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when the hours grow dark
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Posted:Apr 20, 2010 12:39 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2010 7:22 pm
1370 Views
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There is a feeling of being alone at times where as i dould watch the same movies over and over again where as seem to meet some intresting people in cyberspace at times ... once in a while i run across an old friend here and there where as do miss my old friends that come in once in a while .. someone asked at to what happened to bulls n cows room where when i went in there rarely anyone showed up where as know i have friends in there as some of them took a break from cyberspace for a while ... that seems to be life in general where as i still have good memories where at times i need to stop and think on things as well while handling things that go on in my own world ... there is a woman back in my life these days even if i go to bed alone when resting where as i dated her about five years ago as she came back to me in Febuary where as am spending what time i can with her .. there is a friend that still comes down here to use my computer while helping her where I still can even if it is advise .. one might say i cross four lands of cyberspace as i leave a vortex to one or two worlds jumping through them while trying to keep up with the chatter .. what is it that i'm seeking is a good question that is asked by others at times where for now it is friends as i have given up looking for lovers where as the search for now has found a lover lately .. yes i do joke around at times where as am also on the receiving end of my own jokes where do not drop anvils on others or that kind of stuff ... rarely does anyone see the man behind the mask as i have been keeping1972 for so many years in cyberspace where as there is a beating heart in that block of ice which is warmed by a woman's touch when letting down my gaurd enough ...
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over 15 years of stories and works
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Posted:Jun 12, 2009 3:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2010 1:07 am
1362 Views
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The current project I am working on is a book of poetry where i have the minimum poems submitted which is 49 as I am going for the goal of 120 pages of poems ... My deadline for this this project is August 1 st , 2009 which is a goal of 10 poems a week providing that there is more ideas coming to me in my mind ... On my fridge is the award letter for best poems and poets of 2007 on a poem of " Where Do We Take It From Here " and the Editors Choice Award for the poem titled " View of the City Lights " of which was released in 2006 where as five poems were published in 2008 not reaching high enough in the ranks for awards ... One of the awards was lost in a move i made here to where i live now as it was the Editors Choice Award 2004 of which in 2004 and 2007 the poems were published in best "poems and poets" of those years ... There were two times when the poetry contracts came across my desk where as there wasn't enough poems in my files to honer those contract as it is with hope that into the month of September that honer will come across my desk one more time with 120 pages of poems ready .. most of my work is under copyright so it is protected by law where as there is a few projects that are currently poems til they can be put into longer story forms as they show the bounds of the stories and the main stars of those stories ... The problem with theft of work is a problem where unless someone can prove copyright it will always be a problem as the theme song for Ghost Busters under legal action was shown that not even Hollywood was excused when it came to the powers of the copyright laws .. There was a project that i was working on that i called Thunder Company Inc . where someone beat me to the punch as they copyrighted while it was in the first chapters of which was suppose to be a mystery that was a spin off to another project which is back in the warehouse til i can rework them into a better form of reading ... There is a former business partner that seen a movie that was his work as he is seeking legal action on of which i do not think he will get far enough on even since the most of the names in there are people in his life of which he used for his book and scripts that took months of labor ... At this point in time my computer is not working with my printer even though there are binders under my desk with projects that I would like to take the time to work on when the ideas get better to make for more intresting reading ... When it comes to writer's block as much of a curse it is to writers my chapters suffer on the endings as they build for the following chapter where I spend a week or two trying to think of and ending for that chapter in question ... There were times when I would sit at my computer til that first light of dawn trying to make the chapters pass standards where as it annoys me thinking that it could of been done better where as I still sit up at my computer with that same annoyed thought with my current projects ... What started out as something to pass the hours while I was awake or not able to do much of anything has become a form of insanity without a cure other then to sit at my computer working on projects or at a table with a pack of pens and a writing tablet daring myself to try the next level of thought .. With the computer and online connections there are two sites that I type in entries of editorials where as one is here in HotMatch.com and the other is in 360 of which has a local reader base that I try to please once a month .. At one time when the thought noone cared about the stories that were being submitted as I didn't write for a long period of time a phone call came from my father as people were asking him what happened to me wanting to read what was on that site ... most people don't normally see me where this news led to a quiet tear along with a long period of thought til it was figured by my heart that a editorial of thanks was typed to these people for taking the time to read what was written ...
As some of you know my stories started taking form through the mail as I sent them to a friend in Red Wing , Mn . as she would read them to her friends that sat by the mail box waiting for the next story to arrive .. that was back in about 1993 when I decided to quit writing smut and master my craft where there was a four part series that is now known as Thomson County of which I'll post here sometime when I rattle the bugs out of it of which is one that would make a good story for the bookshelf in a store ... At the time I was having so many nightmares that I figured that mabe by putting them into words formed another series that was called the Line Crossers Series of which may of giving Steven King a run for his money on some of them stories ... One might say I had three jobs of which was my normal jobs , my company jobs , and my writing jobs of which let little time to rest that did not matter since i was awake most of the time anyways ... there was one project that I was working on and a former business partner that would not get off my back to the point that I quit writing for about a few years where there were times I was annoyed on that project that my pen bounced across the room .. Then after a year up in my home county I started writing again as that year was about 2000 when in reality the fall that was taken at a factory of which I landed wrong put me on a perminate injury list for a while ... the year was about 2001 as a question from a boss of which asked being that due to my abuse as a if I would follow the chain and continue that chain of abuse .. In turn it brought forth a question in my mind that got me thinking for a while if not weeks so i wrote a story on the topic called The Protectors of which brought forth a series of stories ... A cousin was intrested in my work where I wanted to end that series of stories only to find she was a hard one to say no to so it was brought back to her in Eyes of an Angel of which held five tablets where as an officer of the law had the other ones .... What annoyed me was that the stories were to short so I came up with an idea to put them all under one title called Memories of an Angel of which is near the end of the fifth chapter of adding new ideas ... Aside from writer's block when i get near the end of the chapters and a printer that wont work or a computer that fails ...
