Gas Prices and illegal immigrants
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 2:48 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2006 10:17 am
2656 Views
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My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the
Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and
illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go
home to spend it.
I love it when a plan comes together. 
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Update
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Posted:Aug 10, 2006 3:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2006 9:15 am
2428 Views
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My blog is temporarily closed due to time issues
I should return soon.
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1
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Joke of the Day
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Posted:Jul 24, 2006 3:52 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2006 2:31 pm
2480 Views
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<- be sure to click the pic hehe
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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Didn't see this coming
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Posted:Jul 16, 2006 8:03 am
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2006 11:33 am
2408 Views
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly in to the eyes of this nosy neighbor, and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
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Viagra Ingredients
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Posted:Jul 14, 2006 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2008 2:30 pm
2394 Views
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I knew it! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!
Very important!!!!! Take Note All!
3% Vitamin E
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
89% Fix-A-Flat
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1
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Blog Game
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Posted:Jul 4, 2006 11:01 am
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2006 3:31 pm
2759 Views
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Yep nother blog game don't blame me I'm Innocent.
Fill it out if you like and if you post it I'll do the same.
1.Your First Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Kinky or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Do we know each other outside of HotMatch.com?
2. Whats your philosophy on life??
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Have we ever been drunk together?
7. Do you wanna get drunk together?
8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
10. Can we get together and make a cake?
11. have you heard any rumors of me lately ?
12. Do you wanna see me naked?
13. Do you think I'm a good person?
14. Would you drive across country with me?
15. Do you think I'm attractive?
16. Have I seen you naked?
17. If you could change anything about me, would you? what would it be?
18. What do you wear to sleep?
19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
20. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
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Thought of the Day
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Posted:Jul 3, 2006 8:29 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2006 11:21 am
2700 Views
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Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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1
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I'm a Bad American
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Posted:Jul 3, 2006 8:24 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2006 11:17 am
2611 Views
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> > YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
> > by: George Carlin
> >
> > I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
> >
> > I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
> >
> > I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and
does not entitle you to anything.
> >
> > I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
> >
> > I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and
where they want to.
> >
> > My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled
Jerry Springer.
> >
> > I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
> >
> > I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing
about it.
> >
> > I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years
in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any
witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut
up already.
> >
> > I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where
you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA.
> >
> > I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse
Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part
of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
> >
> > I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're
running from them..
> >
> > I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking
the law, regardless of what color you are.
> >
> > And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I
think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want
you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the
world for the next four years.
> >
> > I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me
stuff or trying to guilt me into making donations to their cause.
These people should be targets.
> >
> >
> > I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a , it takes
two parents.
> >
> > And what is going on with gas prices... again?
> >
> > I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the politicians think.
> >
> > I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!
> >
> > If this makes me a BAD American, then yes,
I'm a BAD American.
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Daytona
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Posted:Jun 29, 2006 9:56 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2006 4:55 pm
1959 Views
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I'm off to Daytona so no new posts till Monday y'all have a great weekend. 
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Dilemmas
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Posted:Jun 28, 2006 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2006 3:22 pm
2418 Views
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Strawberry Blond sent me this so I can't take credit for it this is from her warped brain LOL
1.What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the
Ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a ?
A sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
6. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
7. What do you call a with a runny nose?
Full.
8. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
9. Why are women & Kentucky F ried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is
the greasy box to put your bone in.
10. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your
house.
11. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
12. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
13. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
14. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
15. When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
16. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
17. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's stil l in the envelope.
18. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat
a blow job.
19. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
20. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
21. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
22. Why was alcohol invented?
So ugly people can get laid.
23. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
24. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a ?
Your last blow job.
25. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
26. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
No ne, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with 'Darkness'.
27. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
28. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
29. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
30. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
31. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
32. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
33. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
34. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
35. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
36. Who is the most po pular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
37. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
38. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
39. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
40. Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
41. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
42. Did you hear about the new shade of paint called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
43. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
44. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
45. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
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1
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Family
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Posted:Jun 27, 2006 6:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2006 8:46 pm
1926 Views
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> F A M I L Y
>
>
> I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
> "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
>
>
> He said, "Please excuse me too;
> I wasn't watching for you."
>
>
> We were very polite, this stranger and I.
> We went on our way and we said goodbye.
>
>
> But at home a different story is told,
> How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
>
>
> Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
> My stood beside me very still.
>
>
> When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
> "Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
>
>
> He walked away, his little heart broken.
> I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
>
>
> While I lay awake in bed,
> God's still small voice came to me and said,
>
>
> "While dealing with a stranger,
> common courtesy you use,
> but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
>
>
> Go and look on the kitchen floor,
> You'll find some flowers there by the door.
>
>
> Those are the flowers he brought for you.
> He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
>
>
> He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
> you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
>
>
> By this time, I felt very small,
> And now my tears began to fall.
>
>
> I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
> "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
>
>
> "Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
> He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
>
>
> I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
> I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
>
>
> I said, ", I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
> I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
> He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
> I love you anyway."
>
>
> I said, ", I love you too,
> and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
>
>
> FAMILY
> Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
> that we are working for could easily replace us in
> a matter of days.
> But the family we left behind will feel the loss
> for the rest of their lives.
>
>
> And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
> into work than into our own family,
> an unwise investment indeed,
> don't you think?
> So what is behind the story?
>
>
> Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
> FAMILY = ( F )ATHER( A )ND( M )OTHER( I )( L )OVE ( Y )OU
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Tech Support
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Posted:Jun 26, 2006 3:17 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2006 3:44 pm
1862 Views
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute...I hadn't inserted it yet...
..... it's still on my desk....sorry!!!
============= Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
============= Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
============= Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============= Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you!
============= Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
============= Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a"
as in apple,
capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is the 7 in capital letters?
============= Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
==============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have found the letter 'a', but how do I get the
circle around it?
============= A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
============= And finally...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Name that Tune
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Posted:Jun 24, 2006 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2006 9:14 am
1853 Views
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Name the song and artist of the words below
There's another world inside of me that you may never see.
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find.
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin.
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone.
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me.
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be,
Ill never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone.
(Maybe I'm just blind)
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me,
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there.
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone
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To link to this blog (rm_Twister2bed) use [blog rm_Twister2bed] in your messages.
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