British and US agents all over the place . This is bad so they send Bond to kill Puskin . Coscov mission accomplished so his pal Necros comes and attacks the MI6 safehouse and pretends to kidnap him . Coscov sets up in Africa with his pal JDB banging models and doing non-communist stuff and no one is after him because the KGB thinks the Brits have him and the Brits think the KGB nabbed him back (and presumably killed him) .
That goes sideways of course because Bond didn't kill his GF and he's pumping her for information - if you know what I mean . Actually strangely in the Bond franchise he doesn't bang Kara , they just make out in a ferris wheel - which still managed to be kind of rapey . She wasn't into it and his response "just let it happen" . Ick .
I think what confuses people is that simultaneous to all this the Cos and JDB are in the midst of one of their arms deals . They take 50 million from Pushkin for GD LASERs which is boondoggle in and of itself because they use the 50 million to buy heroin which they're going to flip - and then use that money to get the Russians their lasers and still make themselves rich in the process . It's like when you give your roommate Steve your money for the rent in 2004 and he uses it to gamble - and he wins so he can still pay the rent but that's not the point you know ?
But that's incidental to the main plot . Also I just found out it's actually Koskov but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it . Krazy Russians and their Ks .
BTW did you know that the U in Japanese names is often silent ?
Asuka is pronounced Aska
Sinsuke is pounced Sinske
Hokuto is pounced Hokto
In other news I'm working on a script/story where someone takes control of self-driving cars and uses the people trapped in them as hostages - ramming them into buildings and whatnot until he gets 11 million in bitcoins deposited into his account . But I can't think of a good title . Your thoughts ?
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Doggystyle with a demon
|
Posted:Dec 15, 2017 7:08 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2017 7:23 pm
59393 Views
|
My plans were cancelled last night and I was bored and lly so I decided to try that other website every's been talking about Fuckademonslut - Hookup, Find Sex or Meet a Supernatural Malevolent Being Now .
I was skeptical of course , I mean I'm not even sure I believe in Hell per se so it was a bit of a stretch to think that I could conjure and control a spiritual entity for the purposes of sexually gratification .
So I signed up , created my profile , pledged my eternal soul to Satan etc. et al and after a few minutes of browsing around I decided to give it a go . People want to act like summoning demons is a bad thing . I mean , sure , there’s a chance that of these dukes of the underworld might roll up on you , cast you into eternal darkness and misery and then subject you to his unending , hellish thral l. But you also might get hit by a bus walking the street , am I right ? Plus: remember Solomon ? Biblical King of Israel , of David and wisest dude in the history of always ? That dude summd demons like it was going out of style , mostly to build his temple. Summoning up demons can’t be all that bad then , right ?
What they don't tell you is that it's pretty hard . Particular when doing it on spec as a lark you know ? I mean who's got ashes laying around with which to anoint the 72 spirit voidrenes of your body ? And don't even get me started on the blood .
So pretty quickly I realized that the real top shelf demons on the website were out of my league - I mean to summon Shami-Amourae you need to consume like $100,000 worth of diamond dust . Who has that kind of cash ? Also I'm pretty sure that would be fatal . And that's just he beginning . Where am I going to find the semen of a triple crown winning jockey ? Clearly I had to adjust my expectations .
So tried to summon a couple minor succubi (I'm not even sure why other demons are on there - who wants to pork a glabrezu ? Some sicko probably but you get my point) but it wasn't panning out . You know that thing where you start doing something kind of on a whim and then a couple hours in you don't even care anymore but you keep trying for some stubborn reason ? That .
I got some good tips and finally I managed to up a very low level succubus . Now first of all the stench that billowed out of hellmouth she crawled out of was truly rancid . Hstly I still feel nauseated a day later - all day long I was just sick to my stomach . But hey , they don't talk about the stink of brimst for nothing right ?
But here's the deal her profile picture (for her human form) was this ;
But she pops up in her demon form . Some succubi have very comely demon forms . She was not of them .
She had your standard demon goat legs , which is not what you (well maybe YOU sicko) want in a lady devil in any event but also her hooves gouged the hell out of my wood floors . Above that her skin was a bluish-purple , and normally I am all about ladies of color and that would be right in my wheelhouse , but it was like the color of a deep bruise . So . . . yeah . The weeping pustules around her hips and thighs didn't n either you know . She had a hell (pun ! ) of a rack , I give you that much , but she had very square mannish shoulders which framed them in a weird way - plus her nipples were tiny sucker-mouths like a lamprey which wasn't ing anything .
Her arms tapered down insanely and grotesquely from her lumberjack shoulders until at the wrist it was like an inch around and then flared out again into giant lobster claws . She had a pretty face so long as her mouth was closed - the dang thing split her head in half , it basiy went back to her ears . Her hair was on point though , very shiny and lustrous - they must have good conditir in hell .
She had energy like of those old guys you see at the donut shop that are always jingling change in their pocket and kind of swaying and rapping on countertops and such - not like a nervous energy, not frenetic really , but very active in a weird way . She kind of chewed on her cheeks before she talked .
"I'm PFFR you down to clown or what ?"
I suggested that she should lead off with her human form and she laughed - it sounded like a metal grinder . My ears are stilling ringing .
"You want me to change shape huh chief ? You freaky fucker . Sure , I can do a skink
, a wombat , a swarm of locusts - well not a proper swarm but a bunch of locusts , I can do a mandrill sometimes , that 's tricky . Like half the time I can do a mandrill . You want to use YOUR man drill on a mandrill tiger ?"
She brayed like it was the funniest thing ever .
"I was thinking more of a . . . you know . . . human form ?" I said .
"First of all don't interrupt me"
"Sorry I thought you were d talking ."
"Second of all don't apologize . Third of all I don't do so great with humans . I can do Gene Moore pretty good but that's about it . So if you're into Gene Moore I got you on lockdown champ ."
