No animals were harmed in the making of this snuff film
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Posted:Jan 9, 2018 5:35 pm
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2018 3:32 pm
55816 Views
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Despite not being a redneck I enjoy the music of the Old Crow Medicine Show . So you can imagine my dismay when some on Twitter was saying they should be shot out of a cannon because of their members was bragging about not having women in of their videos . What a sexist pig ! But , bucking the current trend societal trend I looked into it a little bit .
Turns out of the OCMS boys did say that however the con was as such - he was talking about how every time they want to do a video the producer's idea is "Alright we're gonna get all these hot chicks in here in bikinis and they're going to have huge tits and they're going to soaping up a Ferrari and then they all start making out . . ." and he was saying that he was proud that they never gave into that kind of sexist nonsense .
But con doesn't matter so fuck them .
Speaking of I've always found it a little curious that from the outside perspective view what people want most in live is to fuck , rew and b . And yet when the cops are chasing you and you run into a deadend alley and you've got a garbage bag full of coke what do you say to your running buddy RevPro ?
"We're fucked !" or "We're rewed !" or "We're bd !"
Based on most of the internet and all advertising what every is after is fucking , rewing , and boning . And yet when your Uncle Harvey asks if you want to come him move stuff from his waterbed store to his new location down on Wabash and 53rd for 8 hours for no what do you say ?
"Fuck that !" or "rew that !" or (less commonly) "B that !"
If you say to your neighbor Sally Green"I wanna fuck you" that means you're into her (and are inarticulate) but if you say simply "Fuck you" because she keeps dumping her trash in your lawn that means the opposite .
So what conclusion can we draw from this ? Secretly every hates sex . The real question is why does every pretend to like it ? They just want to be part of the crowd I guess . I mean if every jumped off a cliff and humped in mid-air would you do it too ? Yes . You would .
Time Magazine once published what they thought were the 50 Worst Inventions of all time . I'm sure you've been wondering what my thoughts on that were . Wonder no longer .
Segway - Would GOB have been as fantastic without his Segway ? No . Ergo this is wrong .
New Coke - The Coke challenge is what made me know I liked Coke . The Coke Challenge came around because of New Coke . Ergo this was the best thing that ever happened for me . Aside from all the negative side effects of drinking soda which are ravaging my body .
Clippy - This is the paperclip that used to tell you how to write resumes and ransom notes on Windows . Every hated it . BUT there's erotica out there about women banging Clippy so who has the last laugh ?
Agent Orange - It would be disrespectful to argue with this , HOWEVER there have been a lot worse chemical agents that did a lot worse things to people over a longer period of time .
CueCat - I have no idea what this is . I assume it's a pool cue for cats . Which is awesome . Although you'd also need a tiny cat-sized pool table .
Subprime Mortgages - WRONG . Subprime lending made a bunch of people rich as fucking fuck . And the resulting "mortgage crisis" made a bunch of other people rich also . And the only downside is poor people got even poorer ? Is that even a downside these days ?
Crinoline - Never heard of it . Crino was the of Antenor and Theano so I assume this a brand of beauty products based on Greek mythology . Which seems like a good idea . "Don't look like a Gorgon try out skin cream !"
Nintendo Virtual Boy - Ha , I remember this , there was much puking and headaches .
Farmville - People need to waste time on something . I don't see the harm .
Hydrogenated Oils - Like we weren't going to get heart disease anyway . Plus people already live too long .
Hgar - No clue on this either . Can't even hazard a guess .
Hydrogen Blimps - They weren't so bad really . blimp blows up and they give up on the whole thing . Statistiy they were safer than cars (which isn't hard actually) and airplanes .
Hair in a Can - What if it was actually just a can of hair ? Now that's a bad product .
DDT - They show that old black and white footage of a truck spraying DDT directly into 's faces at the pool all the time . And we wonder why people are so insane now .
Auto-Tune - WRONG . You know how many people can actually sing ? Like 2 . Best thing to happen to the music industry since leather pants and cocaine .
Red Dye No. 2 - Maybe , but do you know what "natural" food looks like ? You wouldn't put that in your mouth .
Ford Pinto - Yeah , but it lead to tort reform so really was it so bad ?
Parachute Jacket - NO ! You want to look fly you pop on of these bad boys .
Betamax - I don't even understand why this is on the list . Betamax was superior to VHS , the only reason they lost is because they wouldn't allow porn studios to use their technology .
Baby Cage - Not familiar with this but it seems pretty straightforward . It's fine .
Tanning Beds - Despite the widespread use in the wrestling industry I have to agree with this . If you want cancer just smoke - it makes you look cool .
Crocs - Indifferent
Hula Chair - I don't know what this is but it sounds awesome . Who doesn't love hula ? And chairs ? They're pretty dope . Also it sounds like a sex act "Congressman McElroy was arrested last night at the He/She club for receiving a Hula Chair from a " .
square - I barely know what this is , but it seems as dumb as any of it .
Pop-Up Ads - Mortgages got to be refied somehow .
Ph Fingers - No idea
CFCs - I guess , but again if you're going to talk about organofluorine chemistry you can find worse offenders .
Plastic Grocery Bags - This doesn't seem fair , maybe you can say that plastic is a bad invention but of course they made grocery bags out of it , they make everything out of it .
Bumpit - Don't know what this is . I assume it's a pit to put bums in when celebrities come to your town so they don't embarrass you with their reminders that the income gap in this country is of the worst in the world . Which seems alright .
Electric Facial Mask - Not familiar with this but it sounds like you're shooting electricity into your face . Approved .
Sony CD Copy Protection - Sony didn't invent this , but yeah .
Venetian-Blind Sunglasses - Wrong , awesome .
Pet Spa - Not 100% sure what this is but why wouldn't your pet need a spa ?
Pontiac Aztek - The Aztek had among the highest Customer Satisfaction Index ores in its class and won "Most Appealing Entry Sport Utility Vehicle" in 2001 from J.D. Power and Associates . So . . .
Snuggie for Dogs - Hell yeah , the Slanket for dogs is 100% superior .
Mizar Flying Car - No comment
Asbestos - It seemed like a good idea at the time .
