You want to put a needle WHERE?
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Posted:May 27, 2010 7:48 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2016 8:20 pm
10208 Views
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You know, I'm all in favor of more orgasms. No argument there. And so it should go without saying that anything that could help create more orgasms is a good thing, right?
No. Not right. Not when that "anything" involves sticking a needle in the G-spot. Yeah, you heard me. A needle. A rather long one, at that.
While I was out randomly wandering the internet, I ran across a news story about this great new procedure to help women have more orgasms. It's sort of like plastic surgery on the G-spot. Seriously, it's being offered by plastic surgeons. And it involves injecting collagen into the G-spot to make it 'more accessible.'
No. Hell, no. HELL NO.
Check out the story at http://HotMatch.com.com
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Better living through chemistry...
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Posted:May 11, 2010 7:44 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2016 8:21 pm
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Well, I have to say, I am feeling very, very mellow this morning. I'd like to claim that it's just my personality, but I have to be honest. It's my close personal relationship today with my friend, Mr. Vicodin. Courtesy of your friendly orthopedic surgeon, who sliced & diced my knee yesterday.
Of course, on the down side, the post-op exercises suck!
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A little whine before dinner....
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Posted:Apr 23, 2010 6:38 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2010 7:45 am
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I feel a little guilty, but I must vent. I know this isn't the Christian Dating Network. I'm fairly certain that for most of us, the operative word in the title is Adult. People here have at least a passing interest in the physical aspects of a relationship. But is a certain degree of respect and courtesy too much to ask for?
I know I'm not the only person that can be found at a free email or chat address. If it bothered me for someone to contact me away from here, I could shut down that email address, after all. I don't because it's convenient. But I find myself wondering sometimes about whoever might have the same 'handle' on one of the other free sites. Is he/she getting uninvited emails full of pictures of penises, too? That would have to be a shock. It's a bit of a shock to me, and I've learned to expect them to some degree.
Just a word of advice, guys. When you're sending that first email, it might be a nice gesture not to include that big picture of Mr. Happy until you're sure your recipient wants to view him. This is especially true if you don't know when and where she might open her email. For the same reason, you might want to think twice about that "Hey baby you wanna fuck this afternoon?" subject line you were planning on using.
I bring this up because of a couple of interesting incidents today. One was a surprise email of the aforementioned variety. I opened an email to find a very large picture of an erect penis (notice I didn't say a picture of a very large erect penis). Um, dude, if you're reading this, at least learn how to send an attachment instead of putting the picture in the body of the email, OK? I'm very happy that no one was in the room, because it would have been hard to explain.
Oh, and to Mr. Impatient? Yes, I saw the chat invitation. I saw it when I got home from work, because, oddly enough, I'm not necessarily sitting at home at 1 p.m. on a weekday. Of course, I also saw the 14, yes, 14 increasingly hateful and obscene comments made on my lack of response. I might or might not have been inclined to answer if I'd been home - again, the 'hey baby you wanna fuck this afternoon?' line isn't really high on my turn-on list - but I guarantee you I have no interest now.
OK, I know, whiny and complaining, but I feel better. 
"It is not enough to conquer; one must know how to seduce." ~Voltaire
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So how are YOU feeling?
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Posted:Apr 21, 2010 6:26 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2010 7:34 pm
10478 Views
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I stumbled across this joke the other day, and it's had me giggling ever since. So, lucky you, I'm going to share it with you
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup, and the doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my . What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."
"So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM ! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The doctor says, "My point exactly."
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I'm b-a-a-ack....and other random musings
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Posted:Apr 19, 2010 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Apr 20, 2010 4:59 am
9587 Views
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I know it's silly, but somehow I hope that my blog has missed me. I've certainly missed it. It's not that I can't write/blog other places - I can, and I certainly do. But so many of the other sites are not quite so, um....shall we say open? Laid back? Well, you get the idea.
I suppose using the terms 'laid back' and 'open' so close together on HotMatch.com might be lending itself to a certain visual. Hopefully this is not a visual that anyone finds unpleasant or offensive. My personal take on it, however, is that if that's an offensive thought, you just might be on the wrong website.
