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People Believe What They Want
 
People believe what they want to believe, much of the time. I don't mean to say that they believe things without any reason, but they believe, oftentimes, without good reason.

Most people will give some reason why they believe something. But an indicator of the fairness of their point of view is how they respond to even-handed, fair criticism of their view and to evidence for an opposing view. Lots of people have reasons for what they believe, but when those reasons are refuted--when they're taken away or weakened by other evidence--do they still stand on their point of view, or are they willing to adjust their view based on the evidence that comes in?

Sometimes the evidence people are initially faced with seems compelling. We were talking this morning about the Mars rock. As far as I've been able to tell, I think the Mars rock is much ado about nothing. NASA wants to send a probe to Mars and they don't have the money for it. All of a sudden this rock makes it into the news. They see a couple of forms one-hundredth the width of a human hair through an electron microscope. Scattered around it are some chemicals that are sometimes, but not necessarily, associated with life. As one person pointed out, if this had been found on earth, no one would have ever drawn the conclusion that this was life.

Indeed, these shapes you read about in the paper weren't even mentioned in the peer review piece sent to Scientific America -- the one reviewed by the scientists, so it must be more careful and rigorous. The reason they weren't mentioned is that these shapes were not good indicators of life. It sounds good in the press to the rank and file, but apparently no scientist in the field would take those shapes seriously. They were interested in the chemistry.

The point is, the evidence for ancient life on Mars wasn't conclusive in any way, shape or form. Yet those who want to believe in life on other planets or in evolution-- and even if there was life on Mars, it wouldn't prove evolution, as I pointed out-- they seize on this scanty evidence.

So, people will say, "Life on Mars! It's already been proven." Well, it hasn't.

Another example of this is, "Everybody knows that homosexuality is genetic; it's constitutional. Science has proven it." But science hasn't proven it. There is some indication that there may be some physiological factors contributing to a person's homosexuality, but no one has demonstrated any necessary genetic link.

Here's an example to give you an idea how careful you've got to be in drawing some conclusions. I was challenged on this issue by someone who pointed out there were enlarged hypothalamus in one study of homosexual cadavers. I asked, "How do we know that the enlarged hypothalamus in the homosexuals was the cause of homosexuality and not the effect ? These men were dead. Their lives were over. What evidence justifies our presumption that an enlarged hypothalamus was their in the beginning, causing the homosexual behavior? Why not rather presume that it was the homosexual behavior that caused the enlarging of the hypothalamus later in life?

To be honest, I don't know one way or another, because I'm not an expert in this field. I'm just raising the issue to show you how you can't simply jump to that conclusion. Those who are careful about the scientific evidence haven't come to that conclusion. The ones who have are those who are not in the field, who are not careful, yet who have something at stake in making the case for constitutional homosexuality.

I actually don't care if it turns out that homosexuality is genetic. It's irrelevant to the moral question. Just because homosexuality may come naturally for some doesn't mean it's moral to practice it. Indeed, one could say that the difference between just doing what comes naturally and principled self-restraint is called civilization.

Do we want to argue that whatever we "naturally" feel like doing at any moment ought to be morally allowed? That's the same as living like anima l s, because anima l s always obey their base physical impulses. Human beings are different. They have moral rules that constrain their behavior.

The point I'm making here is that, even if homosexuality did turn out to be hard-wired into the physiology, it still wouldn't begin to answer the question of whether it is moral to act on the desire. That's a different issue entirely.

My point is that people seize upon scanty evidence to justify something because they want it justified, not because they've examined the issue carefully. They'll say anima l s practice homosexuality. How do they know that? Because they see male dogs mounting other male dogs, or licking them in their genital areas. See? It's obvious: homosexuality is natural.

But it's not so obvious. Think about this for a second. If you ever had a male dog, you know that they don't just mount other male dogs. They also mount sofas, and trees, and will mount the leg of your guests if you're not careful. This is not homosexual behavior. This is auto-eroticism.

The only way one could show this behavior was homosexual is if one could demonstrate that the dog was desiring the male gender of the anima l he was mounting. One can't conclude from the observed activity alone that any anima l has homosexual desires. This is just another example of a hasty judgment.

Christians are also capable of hasty, unbalanced judgments. They often hold points of view that are not well justified or even are consonant with the full counsel of the Scriptures.

I get frustrated when people proof-text their pet point of view, but are unwilling to look at any other texts against their view. They just want to keep citing their pet verses, even when those verses are equivocal.

I've faced this in my teaching on Decision Making and the Will of God. For those who disagree with my particular approach, please take the time to look at my biblical assessment and critique the verses. Frankly, after I've given the talk I've had people come up to me and say, "That's pretty thorough. I think you're wrong, but I can't find any arguments against your biblical analysis."

Why would someone say such a thing? That's pretty good evidence I'm right, not wrong. I could be mistaken, but the way to correct me is to show how my treatment and assessment is not legitimate, given the texts I cite.