Olestra - A little anal leakage is normal .
Comfort Wipe - Not sure what this is but I'm not sure how a wipe could go wrong . Maybe I don't want to know .
Fake Ponytails - Is this a thing ? I need a couple .
HeadOn - Dude got paid didn't he ? You're the 's who bought a product that promised nothing . Also , resulted in of the best porn movies ever "AssOn - Apply directly to the ass" .
Toilets - I'm fine with this .
Tamagotchis - Why ? Stupid fad toys come around every year .
Leaded Gasoline - I don't know enough about this to have an opinion .
Vibrating Ab Belt - Sounds sexy
Spam E-mail - This isn't an invention . That's like saying some invented being boring in real life conversations .
Smell-o-Vision - Who doesn't like Aromatherapy
Smile Checks - Don't know what this is either . I assume it's a check you give to some for smiles instead of ? And then they say "Sir you can't for these dildos with smiles" and then you jack the cashier in the face and run for it .
Microsoft Bob - I assume this is just a guy that works at Microsoft named Bob . I can't believe Time is such a jerk to him .
Vio - Carbonated milk ? I can't believe that didn't work .
I haven't read Time in a while but unless this list was like a joke thing for April Fools they've really fallen off in quality . I can think of many worse inventions . How about landmines ? Those are pretty bad . What about the atomic bomb ? Not so great . Crack any ? Very few upsides there . Flamethrowers ? Not real crowd pleasers . And so forth .
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Bend over and spread your cheeks - the subtle art of erotic photography
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Posted:Jan 8, 2018 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2018 3:06 pm
54767 Views
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Photography is one of the many things in life that seems simple enough but gets more complicated when nudity is involved .
I don't know much about it but that won't stop me from giving you advice .
Set the stage - You're probably thinking "No one will be looking at the background when my sexy ass is on display !" but you're wrong . Here's the deal . As established only 4% of the population is good looking but what you have to keep in mind is that with the massively bloated Earth population that means there's more than 300 MILLION attractive people running around out there . And they're all uploading 12-74 pictures of themselves to the internet hourly . The point is we've seen it all - we're definitely going to notice the background . Keep that in mind . Not just in terms of tidying up but also for location . Bathroom selfies ? Car selfies ? Enough . Unless you're homeless . Then its okay . But even then I feel like you could probably find a nice outdoor location to flash your junk in an artistic manner .
Don't forget about lighting - How many times have you been watching porn and said to yourself "this would be great if it was more well lit !" Probably never but I say it all the time . Artificial lighting is not flattering . If you don't have professional lighting equipment , and you don't , natural light is the way to go . Side light is how you make the tits look good . Which also means if you're a fatman like me avoid the side light - it makes your man-teats too noticeable .
Safety first - Keep in mind that any nude pictures you take will be stolen by hackers and displayed on a variety of social media and pornographic platforms . Which is why you should be sure to always have your face in frame and clearly visible - how else are the talent scouts from NY going to find you ? If possible find an unobtrusive way to work your home address into the picture .
Sidenote DO NOT look up "nude selfie fails" because one of the results will be a lady giving a blowjob while feeding a damn baby .
I don't mean to brag but I've been going to the bathroom for a long time - more than 40 years . So I know what I'm doing . But today I was confronted with a challenger heretofore unknown ! I was at the right urinal . There was another dude on the left . Third dude comes in and is stuck with the middle - never a fun time . But this dude was WIDE . He comes up there and his hip is touching my hip . I try to sidle over but there's not a ton of room and he just expands to fill up that space . So there we all are , dicks in hand , hip to hip . That shit ain't in the bible .
I hear women (for some reason) complain about not getting to use urinals but I bet when you're taking a piss there's not someone else touching you .
And while we're on the gross subject anyway what's the deal with dudes who go hands free at the urinal ? Hands on hips is bad enough but the dudes that go arms behind head . Serious bro you are a sociopath . But what's weirdest of all is the dudes that put both hands on the wall like the cops have them in custody . Although they may just be hammered and they need the support .
I was wondering today if Lois Lane was the most famous superhero girlfriend ever and it occurred me that I don't even know if there's any other contenders . After the Superman the next most popular comic book character is the Batman and he doesn't really play the field too much . Do normal people even know that he and Catwoman have an "it's complicated" kind of relationship sometimes ?
I suppose due to the 9-15 Spider-Man Reboots people probably know about Mary Jane Watson - played by the delightful Kirsten Dunsts in reboot movie # 3 .
Bruce Banner had Betsy Ross before he became the Hulk but not so much afterwards . Hulk doesn't get a lot of action from puny human .
Wolverine ? He occasionally has a love interest introduced so they can be killed and trigger his rampage of revenge and/or be transformed into a killer cyborg but no one you'd remember . And his infatuation with Jean Grey ? Please .
Iron Man ? Slut
Captain America ? Virgin
Thor ? Who even knows with that guy ?
And finally I forgot one of my complains about profiles the other day . The word "professional" is thrown around a lot . What does that mean ? Are women trying to make sure no grody lower class people try to contact them ? Or do they mean that being a woman is somehow their job ? Or is that how you signal that you're not above a little hooking ?
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I could be the strongest man alive - you don't know
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Posted:Jan 7, 2018 3:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2018 4:26 pm
54096 Views
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I realized today that reading is basically staring at dead trees and hallucinating . At least for me . I suppose for most "normal" people these days it's staring at plastic and hallucinating .
I know I make this complaint every time I somehow manage to squander up (I know that's wrong but I have a friend who always says squander when he means scrounge and I've decided I like it) GOLD membership but what is blogging about if not repeatedly whining about the same things over and over and over and over again ?
If you profile is "I like fun" how can you then come back at me and say my message to you is "lacking anything substantive" ? You're not giving me shit to work with lady . Maybe if your profile was more than 3 words I could craft something a little more specific you know ? I mean I guess I could totally blow smoke up your ass if that's what you want .
"You like to have fun ? I bet that means you have a tough job . I wonder what it takes you please you , that's the job I want . Part time , full time , I want to be good at it , bad at it , I want to get promoted , fired , corner office , hostile takeover , workplace accident , I'm on my knees here (username) ! Praying , worshipping , begging , whatever you want . What do you think about that ?"
