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Cleverly Disquised As A Responcible Adult!!! I'm just a girl with a brain that never sleeps, it's always working nonstop. I am a survivor seeking to be a thriver, a wife, an ex-wife, a lover, a polyamorous bi-sexual, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an anima l & nature lover, an open adoption birth mother, an educator, a swinger, a cheater, an abused child and woman, a survivor of that and so many others, always striving not to be the abuser, I need a place to be, to put it all out there, "maybe if it's no longer inside of me it won't keep threatening the life it belongs to". This is my therapy couch. I appreciate you reading, commenting and watching. Thanks for listening or not.
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Happy HNW Camera Blues
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Posted:Dec 19, 2012 12:55 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2012 12:29 pm
140138 Views
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I had a great photo shoot in the new lingerie I bought for the Viking for Christmas but my camera was lost/stolen last Saturday. I’m really upset with myself for losing it. It was an exspensive camera but more importantly a gift from my Viking for Christmas last year. I rarely lose things and when I do I really beat myself up about it. To make matters worse apparently Lil Bit also lost her purse the same day. It was the Minnie Mouse purse she got in Orlando and had her wallet and phone in it. Saturday was not a good day for us. Needless to say there won’t be many photo shoots for a while.
My Viking has sent me 2 flower arrangements, a purple Dyson vacuum, a sky blue burka and a cashmir blanket while he’s been away. What kind of message is he sending? I have another Christmas present coming and if it is a domestic goddess gift I’m going to send him for some head shrinking of his own when he gets home…lol…
Hope you are all having a great week. Merry Christmas and Happy Howling Danes to all!
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Blue Christmas - Happy HNW
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Posted:Dec 12, 2012 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2012 6:42 pm
144282 Views
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How do you like these candy cane holders?
Hope you're having a Happy HNW!
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Nunning Nympho
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Posted:Dec 6, 2012 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2012 6:05 pm
142891 Views
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Nunning Nympho - Foggy Fridays replace Fucking Fridays until further notice!
This actually happened several months ago. I haven’t had sex since September 29th. Let’s pause a minute to allow a few people to pick their jaws off the floor or revive those who have fainted from shock. I won’t be having any sex for many months to come. Watch those fainters again. There’s still some hope of an earlier time but at most we have another 115 days without sex. I had a month after I got home from Italy where I didn’t want anyone else. Then a pretty fair fuckfest for 3 months until it all fell apart in September. It’s only been 68 days for me but it took me about 20 to accept it, embrace it and just move on. I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy about it. I thoroughly expected to be having great sex and am highly disappointed that none of the men I met were willing or able to maintain a simple FWB arrangement. Only one of the summer boys was willing to actually keep in contact even when we couldn’t see each other but our circumstances never lined up with times we could get together. I explained my decision to him a few weeks ago. He was the only reason I even considered playing anymore. In the end I decided the search for compatible men to play with was not worth the emotional risk given the limited time until my Viking is home. It also relieved some of my guilt about playing while the Viking can’t and put us back on more even ground. A voluntary gesture of solidarity to show support and love.
To heap insult onto injury several of the summer FWB’s who dropped out of communication have decided to pop back in hoping that my “not seeing anyone” has exceptions. Like I don’t know that over 2 months has passed without them contacting me but I’m supposed to drop my busy life weeks before Christmas to jump at the chance to fuck them. If each of them had made 2 efforts to see me over the last 3 months I’d probably still be playing and they’d still be getting fucked when they wanted. If I wasn’t worth the effort for 2-3 months don’t bother now. I got to chat with Cpt. SAH not too long ago and he was horrified that there weren’t plenty of good guys ready to take his place. He was an ideal FWB. This did serve to reaffirm that I made the right decision to nun it for the remainder of the time the Viking is gone.