Here's what bothers me. We've talked a lot here about the issue of salvation, and whether God is the ultimate author of it or man is. This is the Calvinism vs. Arminianism debate. I've noticed a tendency of people who argue against my view-- that God chooses man for salvation-- and they simply keep going to their texts that talk about man choosing God.

Those verses do have to be taken into consideration in any overall assessment. Sometimes, though, it's like they're saying, "Where are Koukl and the rest of these Reformed guys getting this stuff? They're just making it all up, because here are my proof texts that are so clear."

Friends, what I'm trying to do is to make sense out of the whole Bible. It's my job to construct a way of viewing any particular doctrine which does the best justice to the most verses and references. I can't just camp on my pet verses and say, "There it is, plain as day. What's wrong with you?"

What bothers me is that many won't take the time to construct a theological point of view that attempts to integrate allthe verses pertaining to an issue. I want to ask them, "If your point of view is correct, then make sense out of this verse, and this verse and this verse... and I'll give you hundreds for my side. I could be wrong about my view, but you're going to have to work a lot harder at making sense of verses for my view in light of your theology."

I work hard at integration. This includes trying very hard to make sense of verses that seem to be contrary to my point of view. Anyone who does not do that simply is not interested in the truth. Anyone who sits on his verse and doesn't try to carefully deal with contrary verses-- doesn't try to offer an explanation of them that fits in with his overall view of the issue-- is not taking truth seriously.

I'm not saying that if you disagree with me then you're not taking truth seriously. I'm also not saying that you've got to be able to explain every single verse, because I can't do that either. Every point of view has its problems.

What I'm saying is this. If you're even-handed and fair-minded, you have to say: "I've looked at all the verses, and here's my understanding of it. This verse seems to state my view rather clearly, and here's a verse that seems to contradict my view, but there may be something else going on in this second passage. Here's what I think it is, and here's why I think it's stated in this particular way, so it gives the appearance of a contradiction, but it isn't really a contradiction. Here is a way to solve the apparent contradiction."

That's called scholarship, ladies and gentlemen. That's called even-handed Bible study. That's called clear thinking. And if all you're willing to do is sit on your own verses, you have no guarantee you aren't going to be completely wrong in your view. You can only have confidence if you're careful to integrate into your particular point of view, as much as you possibly can, even those verses which seem contrary to it.

This is very important. It doesn't matter whether you happen to agree with me or not. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about care in study, whether it's Bible, or science, or Mars rocks, or homosexuality, or whatever. It's a willingness to engage all the facts, and try to integrate them as even-handedly as possible into a theory or view or hypothesis so you have the least amount of conflict with all of the facts concerned.

Those people who use the scientific method in the best sense are people who try to fit all of the facts in and not just grab onto those facts they like. They don't play, "Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil" with facts they don't like.

This is bad scholarship with scientists, but it's reprehensible for a Christian when you consider what's at stake, the source of the information (the Bible), and that it's the most important truth we could ever be thinking about. We'd better be giving that kind of issue our best shot.
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Wife wants to watch me with another man?
Posted:May 16, 2018 10:20 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
1494 Views

Well, this is new. I usually come across stuff about husbands wanting to watch their wives with other men, or wives wanting to watch their husbands with other women, or husbands wanting to watch their wives with another woman; but I’ve never come across stuff about wives wanting to watch their husbands with other men. I think it’s an interesting subject for gauging people’s attitudes, because I think in all the other enarios, while you might get frowns, you wouldn’t necessarily get the questions I imagine would come up in cases where wives want to watch their husbands with other men.

I don’t know but the way people appear to be to me, it’s hard to imagine very many heterosexual men being willing to indulge their wives in a situation where she desires to see him engage in sexual activity with another man. Our attitudes are so convoluted that we would actually make a distinction between a wife being intimate with another woman to please her husband and a husband being intimate with another man to please his wife. We tend to be more willing to accept than to accept the other, and a heterosexual woman who would never consider being intimate with another woman might react less violently at the suggestion of intimacy with another woman than a heterosexual man opposed to the idea of intimacy between males might react at the suggestion of intimacy with another man.

Sexual curiosity is normal and what people are willing to do sexually to please their spouse is nobody’s business except the people in the marriage; but there are some curiosities that I think, if you have them and your spouse is not willing to indulge your fantasies, it’s really on you to accept that your spouse is not comfortable with doing the things you are asking than it is on your spouse to compromise his or her beliefs and principles for the sake of you getting your sexual fantasies indulged.
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Why Straight Men Have Sex With Each Other
Posted:Jun 19, 2016 3:45 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
4937 Views

There’s a pretty clear gender divide in how Americans deal with straight people who dabble in gay activity. When heterosexual women make out with one another at a bar or party, it’s generally understood that they’re simply playing around for attention, or exploring the fluid space that is female sexuality. When heterosexual men hook up with each other, on the other hand, it’s seen either as an act born of desperation

think men who are locked up — or an indication that while they may claim to be straight, they really aren’t — think disgraced GOP members of Congress. When straight women hook up with other straight women, no real explanation is required; when straight men hook up with other straight men, it’s a different story.