40 if a woman doesn't have anything on her profile why would you message her ?
Hmm , good point . Which I will disregard .
Also as long as I'm being a jerk there's an astonishing number of "free spirits" around here based on profiles . I guess no one likes you think of themselves as a shackled spirit . Even though most of us are .
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Sometimes you eat the bear
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Posted:Jan 6, 2018 2:59 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2018 5:57 pm
53893 Views
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Once upon a time there was a show called Homicide : Life on the Street that was great for several seasons and then still pretty good when NBC fired half the people on it and replaced them with sexy young characters that everyone hated . It has since been mostly surpassed by the Wire as it was based on the same book done by the same dude and actually had some the same stories on it - but you know it was newer so it was better . Although it just got cancelled instead of having half the cast fired and replaced with the young and sexy . Possibly because they started out with younger sexier people - lesson learned there , you can extend your show a couple seasons if you start with a low bar .
Anyway on this show there was a running gag where Mildrick would be finishing a joke and say "You're not here to hunt are you ?" and everyone would pack up laughing . But you never heard the set-up . I just thought it was a thing they did for the show but it's the punchline to an actual joke .
A dude is out hunting and he doesn't get anything and he's about to pack it in for the day when he sees a bear . And he blasts off a shot but he misses . And the bear says "hey you just tried to shoot me !" and the guy claims that it was an accident and the gun just went off . But the bear doesn't buy it so he says "For that I'm going to fuck you in the ass" . And there's nothing the man can do so the bear goes to town on his asshole . Afterwards the bear is walking back into the woods and the man grabs his gun and shoots at him again and again he misses . And the bear is outraged "Dude , didn't you learn your lesson ? Now you have to suck my dick ." And the guy can't do anything about it so he has to suck the bear dick . After he gets done the bear starts to head off into the woods once more and the guy picks up his gun and shoots at him a THIRD time and he misses AGAIN !
And the bear turns back to him and says "You're not here to hunt are you ?"
The sad thing is this joke is based on a true story . You see back in the day gay dudes were so afraid to come out of the closet that they had on choice but to resort to having sex with talking bears in the woods . Thankfully these are more enlightened times but they term "bear" is still used in gay culture so they we never forget those dark ages past .
A couple of people have asked what I did on New Year's Eve .
Also it seems like this site worked a lot better for me when I was a standard member .
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Suck it
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Posted:Jan 5, 2018 3:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2018 5:17 pm
53499 Views
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As I've mentioned before One of my best pals who is otherwise a completely rational and compassionate and "good" person has issues with trans people . Which isn't ideal but what makes it worse is that he knows the rest of us don't like that so he constantly brings it up to try and convince us that he's right - which only put the spotlight more on how we don't agree with the things he's saying . It's interesting how people rarely seem to pick up on how they're making things worse .
So last night he was at it again and it degenerated into of those awful "would you" conversations where invariably an unattractive middle aged fatman says they would bang a "super hot" post op transsexual and then considers themselves a hero . Your medal's in the mail jackass .
Of course I participated because I'm just as Scummy as any else (well not ANYONE , but you know what I mean) and I explained my stance that I would both date or hook-up with a trans person that I liked regardless of what they had "going on down there" . Which that set off a whole thing because a certain kind of homophobia is alive and well - a lot of people don't have a problem with gay people but they DO NOT want any thinking they're gay .
This guy says to me "What if you accidentally touched it while you were having sex ?" So I says to him I says "If I was dating a trans lady with a penis I'd jerk her off , I'd probably suck her off occasionally if she was into it ." Which set off another firestorm . So I expounded "Dude , here's the deal , if you're in a relationship with some you do a lot of stuff you're not into , that's what being in a relationship is - you do stuff for them . If I had the choice I'd much rather spend minutes sucking a lady dick than 4 god damn hours at the god damn museum of 17th century doll clothes in Ottumwa" .
Point is where's my medal ?
Post-Script as I was driving to work this morning an interesting thought occurred to me . I know it's hard to believe but I have dated women before . Usually around 3 years in they get bored with me sexually , actually they've probably been bored all along and that's the point where they feel comfortable saying something about it , and they want to get freaky . 75% of the time they want to get into rope bondage and roleplaying and being dominated . And my answer has always been "nah" . And I've always felt bad about it because I want them to be happy but I just couldn't make that leap . And yet if they had had a dick I'd be okay blowing said dick from time to time .
Draw whatever conclusion you can from that .
I will say this , I am mildly judgey about BDSM "stuff" but I think I have become less so - because of HotMatch.com shockingly . Who knew this website did anything , let al anything positive ?
In this diussion a dude last night dropped of my most hated expressions "I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to blah blah blah blah" . I wanted to spit directly in his face . Because all that really means is "I'm a big macho asshole !" Masculinity ? What are you even talking about ? Masculinity , femininity , I'm tired of it all . Shut up about it .
And now for the fable of the lizard and the Scorpion .
One time a Scorpion was hanging out , you know , doing scorpion shit and he decided to go talk to a lizard . And he was all like "Hey lizard , how about you swim across the river and carry me on your back , I totally won't sting you to death halfway because then I'd drown too you know ?"
And the lizard said "First of all I'm a lizard , I don't go in the water . Second of all we're both desert animals so there is no river . And third of all you shouldn't bring up the stinging thing because that makes it seem like you WILL sting me ."
"Hmm , those are all good points" said the Scorpion .
So instead they hung out by the old abandond rusted 1962 Oldsmobile F-85 Jetfire by the railroad tracks cracked a few beers and tried to convince some road runner girls to bang them at the same time . Which they did .
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2018 Year in Review
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Posted:Jan 3, 2018 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2018 2:52 pm
53198 Views
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January 1 - Mauro Staccioli dies , his best known work is at Carrazeda de Ansiães in Portugal
January 2 - Around 11 AM the average CEO has made as much as you will make all year
January 3 - The Paganaxian invasion fleet comes within 3 parsecs of Earth
Huh , maybe this was a little premature .
