A Perfect Profile
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Posted:Dec 18, 2012 9:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2013 7:52 am
43709 Views
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On the heels of my last post about having 'An Affair to Remember', I got to thinking about what part I might play in making that particular wish come true. How many times have we seen the words, 'In order to find the right person, you've got to BE the right person!' I think GoodLoyalDog used that phrase (perhaps he coined it?) and he's written many (very astute) posts directed at How to Be the Right Person...a veritable Instruction Manual, if you will.
But I think I'm pretty close to being the type of woman who will attract the type of man I want. Did that make sense? I feel like I'm writing script for Dr. Phil, lol. It took me almost 40 years to FINALLY reach a stage where I'm comfortable in my sexuality and confident in myself...why isn't there a box I can click for that?
Breast size:
A. Petite but Perky
B. A Modest Handful
C. Bring on the crane and backloader
Diameter and Depth of Cervix:
A. Keyhole
B. Mayonnaise Jar
C. Bring depth charges and flood lights
Level of Comfort with Your Body:
A. I've never seen my vagina
B. We've shook hands, but never spoken intimately
C. She's my BFF
Stage of Sexuality:
A. Only if it'll get him to love me
B. I can take it or leave it
C. 'Sexual Peak' is my middle name
Level of Sexual Confidence
A. Lights off, missionary style and keep your mouth where I can see it
B. I'll try anything once, twice if its your birthday
C. Bring it, or I will
Willingness to Please Your Partner:
A. Your penis, your problem
B. We're in this together, Baby!
C. Bring a sponge and your Advance Directives. Yes, I'm a Notary.
Willingness to Guide/Instruct Your Partner:
A. Gollum got more assistance finding the Precious
B. You show me yours, I'll show you mine
C. Orientation starts in ten minutes. Bring snacks.
My Last Post-Coital Experience Ended With:
A. PTSD, Hysterical Blindness and Temporary Retrograde Amnesia
B. Flowers and candy
C. A ticker tape parade and my name tattooed on his ass
Instead, they want us to tell men about our hair color and hobbies- as if they really give a shit about that?!
Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think part of what makes a sexual experience worthy of remembrance is the ability of BOTH parties to appreciate and enthusiastically participate in what's going on. So maybe the dudes whom I formerly disparaged for being 'willing to eat pussy all night long' and the ones who brag that 'I won't be disappointed', are actually telling me that they too are self-actualized lovers.
Granted, there are better ways to phrase it...but should I really be concerned with what's coming OUT of your mouth, lol?
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He said, ', can you play me a memory...'
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Posted:Dec 18, 2012 2:59 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2013 7:54 am
48135 Views
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...'I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger Man's clothes.'
Blah, blah, blah...nostalgic introduction.
I like old people. I'm hesitant to define what I consider to be 'old', at the risk of offending some of my Readers, but suffice it to say that I have a great appreciation for 'people of a certain age.'
Ever listen to them tell a story? Could be about the war, gas prices, whippersnappers....whatever. Invariably, the subject comes 'round to HIM, or HER (or THEM, I suppose). And you see it...the sharp intake of breath co-mingled with a quickening 'crunch' as they hasten to swallow the last of their hard candy. Their eyes soften a bit, their dentured smiles gets a bit bigger, the creak of the rocking chair hits a frantic pace and they suddenly seem to almost melt back into the memory of 'The One'.
Mind you, I'm not talking about 'The One That Got Away', or 'The One That Never Was'. It's 'The One Who Rocked My World So Hard, I'm Still Feeling It!'. It's the reason that retirement homes are equipped with defibrillators- trust me.
(I'm going to give you a minute to get the vision of 'Old People Sex' out of your heads.)
Better? Good. Because here's where I'm going with this...
I recently realized that I haven't yet had my 'Affair to Remember'. I've had good sex. I've had GREAT sex. But I haven't had the kind of sex and passion that makes the earth move and the angels sing and my toes curl (you get the idea).
Where did I come up with this shit?
Well, it seems I fulfill that memory slot for one fella from my past (that I know of, lol). And let me tell you- it's pretty freaking flattering to hear someone thank you for being the best they ever had. But I can't say the same thing about this particular fella...or any other fella, including Hubby. THAT GUY holds the crown for being the first (and so far, the only) man to share my uninhibited, self-actualized sexual-self (Shhh..don't tell him I said that). There's been a contender for 'The Best So Far'. And maybe even one guy who I'd say fits the 'Could Have Been The One' category, except I wasn't sexually mature enough to appreciate him at that time in my life.