This divide stems from a common understanding of human sexuality: The female variety of it is more malleable, more inherently open to experimentation and variety, than the male variety. In Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men, out last month from NYU Press, Jane Ward, an associate professor of women’s studies at the University of California, Riverside, makes the case that this is a flawed understanding. In doing so, she shows that homosexual contact has been a regular feature of heterosexual life ever since the concepts of homo- and heterosexuality were first created — not just in prisons and frat houses and the military, but in biker gangs and even conservative suburban neighborhoods. Given how prevalent this behavior is in so many different sorts of settings, Ward suggest it’s time to stop explaining it away — and argues that society’s conception of male heterosexuality is an unrealistic, expedient one.

Science of Us spoke to Ward about her book.
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Male Homosexuality Study: Gay Men Have Evolutionary Benefit For Their Families, New Research Suggest
Posted:Apr 30, 2016 9:34 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
3783 Views

While female sexuality appears to be more fluid, research suggests that male gayness is an inborn, unalterable, strongly genetically influenced trait. But considering that the trait discourages the type of sex that leads to procreation — that is, sex with women — and would therefore seem to thwart its own chances of being genetically passed on to the next generation, why are there gay men at all?

Put differently, why haven’t gay man genes driven themselves extinct?

This longstanding question is finally being answered by new and ongoing research. For several years, studies led by Andrea Camperio Ciani at the University of Padova in Italy and others have found that mothers and maternal aunts of gay men tend to have significantly more offspring than the maternal relatives of straight men. The results show strong support for the “balancing selection hypothesis,” which is fast becoming the accepted theory of the genetic basis of male homosexuality.

The theory holds that the same genetic factors that induce gayness in males also promote fecundity (high reproductive success) in those males’ female maternal relatives. Through this trade-off, the maternal relatives’ “gay man genes,” though they aren’t expressed as such, tend to get passed to future generations in spite of their tendency to make their male inheritors gay.

While no one knows which genes, exactly, these might be, at least one of them appears to be located on the X chromosome, according to genetic modeling by Camperio Ciani and his colleagues. Males inherit only one X chromosome — the one from their mother — and if it includes the gene that promotes gayness in males and fecundity in females, he is likely to be gay while his mom and her female relatives are likely to have lots of . If a inherits that same X-linked gene, she herself may not be gay, but she can pass it on to her sons. [Why Are There Gay Women?]

But how might the “gay man gene” make females more reproductively successful? A new study by Camperio Ciani and his team addresses the question for the first time. Previously, the Italian researchers suggested that the “gay man gene” might simply increase androphilia, or attraction to men, thereby making the males who possess the gene homosexual and the females who possess it more promiscuous. But after investigating the characteristics of 161 female maternal relatives of homosexual and heterosexual men, the researchers have adjusted their hypothesis. Rather than making women more attracted to men, the “gay man gene” appears to make these women more attractive to men.

“High fecundity, that means having more babies, is not about pleasure in sex, nor is it about promiscuity. The androphilic pattern that we found is about females who increase their reproductive value to attract the best males,” Camperio Ciani told Life’s Little Mysteries.

Turns out, the moms and aunts of gay men have an advantage over the moms and aunts of straight men for several reasons: They are more fertile, displaying fewer gynecological disorders or complications during pregnancy; they are more extroverted, as well as funnier, happier and more relaxed; and they have fewer family problems and social anxieties. “In other words, compared to the others, [they are] perfect for a male,” Camperio Ciani said. Attracting and choosing from the best males enables these women to produce more offspring, he noted.

The new study will appear in an upcoming issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Of course, no single factor can account for the varied array of sexual orientations that exist, in men as well as in women. “It is quite possible that there are several influences on forming a homosexual orientation,” said Gerulf Rieger, a sexual orientation researcher at Cornell University. He noted that environmental factors — including the level of exposure to certain hormones in the womb — also play a role in molding male sexuality. But as for why genetic factors would exist that make men gay, it appears that these genes make women, as well as gay men, alluring to other men.
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Why does my male cat try to have sex with our other male cat?
Posted:Apr 30, 2016 9:31 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2016 8:22 pm
3655 Views

This type of activity is common throughout the animal kingdom and is completely normal. Homosexual tendencies persist in many species and are thought to be hormonal in nature. Studies have revealed that rats deprived of certain hormones at birth, or given them to excess, will exhibit sexual behavior not unlike that of the opposite sex. A male cat in heat may be so hormonally active it is not interested in the gender of its partner so long as it can perform its biological duty.