I've never seen or interacted with the lady on the other side of the cube wall from me but she has some interesting ph conversations . Today she said something that might be the best thing uttered for the entire year of 2018 . And I quote ;
"I just get a little sensitive about this because no should ever criticize anything I do ."
Wow . The BALLS on this chick . Talk about making a blanket statement . NO should EVER criticize ANYTHING I do . The only explanation is that she is the greatest woman alive , that has ever lived , or will ever live and everything she does is not just right , it is absolute perfection . Don't even TRY to find fault with ANYTHING she does , has d , or ever will do . Or you will be made a fool of .
I am blessed to be working with such a towering figure . Hell we're ALL luck to be alive at the same time as her !
Then she spent a legitimate 22 minutes telling her how to make banana bread . That should take 5 minutes tops . Plus , her method of making banana break is insane . But I am not going to criticize it . Because I can't . No can .
At work today I was trying to learn about the Stored Communication Act and it's relevance to a policy I was writing (was it updated in 2015 or not ? I don't fucking know ! ) and I was reading various court cases when I came across City of Ontario (California) V Quan . There's a lot going on here .
First of all it was a class action suit brought Quan , his ex-wife (who divorced him because he was cheating on her) his ex-girlfriend (with whom he was cheating on his wife and who broke up with him because he was also cheating on her) and another ex-girlfriend (on whom he also cheated) . This is pretty impressive in and of itself . Clearly the guy is high impact with the ladies but on top of that he's able to convince them , after cheating on them to get involved with a legal case with him ? This dude is slick .
Is it a triumph of capitalism that these women orned were willing to set aside their anger for the promise of cold hard cash ?
They sued the police department because said police department read their messages that they sent via PAGER . This happened in 2010 folks . Who was still using pagers in 2010 ? The police because they are broke as shit . Many police departments STILL use them . When Quan's supervisor read the s because he was trying to figure out why the dude went over his limit every month (they had a limited plan for PAGER S !!! ) he saw that 90% of his s were sexts to his GF and/or his other GF . Pager sexts . Think about that .
Also think about all these people working in the same police department , which I'm guessing in Ontario CA is like 10 people max . This dude likes ing with fire .
The point is that the department had no policy in place saying they would read your pager s . It turned into a whole thing about privacy and the 4th amendment and whatnot and went all the way to the Supreme Court that ruled what the police department did was totally okay , but they sidestepped addressing any of the real issues . If you believe the hype this is what the Roberts Court was known for - making a ruling that didn't the lower courts understand anything .
The funny thing is they said they didn't want to set a precedent because it was "an emerging technology" . I think pagers are pretty much what they are at this point .
"40 that wasn't super interesting"
Oh we're just getting started ! These folks also sued the department for putting cameras in the locker room and filming then naked . Which they did do . Why ? Because they were looking for a stolen FLASHLIGHT . They won this case and were awarded 2.75 million which seems like a lot . I mean if some spies on me naked what's that worth ? Like 8 grand tops . Of course 1.5 million of that went to the law firm which seems like a real racket .
And did I mention that GF #2 was fired because she was tipping off her other BF about drugs raids on account of this dude was a narco trafficker in a violent motorcycle gang (which will remain nameless) . She sued the city for 3 grand because she said they made her use her own ph for work which is illegal in CA (but perfectly legal in most states) .
The people involved in this case sued the department and the city a total of 12 times for different reasons .
And check this out , the wife didn't become the ex-wife because of the pager sexting thing - she already knew about the affair because another woman who didn't work at the department who Quan was banging came into the police station , got his ph out of his locker and showed sexts and videos of GF#1 to the wife . Which Quan also sued about and LOST because that's not illegal !
Your mobile provide has the right to protect your data but the data on your ph has NO protection . If I get your ph I can show your nude pictures to whomever I want - although posting them online is a different kettle in some places due to so ed "revenge porn" laws .
Anyway the A was written into law by Ronald Regan so you can see that's it's woefully outdated . Yet no seems to be doing anything about it .
Also I'm pretty sure this story is going to be the plot of True Detective season 3 . I still don't know why people hated season 2 so much they cancelled the damn show . Vince Vaughn wasn't great and it was nowhere near as good as the first season sure , but it was good . Come on .
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No spend January
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Posted:Jan 2, 2018 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2018 5:04 pm
51570 Views
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The uber-trendy lady at work was telling everyone today that we all need to 'challenge ourselves" with this new fad of not spending any money in January . At first I was excited because I wanted to see how all these sheeple were going to survive 30 days without spending any money but as per usual the whole thing is a filthy LIE . You can spend money on food and gas and rent and stuff you're just not supposed to "waste" money . Boo .
Not spending money for a month is supposed to catapult you into financial security and make you a better person and blah , blah , blah yak , yak , yak . I actually do agree with what this is trying to accomplish but as you all know I am the kind of jerk who hates anything that's in vogue . As opposed to the kind of jerk that's loves anything that's in vogue . Because as you know the jerk doesn't fall far from the jerktree . Hmm the jerktree sounds like a sexual thing . The kind of sexual thing I don't want to know what it is . Although it's probably just a bunch of dudes jerking each other off in the shape of a Christmas tree .
Anyway since this trend is dumb I am going to do something fantastic and awesome to blow it out of the water and get everyone to be my friend on social media . I am going to spend ALL my money in January . And I mean all of it , I'm going to liquidate everything I own and then spend that massive fortune all in one month . "Wasting" it if you will . And that's just phase one !
I will then live AT MY CURRENT STANDARD OF LIVING until 2020 without spending a single penny . That is two solid years people (minus one month) where I will not give anyone a single red cent . And yet I will want for nothing . Well nothing that I don't already want for you see ?
How will I do it ? Follow me on Trendysnap to find out ! Hourly updates !
BTW these no spend January people are in for a world of hurt . Because , as we all know . . . There's the television . It's all right there - all right there . Look , listen , kneel , pray . Commercials ! We're not productive anymore . We don't make things anymore . It's all automated . What are we for then ? We're consumers . Yeah . Okay , okay . Buy a lot of stuff , you're a good citizen . But if you don't buy a lot of stuff , if you don't , what are you then , I ask you ? What ? Mentally ill . Fact , Jim , fact - if you don't buy things : toilet paper , new cars , computerized yo-yos , electrically-operated sexual devices , stereo systems with brain-implanted headphones , screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices , voice-activated computers . . .