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" Writer's Block 101 "
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Posted:Apr 21, 2009 2:42 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:25 pm
1467 Views
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When it comes to writer's block it can lead to a world of madness til the ideas start to flow again and form into words of a story that makes sence ... Once in a while I will have an idea for a set of story lines for a project or ideas for a poem to submit to the company i write for ... Yet most of the time I'm trying to come up with them ideas or trying to figure out how to put them into words .. With that in mind since I am having writer's block so often I figured that writing on the subject might be a good idea for a change .. For stories when it comes to a paper and a pen that started going through the mail to a friend it passed the time when I wound up with some time on my hands as a hobby where she read them stories to a group of her friend that wondered what happened next ... With my pen running hot a series of stories seemed to form about an area that I called Thompson County of which newer stories were sent to this woman as she went to colledge ... All good stories must come to an end some way or another where I brought back an evil biker in spirit form for one last battle ... Out of all the stories that i have writen over the years I figure that set of stories were my better ones for a book when I'll figure out how to write it better and add some freash ideas for some chapters .. The worse editor at times is the one who is the writer where as the work is not either good enough on his higher standerds or the the writer says that is good enough as they settle for work that is the lowest of the low on everyones standerd ... With me as my own editor I'm always trying to improve my work as I feel the work that I submit is not ready to be viewed by the public even though the work is loved at times ... There are a lot of things that are written that do well as I try to master my craft when I work on my next idea ... For example there is one project that I have been working on for the past five or six years that I am reworking as it was felt it is not ready for the public to read it yet as it may be publish five years later when it is felt it is ready ... Then there are the writing tables that are thrown across the room into the trash can where they seemed like bad ideas or writen in a way that is so under the limits of what I could write that I am far from amused with myself ..
There was a time when I was sitting in a truck stop with my project that a teacher that never met me looked over my shoulder asking if he could see it when I was finished ... After he read the contents of the pages on the subect of what was refered to go after those that thought they were the Lord's favorits , he claimed that the material was of a forth year student at a major colledge where as he would of given me a b on the books for that project ... The one problem with me is that I do have that high of a reading skill as it take me longer to understand what I am reading as the pages are looked over nine or ten times .. When it comes to a timed exam there is no time to read something over time and time again as that is what gave myself a low score during that CAT exams or a low grade on my final exams ... Either my mind adds words that are not there or subtracts words that are there which makes me look like a stupid person of which put me into another classroom where I was teased on that even though I am not retarded ... In 2004 the editors choice ward was issued to me as the honer was once again recieved in 2007 along with a poetry contract that came with the deal in the following year of which it is with hope that I will have enough poems gathered to complete that project ... Other then that the poems have been published since March of 2004 as there are offers from companies with offices in New York , London , and Paris that are intrested in my work ... There a problem with how slow I remember things or might forget some peice of imformation that is important til later on ... Where the main problem comes with the stories that I write where writer's block comes in is when I am ending a chapter and want to begin working on the next chapter of a story where my thoughts run heavy to make then the best they can be ... Sometimes writer's block can be worse then cancer in the way it feels as there is no cure when one writes so much and makes it his or her mark on life ..
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these past nights in dreams and nightmares
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Posted:Apr 10, 2009 2:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2010 6:33 pm
1376 Views
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Mabe i finally found what I am looking looking for where as I have been chatting with her when she has the time where as I enjoy chatting with friends as well ... What happened to me out on the range still haunts me where I have my friend yelling in one ear for me to fight my way back to her and my stepfather laughing as he tried to murder me ... Yet when it comes to the heart of the matter I do ask myself why I am still alive where as I stare at the wall at times seeing nothing but darkness and hearing the voices of my past of which will be with me for the rest of my days ... the other day I tried to walk to the store making it to the end of the block only for my hip to pop and my right leg almost dragging while limping back home as I cussed out in anger ... if he was still alive I'd kill him again is a matter of words that came out of my mouth as I remember how I got that limp that i walk with and also remember my sister of which is dead to me as she took part in them plots to murder me ... At the time I am so mad that I want to strangle my sister and throw her down that hole in the ground leaving her there to face what is in my nightmares where as she is still vowing revenge on me since she was released from the treatment center where as she spent her time on the phone looking for someone else to deal with me ... What angers me even more is the fact that I have limited movement of my body and can not control my mood swings as it slams back and forth til I want to die as I feel that shame from with in my spirit .. There are a lot of things that are said about me at times by people that were not even there and by those that believe a friend of mine had no right to help me when everything went sour as I was caught in a little war that I was never ment to win ... One might say that I fought my little Viet-Nam by fighting back against a man that was insane where as it will be with me as long as I live .. The teacher to get full information put me on trial with my friend speaking for me and another one speaking against me during that trial where i was brought up on war crimes ... In the end I was cleared of the charges accept for the charge if calling the teacher a bitch where as someone told my friend that I was dead and could not let that friend feel the pain of that ... When the county to the south of me dropped the charges against my stepfather setting him free the man started to stalk me and taunt me in every way he could think of where as in 1999 he called me on the phone at night to get me thinking of what might happen to those that helped me when I was growing up .. There are times when I feel like that waiting to die along with the anger that come along with it where I will wake up in the night screaming as the nightmares get out of control as ever blow is felt .. In 1991 under the watchful eyes of the Navy as they ran their tests it must of been the early hours of the morning when I was checked over not knowing my name or what year it was calling myself by my other name given to me by this county and only seeing the darkness of my world where as it was ruled as post traumatic shock with the ruling that i was leaving .... In there I received the rank of fireman and assigned to an aircraft ship in the gulf where a yellow ribbon was awarded ... these days I don't speak of them days much where my last post was a guard where someone had to take that post and it was myself ... Yet in turn I received no treatment that mattered til I was taken to the treatment center spending holidays there in 1999 where the doctor looked over the report and said that it was not truthful even though the statements were made by people that were there ...