My last therapy session was profound and has had me thinking. My therapist suggested that I had 2 really big challenges to deal with during this time apart. The first being to realize the bond is still there even when he isn’t. The swing from self-reliant to trusting someone enough to rely on them and then back to self-reliant but with the same emotional contact is unusual for me and hard at times. I’m still surprised at all the ways I relied on my Viking in such a relatively short period of time. I’m always finding other things he would be doing for me if he were here. The other challenge is to accept that whatever time we have together is worth any pain. I’ve said from the day I met him that no matter how short my time with him was it was worth it because he is the love of my life. Then we love like this and realize that even forever won’t be long enough. I do accept that truth but I refuse to do any less than fight for every single second I can get with him whether it is a phone call or snuggling on the couch.
I’ve got a full plate; Girls Club gearing up for cookies, horses 2-3 times a week, doctors’ appointments, Christmas, the truck back in the shop for repairs because a radiator clamp wasn’t attached properly causing all the transmission fluid to spray out, my mom has 3 spots of concern on her mammogram and my favorite cousin called me yesterday to get advice on how to leave his wife. I was glad that my mom and my cousin trusted me enough to call me for help and advice but I hate what they are dealing with and that I won’t be here to help for many years. I can’t wait to go back to focusing on my Viking, Lil Bit and our Ani’s. Setting up a new house is going to be fun combining our styles and lives once again. I’m going to enjoy not being connected to a community when we first move. That disconnect will be a nice battery recharge for me. The yard is surrounded by canals on 3 sides and a big iron gate in the front. It’s going to be a nice oasis for all of us but especially me to recharge.
Most of my friends are going through some part of their own cycle of depression. We check in on each other to make sure no one’s looking for razors but otherwise leave each other to wallow when we can. I know I’m not fully capable of filtering the way I am when I have the Viking to lean on. I’m ready for this move, for a new adventure and a new way of living. I know people are going to annoy and disappoint me everywhere we go but a new form of annoyance and disappointment will be refreshing.
The Viking’s Christmas is on its way to him and I’m hopeful that it will get there on time. I am excited to hear his reactions to his many packages. He knows what his main present was, a Kindle Fire HD. I got the joy of playing with it before he did because I had to download the videos I wanted him to have. Unfortunately we are finding it is quite difficult to stream or download video overseas. I do not like learning new technology and got to spend over 2 hours troubleshooting a problem with support. Not fun in my book. It is a nifty little thing and I figure he will want a newer, bigger, better version in a year or 2 and I will wind up with this one. He gave me a list of things he wanted but I had lots of other things in mind. I suspect it will take him a while to find everything never mind watch it all. Additionally I’m trying to send him 12 Sexual Days of Christmas with new photos and videos until Christmas. I got started 2 days late so I’ll have to double up for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day…lmao…The candy cane photo shoot was in anticipation of these 12 Sexual Santa days. Even 1000’s of miles away my Viking still gets me naked, hot and bothered!
Take care sexy people and love each other well. Happy weekend!
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Thankful Titty Thursday
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Posted:Dec 6, 2012 7:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2012 6:04 pm
141454 Views
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I felt guilty about not giving our Canadian Bloggers a new pic for HNW so I took a few last night that are both festive and red in honor of our northerly neighbors of Blogville.
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1st HNW of December - Happy Canadian Blogger Week!
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Posted:Dec 5, 2012 11:41 am
Last Updated:Dec 24, 2012 8:45 pm
141458 Views
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Lady Lulu reminded me of this great holiday! [post 3053173] I did try to find my red maples leaves from last year to take new pics but I think they got tossed in the latest downsizing. So like Lulu I'm using last years. Happy HNW Canadian Blogger Week!
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Resurfacing to Purple Surprises
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Posted:Dec 1, 2012 1:41 am
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2012 11:02 pm
141505 Views
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I opened my front door Thursday morning headed out to my Dr.’s appointment about my wrists to find a tall skinny box. I dragged the box inside, inspected the label for clues. I was running late but hate surprises. Still perplexed, I tore through the top to get a glimpse of what my Viking had gifted me with for Christmas. Yes, I am a spoiled bitch…lol…he sent my Christmas early and even told me I could open it. Inside was a large purple ball a bit bigger than a hamster ball. The light bulb went off in my head and I rushed out the door laughing. My Viking has the ability to delight me to spontaneous laughter even from many 1000’s of miles away.