There is also some evidence to support the theory that this type of behavior helps animals establish a pecking order. One will attempt to "mount" another in an effort to establish dominance, thereby pinning it into submission. The sexual act is often left undone as the point is rather quickly made.

There are also known cases of animals actually being "gay," where male cats will back up into other male cats as though they are in estrus. The heterosexual partner may then elect to mount the gay partner, confused, but willing to oblige.
1 comment
Shocking Stats About Men and Sex
Posted:Apr 30, 2016 9:23 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
3859 Views
Sex researchers are peculiar beasts. Armed with their tape measures, clipboards, surveys, and hidden cameras, they seek to provide a peephole from which to scrutinize that most private of spheres, human sexuality. What's most surprising is that we let them in—we're more than happy to unzip our pants and bare our private lives. Why do we do it? Maybe it's precisely because sex is so private that we're compelled to share. We know that without sex researchers to disseminate data about our sex lives, we'd be forced to rely upon furtive glances in the men's room, never sure of what to add or subtract to account for the angle; upon locker room stories, never sure how many grains of skeptical salt to apply; upon porn that only leaves us feeling depressed about ourselves. So cheer up, because most of what you think you know is probably wrong. Today, sex researchers step out from behind the curtain and share the real numbers on five areas of men's sexual health. The answers may surprise you.

Sex on the Brain

The idea that men think about sex every seven seconds, like the claim that we only use 10 percent of our brains, is often repeated but rarely sourced. The number doesn't bear up against scrutiny. According to the Kinsey Report (Sexual Behavior in the Human Male), 54 percent of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43 percent a few times a week or a few times a month, and 4 percent less than once a month. Even though the Kinsey Report relies on men to self-report on how often they think about sex, it's still eye opening to find that just under half of men aren't even thinking about sex once a day. Clearly, the seven-second rule may be a tad hyperbolic.

Not Tonight, Honey

The stereotype about the sex-starved man and the disinterested woman may be more than just a cliche. As it turns out, the instant a woman enters a secure relationship, her sex drive begins to plummet. Four years in, a German study found, fewer than half of women wanted regular sex. And after 20 years, only 20 percent did.

Among men, libido held steady no matter how long they'd been in the relationship. Researchers provide an evolutionary explanation—women's sex drive is initially high to facilitate pair bonding. Meanwhile, desire for tenderness showed the opposite trend. Ninety percent of women craved tenderness, but of men who'd been in relationships for ten years, only 25 percent said they hoped for the same from their partner.

For as long as there's been such thing as a ruler, men have been putting wood to, um, wood and wondering how they measure up. "There's nothing wrong with you. You look at yourself from above and you look foreshortened," Hemingway reassured a panicking F. Scott Fizgerald. "It is basically not a question of the size in repose. It is the size that it becomes. It is also a question of angle."

The trouble is that most of the actual surveys of penis size are unscientific and unreliable. The Kinsey survey relied on men to report their own numbers honestly and accurately—never a good idea. (Curiously, that survey found that gay men reported having longer penises than straight men—a finding never since replicated.)

Since then, there have been numerous attempts to settle on a number: from various Web surveys to the condom company that did a survey in Cancun during spring break ("Excuse me, could you step into my office, I need to check something"). But the most rigorous studies to date found similar results—the Journal of Urology put the average penis size at 5.08 inches, and the International Journal of Impotence Research put it at 5.35 inches
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Does it really matter who you will marry if you are in love?
Posted:Feb 11, 2014 5:28 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
6866 Views

Same-sex marriage is not wrong. It is a long-overdue extension of a thoroughly modern institution that affords loving and committed same-sex couples the opportunity to more fully contribute to and maintain the well-being of their family, as well as that of their communities, and society as a whole.

The formal institutionalization of same-sex marriage by state governments across the United States will help to bolster and strengthen the institution of marriage. A “sad commentary on today’s culture” is not that same-sex couples want to marry, but that there are people, like you, who would deny gays and lesbians of such an important element of our society because they want it only for themselves on the premise that it must be protected. Protected from what, exactly?

The definition of marriage has been a moving target over the course of human civilization. Not until the 20th century did the more “progressive” idea of love and a mutual commitment between two people come to be part of the “tradition” of marriage. Be that as it may, this thoroughly modern model of marriage is not predicated on the physical attributes of those entering into a union, but rather a willingness and desire to make a life-long commitment to each other—through sickness and health, for richer or poorer—that is guided by a standard benchmarked on fundamental human and civil ideals: Love, commitment, perseverance, and stability.

These are grand things that make up our institution of marriage and are most certainly about something larger. Providing for universal access to marriage is to invite the whole of our society to strive for those fundamental ideals, in public witness of our family, friends, and community. It is the surest way to both perpetuate those very standards and to encourage a positive social and civil impact on our society, our daily journey as individuals, and throughout our married lifetimes. That is, absolutely, for the common good.