Speaking of I figured out why I couldn't upgrade a while ago - HotMatch.com no longer takes paypal , they want your CC number . Yeah right like I'm going to trust these bozos . They do have a pretty nice scam where you can trade in gift cards for days of gold membership - at like 30 cents on the dollar . But I guess if your granny gives you a dumb gift card to the cheesecake factory and you want to use it to whine about how the 4 actual women on here aren't blowing you on command might as well right ?
Quick wrestling note , neck injuries are becoming an epidemic in these modern times so here's the skinny - when you become a wrestler (and you probably will) DO NOT agree to any spot where you get hit in the back of the neck . If you can't see it coming you can't react property if they're coming in heavy . Dropkick to the face ? Thumbs up . Dropkick to the back of the head ? No thank you sir .
I found out today that if our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras , this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species . As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point , we are at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth : that life's only purpose is life itself .
And now some practical advice . The key to creating a corporate fad on which you can cash in is to state the blindingly obvious in an appealing way . The end .
Corporate fad s, like Six Sigma or Agile Processing , are like viruses - invisible and intangible things , and then before you can say "to more with less" WHAM , everyone is infected . And the result is very similar to an actual flu : for a while you won't shut up about it and then you get nauseous and everything you do is crap .
These things are developed by (dirty liberal) academics who have nothing to do all day but think of topics for research papers . This is what you'd do , too , if you were an academic and not allowed to sleep with students . Some fad developers have become so famous that they need never work again , which is pretty handy since they don't actually know how to do anything .
Here's how to create your own corporate management fad :
Step one . Come up with a slick name , like "metamanagment" . Admit it , that sounds so awesome you already want to go out and hire a whole bunch of consultants . According to the US Central Business Research Bureau , a good name is primarily responsible for just over half of all successful product launches . I just made that up , but see how plausible it sounded coming out of something called the ‘US Central Business Research Bureau' ? BAM !
Some people (aka morons) think the theory should come before the name , but this is classic old person thinking . These are the suckers who believe customers buy the technically best product - as if ! The only way to deal with these idiots is to ignore everything they say while thinking about how much more money you make than them .
Step two . There is no step two . You'd know that if you were paying attention from before .
Once you've got the cool name , the theory underneath is largely irrelevant : just take something everyone knows to be true and paraphrase it ; Metamanging : gaining customer loyalty by satisfying key consumer needs . It's not like this is hard ; they're all just : "Do stuff better" . If you get stuck , just talk about replacing things with other things ; One key to metamanagin is replacing customers with .
If you've done your job right soon companies will have a Metamanagement Taskforce , a VP of Metamanaging and a special section in the annual report on the company's Metamanging initiatives. Of course , by then , you'll be earning $5700 an hour to speak to halls full of executives , have your name prefaced with "guru" and never have to do anything accountable ever again .
And that's the secret of Metamanagment !
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Such is annilhilation
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Posted:Dec 31, 2017 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2018 3:57 pm
51518 Views
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You know what's weird ? Oh you do ? Well , I'm going to write this anyway . Sorry . What's weird is when someone is 10-15 minutes late and they apologize you don't care that they were late . Legitimately , it doesn't bother you that they were late - you're not just letting them off the hook because they apologized . But if they don't say anything you become INCENSED . Maybe that's just me .
When you live in the Midwest this is about the time that your curse your ancestors and ask why they would even come to a frozen hellscape such as this . But I had a pretty decent family history so I know why in a few cases at least ;
Stole a goose from a nobleman for Christmas diner , fled the country to avoid being hanged
Deserted from the army during the War of 1866 , fled country to avoid being shot
Rebelled against Denmark , lost , fled country to avoid being hanged
Fled country to avoid being drafted during the War of 1870 (aka wanted to avoid getting shot)
Abandoned family , wanted to go where relatives couldn't find him for shooting or hanging
Two things occur to me looking at my heritage . First , the 1800s was a golden age for executing people . And second my ancestors lived much more interesting and terrifying lives than I do .
Or course that just explains why that came to America , there's still no excuse for stopping someplace where it's 20 damn below .
"Why don't YOU move instead of blaming your great-great-whatever grandparents ?"
Shut up that's why .
When I was in college I made a website for all my writing and roleplaying and wrestling junk - it had all the dazzling qualities of a 1998 webpage . After a few years one day amateur porn videos started showing up on there . At first I was like "sweet free porn" because this was back in the days when free porn was a rare and sacred thing . But then I was annoyed because someone was screwing with my website . More and more videos and pictures and other weird things started showing up on there from a biker couple . Back in those days you could put a counter on your website (remember those) and hardly anyone visited the site so I don't know why these people were doing this . Then it turned into a thing where I would delete their stuff and they would delete my stuff and we'd leave threatening messages for one another . It was strange .
Finally I gave up on the site but one day on a whim in like 2007 I went back and they were still putting stuff on there , not as often , but they were still active . I have no theory was to what was going on there .
I wonder how many fabulous geocities and angelfire sites are still sitting out there - monuments to the wacky days of the late nineties early 2000s .
In case you were wondering the lady had a pretty face but she was super skinny and had no tits and no ass . The husband/BF/whatever was a big burly dude with a stupid droopy beard who liked to wear sunglasses while banging . Classy .
This week's Bond selection is Never Say Never Again . I remember this movie seeming a little odd for some reason when I was a and now I know why - there's a whole deal with this movie .
Such as it came out a the same time as Octopussy . There was some kind of legal fight (this happens a lot in the Bond franchise) and it lead to competing Bond movies . NSNA with Sean Connery and Octopussy with Roger Moore . Everyone thought that Never Say Never Again would win because Connery was the original Bond but they were wrong , Octopussy won in a landslide . Probably because it has pussy in the title .
So Bond purists (people without GFs) don't consider Never Say Never Again to be a "real" Bond movie . If you buy a boxed set of Bond movies NSNA will never (say never again) be in it .