My mysterious gift that sends a mixed message is a purple Dyson vacuum cleaner. For those of you unaware this is the Coach bag of household maintenance products! He even made sure he got me a purple one. It is really ridiculous how much he and I absolutely adore and delight in each other. Gift giving with us is a study in humor and discovery. He broke his rule of not buying a woman an appliance or useful tool for a holiday. I have always argued that if it’s something the woman actually wants it isn’t breaking any rules to buy it for a gift. Honestly, just like a Coach bag, this is something I would never have felt comfortable buying for myself.
It has been a busy week with Girls Club Tuesday, shrink appointment and errands all day Wednesday, Dr.’s appointment for my wrists Thursday and tons of phone calls, dentist for both me and Lil Bit this morning and then a marathon day of shopping. We were supposed to go to a hockey game but I screwed up the time so we just shopped all night. I did manage to get the Dyson assembled Thursday afternoon but had too many phone calls to make to get to play with my new toy. As I suspected the Dr. is just referring me to a specialist about my wrists. Today after dragging in the Christmas tree I did get to break the vacuum in. It will take some getting used to but is amazing. I’m still kind of in shock. That man never ceases to amaze me with his thoughtfulness, kindness, generosity and love.
Staying busy is helping me force myself into a more upward spiral from my depression. I’m still struggling with it. I know like treading water until I get to the shore I will inevitably be pushed down again by a wave or two but the general direction is back towards the shore and sure ground. Right now I’m good. Staying busy, the vacation, shopping and holidays have me in a good spot right now. You know when you’re gently being pushed in the direction of the shore by a wave you know is building.
I wrote my Viking an email last night titled “Resurfacing” because I had a bit of a freak out. I felt like my head just broke free from a wave that had been holding me under the water. I came up grateful for air and a clearer view of where I was in relation to where I want to be but panicked that I had neglected to think about my dive buddy while I was submerged. I have a skill for losing myself. I can focus my energy on almost anything to the point of losing myself in that focus. When I’m wrapped up in my own headful of misery this skill isn’t a good thing. My Viking assured me that I had not neglected him and pointed out that this was more likely be finding my balance again. I am always struggling for balance.
For all intents and purposes all of my Christmas shopping is done. Lil Bit and I got it all done from 3pm to 9pm. I was very impressed with our marathon shopping day. Other than forgetting my flash drive at Staples we accomplished everything we had on the list and then some. The store is holding my flash drive for me. I haven’t gotten to really shop for Christmas presents in many years. I love having a big family with lots of to buy for when I can get them things I know they will enjoy. The only things I have left to buy are Norton the African Grey parrots toys. Yes all the ani’s (ani’s=animals) get Christmas presents and they also give presents to each family member.
The weekend and next week will probably be just as busy as this week. In the meantime my insomnia is kicking in and my arms are killing me so I need to sign off. I hope all my favorite perv’s are having a great pre-holiday weekend. I have to go record a few more chapters of 50 Shades for my Viking. He has no new porn to watch or listen to. Take care, everyone in this maudlin boat with me, hang in there we will make it.
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Happy HNW - Conversations with the Viking
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Posted:Nov 28, 2012 9:04 pm
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2012 10:14 am
142929 Views
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My Wife is better than a !
V: Ehhh I’ll keep you. You’re better than any !
PP: Really how am I better than a ?
V: You’re cheaper, more reliable, more orgasmic, a better cook. I don’t have to use a rubber and you’re still safer than with a condom with a .
PP: Bonus that I love you and want to bear your anti-christ brat huh?
V: That’s always a bonus.
PP: You know this is going in my blog right?
Mail Call
V: I sent my underling to pick up my mail today. He wanted to know what QPFB stands for.