Under the heading of random musings, anyone ever actually read the 'terms of use' for HotMatch.com? There's a whole section about the type of material that's not allowed on the site, including a line that reads, "displays pornographic or sexually explicit material of any kind." Wow. Seriously? I mean, it's not like I joined the site just to see pictures of assorted penises (penii?) in various states, but I'm pretty sure I didn't confuse HotMatch.com with the Disney Channel....
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Just curious
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Posted:Jan 14, 2008 6:34 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2016 9:48 am
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You know, I have my profile set to private. Now I'm curious if the blog is visible even if the profile isn't. It could be funny if I'm talking to myself entirely...
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Exercise Diary
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Posted:Oct 7, 2007 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2008 5:12 pm
9842 Views
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Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my dear, sweet , Rachel, purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 33 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little slut cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Now I have a pinched sciatic nerve with pain that shoots from my back to my hip to my leg. In my mind, somebody is due for an ass beating.
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, ugly, shrilly, pissy voice wondering why I did not show up today. If I could have made it to the phone, I would have told her to eat shit and die. Just hearing her made me want to puke and smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. My body was gone and now my mind.
SUNDAY :
Due to now being an invalid, I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my , Rachel (the little bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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The loving husband
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Posted:Oct 4, 2007 2:51 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 3:53 am
9442 Views
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An old man finally gave in and took his constantly nagging wife went on her dream-of-a-lifetime vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her returned home for $5000, or you can bury her her, in the Holy Land, for $150. We'll have a beautiful service, and there's plot available on the hillside looking out over the horizon."
The man thought about it, and told the undertaker that he'd like to have his wife sent home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"
The man answered, "You know, a long time ago, a man died here, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance...."
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I don't wanna know....
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Posted:Oct 4, 2007 2:41 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2007 5:41 pm
9616 Views
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A father asked his 10-year old if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
"At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
"When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
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Geography of Women & Men
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Posted:Sep 25, 2007 11:22 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2007 5:41 pm
9656 Views
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Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America - well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France - gently aging, but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - possessed of a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia - lost some wars, won some great battles but is haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia - very wide, and the borders are now largely unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
Geography of a Man
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
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The ceiling fan
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Posted:Sep 10, 2007 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2007 5:09 am
9775 Views
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Jimmy Carter's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he has told only two lies in his her entire life."
The man was intrigued, as well as curious. He asked, "Where's Bush's clock?"
St. Peter sighed and responded, "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. We're using it as a ceiling fan."
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Greetings, everyone...
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Posted:Aug 26, 2007 6:07 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2007 6:14 pm
9838 Views
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You know, I've been meaning to get something posted over here for I don't know how long. (Well, OK, technically that's not right, I know exactly how long. Just look at the date on the last post.) Somehow, life just keeps getting in the way. And I'm lazy.
So it seemed like a good time to take a few minutes and at least mention that I'm still alive and kicking. Well, not kicking too much today - I went with a friend down to the River Market yesterday morning, and after all the walking we did, I'm too sore to kick. Actually, the walking itself wasn't too bad, but she has two toddlers that we had with us. Keeping track of (and chasing) two , now that was hard work!
But, sunburn & sore legs & all, life is good. I'm two weeks into the new job, and liking the training and the corporate culture that I'm seeing so far. The writing gig is starting to pay a little $$$ each month - not much more than pocket money so far, but it makes me feel good to know that someone must be reading my articles, because they're clicking on the google ads.  And I just got the renewal notice for the lease on my apartment, and the rent's going up a few dollars less than I'd expected, so I don't feel a compulsion to run out and try to find a cheaper place. What more can you ask for???
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The genie
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Posted:Jul 6, 2007 5:08 pm
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2007 6:08 pm
9990 Views
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the best genie story ever...
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the Genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding?" the genie replied. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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To link to this blog (big_brown_eyes4) use [blog big_brown_eyes4] in your messages.
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