In the end as of about 2008 the old file was reopened by a teacher and a county officer telling one of the most bone chilling tales of terror where names and locations of people who made statements were listed as that information was turned over to my stepfather and his friends ... When it came to my anger a few people in the county up here finally could see the reason for that anger where a few close friends did their own investigation seeing how far these plans of revenge went ... This past year of 2009 the county made me a promise that things would go no further then they already had and as long as I held my temper no more trips to the treatment center would be made by myself ... As long as I live I will have a home in this county where as I will not loose my home as my sister of which is dead to me will be delt with in the coming years as people are starting to see that she is evil ... There are a few things that need to be worked on in the coming years where some of my stepfathers friends are still watching for their chance to murder me while it has been shown that my stepfather and my sister had a twisted love affair behind my mothers back ... Over the year as they watch from the shadows there are still those that watch over me as they did when I was a and a few close friends that check on me when they can ...
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" 1930'S ARE HERE AGAIN "
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Posted:Feb 22, 2009 9:16 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:25 pm
1341 Views
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AS I LOOK BACK OVER MY YEARS REMEMBERING A HISTORY LESSON THAT WAS TAUGHT TO ME IN CLASS THE GREAT DEPRESSION HAS COME TO THESE LANDS I CALL HOME ... THOSE THAT DO NOT REMEMBER HISTORY ARE BOUND TO REPEAT IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN IS WHAT HAS BEEN SAID WHERE AS THAT IS TRUE WITH PROOF THAT THE GREAT DEPRESSION HAS RETURNED WITH NO TRUE END IN SIGHT ... THE ONLY ITEM THAT BROUGHT AMERICA OUT OF THE DEPRESSION WAS WORLD WAR II WITH A MINOR DEPRESSION IN THEE 1970'S AND 1980'S OF WHICH AS HARD AS HE TRIES THE PRESIDENT IS NOT GOING TO BRING US OUT OF THE DEPRESSION WITH METHODS THAT DID NOT WORK IN THE PAST WHERE AS HE HAS TRIED THREE TIMES ON A PLAN THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK ... TO PUT IT INTO TERMS A SQUARE PEG IS NOT GOING TO FIT INTO A ROUND HOLE WHERE IT WOULD BE SIMPLER TO FIND A ROUND PEG THEN TO ROUND OFF A SQUARE ONE TIL IT FITS ... YET THEN THERE IS A MESS TO CLEAN UP WITH THE SHAVINGS OF WHICH ARE GOING TO MAKE SOME AMERICANS ANGRY WHEN THEY ARE WHAT IS TRIMMED ... THE PROBLEM WITH REAGON'S PLAN WAS THAT THOSE THAT WERE GIVEN THE TAX BREAKS AND FUNDS SAT ON THE GIFTS ONLY GETTING RICHER WHILE THOSE IN THE LOWER SOCIAL CLASSES ASKED WHAT WAS LEFT FOR THEM LIKE A HUNGRY PET WITH AN EMPTY DISH ... IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME ABOUT PAYING TAXES AT TIME WHERE AS IT DOES BOTHER ME HOW THEM TAX DOLORS ARE USED WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE HERE AT THE TAX TABLE WATCHING THE UPPER CLASSES EAT A FULL MEAL KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT PASS THE SERVING PLATE DOWN AS THEY PUT MORE INTO BAGS THEN THEY ARE EATING WHILE THE PLATE OF THE LOWER CLASS WAITS TO BE SERVED ON THEIR EMPTY PLATES ... THE GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA HAS DEEMED THAT ANYONE UNDER THE FIGURES OF 150,000 IS NOT A TRUE AMERICAN AS HE IS CUTTING THE PROGRAMS THAT ARE NEEDED BY THE LOWER CLASSES EVEN IF THEY HAVE FAMILIES WHERE AS LAYOFFS ARE CONTINUING TO CUT INCOME FROM MANY HOUSEHOLDS ... IN TURN I ALWAYS FELT ANGER IN MY HEART WHEN IT CAME TO THE LEADERSHIP OF MINNESOTA WHERE AS I EAT ONE MEAL A DAY TO BEGIN WITH WHERE I KNOW SOME THAT EAT ONCE EVERY TWO OR THREE DAYS ... CURRENTLY THEY ARE WORKING ON MY BACK AND LEGS WHILE LOOKING AT SHOULDERS GETTING ME READY AS THEY LOOK AT A MARKET THAT MANY OTHERS ARE LOOKING AT SINCE THEY ARE UNEMPLOYED IN THE AREA ... TIL THIS PAST YEAR I WAS ABLE TO WORK FOR MYSELF DOING ODD JOBS LIKE SEVEN OTHER HOUSEHOLD I KNOWW OF THAT DONE WHAT I DID ... IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS THE PHONE RARELY RANG FROM PEOPLE SAYING WHAT THEY NEEDED DONE WHERE AS THE EQUIPMENT FELL APART FROM LACK OF REVENUE TO BE KEPT IN SHAPE AND REPAIRED WHERE IS NOW SITTING ON