Riddle of the day...
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Posted:Apr 4, 2011 6:46 pm
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2011 4:55 am
5231 Views
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It is greater than God and more evil than the devil. The poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it you'll die. What is it?
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A Groom's Tale...
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Posted:Feb 4, 2011 4:12 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2011 2:35 pm
5809 Views
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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our . Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
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Top 10 Reasons it Sucks to be a Penis!
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Posted:Feb 4, 2011 4:06 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2016 7:00 am
5362 Views
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10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a penis:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
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Bitter Quarrel
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Posted:Feb 4, 2011 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2011 10:25 pm
5108 Views
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A husband and wife are having a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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Is It Over Yet?
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Posted:Dec 28, 2010 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2011 10:27 pm
5191 Views
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Can't wait to be rid of 2010...If 2011 doesn't start off better, I may never get out of bed again!
~Any thoughts?
***UPDATE*** Fell down the stairs and broke ankle in 3 places! Should have followed my own advice and stayed in bed!
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How Fights Start
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Posted:Nov 17, 2010 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Nov 17, 2010 3:18 pm
5574 Views
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,
looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took
my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was
not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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