AND it's a remake of Thunderball . So it's a remake of a movie that's less than 20 years old with the same star . What's just weird .
But it has one of my favorite Bond lady villains - Fatima Blush . She even manages to make the insane clothing of 1983 look good . And she was going to shoot Bond in the dick . Plus she cray . But in a good way you know ?
And a young Kim Basinger is the "Bond girl" and let me tell you something about 1983 Kim Basinger - she is limber as FUCK . She must have been a dancer or something . Also I think they gave her some kind of injection to partially rubberize her bones . She's contorting like a triple jointed sidewinder . Also you can CLEARLY see her nipples through various sheer tops a good half the movie .
I never liked Thunderball so I would say this was a marked improvement but it's a very strange movie - the first act is basically just Bond being punked . Then he plays video games with a dude . Then some shit happens on a boat and somehow in the end Bond wins . Bond movies as usually not super strong plotwise but this one is especially shaky . Plus is has the worst Q ever - he's like a cockney asshole . That's not MY Q .
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God made boobs , I made this blog
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Posted:Dec 30, 2017 9:44 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2018 3:59 pm
51202 Views
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Back in the olden times God was hanging out in heaven eating popcorn chicken and basking in some well deserved praise (but not in a prideful way) from the heavily host . They were really impressed with some of the new features he came up with in his Eve human model (which some mistakenly called Lilith Version 2.0) .
The heavily host said "check out that rack" and it was good .
There was one angel off to the side wearing fancy black suit-pants , although apparently the knees wore out and someone thought bright red and yellow polkadots would be a good choice of fabric to patch them with . I guess it was because the they kind of matched the red suspenders that the angel was wearing to hold them up - over a bare chest which was strangely hairy , all the other angels being as sleek and hairless as baby seals .
The angel approached god holding a battered slouch hat in his hands which he continuously turned around and around nervously - his eyes darting about in a ratlike fashion .
"That's good work there god everyone really likes what you've done here , we're all really impressed you know . But I couldn't help but thinking , what's going to happen to them when it's cold ?"
And god said "Why would anything happen to them ?"
And the angel shuffled his feet and glanced around "Well I was just thinking you know , that maybe , sometimes things change when they're cold is all right ? Like water turns into ice and so forth . So I was thinking , them one bits there - the nipples I think they're called , which are great by the way - everyone says so - what if they got real hard and pointy when it's cold out ?"
"I'm not sure I see point of that ."
The angel laughed skittishly "Ha , don't see the point , nice pun . I was just thinking you know , that when it's cold out in the winter that's not a good time for the humans you know ? They get depressed , they gain weight , they get all pale and pasty - maybe we could give them a little pick 'em up you know ? Like the pointy nipples call attention to the boobs , kind of remind everyone that they're still there you know ? It's like thing's are bad right now , but . . . boobs ."
"Hmm , that's not such a bad idea ."
The angel bobbed his head in an off-putting birdlike manner "Great , great , and I was thinking one other thing too there your worshipfulness , I mean it stands to reason that if you're going to do something for the ladies . . ."
"I was just thinking that , we should make the men's dicks also get hard ."
The angel flinched "No , no , I mean you're god and all , but I was thinking that we make 'em shrink up real small and sometimes kind of turn inside out ."
"Why in My name would we do that ?!"
The angel blanched "Well . . . you know , I was just thinking that . . . you know maybe it would be good for a bit of a laugh right ? Lighten the mood a little bit eh ? These humans they're great and all , one of your best , right up there with the armadillo for sure , but they're all so serious all the time . Just a bit of a joke there is all I'm saying ."
And God was feeling magnanimous (as always) so god said "Sure , why not ?" And all the angels laughed .
And that one angel with the batted suit-pants and the suspenders and the slouch hat , that angel was named Wayne .
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Where do bad blogs go when they die ?
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Posted:Dec 29, 2017 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2017 9:17 am
51233 Views
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I'm following you , just not on Twitter .
My plan for 2018 is to get heavily into blackmail , revenge for hire , numbers running and smuggling exotic animals for profit . Naturally these activities carry a high degree of personal risk and I've been thinking about finding an heir to my blog . If the worst should happen some is going to need to carry on my tradition of excellence in the field of crypto-simian relations . I'll be taking applications now through January 17th .
Qualified candidates will ;
• Measure between 5’8 and 6’4
• Maintain legal residence within 60 iterations of the Central Finite Curve
• Have the ability to lift at least 22 pounds
• Possess sweet juggs (either on body or in magazine form)
• Know the combination
Bilingual is a plus .
I broke my highly successful embargo today and ate a Zesty Lemon Square - it was sinfully delicious . All the more so because it is forbidden . Anyway before I bit into it says to me "Whoa , before you bite me I have something to say" . I frowned because I don't like talking food but it goes "I know , this will just take a minute and then you can eat me . You shouldn't be looking for some that makes you happy , you should BE some that makes you happy ."
Like I'm going to take advice from a lemon square . Also that's the kind of pop psychology crap that needs to stop . It's really hard to find some that makes you happy , we all know that . But it's still a HELL of a lot easier than making yourself happy . We're all self loathing monsters and all the lemon squares in the world ain't going to change that .
And while I'm on the subject enough with the self-loathing already . It's getting annoying . The social contract is that you keep those dumb feelings to your stupid self - people have been whining way too much lately about how much they hate every and everything . We all hate everything , grow up already .
I've heard people brag about figure salaries , sometimes even or , but today I heard some bragging about donating figures to charity . Which is pretty dang lame . I mean bragging about giving to charity is bad enough , but a grand isn't enough to get my panties in an uproar you know ?
Also quick question some who brags about giving to charity what are the chances they're lying and they didn't even give any ?
I'd say about 80%
I had a dream the other night that I exposed a North Korean spy and was rewarded $7500 . And I got to thinking about it , if all some was doing was spying I probably wouldn't turn them in . Espionage can carry some wy prison time and could even result in treason charges and hstly I don't care about the secrets of nation-states , it's all just lines on a map . As long as a spy isn't hurting any or selling crack to fund their operation I don't care - spy away .