CEMENT BLOCKS ... MABE NEXT FALL I CAN BEGIN AGAIN AS I LOOK FOR WHAT I CAN STILL HANDLE IN A MARKET THAT WAS OVER CROWDED FOR THIS AREA ... WITH A COMPUTER THAT KEEPS MY OFFICE GOING THERE IS STILL HOPE WHERE AS MABE REPLACING THE TRUCK CAN BE DONE OF WHICH THE WHEEL FELL OF THE OTHER ONE A DAY BEFORE IT WENT INTO THEE SHOP ... THE TRUE QUESTION THAT I FACE IS ON WHEN THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BETTER ASSUMING THAT IT IS NOT TO LATE FOR ME ... THE ONE THING I KNOW I NEED TO DO IS TO PUT IN ABOUT TWENTY HOURS A DAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER MEANING THAT I WILL BE WORE OUT AT TIMES .. DAYS BECOME NIGHTS TAKING ON ANY TASK NO MATTER HOW SMALL WHEN ONE IS IN THE LOWER SOCIAL CLASSES WHERE THAT IS LIFE FOR ME AT TIMES KNOWING THAT I MUST NO FAIL .. THE OTHER QUESTION IS WHAT TO DO IN THE MEAN TIME TIL MY BODY IS READY FOR WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WHERE AS I HAVE STATED THAT I WOULD LOVE TO SEE SOME OF THE LEADERSHIP LIVE ON THE BUDGETS THAT SOME OF US LIVE ON WITH MAC-N-CHEESE THE FIFTH TIME AROUND WITHOUT WASTING IT ... IN A WAY I AM BLESSED TO HAVE THE FRIENDS I DO IN THE LOCAL AREA WHICH CALL IN TO CHECK ON ME AS OFTEN AS THEY DO WHERE AS I HAVE HELPED THEM IN THE PAST YEARS AND MOST OF THEM DO REMEMBER THOSE YEARS ... WHEN I WAS GROWING UP MY MOTHER TOLD ME TO HELP OTHERS WITHOUT BEING THEIR DOORMAT WHERE AS THAT IS A GOOD STATEMENT WHERE AS THEIR ARE THOSE THAT I REFUSE TO HELP AT TIMES SO THAT THEY CAN BE LAZY ... AS FOR THE AREA OF LIFE OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE FAMILY BUSINESS I'LL NEED TO WORK ON THE FOUNDATION THAT HAS SURVIVED 5,000 DOLOR KNOCKS ON THE HEAD IN YEARS I'D LOVE TO FORGET EVEN AS I REMEMBER THE TIMES THAT I WAS LUCKY TO SLEEP IN A CAR OR TRUCK FOR SHELTER ... THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I LOOK AT THE APARTMENT HERE THINKING BACK TO THE DAYS I RETURNED TO A COUNTY THAT I REFER TO AS HOME WITH A BEAT UP CAR AND THE DUSTER ON MY BACK ... IN A WAY IT SHOWS ME HOW FAR I HAVE COME IN THE PAST TEN YEARS ALONE EVEN IF I DO SHUTTER THEE THOUGHT OF WHAT SHOULD OF BECOME OF ME AT TIMES ... OVER MY YEARS I HAVE NEVER FILED FOR A PROGRAM THAT I DID NOT NEED OF WHICH WAS LAST ON A LIST OF OPTIONS OR ASKED FOR OTHERS TO HELP ME UNLESS I TRUELY NEEDED THAT HELP AND COULD REPAY THEM LATER ON DOWN THE ROAD WHEN THEY NEEDED THAT HELP ... IT IS UNKNOWN AS TO HOW I WILL DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WHERE AS I FIGURE I WOKE UP AT TIMES TO FIND THAT I AM NOT AS YOUNG AS I USE TO BE AND AM IN NEED OF SO SERIOUS REPAID AS I WAS FINALLY RULED MASSIVE DETERIORATION OF THE BODY WHICH MEANS THAT I AM LUCKY THAT I DO NOT NEED A WHEELCHAIR YET ..
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" DEEPER INTO THOUGHT I GO "
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Posted:Feb 3, 2009 11:12 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:25 pm
1348 Views
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IN A SET OF VERSES ON A POEM THAT I WROTE " OVER THE FIRES OF HELL I WILL FLY ON AN ANGELS WINGS ; TAKE ME TO THE SKIES WHERE THE AN ANGEL SINGS " WHERE AS IT WAS SOMETHING I WROTE IN 2004 THAT STILL HOLDS TRUE TONIGHT AS I GO DEEPER INTO THOUGHT AT TIMES ... IN TURN I HAVE SEEN THE EVIL AS IT ALMOST COST ME MY FREEDOME AT TIMES EVEN THOUGH I WAS ALMOST SOLD AS A SLAVE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AFTER MY MOTHER FINALLY GOT ENOUGH NERVE TO DIVORCE HER SECOND HUSBAND ONLY TO FIND MEN THAT CONTINUED THAT ABUSE FOR A PERIOD OF YEARS WHERE AS GOING TO A TEACHER AS WE WERE TAUGHT AT TIMES AS THE LAWS WERE COMING INTO EFFECT AROUND 1981 HELD NO TRUE END TO A WAR THAT WAS HAPPENING AND YES I DO SAY IT WAS A WAR ... THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I SIT IN MY CHAIR SEEING NOTHING IN FRONT OF ME AS THEY FINALLY RULED IT AS POST TRAMATIC SHOCK BACK IN 1991 WHERE AS IT WAS NEVER TREATED TIL 1999 WHEN I RETURNED TO MY HOME COUNTY WHERE AS THE EVENTS ARE IN MY NIGHTMARES AND IN FLASHBACKS ... MY FILE IS BEING REVIEWED AS I AM ANSWERING QUESTIONS OF WHICH THE DOCTOR WANTS TO KNOW HOW BAD THAT ABUSE WAS WHERE AS THE ANSWER IS THAT THE ABUSE ALMOST COST ME MY LIFE WHERE AS FURTHER A CLASSMATE THAT BECAME A CLOSER FRIEND FOUND ME AND TRIED TO STOP WHAT WAS HAPPENING SO THAT I DIDN'T SUFFER LIKE THAT AGAIN ... AT TIMES I WAS BLAMED