Further, Mr. Byrne, you managed to confound your opinion by entwining beliefs on entirely separate thoughts. Even a “traditional” definition of marriage neither says nor implies anything regarding . Marriage, procreation, and -rearing are three entirely different matters. You stated that “every has a right to a mother and a father.” In fact, every has a biological mother and father. This is not a right, but a basic tenant of sexual reproduction.

Same-sex marriage does not harm . At the heart of a committed marriage is a sense of selflessness. Two people wanting to make such a union are willing to sacrifice their time, energy, money, and even safety when necessary, which is the basis of a good model of fitness for parenthood. For those who are being raised by gay parents, or who are themselves gay and being raised by straight parents, their needs are universally the same: Love, commitment, perseverance, and stability. For those who are rearing , same-sex or otherwise, marriage can be a helpful component of a well-rounded upbringing. But, marriage, same-sex or otherwise, is not required to either conceive a or rear a successfully.

The “standard” you are advocating to preserve is no such thing, Mr. Byrne. It is a short-sighted wish of how you want things to be. I cannot fathom a viewpoint that advocates exclusion or discrimination as a way to maintain some high purpose or “standard”. No principle that is meant to bolster a society can be upheld when not all of that society is allowed to participate. We have done away with feudalism; the rich and the poor pay taxes for the betterment of our civilization.

It is time to move your thinking out of the Dark Ages and into the 21st century. Here today we have 16 states that provide access to marriage for same-sex couples. Expressing our natural and God-given capacity to love; our desire to fully commit ourselves to one another; to help our family and each other persevere through the bumpy roads and headwinds of life; and to seek and work hard to maintain stability for ourselves and our family are all aspects of the human drive and experience to be celebrated, not derided or put down as abhorrent. For all those reasons and for the common good, that is 34 states too few.

I whole-heartedly disagree with some peoples opinion against same-sex marriage, we respect your right to express it. What I can abide is the perpetuation of tired and baseless claims that same-sex marriage is wrong because you think it is a destructive force borne from selfishness. The propagation of your backward view comes at the expense of a vibrant community of committed and productive gays and lesbians across the country who desire to be afforded equal footing in our society to love and care for one another. This, at its most basic, is a good thing. Your opinion against same-sex marriage perhaps it might be wrong

To be clear, same-sex marriage is soon to be legal in Illinois and Hawaii, and is already legal in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, Washington D.C., California, New York, Washington, Maine, Maryland, Rhode Island, Delaware, Minnesota, and New Jersey. It is also legal in Argentina, Australia (ACT only), Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Denmark, France, Iceland, Mexico (DF and QR only), Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, the United Kingdom (England and Wales only), and Uruguay. As with every path that must be forged through the thorny thickets of the narrow and bigoted, the United States, and the world, is making good and steady progress furrowing the bramble of this kind of narrow-minded and small thinking with seeds of equality. In the end, those ideals of love, commitment, perseverance, and stability are blazing that path

THE FACTS

Less People are Married Now

Percentage of population that is married: 59%, down from 62% in 1990, 72% in 1970.

Percentage of population that has never married: 24%.

The Old “Father Knows Best” Homes are Increasingly Rare
Married couples in which only the husband is employed: 22.4%
Married couples in which only the wife is employed: 6.8%
Married couples in which both partners are employed: 53.5%
The Seven Year Mark is the Hardest

Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years, Females: 7.9 years.

Median duration of second marriages that end in divorce: Males 7.3 years, Females: 6.8 years.

(All of above from U.S. Census Bureau)

More of Us Are Divorcing

80% of divorces are unilateral (Harvard University Press)
Divorce increased almost 40% from 1970 to 1975 (National Center for Health Statistics).

The number of currently divorced adults quadrupled from 1970-4.3 mill. To 1994—17.4 mill. (Census Bureau)

Percentage of population that is divorced: Almost 10% (up from 8% in 1990, 6% in 1980) (Census Bureau)

Adults who are divorced (2000): Males 8.3%, Females: 10.2

Yet Most Adults Still Want to Be Married (And Fail At It)
Percentage of people who have ever been married by the age of 55: Both males and females: 95%

Percentage of first marriages that end in divorce in 1997: 50% (This is only an estimate, but everyone uses it as fact)
Percentage of remarriages that end in divorce in 1997: 60-70% (estimated)

Percentage of couples living together for more than five years who eventually marry as of 1995: 70%

Percentage of married people who reach anniversaries:
5th: 82%
10th: 65%
15th: 52%
25th: 33%
35th: 20%
50th: 5%
Divorce Has a Tremendous Impact on and Adults and On Society as a Whole
Drop in standard of living of females after divorce as of 2000: 45% (National Center of Health Statistics)