I said I had no idea who Gene Moore was and she explained that he was a designer and window dresser who died in the 80s . Although it didn't really matter , even if it was Gene Moore the singer I didn't summon a demon to hump a dude . I mentid that I was hoping she could take a form like her profile picture and we both had a good laugh about that . Humans don't even do that , why would I expect better from a demon ?
She gestured at her rancid body "This is a human as I'm likely to get , we doing this thing or what ?"
There were problems with that . She was a hermaphrodite and not the side by side kind - her dick came out of her vagina . Which seemed like an issue . When I mentid as much she showed that she could retract her unit which was fine but how far could it go ? I don't need my dick touching another dick inside a demon-pussy . That concern was moot though because he had shark-teeth lining the thing and her clit was clearly a orpion stinger . Arizona bark orpion unless I miss my mark . So that was a non-go .
"How about a handjob" she queries ping her claws shut with a brutal clacking sounding "these bad boys can crack a ostrich egg - and they have !"
No . She offered me oral but her had no lips really and her skin around her mouth-hole looked very rough , almost like ales . Still I was kind of thinking about it until she licked her lips in what I assume was meant to be enticement - her tongue wasn't forked like a snake's it appeared to BE the tail of a snake . So that was out .
"What about . . . . you know . . . . . anal ?" I finished quietly .
"You don't need to whisper with me bub , you're not going to offend me by saying anal" she bent over and lifted up her donkey tail to reveal a normal seeming asshole "did you know that artisanal when you break it down is Art Is Anal ? You'll never be able to see that word without thinking about that now . Ha !"
I was pretty gun-shy , I mean it looked like a standard asshole but given all the other horrible options it just wasn't worth the risk . Her cruel jibes didn't the situation either . Demon or not that was just rude . I told her I had changed me mind at which point I assumed she would leave but that assumption was incorrect .
She spent the next hours eating 7 boxes of dry spaghetti noodles , watching Hallmark Christmas movies and rattling on endlessly about all the mortals she'd tempted into sinning - which was nothing to brag about . She wasn't talking about getting some famous person to cheat on their wife of anything she was gloating about getting some dude named "Steve" in Idaho to always take a penny and never leave a penny . I hinted that I had work in the morning but then she just started off on a rant about what a hardass her boss was . When I asked who it was she looked at me weird .
"You know , Lucifer , Beelzebub , Mephistopheles - the damn Devil !"
I guess I assumed there was like hierarchy in Hell and I didn't expect she was near the top of the food chain . I guess even Hell doesn't like middle managers . Eventually she left but the orange soda colored stain she left on the loveseat I don't think is ever coming out . I don't know what it is (and I don't want to) but if you get near it your eyes sting like you've been maced .
The punchline is I've had worst Thursday nights you know ?
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
I'd buy that for a bitcoin !
|
Posted:Dec 13, 2017 5:30 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2017 7:27 pm
59345 Views
|
I got a message from what appears to be a non-robot and I'm just pathetic enough to convince myself to drop 30 bucks for GOLD membership so I can read it . . . and HotMatch.com's ment authorization is on the fritz ! Now that's funny . People have ranted and raved for about the crappiness of this website's features and I laughed at them because what do you think this place is ? But the thing you'd think they had on lockdown was the ability to take our . I am tickled pink .
Also HotMatch.com should start their own cryptocurrency ed buttcoin .
Also also somehow my inventory management system got all rewed up - I got 16 burrito shells here and no ground beef . And somehow I have 3 cans of tomato sauce and n of taco sauce . I need an intern around this place . You know the kind I mean .
Also furthermore in addition I've been temporarily obsessed with a porn clip (not clit) as happens every 3.7 . reason is because the lady in it is hilarious . The dude keeps saying stuff like "Say you love it" and she does but then she makes a face like "get of load of this maroon" . It cracks me up . And I wonder if that was part of the plan or if she's adlibbing that . I like to think the latter . You watch enough porn (and believe me I have) every once in a while you come across a woman who's clearly just fucking around . I am reminded of the 3some ene where the lady kept touching the dude's ducks together and the guy was clearly NOT PLEASED about it . More women should do that - it's not like they're going to make you re-shoot . But perhaps the market for wacky porn is too small - like just me .
The other thing I like about it is the dude has a truly massive wang , even for porn , but he doesn't get hard AT ALL . Sometimes guys with large members don't get super hard , that's just biology , but this guy is 100% flaccid - and yet he still manages to thread that needle . It's very awkward though because since he's pushing rope he has to be really careful to keep it in - which makes all his dirty talk all the funnier "Say I own this pussy !" It would have been fantastic if she had said "you own my pussy . . . with your floppy dong" . But maybe she was just sticking to faces because he wasn't in on it .
Plus natural tits , always nice to see those once in a while .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Booze glorious booze
|
Posted:Dec 12, 2017 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2017 7:26 pm
59270 Views
|
I've invented a new holiday cocktail for you ;
half ounce Grenadine
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
half cup pure cane (from Hawaii)
2 ounces Jacopo Poli Grappa
I it the Braincracker Sweet - drinking of these makes visions of plums put on a burlesque show in your head . Of if that's not your style you can try my original creation the Nogtini - eggnog , vodka , and sour apple hnapps .
Sometimes people are all like "40 why are you always trying to invent cocktails you don't even drink so how can you know what's good ?" I submit to you that that is the very reason why I am the perfect person to be inventing drinks - I am not constrained by your traditional views of what tastes "good" or "not disgusting" . Much like robots are the best chefs because they have no sense of taste and Rembrandt was such a great painter because he was blind and had wooden hands .
Speaking of , I read an article the other day "900 sexy tips for sexy sexy sexy sex !" and of them was to have "hands free sex" which is exactly what it sounds like . So I thought I'd spice up my sex life and give it a try . I tell you this hands free masturbation ? That's a real waste of time . I think the article could have made it more clear which tips only work when you have a partner .