FOR THE FACT THAT MY MOTHER COULD NOT KEEP A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE AS SHE HAD A UNABLE TO CONTROL HER TEMPER AS SHE TOOK HER ANGER OUT ON ME WHILE MY SISTER ONLY RECEIVED A FEW SWATS TO THE SEAT ... WHEN IT CAME TO THINGS I HAD HIDDEN AWAY FOR THE REAL REASON OF MY SISTER'S PLANS FOR REVENGE AS SICKENING AS THEY ARE MY SISTER CHOSE TO HOLD A LOVE AFFAIR BEHIND MY MOTHER'S BACK AS SHE STARTED TO GET ANGRY WHEN OUR STEPFATHER WAS REMOVED FROM THE HOME AND GOT INSANE WHEN SHE HEARD OF HIS DEATH AS SHE WAS REMINDED OF THE FACT THAT HER BOYTOY WAS DEAD ... YET WHEN IT CAME TO THIS DEMONIC BEHAVIOR SOME ARE JUST BORN EVIL AS THE FAMILY SHOULD OF BEEN DEALT WITH BY 1981 WHERE AS FURTHER EVIDENCE OF HER BEHAVIOR SHOWED HER AS A DEMONIC AS HER VIEW TURNED TO IT WORKED FOR HER WHEN SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OF AGE SO THE COUNTY CAME INTO THE HOME IN 1985 WHERE SHE GOT SPOILED ROTTON TO THE POINT SHE BELIEVES SHE IS A QUEEN AS OUR STEPFATHER GRANTED HER THAT BACK IN ABOUT 1979 ... TO THIS NIGHT I HAVE LIMITED USE OF THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY BODY MEANING WHEN I LIFTED SOMETHING THE LEFT SIDE DONE MOST OF THE WORK TIL THE JOINTS FINALLY WERE RIPPED UP AS THE JOINT NO LONGER TOOK THE PRESSURE AS THEY POPPED OUT OF JOINT ... FOR AN EXAMPLE WHEN I TYPE THE TWO FINGERS TO THE INSIDE OF MY RIGHT HAND HANDLE THE TASK OF THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE KEYBOARD WHERE AS TRY THAT WHILE KEEPING UP THE SPEED OF 25 WPM ... THERE IN TURN ARE A LOT OF PARTS ABOUT ME WHERE AT TIMES I FIND IT HARD TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE SO ONE MIGHT SAY I BUILD A WALL WITH AN IRON GATE KEEPING ONE OF THE KEYS AROUND MY NECK AS I WONDER AROUND THE GROUNDS LOOKING AT THE ITEMS I HAVE GOTTEN OVER THE YEARS WHERE AS I SHED A TEAR AT TIMES KNOWING THAT I MUST WONDER THE GROUNDS ALONE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I'LL NEVER BE AS MUCH OF A MAN THAT I WAS BACK IN WHAT I REFER TO AS THOSE DAYS OF THUNDER WHICH HAS ITS PROS AND CONS TO KNOWING WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ... THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT IN THE WORLD LIKE MY SISTER OF WHOM ACT SO SWEET AND NOT WANTING OTHERS TO SEE THAT THEY ARE THE TRUE PROBLEM OF WHICH I HAVE HEARD THE LINE " HE HIT ME FOR NO REASON " ONLY FOR THEM TO HAVE A TRAIL OF EVIDENCE LEADING TO THEM NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY TO COVER THAT TRAIL .. YET IN THE END NOTHING IS DONE THEM SO THEY CONSTRUCT THE NEXT PLAN TO THAT MAKES MY LIFE A LIVING HELL FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT OF WHICH ANGERS ME KNOWING THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH I CAN DO WITH THEM ... IN THE REAL WORLD I HAVE ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE HOUSEHOLDS THAT I WATCH OVER WHERE AS ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS PICK UP THE PHONE TO DIAL MY NUMBER WHERE AS THE ANSWER IS LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN STILL DO WHERE AS AT TIMES SOMETHING IS BETTER THEN NOTHING DONE AT ALL EVEN IF IT IS A RIDE TO THE STORE ... THERE IS NORMALLY SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT OF WHICH I SLEEP WHEN I CAN WHERE AS I LOOK AT WHAT OTHERS NEED BEFORE I TEND TO MYSELF ONLY TO FIND THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF AT TIMES HELPING OTHERS ... YET IN THESE PAST MONTHS SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT I HAVE HELPED REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I HELPED THEM AS THEY LOOK FOR WAYS TO HELP ME IN RETURN ... MY STEPFATHER HAS BEEN DEAD THESE PAST YEARS WHICH IS ONE LOAD OFF MY MIND AS I LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER FOR HIS FRIENDS LOOKING TO STAB ME IN THE BACK AGAIN AS MY SISTER EVEN AFTER SHE WAS RULED AS A DANGER TO SOCIETY IS STILL OUT THERE WITH HER NEXT EVIL PLANS FOR REVENGE SO I AM WATCHING CLOSELY AS I HAVE TOLD MY MOTHER TO WATCH THE THINGS THAT GO ON BEHIND HER BACK AS I LOOK FOR THAT LIST OF NAMES THAT SET MY SISTER FREE AND BACK INTO THAT KINGDOME THAT SHE RULES WITH AN IRON FIST WHERE AS HER PLAN TO DEAL WITH ME LAST TIME WAS TO GET ME LOCKED UP SO THAT I'D LOOSE MY HOME ONLY FOR HER TO BE LOCKED UP AND ALMOST PLACED IN FOSTER CARE WHERE AS THE DAY WILL COME WHEN HER AND MYSELF WILL HAVE OUR FINAL BATTLE ....