In 1996, of divorce were 50% more likely than their counterparts from intact families to divorce. (National Center of Health Statistics)

Fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, 90% of homeless/runaway , 85% of with behavior problems, 71% of high school dropouts, 85% of youths in prison, well over 50% of mothers. (National Center of Health Statistics)

(Journal of Marital and Family Therapy) Marital problems are associated with decreased work productivity, especially for men.
Marriage, General

Many more couples live together prior to marriage than in the past—recent estimates are in the range of 60+% (A nationwide random phone survey—Stanley and Markman) (Journal of Marriage and the Family) These couples are less likely to stay married, probably mostly due to the fact that they are less conservative about marriage and divorce in the first place.

money is the one thing that people say they argue about most in marriage, followed by (Stanley and Markman, nationwide phone survey), but there is a lot of reason to believe that what couples argue about is not as important as how they argue, (Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg, 1994)
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Lust vs Love
Posted:Jan 3, 2014 11:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2014 5:33 am
6818 Views

've seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection--you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be--rather than seeing the real person, flaws and In my book on intuitive healing I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the "real person" surfaces. It's the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she "can do no wrong." Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

SIGNS OF LUST

You're totally focused on a person's looks and body.
You're interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
You'd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
You are lovers, but not friends.
SIGNS OF LOVE

You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
You want to honestly listen to each other's feelings, make each other happy.
He or she motivates you to be a better person.
You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.
Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn't easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it's essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you're attracted to someone. This needn't pull the plug on passion, but it'll make you more aware so you don't go looking for trouble.

FOUR NEGATIVE GUT FEELINGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS (from Guide to Intuitive Healing)

Watch for:

1. A little voice in your gut says "danger" or "beware."

2. You have a sense of malaise, discomfort, or feeling drained after you're together.

3. Your attraction feels destructive or dark.

4. You're uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you're afraid that if you mention it, you'll push him or her away.

Over the years, I've spoken at women's prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong--but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.

It's so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you're not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, "This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy." To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve
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How Playing ‘Hard to Get’ Can Get You What You Want
Posted:Jan 3, 2014 8:06 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2016 9:34 pm
7022 Views

the dating world isn’t easy on any level.

Whether you’ve been single for years, are newly single, or have recently experienced a number of short-lived relationships, finding Mr. Right can be tricky–and once you think you’ve found him, the next question is how to handle him? Should you let him take the lead, or should you take total charge of your destiny?

Modern logic has it that women have every right to be the aggressor in the dating world. While this makes perfect sense, there are some experts and studies that say we should think twice. This includes relationship expert and author Ronnie Ryan.

“Regardless of what anyone says, the reality is that most men like the chase,” says Ryan. Her sentiments are backed up by a major study published in the European Journal of Personality. The study revealed that men are initially attracted to women with low-availability, while women prefer men with medium-availability. In other words, it may be 2013, but men prefer the somewhat more basic era, particularly when it comes to catching their prey.

If this concept confuses our more transparent and forceful sisters, Ryan offers the following tips to help you better understand exactly what ‘playing hard to get’really entails and how it can benefit you.

1. Never Chase Him, Let Him Initiate

“You can’t take the DNA out of dating,” says Ryan. “When a man is chased by a woman, she can come off as desperate and needy. Historically, men have reported loving the chase. Even though this is 2013, it’s not all that different. Most men like a challenge.”

Women who are patient and have the presence of mind to wait for the right partner tend to be much happier, asserts Ryan.

“It isn’t that you should ever play games, but making it very clear that you have self-respect is key.”

Have you found yourself chasing a man and losing yourself in the process? If you’re reading these words right now, there’s a possibility your pursuits have failed.

2. Don’t Call Him First
When the man you are pining over is interested, he’ll most likely find the gumption to ask for your number and give you a call.

“If you were being honest with yourself, it’s likely you wouldn’t want to date a man that doesn’t take initiative to go after what he wants,” suggests Ryan.

And who wants to experience the “he’s not that into you” dating scenario?

“Never take his number,” instructs Ryan. “Give him yours and let him make the first move.”

“In the case that he’s a bit shy, it’s alright to hint once. Give him your number, walk away, and then let him do the calling.”

3. No Marathon Dates at the Beginning
Take your time. Let the relationship momentum grow gradually. Keep the first handful of dates short and sweet. Keep him wanting more — and in all seriousness it will keep you wanting more also.

“It’s a common scenario: we women want to spend every waking moment with our love interests. The worse thing you can do is give him the impression you want to monopolize his time,” says Ryan.

Having a life of your own is very important. As your relationship progresses, keep doing the things you love and give him ample of time to spend time with his friends, enjoy his hobbies, and have moments of solitude.

4. Don’t Buy Him Gifts
Giving gifts to a man you barely know isn’t a good idea — plain and simple. “While gifts are a nice gesture, this is a major initiation on your part,” says Ryan. “This can easily scare a man away.”