I contacted the author about this and they said masturbation isn't sex so n of the tips applied to masturbation . So keep that in mind when you read those kind of things . I guess these elitist jerks assume there's people out there having sex with each other . As if .
I learned a new slang word today - thot . Which is a woman considered to be sexually provocative or promiuous ; a slut or .
Where did I learn this word ? From the Cheesecake Factory twitter account . So I am left to wonder . Did the Cheesecake Factory twitter account get hacked ? Did the Cheesecake Factory social media director find out they were going to be let go at the end of the year ? Or does the Cheesecake Factory not give any fucks ?
I often wonder what the point of corporate twitter accounts is - there seems to be only the possibility for bad things happening there . Like best case enario is no cares what your dumb corporate tweets are . But there's always the chance that some tweets out something horrible and then people are all up in arms .
People talk about the face on Mars but for some reason they never talk about the ass on Mars . They're both leftovers from ages long past when the planets used to make sweet , sweet love to another . But as time passed their bouts of lovemaking became less and less frequent until not ientist generally agree that it's been over 12 million since the last planetary intercourse which took place between Venus and Saturn on Saturn's birthday which was believed to be "very mechanical" and "perfunctory" .
I mean after 5 billion it's just hard to get interested in the same partners you know ? I sincerely wish for the universe's sake that a rogue planet shows up to reignite that spark for the planets . Maybe PSO J318.5-22 will join Tinder .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Hot dogs and gun powder
|
Posted:Dec 10, 2017 11:01 am
Last Updated:Dec 12, 2017 4:33 pm
59248 Views
|
When you're winding down in the shower do you ever turn the water off really slowly so you get a little blast of cold water right at the end (assuming you have a shower where the temperate is controlled by the same nub) ? Me neither , that's something an insane person would do .
I love a good period drama as much as the next person (unless the next person is James Ivory) but one thing that really grinds my gears is when they put all this effort into making everything period specific and then a dude gets naked and he's manscaped to the gills . It's a little thing but it really irritates me . I am pretty sure the executive officer in the 16th The Queen's Lancers at the Battle of Vila Velha didn't shave his ass .
Now I realize the conundrum because the actors are plucked and shaved hairless like a eunuch and they're probably working on other projects so to a certain degree you can't do much if you want to maintain continuity . But still . Give me some kind of chest hair merkin or something .
It's starting to be the annoying time of year . I got to the grocery store are the crack of dawn this morning and it was already jam packed with people . Which is bad enough but this is also the time where it's hard to get good fruit . The only apples about are Honeycrisp which are garbage . And the pears are smaller than my balls . And don't tell me to just buy more because I don't want to eat TWO small pears , I want to eat one normal pear and be done with it damn it !
By the way my balls are the standard comparison for finding a good sized pear . For a small fee I'll come to the grocery store and help you make sure you're getting the good ones because it's hard to eyeball it accurately when my balls aren't right there to compare with .
Unrelated question anyone know a lawyer with expertise in public nudity cases ?
I followed HotMatch.com on twitter as a lark just to see what they had out there but it's had the unexpected side effect of telling me what wrestlers are on HotMatch.com . So if you want to hook up with the Long Island Ice Z he's on here somewhere .
This is his GF if you're interested in what his "type" is ;
Although the tricky part is of course since he already has her does that mean he wants to Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now who's of that type or of another type ?
Did you know that 501(c)(3) status allows the state to co-opt political movements ? I didn't . But then I never really thought about it , totally makes sense right ? Turns out the "non-profit industrial complex" has a quietly devastating role in managing dissent .
A $1.3 trillion industry the US nonprofit sector is the world’s seventh largest economy . The key to making it in this industry is blunting political goals to satisfy government and foundation mandates .
Am I just seeking out "facts" that justify my non-involvement in political causes ? Maybe . Pseudo-critical posturing is my bread and butter .
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Ape X the apex ape
|
Posted:Dec 9, 2017 3:47 pm
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2017 10:34 am
59263 Views
|
Remember the other day I was complaining about being given a size "medium" shirt ? Of course not , but I am reminding you know for my own purposes . Well a dude at work gave me an XXXXXXXXL shirt . It's like a tent . I'm not sure if it was a joke or what . I will say he's quite a heavy fellow himself . I will say further that I didn't know shirts went up that far in sizes . Although I suppose there's no cap really . I think I saw a 4X in a store one time .
I don't know what XXXXXXX porn would be but I know it would be nasty . Approximately one and a third times nastier than standard porn , which is pretty nasty . I think I'll leave that one alone .
I wanted to watch Nate Bargatze last night but my free trial of Netflix has run out so I watched Brian Regan on Amazon Prime instead . He's known as one of the only successful "clean" comics . I find this stuff to be wildly inconsistent - like for 15 minutes I'll maybe chuckle one but right at the point I'm about to bail he'll bust out a bit that has me dying laughing . I don't know if that's because he works clean or not .
Now I realize that recounting a comedy bit is pretty close to the lowest form of communication ever but stick with me for a moment . He told a story about how when he was a his parents let his brother take the family car out for the first time - taking him and all his brothers bowling . And on the way back he was afraid they were going to get home late so he was driving like a bat out of hell and refused to stop so Brian could go to the bathroom . So he ended up with his two other brothers holding onto his legs while he pissed out the back window - which is something you could do in a station wagon .
The point is that due to the airflow at the back of the car all the piss was flying back at them . It was a good bit . But the important thing is that for DECADES scientist types were arguing about what happens to the airflow at the back of a car . An argument that wasn't settled until the tools for demonstration fluid dynamics advanced to the point where they could show when the air comes around the back of a car it sets up a little backwards rotating whatever you call it sending air back at the car .