PEACE TO THOSE THAT ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS
KEEPING21972
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what is it with some people at times
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Posted:Dec 23, 2008 12:51 am
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2009 8:28 pm
1415 Views
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The more i deal with people at times these past years the more i stay in my office til i truely need to deal with them where as it do bring a question to mind ... When it comes to women I lost three of them to jerks that don't take care of the women that they take away from me as I lost one to the memory of a man that was a jerk that she is still in love with where as the last one was my fault in a way as I wish her the best in life ... When it comes down to the heart of the matter I have given up looking for that woman to spend my life with and am just going to make what friends I can where as I have met some good people here ... In remembering a line from John Wayne there is a statement of " I won't be pushed and I won't be bullied .. I do not do these things to others and expect the same in return " which is something that comes to my mind at times as I find the jerks even in cyberspace .. Someone jabbed me in the leg with a needle just to feel better only then threw the needle in the haystack wanting for me to go fetch it just to get me mad where as is now still rubbing it in when it came to that statement of " leave me alone " ... There are times when I come into a room doing the dance of the sugar fairies or some other joke that isn't hurting any member as that is done for fun and a light comedy for those that come in later to read , but in turn no member is hurt or disrespected on purpose where as I do hurt that member by accident I am the first to say I am sorry for it ... There is a reason i refer to the hills in the range as i have as when I am out there I am usually alone where as that is filled with my memories including those that I am not proud of only to hear from others after the facts coming in and stating what I should of done only to be asked " where were you when I needed you " where as a select few did help ... In turn I done what I did in the past during a time when there was no help only to feel the pain that came from the world I lived in where I never expected help and didn't ask for it in return ... With the way I see things at times these past years have been a living hell to the point that I cry to the Lord to take and get things over with as I have been torchered enough to the point I no longer care what truely happens to me at times .. There are times when I have been pushed to the edges of suicide where as in 1989 I had the point of my knife at my heart trying to thrust it is as an unseen force griped my wrist til the knife dropped ... It was about that time mabe a few years later that a teacher decided to look into the matter as she sort of took a trip into them hills to see for herself what happened where as my mother was told to feel lucky she wasn't facing criminal charges as well of which she told a county worker that the can of worms that they opened was worse then they thought after she spoke to a close friend that came forward ... There is that feeling of asking why I was worth saving even now as I look on my forearms at the scars that time covered as my soal is scared even worse with the knowledge of what could of happened to my close friend ... In turn my worst nightmare became a reality when I received a call from a classmate that my close friend barely excaped as she was shot at only to find that I couldn't get my car started to get up there to help her ... How far have I truely come is a question that keeps coming to my mind as my eyes look around as the low growl of a bear rumbles through my soal as I tell myself " temper temper Donold Duck " with the feel that it is better if I suck it in tight not to explode ... In about 1999 I was taken to a treatment center where as there wasn't much said from my lips even after my close friend made a call to the treatment center answering their questions including the scars on my forearms as she called me at times to see if I needed anything where as I went though the anger management program til i was released in the month of Febuary of 2000 ... When I wasn't in classes I was on the smoking porch looking out a thick metal screen as I smoked my cigars and still not saying much on anything unless there was something important that was needed ... someone told me that the place was closed down as the staff were moved to other sites as I did do one thing as I entered a research study releasing the notes for that purpose so that the ones that needed the help could get the help they needed ....
As I stated before if someone tried to help me I would not be able to understand when they are trying to help where as I have had to look after myself so much even down to putting my knee or shoulder back in place ... When it comes to friends I care for them more then I care for myself and at time kicked out funds in such a number that it cut my throat ... When it comes to looking at things aside from that short list of names that grows a little longer by a name or two I am what is concidered expendable meaning that in turn I can be gotten rid of without cost of value or loss of life ... And for those that thought they grew up in a strict home the rule in mine was " no excuses " where as I was beaten and thrown in a corner til it was decided what the rest of my punishment should be where as it involved more beatings and grounded for something as simple as being late for curfew by five seconds on the wall clock even though i had a wrist watch that said other times listed ... Or my favorite which was getting beaten for telling my sister what I thought of her when it came down to it it gave my sister that feeling of power knowing that all she had to do was cry to my mother for her to watch me get beaten some more .. In turn since my mother couldn't punish her own took anger out on me at times of which i took hold of her metal spatula busting it across my knee and handing it back to her stating that she went to far , but then again my mother didn't want to believe her own was acting like a demon so everything had to be my fault ... When it came to going to school I back handed a bully at one time so he came back with some of his friends as they hung me over the rail by my ankles aiming me at the pop machine where as all hell broke loose when i came too only to loose that temper of mine ... After that all that was said and done with most of them in the hospital , my punishment was 30 - 60 days in a room away from the student body as my fist and right leg was registered as a weapon meaning if I so much as punched someone the charges of attempted murder would be placed on me which left me an open target at the time ... So in turn people just continued to take advantage of that fact as I grew up even meaner to the point that in 1990 I put a dent in the locker with my fist and went down the hall stating that I was leaving that county as soon as i could to return back to a county that I was somewhat treated as a human being ... As far as the event go now some people want me to loose my temper so that in turn I get banned or seem to enjoy this sick pleasure of theirs of feeling the power that they can do what ever they want to me without fear of being punished themselves with the age old statement of " he hit me for no reason " which is a statement that rings like a broken record ... So if in turn I put up with the crap they have the pleasure of doing what ever they want with me or I have the honer of loosing my membership when I finally loose that temper of mine ... It is unknown as to what others are going to think of me where as I don't truely care that much other then the fact I want to talk to those that are my friends without others wanting to ban me because they can ... With HotMatch.com getting more punishment crazy as they ban people for speaking out it has gone too far the control way to the point it is being abused as others as well as myself have seen it abused ... To me this is the cyberspace playground where you have your friends , you have your enemies , and you have the bullies of which are going to do everything to temper tantrums til they get their way or their revenge if their plans are ruined ... There is a lot to think on here as the hour comes up on three in the morning in my time zone where as my friends and my business are my world where it doesn't matter to me if they are sitting across the table from me drinking coffee or sitting at their pc's chatting with me ... When it come to the company of a good friend they are a pleasure to be with as I hope to chat with them for years in the future as i did when i was on a network FriendFinder which is a sister network to HotMatch.com ...