PP: LMAO…Oh really! Were you brave enough to tell him?
V: Hell no it’s none of his business but I did tell him that I confirm it if he guessed it.
PP: He’d never guess the whole thing but he’s supposed to be super smart you should be able to get the 1st two letters.
V: Nope not even close but he was convinced the P was pussy.
PP: QPFB is no longer assured of his superior intelligence. Even kindergarteners know the Q is for Queen and all women are Queens! And he’s seen pics of me next to you pygmy is quite fitting.
V: Pygmy is a very unusual word.
PP: Exactly and intelligent people like unusual words.
Head Shrinking
V: So how was the head shrinking today? Anything you want to share?
PP: Really good I feel much better.
V: Oh why is that?
PP: It’s just nice to hear from an expert that I’m not really crazy.
V: Oh please we all know you are crazy. He’s just telling that we don’t need to commit you quite yet. Besides isn’t that what you pay him for?
PP: Good to know I’m not quite certifiable, yet.
WonderTruffle to the Rescue
V: You suit me...like a glove. TTYT wondetrufl.
V: That is right...not wonderful. Wondertruffle
PP: LMAO…I’m what?
V: You know a Wondertruffle. Small tasty expensive little morsels but not just any truffle you are Wondertruffle.
PP: I’m flattered as long as you don’t send Wonder pigs or dogs to sniff me out!
Viking Wrinkle Cream on back order for 3-4 more months.
PP: I'm going to have wrinkles by the time you get home.
V: I figure, I can't inject love...but I sure as hell can silcone.
PP: No wonder my 1 friend who is a military wife looks like she is 60
V: Not if you stop stressing and stay out of the sun.
PP: Right
V: Couple more months. Once I return all the old worn out feeling you have right now will go away. You will be a new woman. Now, once we have a ...all bets are off. Besides, you have that Indian blood. You age better than us white people.
PP: I'm just not getting my daily non-stress injections or facials that's the only reason I'm going to have wrinkles by the time you get home
V: Well, your Oil of O'Lay Viking Flavor is on its way.
PP: Wow...new meaing to Oil of O'LAY. I think Essense of O'Lay is probably better to avoid copyright infringement...lol..
V: Makes me wonder if their might be more to the name than we realize now that I think about it...what is in that stuff, a "propriatary" formula? O'Lay du Vikin, The Cock'du Cream of Champions, But, I like to just call it "The Dip" for short.
PP: Oh my God I love and miss you! Nobody makes me laugh like you do.
V: I try.
PP: We think so much alike it isn't even funny.
V: It is one of my primary goals, to make you smile. I love your smile.
PP: Not smiling for years is probably the only thing that kept me from getting laugh lines and wrinkles so you make me laugh at your own peril
The Viking’s tortures:
Your big Christmas present is on the way. It is coming in two pieces, so you might get the less useful piece before the useful piece. Such is life. LOL Hope you like it. Decided to get it today so I could get a good deal on it, so thus, you are getting it early. Oh well, I am sure you wont mind. Kisses 2 u and good night sexy. I love you totally and completely.
Followed by an email saying that I might not like the message the gift sends.
He knows I hate surprises and loves to torment me with them. The mystery gift is supposed to be here in the next couple of days so I will let you know.
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Sunny Cold Sunday
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Posted:Nov 25, 2012 3:36 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2012 11:33 am
143177 Views
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Sunny Cold Sunday
As the Thanksgiving holiday break pulls away from the present I wanted to assure you all that I am still that happy, grateful and fun woman you have grown to know over the last decade. I know most of you haven’t quite known me that long but you are all special to me. This outlet means a lot to me. I don’t write for you but I do write to you because I know many of you understand, have experienced similar things and are sending me your love, support and positive energy even when you never comment. The very act of taking your time to read my epic and deep posts means you care.