Wait until you have established a relationship before showering him with gifts.

5. Let Your Confidence Shine
There are very few men that don’t like a confident woman. Don’t let your fears creep into the picture. “A confident woman doesn’t work hard to win a man over. She knows how to flirt, be playful, and then move on so he’ll come running after her.”

If you find yourself lacking confidence, you should seriously consider doing some personal work before getting into a relationship. Low self-esteem may very well lead you away from the possibility of finding the mate you’ve always dreamed of and into a stressful situation.

“In the end, the art of playing hard to get should be very subtle,” says Ryan. “Be yourself, be warm, and kind — but just leave the initiating to him.”

Simply put, there is a major difference between playing hard to get and game playing.

“You have to be yourself because you want the person to fall for the real you and not a contrived version,”
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When You Are Wrongly Accused
Posted:Dec 10, 2013 7:40 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
6970 Views

When You Are Wrongly Accused

False accusations and gossip can destroy lives, even if the accused is innocent. If your reputation is under attack, Dr. Phil has advice on taking your power back:
Accept that there is no way you can erase what has happened. Even though the accusations may be unfair and untrue, the situation is real. You need to get out of denial about that in order to deal with it in the here and now.
Watch your catastrophic language. If you keep saying this is "horrible" and your life is "ruined," you add to the stress. Put things in perspective. An innocent in a burn unit of a hospital is horrible. Perhaps your situation isn't as tragic. Perhaps your life isn't ruined, but just damaged. Change your internal dialogue, and you will feel better.
Life Law #2: You Create Your Own Experience. The first person you've got to repair your reputation with is you. Are you a bad guy? Are you a bad citizen? Do you hurt people? Do you commit crimes? The answer if probably no. Stop feeling guilty and being angry with yourself. Own your mistakes, forgive yourself for them but don't continue to beat yourself up. Life is not a success-only journey. Learn from your bad decisions and move on.
Ask yourself what you would like to see happen in order to clear your name. Is there anything that anyone " the authorities, your co-workers or someone in the community " can do that could ever make the situation better.
Begin with your inner circle. Start rebuilding your reputation with your family, close friends and neighbors. You make sure they know the truth. When your inner circle knows who you really are, they will go out into the world with the truth, and it will create a ripple effect. And if you are confronted with these false accusations again, you look the person in the eye, and you tell your side of the story. You don't need to bring this up the rest of your life, but in your immediate circle and in this immediate time, you want to step up and tell them the truth.
Understand that people might come forward to admit they were wrong. And they might not. It is up to you to put this behind you. Give yourself what you wish you could receive from others. You need to say to yourself, "I know I didn't do this. And I will give myself what I wish the community, the authorities, etc., would give me."
Life Law #8: You Teach People How to Treat You. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "If you walk into the world, and you're hanging your head, and you kind of don't want to look anybody in the eye, and you're shameful, then people will treat you that way. You've got to decide, ‘I did not do this crime. I am innocent. I've owned my bad decision, which comes with being young, and I am not going to hang my head in shame.' If you do, you will engage people that way. That's the fundamental way for you to get through this. You have to be your best friend, and you have to decide who you are at the core." Begin the process of closure by not reacting to what you think people are saying about you. If you allow yourself to be intimidated, feel guilty or shrink away because of what people think, you are putting yourself in a prison.
Don't try to address every accusation. "If you decide to start defending yourself, that will become your full-time job," Dr. Phil tells a guest. "If you answer every story, every piece of gossip, every allegation in your life, that's all you will ever do." You will be completely consumed by this and it will take over your life.
Stop reacting to the rumors. "You give it legs by reacting to it," Dr. Phil tells his guest. Don't draw attention to yourself defending the rumor. "You need to give yourself permission to just live your life. If there are people out there who think something about you that you don't like, then those won't be your friends." There will be other people who will like and respect you for who you are, and they will be your friends.
Stand up for yourself and say, "I'm taking my power back. I'm not going to give them the power to pick my feelings. They're wrong and I can look myself in the mirror knowing the truth." Dr. Phil tells a guest, "You have to decide that you believe in who you are, what you stand for, and what you do, and you just need to go forth and do it." You need to walk forward from the situation. "Who you are and what you do, that will win out in time."
Know that it's normal to feel a twinge of guilt even if you're completely innocent. We always hear about guilt by association. But there is also guilt by accusation. People hear something negative and tend to believe it. If you accuse a person unfairly, he/she still has that twinge " just from having the finger pointed at him/her.
Don't fall into the trap of acting out with non-directional frustration. The stress that comes with being wrongly accused can lead a person to act out with those closest to them, like a spouse or . Remember that the enemy isn't your loved one; it's an outside force.
0 Comments
Many believe love is putting up with, sacrificing, tolerating, or suffering in silence thinking
Posted:Dec 7, 2013 12:51 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2024 9:4 am
6988 Views

Many believe love is putting up with, sacrificing, tolerating, or suffering in silence thinking their commitment is proof of their love. This is not love.