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deep in the range and still in the heart
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Posted:Dec 15, 2008 4:29 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:25 pm
1449 Views
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These past nights and well into the early hours of the mornings lately I a have been deep in thought at times where as my heart is ill with the thoughts that happened to me in the hills of the range of which I have mentioned at times .. When it come to the heart of things I have been in battle with other things for so many years that my heart has hardened against the rival of my enemies out there that still wonder the hills as they seek their revenge in what ever snare they can find ... This winter this barn almost lost contact with me near turkey day as some of them enemies tried to lock me away so that they could feel the feeling of power where as one still thinks she is a queen to rule her relm as she seen fit wanting more revenge on me with others to do her bidding . There are times when I cry myself to sleep muttering an old statement of if they hated that much why didn't they just let me be where as came across some ears in the winter of 1999 as my heart rate was so high that it could of exploded at any time ... one of the ladies put a blanket over me as I laid on that floor which would be a combination of a minor heart attack and the starts of a nervous breakdown where as i was getting to the point that I no longer wanted to live ... In a way being that my grandmother had to come into town to unlock the door I felt like i was a burden not only for that but the lady that put the blanket on me also had a family of her own of which lived across the hall from me ... For most of my life as things happened I was use to looking after myself to the point that a close friend refers to me as a stuburn jackass and still am not use to that help that i receive even if it is done because there are people that still care what happens to me ... As for the battles out on the range and up in them hills the county has finally stepped stating that enough is enough where as further fighting would of gotten me into trouble just so that some of those that started the feuds could sit back feeling that sence of power over what happens to me for what ever reason that they wanted to state was the reason for their path of revenge ... There are a lot of things that I don't say that of been said where as when it comes to my sister that was taken to a treatment center to learn that being she is deemed as a threat to those around her as her home with all it's lovely things will be taken away from her she only seeks more revenge where as she had a love love affair with my step-father behind my mothers back that in turn I knew of only to not say anything on that til this past year where as he was the one that promised her that she would rule by his side as a queen where as part of that plan that kept ringing in my ears involved my death of which she wished on me long before that ... After she word of my step-father's death of which was also her lover reached her ears , anger filled her heart she as she became more violent in her thoughts as she wanted me to suffer as she plotted her evil plans to get me out of the way ... Between her thoughts of revenge and my mother's selective memories not wanting to believe that her own would be so cruel , I was left to fight the battles that were almost fought on my own aside from a few in my home county that said enough was enough ... It is not a thought of pleasure that my mother had to find out on her own what her own was planing as it put her into a state of shock only to find out that I already had some of the answers not to say anything on the major ones ...
At times anger had entered my heart as thought run through my mind of what has been done to me at times where as i'll state some of the nicer ones ... When it was time to open the gifts on that night when most show joy she received a handmade dollhouse while in turn i received a race track that year only for her to wreck it thinking I shouldn't of been given a thing ... As a result she removed a piece of it so i could no longer repair it of which she claimed in later when she stated her vows of revenge as her plans where ruined ... In my younger teens she would reach across the table grabbing my plate and eating the food in front of me or stabbing my hand with her fork .. As a result there were times when I went hungry while she fed her face knowing that all she had to do was make it sound like I was hurting her so that my mother would come out to beat me ... This also became a little game for her amusement as she'd scream for my mother as my mother would come into the room to beat me where as she laughed like a little demon and let out another yell at the top of her lungs ... When the time came and I grew older she came up with a lot of plans where as she was made a ward of the state to be put into foster care of which the powers of the county gave her a blank check to do as she wanted where as my mother was over powered only to take her anger out on me ... in turn I didn't even need to be at a family even for her to tell her tales of how mean I was as she faked her tear where as in turn family members got angry at me where as what worked for her as a she found still worked as she became a young adult .. As a result my grandfather went to his grave in hatred of me as he believed her stories that she started ... One might say that that was the final event where as she also worked on my grandmother just a matter of months after my grandfather was in the ground when i finally started to loose my temper and say enough was enough only to be reminded of how much trouble that i could get into by getting angered enough to go for the throat of my sister and to those that were also involved in these little plans ...
Last night i watched a movie called of mice and men where as the one man forgot how strong was starting with the mouse that he pet to hard , later on the that he played to roughly with , and the woman that he tried to calm down only to break her neck ... He was not a mean man with the destruction where as he only forgot how strong he was and did feel remorse for the deaths of what he destroyed ... This afternoon i was at a friends house watching a show of which two families were feuding over two twin where as the finally married the preacher and got place in charge of them twins .. There was two parts of the bible that were used where as one of them was in first Samual of which a man used to decide the fate of the twins where as spoke into my spirit and got me deeper in thought with the final parts of the show ... In some form or another I have been fighting battles so much up in the hills of that old range where as at times I could be up til the early hours of the mornings just deep in thought and muttering to myself at times ... There are friends of mine that chat with most of the time when they have the time to do so to make sure I'm not locked away in a treatment center where as that was one of sister's lovely plans until it backfired on her where as it is almost of concern to me as to how close she came to the goals of her plans ... As far as her reasons for these plans is that I survived my fate which ruined her plans of which see still believe that she is a queen as my step-father promised her of which in a poem I refered to her as the queen of hearts as she yell off with his head ... When it came down to the events the old case file was reopened for the final time and reviewed by those that had the power to force it open for review as what they found in there scared them to death as a teacher that stated " abosolute power leads to absolute corruption on that power that is given " only to find out how right she was where as my sister was given that power among the people that abused it to the point of criminal behavior ... Even though some sit in a treatment center tonight as my sister does or in prison for their abuses of power it is a wonder as to why I find it hard to sleep at night as i come out into a room to sit deep in thought only to try and return to sleep ... one might say that a battle was fought like that of a final battle between good and evil forces only to find that after I tallied the looses finding that there is no victory in battle times ... at times i still hear the voices of a step-father yelling for me to die and a friend yelling for me to come back to her along with the memories that go though my mind of everything that happened ...