The other day I was chatting with Lala about my dick , as does , and she mistakenly thought I had implied that my dick was deadly . And I got to thinking that's not a bad marketing heme . Sorry , I can't have sex with any , my dick kills people . Some people will recognize it for that it is , but some people will want to prove me wrong . It's like in ye olden days when horror movies tried to tell people if they saw the movie they might drop dead . That brings in a certain sort .
Although it occurs to me now that if I said my dick was deadly people would probably just think I had the virus . So cancel that .
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You really horked the porpoise on this one Clarabelle
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Posted:Dec 27, 2017 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2017 3:07 pm
51345 Views
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Sometimes I think "Whoa , wait , what , John Legend married a porn star ?" but then I remember that Chrissy Teagan is a model and Teagan Presley is the porn star . The wiki claims that Teagan Presley was briefly married to Tyler Durden , who you may remember is the fake guy from the book/movie/lunch box Fight Club . So what does that mean ? Was she married to Ed Norton's split personality ?
Sidenote is it wrong to gaslight a porn star ? Seems like it's okay for some reason I can't put my finger on .
I was going to berate you all for not telling me that Woody Harrelson's father was a mob hitman but I think I knew that and just forgot so you're off the hook .
I've started the couch search and here are two of the early contenders ;
Pros - Is a couch , good mileage (needs zero gas)
Cons - Poor towing capacity
Pros - 546cc EFI liquid cooled engine , 12 inch ground clearance
Cons - Costs 15 times as much
Some people don't understand why I would consider purchased as UTV when what I need is a couch . Other people , MY kind of people , understand completely - you just park it in the living room when you're not tearing ass around the neighborhood raising hell .
Recently in the "bad" part of town two women got in a fight outside of a bar and the bouncer tried to break it up , which didn't work . So he did the natural thing which was to take out his gun and fire it into the air - as one does . At which point one of the women's boyfriends took out HIS gun and shot the bouncer in the ass - as one does . Jail time for everyone !
I know this guy is a bouncer but you NEVER try to break up a chick fight . I learned that in HS . A teacher told me that once when I was about to try to break up a catfight and I thought he was just being a perv but I realize now he was giving me sound advice . When women fight it's vicious .
And I think I know why . When dude's fight a lot of the time it's for no real reason - just a couple of drunk assholes being morons . Like they're fighting over if Samuel L Jackson was in Die Hard 2 or Die Hard 3 - they don't really give a shit about the reason for the fight it's just that fighting is "normal" for dudes . It's basically encouraged , if you've never been in a fight you're not a real man .
Women on the other hand don't usually fight and are discouraged from doing so - so when they do fight it's because things are serious . Less over things like which Cincinnati Red player has the most RBIs and more like "Imma kil you slut !"
If you take out the time I saw two bouncers at the strip club I worked out stomping a dude's head in - which is really less of a "fight" and more of a "attempted murder" - all the worst fights I've seen have been between two women . And by worst I mean slamming each other's heads into the ground and MMA style choking . That's why I've never understood the male fascination with catfights - I've never seen one and thought "oh man , they're going to start kissing soon" .
There usually is hair pulling but it's less erotic and more in the vein of "here comes a Muay Thai knee to the brainpan" .
In other news Anne Heche looks a lot like Amy Ryan now .
Did you know that Twitter is a "micro-blogging" site ? I didn't . The funny thing sometimes 140 character twitter posts are longer than some of the blogposts I see here . Clearly I don't have that issue .
A dude at work was ranting for 2 solid hours , no joke , about how expensive a restaurant was that he took his girlfriend to and then - after TWO HOURS - came the punchline . He said "the entrees were like 25 dollars each !" Twenty five bucks is not a lot for an entrée at a restaurant you would take a date to bro . He saw me flinch when he dropped the $25 bomb and he was eyeballing me and says "What ?" so I go , I go "She's a lucky lady Anthony" .
There's a short story called the Destructors that's pretty good , you should check it out . If you're into that sort of thing .
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Blogging for one
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Posted:Dec 26, 2017 5:46 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2017 4:40 pm
51267 Views
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First question , would you stay in one of these things ?
And if so would you pay an ASSLOAD of money to do it ? If you're wondering it's exactly what it looks like , a wooden ball suspended by a couple of ropes from trees . They're the Free Spirit Spheres in the Canada and they're a thing . The inside is actually quite nice . The concept of trying to sleep while at any moment you could plummet to your death doesn't seem great to me though . Put banging in one of these dang things on your fucking bucket list hombre .
I was going to get a new couch after I moved but since it turns out I'm too poor to move (unless I want to move into a crappier house which would be good for a laugh) I'm now thinking of shopping for one now . Where's the website where I find a lady to go furniture shopping with me ? There's ineffectual fuck sites and ineffectual relationship sites , but where's the site for opposite gender buddies ? I mean what I am going to do ? Go shopping with a MAN ? Ludicrous .
Granted we will have to test out the couch , and you KNOW what people do on couches .
At my old job some of the Bosnian refugees often showed interest in my "culture" and the "food of my people" and I always tried to tell them that in America what you do is abandon you cultural identity as soon as possible . I think it's a side effect of hyper-capitalism and the consumer culture that results from such . There's no money to be made with ancient traditions and hokey religions you know ? But I realized that it's not 100% true because Christmas is the one time of year that we do something to honor "my' culture . Namely making and consuming disgusting ethic foods .
Such as scrapple which is the meat from a head of a pig , pork fat , cornmeal and flour turned into a mush . If you down it in corn syrup it's almost enough to keep you from gagging . And as you put the pig head in the jar you can take bets on when the eyeballs will pop up as you wait for Santa . Fun for the whole family !
Then there's grout brookz which is shredded cabbage cooked in oil shoved into an undercooked roll . Why undercooked ? Verpiss dich!
And don't forget mett - which is very simply minced raw pork on a bread roll , in my experience a super hard gross bread roll . Eating raw pork is good for you right ? Right ?
Now there are a couple good things , none of which I can have anymore in my sugar-free zone ; apfelkuchen (apple cake) stollen (fruit cake which is actually very good despite the fruit cake becoming the standard for a shitty gift) and streuselkuchen which I did eat a little bit of because I figured with the streusel it's just bread . And carbs are fine right ?