And that whole argument could have been solved from the get go just by pissing out a back window .
Remember in the 70's when the Cold War was really going like gangbusters and the US was convinced that Russian had resurrected Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov's supposed work and was trying to create ape-soldiers and so in response they started project Purana which eventually resulted in them transferring a human brain into the body of a Cross River gorilla ? Turns out that that dude , who was still a dude even though in a gorilla body , occasionally had them bring in prostitutes that were paid a huge amount of money to bang him .
Several questions come to mind . First of all did they pay them more to keep them silent or did they just count on the fact that a saying "Hey the CIA paid me to hump an ape" isn't going to get a lot of traction ? Secondly , if the animal has a human brain in it that seems like maybe it's okay morally BUT they didn't know that right ? So what does that mean ? Or did they know ? Because otherwise you'd have to somehow convince them they weren't going to be ripped limb from limb right ? OR did they tell them it was one of the trained sign-language apes ? And exactly how much did they get paid ? Are we talking hundreds of thousands ?
The good news is that apes have really small units though . Humans actually have massive cocks compared to their body size among primates . And you have to wonder why right ? If your typical 800 pound gorilla is packing 2 inches why does a human man have six ? It must be a product of evolution right ? So clearly that's what human women want right ? #sizequeen
MSN keeps shoving an article about celebrities that have come out as bisexual at me . Is it wrong that I feel like that's not a thing ? Coming out as gay sure , but bisexual ? Meh . Does that make me a huge asshole or what ?
Speaking of , I decided today while I was doing dishes that if I ever got married and I was separated from my spouse for a while I think it would be okay if we had sex with other people so long as it was same sex stuff . Like if she's overseas with her unit fighting in North Korea and she wants to lez out what's wrong with that ? And if I want to bang a dude while she's deployed that seems okay too .
Unless these other people are human brains in apes BECAUSE unless you saw the operation happen you don't know . It could just be a crafty normal ape tricking you .
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
My man turned to me and said "Why are you here?"
|
Posted:Dec 8, 2017 6:04 pm
Last Updated:Dec 12, 2017 4:36 pm
59235 Views
|
I said, I'm charming, I'm dashing, I'm rental-car bashing
I'm phony-paper passing at Nix Check Cashing
The other day a palomine was questioning why she still comes to places like HotMatch.com given the continually shoddy treatment she receives . Obviously it must be to Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Some Hot Now right ? But it is an interesting question . Obviously I have no idea what a woman's experience is on HotMatch.com or places like it but I don't hear a lot of "success" stories . What I do hear is a lot of "I'm tired of this place and every in it" .
For that matter I don't even really know what it's like to be a dude on this site because I've never really made that much of an effort to Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Some Hot Now . In the brief windows where I was GOLD I'd log in every few days and poke around at a few profiles maybe send a message or but basiy I was just ing to watch member videos (and to have a longer blog title - day Factory Reject Dildos will return , this I swear , by the moon and the stars and the sky) which you know if you're into amateur porn isn't a bad deal . Assuming you're a moron like me who actually s for porn . Which you are not .
So why do people come here ? Why not ? You got to do something while you're waiting to die . I mean it's not like you're going to go volunteer at the soup kitchen right ?
I mean why do I put so much mental energy into this dumb blog ? Rampaging narcissism ? Sure . Delusion of grandeur ? Absolutely . But most importantly it gives me something to think about instead of real issues . Today some people were reaming in each other's faces about Israel and Palestine and I got to ignore that and think "Huh , I've heard multiple comedians joke about the oring in tennis , I should blog about that ."
Most people have no idea where the tennis oring format comes from , but some people think that it comes from using a clock to keep ore which is WRONG because the oring system was around before clocks became common . It was referenced as far back as 1435 people !
The accepted reason for the wacky oring is because tennis evolved from a similar French game where you just slapped the ball with your hand (if you know what I mean) and in said game there was 45 feet on each side and when you were on the serve when you ored a point you got to move up 15 feet . But you couldn't stand on the line so on the third point you only moved up 10 feet . 15-30-40 , hey presto .
Where did "love" and "deuce" come from ? Fuck you that's where !
You know what I like abut this picture ? They have some steadying the boom . Safety first .
This picture came from HotMatch.com twitter feed . It's really starting to drive me insane that I can't find the HotMatch.com blog . Like really . Is it only for GOLDIES or what ? I want answers !
The other day I found some site where they had Moby Dick available to be read digitally in it's entirety . Now I can't find it . I was going to talk about the Fleh–Kincaid readability standard and how there's a sentence in chapter 64 about sharks that has a readability ore of −146.77 but clearly I can't do that and then NOT post the passage in question .
What a disappointment eh ?
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
A good measure of friendship is how much you can insult each other without offense
|
Posted:Dec 6, 2017 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2017 3:11 pm
59298 Views
|
No Amazon I will NOT rate my recent transaction - what's in it for me ? If you want to profit off MY feedback you need to cut me in on the action . I don't just give away my thoughts . Speaking of everyone who reads this blog is way delinquent on their bill - I may have to sell your debt to a shylock if you don't come up some something before year end . Sorry , but business is business .
My success rate at convincing myself that BBQ pulled chicken is anywhere near as good as BBQ pulled pork continues to hover around 0% . Which is especially strange when you consider that my ability to convince myself that my hand is Zoe Saldana's asshole is almost flawless . Truly life is a mystery .
I'm sick of these libs telling me I can't say "Happy Honda Days" because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon . What am I supposed to do ? Wish everyone a "Happy Winter Car Sale" like a jackass ?
My eyes have become really sunken lately - it's not a good look . I'm always amused that despite knowing and accepting that I'm ugly as hell I still manage to be vain .
Is Cliffhanger the best John Lithgow movie ? No , because Ricochet is .