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over ten years of writing
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Posted:Dec 6, 2008 10:45 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:25 pm
1394 Views
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now that i am getting older these past years i'm looking on the past years since i started with a pen , a writing tablet , a cup of coffee , and a pack of them cigars .. what started off as stories that i sent to a friend through the mail of which she read to her friends as they asked what happened next turned into me working on them stories to make them better now that i'm typing them up and printing them into a book form ... one might say that the stories started taking form in about 1994 with a smut story called " maximum sexdrive " that was later used in " fire storm on the home front " that came out in 1999 ... otherwise back in 1994 the stories were for sending it through the mail as the last one sent scared the hell out my friend giving her nightmares to the point she slept with the light on for a week ... as good as i was at writing stories that were being sent through the mail the ones written in the tablets came out much greater even if they still were short to the tune of forty pages ... even to this day i can remember that story that started it all which was of a man that met a female hitchhiker that came to stay with him for the rest of the years as she was on the run from a biker .. for a later story i brought him back as he was released from hell to bring the man back with him only to find that the time ran out as the clock struck midnight and he was taken back into hell ... yet even though it was still to short to merit a book of it's own there is the likely part that it might go into a book filled with short stories ... currently there are three that will be made into full books as i type them up where as one of them is a western and the other is a murder mystery which are both based in minesota where as the one that is to the front of the mill is about four spirits that are learning to become angels ... even as great as them stories were when they were written in the tablets there is the feeling that i can do a better job as i retype them into the published forms that i wanted them to be starting with my project that i am working on these days once i seem to type them out when i have the ideas and the knowledge on how to have them looking ready to be published ..
as for the western and the mystery as they came out in 2002 at about the same time of which i am still not happy as to how they were typed i am thinking hard as to how they should be published where as the one about the angels is the one i am working on for the time being with hope that it will be published in the coming years ... another project i am working on is a book of poetry that will do well when the poems are finished where as in the contests they have always made the top ten percent of the ranks as they have been published since 2004 as i still add to the file in hopes that i'll finish that project in the coming years where as i am sure that it will too be among the top ten percent of the market when it is published ... there is one that i have started where as it started with a twenty page term paper that a professor stated it was of a quality that he'd see of a forth year student in a major post year education program which would of ranked high in the grading system ... the first chapter has been outlined as i'll figure out how to put it into words later which will take a lot of nights to get it right where as i never sell junk as a product and have high standards when i write where as they mabe to high as i know i can meet them if i think long and hard when i remaster the projects to the best i can only to send them through the mill again to remaster them even more .. there is a problem with being my own editor where as the work never seems to be done to meet my standards as i set them aside an think on how to write them with more quality .. aside from not meeting my standards the other annoying thing is writer's block of which is a writer's enemy at it's worst of which i have been known to sit at a place for days pulling my hair out to think of something only to return home and bang my head on the desk in a near point of insanity to come up with freash ideas ... the problem these days is coming up with them freash idea for the project i am working on so that they will intrest the mind to keep on working what will be a story that i can say i'm proud of when it is published ... over the years i have kept some of my tablets with them stories that started off with a small idea in mind only for them to set in the back room of what some would say is a volt where as they are waiting to once again see the light of day and be remastered into that quality of the top ten percent of writing that i am known for .... it is with hope that i will live to see the day that my works are given the rewards that i push them to be where as the highest honer that i can hope for is that they are loved when they are read for years to come after they are published ... one makes their life at times as i am starting to write mine as a piece of me is in the works that i write at times where as with that said even as i try to close each chapter with an intresting ending which does lead to writer's block lately i only want to put out the best of quality that i can even if my standard are not met where as if they were i would take my place among the masters that are now classic ...
peace ...
keeping21972
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memories of a bull in the barn
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Posted:Dec 3, 2008 10:25 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2009 8:29 pm
1467 Views
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when i started coming into the HotMatch.com sites about five years ago not too many chatted with me so i went to another site for a while of which a few took the time to get to know me .. over the years on that other site i made some good friends of which i still hear from at times where as i went from keeping1972 to keeping21972 when a viris hit the entry point of my email adress site .. now days on that other site even though i still go in there at times to see who is still there where as that list of names is small as it one day had an over sized billboard making it harder to read my mail as one would say and was becoming a place that didn't feel comfort .. one night i came into the clean room just to see what was there where as i seem to of walked into some kind of feud which was the battle of the sexes and seemed to be on my side in that battle .. one of my trades is as a writer of stories as i kept things in mind as much as i could where as i started making friends and felt that comfort that seemed to of been lost at times ... in my earlier years when i was growing up i learned the true value of friendships where as i mainly stayed to myself and did my own thing thinking to myself who can in truth be a friend ... in turn i was wrong about many things where as when the world shattered on me in the darkest parts of my life those that became true friends reached out into that darkness and showed me how wrong i was ... it may take years to get to know me as there are a lot of things about me as i will admit i get mule headed at times as i have seen this outer world change from the times i grew up in ... in turn one might say that i was bull that spent so much time out on the range fending for myself that i get a little nervouse about being in a herd ... at times i joke about farmer jones and his corn field or might come up with a few other jokes here and there where as it is not ment to insult others where as sometimes i create a bit of fun .. there are times when i can be charming not after anything but to be a friend and as to be who i am at times ... as for searching for a mate in life i have given up on that search where as i have excepted as hard as it is to except that i am almost alone in the relm of reality and that will never change ... to those that excepted me for who i am i send my thanks where as that is a blessing as i honer the facts that i call you my friends ...
peace ...
keeping21972
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To link to this blog (keeping21972) use [blog keeping21972] in your messages.
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