And then we do dance the redowa by the light of the moon to call down the blessing of Nerthus . But you know , it's just like a thing we do .
Today at work someone said that we should all honor English traditions in America since "we all used to be English before the war" . I looked at the Native American lady and the black dude but they both gave me the "don't even bother man" head shake . Nevertheless I did ask her exactly when she thought Jose Pablo's family was English . It didn't appear to have any impact .
But while we're on the subject of gross English food eel blood is deadly poison to humans (and dogs) but I know they have it at sushi places . Turns out that eel is always served cooked and that said cooking breaks down the proteins and makes them "safe" . So if you ever catch an eel , and I feel confident that you will at some point , don't just bite into it .
Also how much money would you need to let an eel bite you live on TV ?
Continuing on my Bond movie kick I watched License to Kill with the family on Christmas Eve . My dad is the one who got me into the Bond movies in the first place . I remember when I first saw it decades ago it didn't seem very Bondy to me - and now I see why . It really isn't a Bond movie in the traditional sense . Bond quits MI6 and goes on a solo mission of revenge and murder - for which he should be put in prison on account of his titular license to kill was revoked . And he's not really foiling a scheme , he's just killing drug dealers .
Now that I'm re-watching all of these I'm remembering Felix Leiter . He's the CIA agent who turns up in about half the Bond movies to be his pal . In this movie his role is to have his legs eaten by a shark and have his wife rapemurdered to spur Bond on his spree of revenge killing . I remember being horrified by that scene where they hang Felix from a hook over the shark with the slab of meat as the counter balance . Shark eats the meat which makes you sink closer until eventually the shark is eating you .
Although in later movies Felix is fine so , I guess getting your legs eaten by a shark is something they have a vaccine for now . His wife is still dead though . And presumably still HotMatch.com .
The bad guy doesn't even get fed to the shark at the end which is a real missed opportunity if you ask me . The best Bond villain deaths are when said villain is hoisted by their own petard .
I'd like to hoist that Domino Vitali's petard if you know that I mean !
And finally , I am pretty strongly against clothes on pets . But I will make an exception for cat capes .
So long as they fight crime .
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No more guns in the valley
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Posted:Dec 24, 2017 9:35 am
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2017 4:56 pm
50801 Views
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We had our first significant snow here in the great state of Iowa . The good new is that my animal pal Pepito has returned . Although as much as I love Pepito it is a mixed blessing when I see him because he only comes this far south when it's going to be a really brutal winter . It's bittersweet when I get to hang with him .
The bad news is of course that as often happens with the first major snowfall the wolves were out in force . It makes sense , early in the season is when you can find the easy pickings - people who moved here from Florida who don't own an ice scraper , young folks driving for their first time in winter , older folks who are losing a step on the ice , etc. There's no sentiment in nature . Survive at any cost .
I remember the first time I saw the wolves come for someone . I was 11 and I was out shoveling with my dad and my uncle Randalberry and a friend of his from college , Esau . My sisters were clowning around in the backyard . I remember the sound of my mom screaming from inside the house but what was all the more horrifying was the look on terror that came over my dad's face . The first time you see true fear in one of your parent's is a earthshaking experience . They're your parents , how could they be afraid of anything ?
My mom was looking out the bay window in the back and saw a wolf snapping at my sister . Randallberry and my dad ran to the back , I think he told me to stay where I was but I just followed them out of instinct . A scrawny mottled wolf had my sister by the arm I thought , turned out it actually had a hold of her jacket , and her one mitten was off and blood was all over her hand . My older sister was holding onto her and kicking and failing at the wolf like crazy . It was madness .
Sidenote it's interesting how much my sisters fight and scream at each other and legitimately seem to hate each other but as whenever something went down they always risked life and limb for each other . And it's easy to say well that's what family does , but I know plenty of families that fuck each other over all the time . So I'm curious how that happens . What makes someone lay down their life for a person they don't even really like ?
I stood there frozen , the sight of blood on the ground was incomprehensible to me , but my dad and uncle chased the beast off . The way it would dash back and forth seemed crazy to me at the time . Down from my sister's coat was flying all over the place like snow and it seemed almost to me like the wolf was dancing or playing . I realize now what was going on .
As my dad got my sisters trundled inside Randalberry and I went back around to the front yard - Esau was gone . Just a few drops of blood and wolf tracks all over the place . I've often wondered did it happen silently or did we just not hear over the commotion in the backyard ? It didn't seem real . One minute a man was there and the next he's gone - never to laugh or love or live again . Just gone . Forever .
Since then I've seen them skulking about during the winters here and there but today was the first time I've had to deal with them . Pepito knew they were coming - either heard or smelled them - and he alerted me . He wanted to fight them , he always wants to fight , he's a squirrely little fellow but he as not fear in him . But he wouldn't last 4 seconds against even the smallest wolf . I sent him into the garage and shut the door while the pack gathered around me .
I stood tall and strong , shovel in hand , showing them I wasn't going to go down easy - it should have been enough . They should have moved on to look for softer prey , but they didn't . Sometimes things just don't go your way you know ? Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows , it will kick you right in the ass if you let it .
Many a wolf was slain today at my hands . And as always when you have to defend yourself you wonder , what's it all about ? What's the point of it all ? Are we fooling ourselves that it's anything other than nature bloody in tooth and claw ? They came at me because they needed food to live . I have food , I could have given them food . But where does it end ? If I give them all the food they need to survive will I have enough left for me ? Why do they deserve it more than I do ? They'd kill Pepito if they got the chance , does that make them evil ? Does it make me good that I protected him know that he'll eat hundreds of mice and baby birds next Spring ? Where does one life end and the next begin ? If we're all connected what are we doing to each other ?
Where was Santa while all this was going down ? If he sees everything why didn't he help me ? Why don't documentary film crews help baby otters when the mamba comes for them ? Why don't I help old Crazy Pete when he stands on the corner begging for money ?
Who I am ? Who are any of us ?
All I know is that in the end I enjoy life and it's pleasures and if someone tries to take that away from me I fight back . Is that right ? Is that wrong ? I don't know . I just know that it is .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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