Understanding, seeing, hearing, and accepting someone for who they are is love.

When you make someone wrong, there’s a value you hold being stepped on. It’s black and white in your mind, but in between lives everyone else’s perception of truth.

Someone not living up to your value of “hard work” you may judge as “lazy.” Someone who does not follow your idea of “giving” you may judge as “selfish.” Someone you judge as “inconsiderate” is not acting in a way you see as “kindness.”

Notice how it feels when others project their values onto you. The question is not whether someone is right or wrong, but whether the words and actions are coming from the spectrum of fear on one side or love on the other. The result will be either constructive or destructive.

Extreme fear breeds hatred leading to very destructive consequences that Hitler created in the world he lived in. Extreme love leads to compassion, and what Mother Teresa created in the world she lived in.
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Harassment is a criminal offense
Posted:Oct 16, 2013 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2013 2:43 am
7730 Views

Harassment is a criminal offense that involves unwelcome actions, which may be intentional or unintentional, performed by one person toward another person. Harassment makes the receiving person feel uncomfortable, irritated, or fearful for his or her safety. Aggravated harassment is a broad legal term that refers to intentional actions designated to intimidate or terrorize another person. The exact legal definition may vary depending on the state, region, or country the action occurs in; however, most jurisdictions tend to categorize the crime into either first or second degrees according to the severity. The punishment will depend on whether the charges are considered first or second degree.

The less severe form of aggravated harassment is second degree. This may include contacting another person through repeated letters, telephone, or other electronic means, even after the victim has asked the perpetrator to stop. The perpetrator will usually act with the intent to make the victim feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It may also include certain physical contact, such shoving or striking, or just the threat of inflicting physical contact. A second degree form of the crime is generally a misdemeanor or more minor crime.

First degree aggravated harassment is considered the more severe category of the criminal action. It typically involves the same type of behaviors as the second degree category, but may be labeled as first degree if it the person being charged has already been convicted of the second degree form in the past. Some jurisdictions may be more likely to charge a person with first degree if his or her threats or actions were based on the victim’s religion, race, gender, age, or sexual orientation. First degree aggravated harassment is usually punished as a felony or more serious crime.

The punishment for aggravated harassment can vary widely depending on different factors.

One of the main factors in determining sentencing is the state, region, or country the alleged actions occurred in. Different areas typically have their own sentencing laws for the crime and they can differ even from other nearby areas. Some areas may also be stricter in sentencing on different factors, such as if physical force was involved or if the victim was targeted due to his or her beliefs, lifestyle choices, race, age, or other discriminatory factors. Another key factor in determining sentencing is the severity of the crime and whether it is first or second degree, as well as if it is a repeated offense.
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Signs Your Partner is Lying
Posted:Oct 12, 2013 9:59 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2014 8:56 pm
7929 Views

There isn't one sign that always indicates a person isn't telling you the truth, but there are patterns in how they behave. If you discover one or two signs, they are likely meaningless. But if you see enough of them repeatedly, that is when it becomes a significant pattern. Not surprisingly, studies show that women are better at detecting lies than men. Women are more likely to pick-up on the nonverbal messages or signs that their partner isn't telling the truth.

Here are some signs that your partner might be lying to you.

1. Becomes Evasive. At first, your partner may avoid outright lying and just become evasive. If this is not how your partner typically behaves, then it can be a signal that something is up. It may feel like pulling teeth to have a conversation. When asked direct questions, your partner may avoid answering the questions or say "I don't know".

2. Speech Patterns. When people are lying, they often speak hesitantly, in a higher pitch and they make more grammatical errors and slips of the tongue, than when they are telling the truth. Also, when people are lying, there are discrepancies or mismatches between their tone of voice and their facial expressions. Your partner may even cover his or her mouth while talking. It's as if they're subconsciously repressing the untruths they're saying. It may be as blatant as completely concealing the mouth or as subtle as a single finger placed in front of the lips.

3. Body Talk. On many occasions, when your partner is lying, the mouth and the body are not in sync. The words sound convincing, but everything else about the body sends a very different message. Also, if your partner can't look you straight in the eye this may also mean he or she has something to hide. When people are lying, their pupils dilate and they blink more often.

What should you do if you suspect that your partner is lying? First, you want to try to understand the reason behind the lie. Most of the time, this is more important than the content of the secret or deception itself. Then, you need to have a conversation with your partner-a trust chat. Pick a good situation to talk to your partner, without the distractions of , television or work. Go to your partner without judgment or shame, and talk to him or her about honesty, trust and secrecy. Share your concerns and see how he or she responds. Your partner's reactions to your concerns will say a lot.
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