Do you know why the devil is depicted as carrying a pitchfork ? No you don't , because no one does . But the most accepted theory is this . The first known instance of the devil being shown with a pitchfork is from a carving on Muiredach's High Cross at the Irish monastery of Monasterboice from the 10th century . The idea is that folk at the time associated rich people with goodness and purity whereas the poor folk were clearly gross dirty sinners . And poor people and pitchforks go together like apple pie and ice cream - and there you have it . The Devil is the worst sinner going ergo he needs to have a pitchfork like a poor person .
I know I shouldn't criticize art from over a thousand years ago - obviously they had their own issues to deal with - but those people look like freaky fetus monsters . Perhaps they SHOULD be herded into hell by the Devil or devils .
Every time they have one of the Austin Power movies on the TV I am reminded that while decent at the time those movies don't hold up AT ALL . The point is I'm tired of hearing about who the next Bond should be - I want to talk about who the next Austin Powers should be .
Clearly it needs to be another Canadian so I'm thinking Will Arnett
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
There is a race of alien ant women living under Calgary
|
Posted:Dec 5, 2017 5:38 pm
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2017 7:00 pm
59354 Views
|
And Justin Trudeau isn't doing a DAMN thing about it !
I had what might actually be a good idea today . I was thinking about how when you're writing for a visual medium you can't really show two different things happening at the same time , not well anyway . You've got the A plot and the B plot going on "kind of" simultaneously but you can't show anything else . Specifically I was thinking about an episode of Firefly where Jayne isn't in the first two acts as much because it's focused on other character but he shows up in act 3 - which is a normal thing in shows that have a lot of characters , you focus on a couple and then at the end they all meet up again .
So I was thinking that in today's modern era with people wanting to interact and so forth what you should do is write and shoot several things going on simultaneously and then have points where you can follow whichever part you want to see .
Such as let's say Baron Orlov hires the crew of the good ship Hard Eight to ferry his in secret , due to a kidnapping threat , to her wedding aboard the luxury space liner Titaness .
So you start with a scene where the Princess , her bodyguard and her wedding planner/chaperone come aboard the Hard Eight and then from there you can choose if you want to focus on Captain Beelzebub and Nurse Funny finding out the princess is being forced into this marriage (the standard A plot) or follow Doctor Patrick and Oliver discovering that the wedding planner is more than she seems (the standard B plot) or you can choose to see Georgia and Sargent Ron getting chippy with the bodyguard because they find out he was on the Union side of the Persion Rebellion . Then you it back to a more centralized scene and split off and make choices again .
Not only does this allow you to focus more on the characters you care about and/or avoid the one's you don't like there's more content for the superfans and completists that want to know it all . And this way you can show why at the end Georgia is so willing to draw down on the bodyguard instead of trying to explain it away with some oddly placed dialog .
I also thought of this because I started watching Weeds and while I generally like Kevin Nealon his part has little to no bearing on the main plot so far and I don't care about it - I'd like to see more of what the other secondary characters are up to .
Dear God , I do not ask for health or wealth . People ask you so often that you can't have any left . Give me , God , what else you have . Give me what no-one else asks for . Amen .
I know you've been dying to hear what's been annoying me lately so here it is - checks received in the mail where the perforation on the check is half a millimeter away from the fold of the letter . Put the perforation ON the fold , everyone knows that !
A couple of gals at work today were discussion the relative merits of "strappy panties" which sounded made-up but I have discovered is a real thing . So I learned something today . So I have to apologize to Lala (assuming she reads this) because I told her earlier that I hadn't learned anything today . I should have know better , the day wasn't over yet .
I've decided my goal for 2018 is to own a purple thong .
"They" say that sneezing is 1/3rd of an orgasm which is stupid . But I tell you this - I decided to end my highly successful masturbation moratorium the other day and I sneezed an instant after shooting my wad and the contraction in my body sent said wad flying like it was shot out of a cannon . It was quite something . Not something good mind you , but something .
For the timeframe from when I first heard it until this weekend I thought the song "You Sexy Thing" was by Tom Jones . Turns out it's by a group called Hot Chocolate . Am I alone in that or is that a common mistake ?
Which got me to wondering when did I first hear that song ? I'm sure it wasn't on the radio . I would wager (were I the type to lay wagers) that I probably first heard it in 1989 when it was featured in a Burger King commercial .
I was going to say something about how it has to suck to be Hot Chocolate as a one hit wonder that people don't even know who they are but it turns out that had a top ten hit every year for 14 years straight . So clearly I don't know enough about Hot Chocolate .
Regardless I wonder how it would feel to have one hit song that people don't hate (seems like most one hit wonders end up being despised) but people think its by another artist . Some people seem to be embarrassed by one hit wonder status . Seems like better than being a no-hit wonder though right ? But then if someone else gets the credit ? Dunno .
I was going to end this blog by being really mean to an obese dude who was criticizing Paige for being "chunky" in her return to the WWE . But I've decided not to because what's the point of being mean to someone if they don't know about it ? I'll just go to his house and bang his mom . That's something everyone can enjoy .
Pictured above a fat person apparently
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Ring of Destruction: Slam Masters II
|
Posted:Dec 3, 2017 12:25 pm
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2017 4:16 pm
59483 Views
|
At the grocery store today (drink ! ) I noticed that they had the 4-cheese pizzas right next to 5-cheese pizzas - and they were the same brand . One is left to wonder who's buying the 4-cheese ?
"God damn it Diane this pizza has one too many cheeses on it ! Didn't they have any FOUR cheese for christssake ?!"
Also it's amusing because with a frozen pizza I'm pretty sure they're both in reality zero cheese unless you count mozzarella-like imitation processed cheese product .
I've been considering the so-called friendzone (if it can so be called) and I have begun to wonder if the meaning of the term varies . Such as I assumed that friendzone meant "no sex" but perhaps the friendzone is used by some to include so called friends with benefits (if they can so be called) when one party really wants a "real" relationship .