But when I'm old and dried up and a vat of K-Y Jelly can't help me anymore, I don't have that one man....that one memory of a Perfect Love Affair to make me smile. And I don't want to die without ever having felt that kind of passion.
Tell me, Wise (and somewhat Old) Readers...Have you had it? Are you (hopefully) in the midst of it now? Or are you still waiting for it like I am?
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Chasing Cars
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Posted:Dec 5, 2012 12:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2013 7:57 am
52187 Views
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I've read a ton of posts about infidelity as of late...seems the holidays are making some of us question our morality (or lack thereof). Not sure what Christmas has to do with morality, outside of those few folks who believe in Santa and are trying to scrub the scarlet letter from their bosoms before the jolly fat man can see it. I have news for you: Relax! Santa is a dirty old man. I saw his profile on the home page when I logged on. He has a very shiny...nose. 
Moving on...Lunch with Sailfast64 today and as per usual, a post formed itself over the chicken wings, Guinness and 'ambiguous tasting cheesecake'. It started with a rhetorical question:
What if, just once, Lucy didn't yank the football away from Charlie Brown?
What if he got what he wanted? What he'd been yearning for all this time, which is To Make a Connection?
See, this all ties into my posts about testimonials and bubble bath on the floor- it's all about getting what you wished for. THAT GUY told me that he often felt like a who was chasing a car and once he caught it, he didn't know what to do with it (metaphorically, anyway). Let's run with that analogy, shall we?
This will make no sense to anyone, but I feel like saying it anyway:
I am a Cheating Man's Dream Girl.
Yes, I admit it. I'm oddly proud of it, in fact. Don't know why, since I don't play with married men (including my husband), lol. It's like when Michael Jordan starting playing baseball and he stunk at it. "But I'm good at basketball!", he cried. Yeah- no one cares when it's two outs at the bottom of the ninth. But the point is that I would be the perfect mistress for any married man looking to dunk his dick in a pool of prurient pleasure. And why?
Because I know what you need. You're a man. You need what every man needs. And I can give it to you.
Allow me to explain myself in the form of Gottaring's Guide to Being a Good GirlfriendTM.
When it came to THAT GUY, my 'job' was to make him feel like he was the sexiest, most intelligent, funniest, most delectable and delicious man to ever ring my bell. Why? Because it's what I sensed that he needed. Not because he's some mewling, insecure puppy- I don't have time for that kind of shit. He's a secure enough dude on his own. But I reinforced what he already knew, augmented what he was unsure of and reminded him of what he might have forgotten. And it was neither a chore nor a farce- he gave me plenty of good stuff to work with. And if I did my 'job' correctly, he would associate being with me as something that made him feel 35 again. An experience that made him feel like a MAN. And there is nothing sexier than a man who feels like a MAN. Am I right?
Anyway...HIS 'job' was to make me feel like a WOMAN. Like the sexiest fucking thing to ever slip on a pair of crotchless panties. In fact, lingerie would be superfluous because I would be sexy enough without it. In a nutshell, he was going to give me what I needed and lacked at home. And he did give me that...for a while.
But then it happened...I was distracted by his awkwardly sweet overtures and his shiny round head and all of a sudden, Lucy dun let her guard down. And in that moment, Charlie Brown kicked the football.
Game over.
What's my point in all of this? Thanks for asking! I'm not really sure anymore. It was a rather large pint of Guinness.
While I try to figure out where I was going with all this, allow me a bit of a rant, would you?
I HATE playing games, but all of this shit with THAT GUY has taught me a lesson: For the love of everything holy, good and pure, don't let the next guy kick the fucking football!! (Warning: Mixed Metaphor Alert)...The minute you slow down and let him catch up to your bumper, just picture him standing there shrugging and saying, "That was easy."
And before all the men in the room start bitching about cockteases and empty promises, let me suggest that you tuck your indignation where it will do you the most good: right between your asshole and your nutsack because it TAINT that far off base. You know as well as I do that MEN LOVE THE CHASE. I'm not saying 'He can't have me'. I AM saying that he will work to KEEP ME and I will work to be the woman who is WORTH KEEPING. The minute he takes me for granted, I'm gone- I have that shit at home already in a Super Sized version, I don't need it in (what is supposed to be) my FANTASY LIFE. Married folks: Check yourselves. Does any of this sound familiar?
Listen up! In MY world (otherwise known as Gourmet Chocolate Dildo Town), I'm the g-damn Mayor, Michael Jordan still plays basketball and that's NOT a pencil in your pocket. It's a fucking penis and YES YOU ARE HAPPY TO SEE ME. If I can't make you hard, and you can't make me blush, it's time to call it a day.
So having said that, will everyone please unclench their sphincters and tell me something...
If men like the chase so much, why do they complain when we run?
If they don't like the chase, why do they stop being who we need them to be once they've caught us?
And most importantly: Why did Sailfast let me drink in the middle of the afternoon?
Sigh.
Stoopid ambiguous cheesecake.
Postscript: While we're on the subject of chases and dogs...This message just showed up in my mailbox:
'hey would you care to meet for a meet/greet thursday evening dec 6th? if so, email me xxxxx at gmail with any questions/concerns...my number is xxx xxx xxxx, it will not be up until thursday morning. feel free to give me a call. hope to hear back. im meeting with another couple and paying for the hotel. did you want to join me and them? let me know asap thanks'
And they say chivalry is dead. 
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23
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Fake it Till You Make it?
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Posted:Dec 4, 2012 10:31 am
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2013 7:58 am
49503 Views
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Every now and then I receive an email from a brave and ambitious fellow who manages to pique my curiosity through a carefully-crafted message espousing my beauty, intelligence and wit. Translation: He said I was pretty, so naturally I had to read the rest of the message, lol.
thedudetk asked the following question in the hopes of sparking a conversation, but I figured I'd milk a post out of it just to break up the day. This excerpt was copied directly from the message I received and is being posted with his permission. I invite you to offer your two cents as well:
"...should women just submit themselves to sex in relationships rather than actually aquiring/ cultivating a natural hunger for it? although i hate the idea, It Does seem very considerate for a woman to " Just give it up " even though she doesn't want it,"
TK, you're going to need to back up a little.
A little more...
A few more steps...
Ok, you're out of firing range now.
I'm just trying to protect you, Young Fella. The majority of my Wise Readers are smart enough to understand that you are not suggesting that women succumb to unwanted advances in order to 'be considerate'. They know that, if you DID intend to say such a thing, you must have been smacked in the face with a bag of nickels at birth and therefore might not be held responsible for offering up such a notion. There are, however, a few ornery souls in the Holding Cell who might take your words at face value, in which case I'd advise that you duck and run. FAST.
What I think you meant to ask is whether or not a woman might 'take one for the team' even though she's not in the mood. Or perhaps sex is just not something she enjoys, but maybe she'll 'give in' because it makes her man happy. The term 'submit' might suggest that she would be doing so against her will, but again, I'm assuming that was just an error in semantics.
And since you presented me with this query in the hopes of eliciting my opinion on the matter, allow me to offer this:
I've had sex against my will, and I have had sex when I didn't feel like it. They are two completely different things- the most notable distinction is that one of them involved the commission of a felony. Yes, I am a sexual woman. I LOVE sex, but that doesn't mean I'm always in the mood for it. Yes, I have chosen to have sex even though I'd rather be reading, sleeping or cleaning hair out of the shower drain, but I did so because my partners happiness meant more to me in that particular moment. Or it might have been because I knew it was the only way he'd turn off the Barry White and stop poking me in the breast while whispering, 'Wanna?'. Either way, it was a conscious decision made on my part.
Now you'll ask me, 'Gee, Gottaring! Think your partner has ever given it up even though he wasn't in the mood?' To which I'll answer, 'Were you in St. Louis this weekend too?' If you don't get that reference, don't worry- there's only one person on this site who will, lol..
Look, Young Padawan, no one should have sex if they don't want to just because they think it might eventually make them love it. Ask my six year old how well that works when it comes to broccoli. Some people are born with a passion for passion, others acquire it after they finally find a compatible partner. Does this mean one should indulge in many, many partners until they find the right one?
Uh, no comment.
But most great lovers are cultivated through a combination of self-awareness, a sense of adventure and a SAFE ENVIRONMENT in which to experiment and indulge. If your woman doesn't seem to really enjoy sex, give her a vibrator, a porno and a padded room. Then back away slowly.
Meanwhile, find yourself an older broad who knows how it's done  . Line forms to the left...no skips.
Any more questions? Didn't think so. 
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