Obviously my first thought was men say friendzone when they're not getting their dick wet with a gal whereas women might say they've been friendzoned despite hooking up "casually" . But I'm starting to think that MAYBE the propaganda that all men are sex-crazed sexy sex monsters who want to bang all the time and that all women are sexless ice queens MIGHT be a bit of an simplification .
In every person's life there eventually comes to the moment when they're faced with the ultimate decision - do they want the Andre the Giant Throwback Classic Elite action figure or the Randy "Macho Man" Savage Premium Vintage Essentials Collection action figure .
For me that day was today .
Who am I and what's the point ? My name is 40Deuce but I know nothing of who I am . The answer I feel is near , the defining perhaps final moment is close . Everyone , everyone in this life knows when the moment is before them . To turn away is simple , to ignore it assures survival but it is an insult to life because there can be no redemption no second chance , beyond death there's nothing . Just darkness and cold . The instance existence was confirmed , every action , every breath in my life became horrifyingly clear .
I have made my choice .
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
The First Date
|
Posted:Dec 2, 2017 2:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2017 12:04 pm
59914 Views
|
Samwell Rockne
Skacy Tuebular
-text exchange from Skacy's Gold iPhone 8 Plus -
UR going bk 2 his place on 1st date ?!?!?!
Sure y not ?
Cld be a murderer !!!!
(link to article about local murder)
(link to article about semi-local murder)
(link to article about Lindbergh baby)
I’ll b fine
SMH
GOI
Send me his address
If I don’t hear from you I’m calling 911
GMAFB
“Everything alright ?” he asks as we come to a stop in front of his duplex .
I slip my phone into my pocket . “Just my friend checking up on me , making sure I’m still alive . You’re not going to murder me are you ? Or chain me up in your basement and slowly eat my leg one bite at a time each day for years are you ?”
He blinks , completely flummoxed “I don’t have a basement . . .”
“Oh that’s good to know” I smile at him as I get out of the car . “Are we going inside or are you waiting for an invitation to your own house ?”
He jumps out of the car self-consciously and hurries around to catch up with me as I walked up the path . He hesitantly put his arm around me and then immediately has to take it off again was we reached the door . It's a wonderful fall night – the air is crisp and cool , the moon and the stars hung in the sky like tiny little glittering jewels . The food and wine , especially the wine , at Gogino’s had been great and the waitress wasn’t way hotter than me – a fine start to a first date .
He did a funny little thing where he counted his keys as he was finding the right one . We stepped inside and he took my coat without asking and hung it up in a closet stuffed full – how many coats does one man need ? They all appeared to be men’s coats though , which was good . We stood awkwardly in the entryway for a moment and just when I was about to say something he blurted out ;
“I gotta piss . . . . hard . . . .” the “ard” training off as he realized what he was saying . He his hand twitched almost as if he was literally holding himself back from smacking his forehead .
I raised an eyebrow “You better go do that then .”
He bobbed his head quickly and dashed off . And now time to snoop . Nice little bachelor pad . Very clean and orderly . I wonder if he’s really clean or has a maid service . Decent sectional , out of place rattan chair , sizable TV with some kind of game console brimming with wires and odd devices . Hello , what do we have here ? A really nice floating shelf , I wonder if he installed that himself , and on said shelf a dozen or so DVDs - does he only have this many or is he choosing to display these ones for some reason ? Held in place by a cute Supergirl black metal bookend . What do we have here ?
Batman XXX
Batman VS Superman XXX
Batfucks
Dark Knight XXX
Bat Pussy
Several more bat-porn of title like that and then Popsugar Cardio Dance Workout ? Does he spank it to that too or does he work out to it ? The mind swims . Displaying porn , that’s an unusually bold move – her certainly didn’t seem like that kind of guy . I took Batman & Robin XXX off the shelf to see if it was gay porn when he came out of the bathroom . He started to say something , saw what I was holding and in about half a second flat flushed the color of a Detroit Dark Red Beet .
“You really like watching Batman fuck huh ?”
He came stumbling forward and reached to take it out of my hand and then stopped not knowing what to do “Sorry , sorry , sorry about that , my friend Oscar knew I had a date tonight , he must have come in here and . . . god damn it !”
I laughed as I put the DVD back amongst its dirty friends “It’s fine , I’ve been known to watch porn myself a time or two” he started like the idea of a woman watching porn was foreign to him “besides who doesn’t like Batman ? Except the Joker I guess .”
He relaxed a little “Well I assume most people who don’t really watch porn don’t know who he is .”
“Why’s that ?” he seemed confused again “Batman is pretty much a standard cultural thing” a heavy silence hung between us for a minute . “Do you only know Batman from Batman themed porn ?”
He shook his head quickly “No , no , no , of course not . . . no I’ve seen the show .”
“What show ? The Adam West one from the 60s ? You thought Batman was just a porn character didn’t you ? This is wonderful ! I don’t even know how that’s possible . Everyone knows who Batman is . What about Lego Batman ? Certainly you heard of that ? What did you think that was ?”
“I guess I wasn’t really sure . . .”
I laughed , a full throated happy belly-laugh “I’m sorry I’m not trying to make you feel bad but this is just too crazy . It’s like . . . it’s like . Well it’s like something ! It’s like not knowing all the songs Weird Al does are parodies . You are an interesting character Samwise”
“Samwell”
“What did I say ?”
“You said Samwise , like the guy from the Hobbit . Happens all the time . You can just call me Sam .”
I consider it “Umm , no thanks , Samwell is better” I moved to the couch and he sits beside me “So tell me Samwell aside from watching a man in a bat costume plow women with big fake tits what do you like to do when you’re not out on the town with a bodacious babe like myself ?”
A small residual blush blossomed for a moment “I play this game online called Parliament of Owls , have you heard of it ? It’s pretty great , you see there are these three clans of warriors , well four really if you count the Shadow Court , and there’s seven different roles that each solider can take . And each clan is fighting to get these jewels from these ten kingdoms and . . .”
Oh boy , I have a feeling this could go on for a while . I need to nip this in the bud before I’m crushed under the momentum of online gaming . But how to do it delicately ?
“Sounds very interesting , I’d love to hear about it some other time . What else you got ?
Swish ! Del-i-cate .
He halted in mid-sentence , confused yet again – it was starting to be kind of his default face “Pardon ?”
I made the “move along” gesture “I get it , dragons and realms and all that , World of Warcraft and so forth . What else are you interested in ?”
A slight frown came over his face “Well there’s no dragons in Parliament of Owls , some of the Silent Masters turn into golden guivrand vouivres which are kind of like dragons but , but , but anyway besides that I’m really into tropical deep summer house music .”
“I haven’t heard of that , is it a kind of dance music ?”
“It can be , it’s like deep house only it has a more upbeat and chilled out sensibility – the tempo is slower and it doesn’t use pumping compression – the stuff I really like and work on has dembow rhythm patterns which is good for up-tempo dancing .”
“How do you mean work on ? Are you in a band ?”
“No , I mean like audio mixing . I have Rosegarden on my laptop with FluidSynth and I like to put together different remixes and playlists and create my own stuff .”
“Awesome , do you ever DJ at clubs ?”
He laughs “No , no , nothing like that . Just online , there’s a lot of people on YouTube that like some of my stuff .”
We chatted and laughed for a few minutes , subtly moving closer to each other . I put my hand on his knee . He touched my shoulder lightly . It was nice to be close to someone again . But I needed to get the office early the next morning to work on the Rowntree's Fruit Pastilles account – there was no time to slowplay this hand . Sometimes you have to take the bull by the scrotum as they say . I leaned in for a kiss and our lips met soft and sweet . After each long kiss , I plants a smaller more tender one upon his lips , like a signature . He begins to explore my body with his hands and it feels natural and right after such a long time . And then ;
“What the hell are you doing ?”
He snaps away from me like a trained seal diving for a fish “Oh my god I am so sorry , I thought you wanted . . . oh god , I’m just like Louis CK ! I didn’t mean to do anything or not do anything or . . . I . . . anything I did I didn’t mean . . .”
“No , no , it’s fine , I’m into it” I slipped off my Black Dip Hem Ruffle Peplum Top Short Sleeve Asymmetric Hem Black Flouncing Blouse revealing my Reebale Contour Bra “See ? I’ve just never had a guy suck on my elbow before , it threw me for a second . I mean suck away if that’s your thing .”
I help my elbow up and he recoiled slightly like I was presenting him with a Redbelly Water Snake shaking his hands slightly “No , it’s not my thing , I’m not like weird or whatever , just my ex liked that and . . .”
My hand goes up “Ah bup-bup-bah I’m going to cut you off right there , let’s not bring us our exes and what they liked on a first date . Or , you know , ever really . Samwise . .”
“Samwell”
“Samwell , I’m going to ask you something , and I don’t want you to get offended – can you do that ?” He nods “Great , thank you , now I get the sense that you haven’t been with a lot of women , you know , sexually ?”
He shakes his head violently like a bear snapping a salmon in half “No , no , that’s not true at all ! I’ve been with a lot of women . . . I mean not a lot a lot you know , not like too many , not like I’m having sex with a bunch of women , not like I’m some weirdo that . . . . but you know some , it’s not like I’m you know , like . . . I’m just saying I’ve slept with like . . . a normal amount of women .”
I reach back an unhook my bra , his eyes wide as saucers as I let my girls breath the free air “That’s good Samwell , a normal amount is good . You seem nervous is all I’m saying . In one hundred percent honesty until you mentioned your ex I thought this might be a forty year old virgin situation . I want you to be relaxed so here’s the rundown . I had a good time tonight , and you’re a nice guy – and I want to see you again and who knows where this will go . But right now I just want to get laid . I haven’t had anything between my legs that wasn’t battery powered in more than three years . I’m here , I’m in your house , I’m DTF as the say . I’m putting the pitch right over the plate , slow and straight , all you have to do is swing buddy . The triple 7s have already come up , you’ve hit the jackpot , all you need to do now is scoop up the money .”
I let my Betabrand Seasonless Bootcut Pants slide to the floor as we retire to the his bedroom – a little on the small side but with a nicely appointed walk-in closet . Handsome chest of drawers , cool Banksy wall canvas print , Best of the Best poster – that one’s going to need some explaining at a later date . He folds his shirt after he takes it off as I watch amused . Clearly this one isn’t going to rush . He almost trips taking off his pants but recovers narrowly and as he takes off his boxers I see that he’s working with really something in the package department .
“Wow , that’s quite a penis you’ve got there .”
He covers it with one hand while struggling with his sox “What do you mean by that ?”
“Nothing I just didn’t expect . . . you kind of assume a guy like you . . . just good for you .”
We’re on the bed and we’re getting down to it now . We’re kissing if not passionately enthusiastically and he’s at least making an effort at foreplay instead of just going straight for it like a pig rooting out a truffle . He’s moving around a little too much for my taste and I finally realize why – he keeps slightly adjusting his body posture to move his surprisingly ample cock towards my face . I draw back ;
“Would you mind cutting that out ? You don’t need to thrust your stuff towards my mouth area .”
“How else am I supposed to ask for . . . you know . . . oral ?”
I prop myself up on an elbow and look him in the eye “Well you know could say something like ‘would you mind sucking my dick ?’ but also don’t ask for oral . I know where your dick is okay ? There’s not a lot of barriers between me and sucking your dick . I’m fairly sure I could suck your dick any time I want without a lot of roadblocks . If I want it to happen it’s going to happen . You don’t need to be Elvis Presley hip gyrating at me to make it happen .”
“Of course , I’m so sorry , I just thought . . .”
He stops cold with a gasp as I take him into my mouth . “Get up on your knees a little bit , I took a bad angle here and I don’t want to get a crick in my neck”
His whole body goes rigid as I work my mouth over the head of his cock slowly . Jesus Christ this thing has some heft to it – you never really know what you’re working with until you get your hands and mouth on a man’s penis . I wouldn’t care to deep throat this bad boy for long . He starts to tremble slightly and I finger stroke him for a moment ;
“You’re not going to cum are you ? Because I need to get fucked .”
Before he can answer he moans again as I take him back into my mouth more fully this time . He lets out a small yelp and I retract again .
“What’s the matter you never have a girl put a finger up your ass before ?”
“A girl ? No . This one time my uncle . . .”
I snap a couple times “Whoa , hey , stay with me here Samwell , this is sexy time this is not the time for traumatic uncle stories” I lay back on the bed , very soft , very nice “I think it’s your turn anyway .”
“My turn for what ?”
“Take off my panties Samwell and do what comes natural .”
It’s been so long since I had a tongue down there that the first touch is electric – for a moment I am one with the universe . And then reality returns , which is nice too . He’s kind of all over the place at first but then he gets into a nice rhythm . That’s right Samwell , slow and steady wins the race . I let out a satisfied little gasp and he pops up like a meerkat .
“What ?”
“Nothing , I was just enjoying myself .”
“Oh , sorry .”
“Nothing to be sorry for .”
"Sorry"
His head disappears back down but now I have to start all over again and he’s trying to finger me which doesn’t help . Fingering , who came up with that bullshit ? Some asshole probably . Alright , now we’re starting to get back into the good stuff . Lick , lick , lick , that’s the name of this game – how many licks does it take to get the center you know ? A satisfied “erk” slips past my lips and he pops up again like a Jack in the Box .
“Did you say something ?”
“No , I was just into it , you’re doing good .”
So now we’re back at square one again . I’m going to have to try to stay totally silent to keep this guy on tracking . We’re burning daylight here , so to speak . And now he’s putting on too much pressure . My clit isn’t the clutch of a Ford Galaxy you don’t need to push that hard . It takes a light touch , like cracking a safe . Huh , ‘la porte est lourde et vous dois la pousser fort’ is that how you say the door is heavy and needs a push ? Whoa , okay , now we’re getting back into the good stuff . Not too hard , not to soft , just like Goldilocks eats pussy .
“Oh god. . . I love that . . .”
Samwell’s face appears between my thighs again “What was that ?”
God damn it ! Why couldn’t I keep my trap shut ? I was almost there . Well not almost there but almost almost there . I was definitely getting close to being near almost almost there . Oh well , orgasms are delicate things – they can just blow away in the breeze .
“I said let’s get to it studmuffin .”
He pulls a condom , boysenberry scented I believe , out of a drawer and as he puts it on “How do you feel about doggy style ?”
I put my arms out wide at my sides flat on my back , it feels wonderful “I’ll tell you some other time , right now I feel like you need to mount up cowboy” .
Talk about working all four sides . I wouldn’t say soda can , that would be a wild exaggeration but it definitely felt like Red Bull can – the 335 millimeter one not the super big one . A warm , yummy Red Bull can cock . It hurt a little but in a good way . There’s something about having a nice hard cock slide into for the first time you that just makes you feel like a new woman . Like you can take on the world and win .
He starts off deliberate and balanced but works himself into a faster tempo pretty quickly . After a moment he’s giving me the wood pretty good – it’s not quite what I would prefer but why not let him have his fun ? I’m not really into anything rough but I find myself grabbing his hips and really pulling him into me hard . It’s not even about the physical sensation really but just the joy of being in the moment and back in the swing of things . Even the odd drop of sweat from his forehead landing on my face doesn’t ruin the moment . Which each pull/thrust I start saying ;
“Yeah , give it , give it , give up Samwell , give it to me ! Get after it Samwell !”
Dirty talk during sex is funny . I could literally say anything I wanted right now .
“Come on Samwell send me to outer space ! I want to be up there waving at the dudes on the space station ! (after a beat) There is no I in team , but there is a U in me right now ! (after a beat) Hi-hooooooooooo silver ! (after a beat) Lets win this one for mother Russia ! (after a beat) Build it Samwell , build that bridge ! (after a beat) Yipee-ki-yay mother fucker !”
He’s really getting into it now – he’s got that serious face men get when they’re really in the moment during sex , or when they smell bacon , or when the local sports team does the thing with the ball they do – so I let go of hips and let him finish things at his own pace . A grunt and a grimace and a sigh and it’s all over but the shouting – which is also over. He slips off the condom as I crabwalk to the bathroom – the last thing I need is a UTI right now . It’s funny to think of Michelle Obama doing this same thing , what , once a week maybe ? How often to presidents have sex ? I lay back down beside him , snuggling up with the classic head on chest post-coital position . It’s a cliché but it works .
“Stacy . .”
“Skacy”
“What did I say ?”
“You said Stacy .”
“Sorry , Skacy , you mentioned before that it has been more than three years since you’ve had intercourse , can I ask why ?”
Intercourse ! Ha , classic .
“I was having problems with lumbar stenosis – back problems – which made sex uncomfortable . After a while I just gave up . But over the last few years I’ve lost some weight and I’ve done a lot of physical therapy and I just decided to stop feeling miserable all the time and I reached a point where I felt like I could make sex a part of my life again .”
“Cool”
“Yes it is cool . You know what would really hit the spot right now ? Getting nice and toasted .”
He reached for the drawer again “Well now that you mention it . . .”
I laugh delightedly “Samwise you are full of surprises .”
“Samwell”
“Whatever”
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