I debated whether or not to post the last very dark post about struggling through this episode of depression. I wrote that piece a week or two previously. I was compelled to pour it out but once written I only let a couple of people read it. Then I just sat on it and enjoyed the hustle and bustle of a vacation, family visits, a holiday and keeping up with the household chores while still getting my normal 12 hours of sleep.
The vacation to Orlando was great. Lil Bit and I really had a blast at Sea World and our Twilight movie day together. I did some Christmas shopping for the Viking while I was there and for my mom. My Aunt J is always fun to be with. She’s one of those people that can and does get along with anyone. She took her 2 oldest granddaughters. K is 6 and R just turned 5 on Tuesday. I call them my nieces but technically they are cousins. The one we expected to be a brat and pain in the ass, K was great. Sweet as she could be. The one we expected to be good, R was a total little shit. She had one of 2 modes of operating, ignoring or arguing. She drove me insane to the point of locking her out of our side of the condo and snatching her by her ponytail to keep her from walking into oncoming traffic and a light pole at Sea World. If she had been with me she still wouldn’t be able to sit down. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her Daddy yet. Her mom is doing her normal blowing it off as a phase that will pass. Nope not if you don’t stop the disrespect and disobedience now it won’t pass.
We stayed busy and I took my Ambien to keep myself on a more normal schedule so I could keep up. We rented movies the night we got there to watch after the grocery shopping excursion. We went to Sea World Sunday, shopping Monday, movie & shopping at Downtown Disney Tuesday while Aunt J & the girls went back to Sea World and then home Wed. The drive wasn’t bad until we were about an hour from getting off the interstate. We still made good time. Every time we went somewhere I cried because the Viking wasn’t with us but that’s par for the course for me. I also am severely conflicted about marine mammals in captivity for entertainment. Lil Bit was really good after we had a heart to heart about being thankful for that vacation when the person providing it was 1000’s of miles away in a shitty situation so that we could enjoy ourselves. She had that light bulb moment after she realized how fast her $100 was spent no matter how careful she was. After that she had a much better attitude.
I dropped her at her daddy’s house on the way home and hit the nearest Publix for my Thanksgiving dinner contributions and a duck for me. I don’t normally like turkey and have a tradition of cooking a duck, goose or lamb for my holiday dinners. My mom came in that night and we cooked together for the next day. She was up and gone by 9am each of the mornings she was here but I have not slept well since I got home. We had Thanksgiving at my sister’s house and I tolerated her in-laws & family as long as I could. Friday my mom & my sister took the 3 girls to the movies and did some shopping. Then that night my mom, Lil Bit, my oldest niece and myself headed to our favorite Friday night karaoke. We had a blast. Mom left the next morning, dropped Lil Bit back to her dad and I slept until the niece R’s birthday party.
I had to leave the birthday party. The constant popping of balloons, circus music and annoyingly loud clown and had me ready to hide in a closet. My nerves were shot by the time I left. No 5 yr. olds birthday party should last more than 2 hours. They still hadn’t cut the cake or opened presents when I left. I used needing to get stuff for the horses before the hardware store closed as an excuse to leave. I came home and got to chat a long time with my Viking for the first time in weeks. Did nothing but eat leftovers, clean out the spot for the Christmas tree and watch Christmas movies before I went to bed early last night. I finally got to sleep as long as I wanted to today for the 1st time in weeks and it was so nice.
I layered and bundled up and headed out to the horses to repair my water hose that was mysteriously cut apart. When I got there the land owner was coming up from the horses. He had already repaired it and filled the water trough up for me. He didn’t know what had cut it either as there was no hay or grass mowing going on that he knew of. I suspect the family members he had up took the mower for a joy ride while he was at work. Nothing to bitch about though since he fixed it for me and he had just put out hay for the horses so there was no need to feed them. The limping girl seems to be walking pretty well so the cold must be helping.
125 days until my Viking is home! I’m glad that the next few weeks will be busy for me with Christmas shopping and decorating. Hopefully that will make the next 30 days fly by.
I decided to come off of the Nuva-ring at the beginning of this month and just go “No Sex” for the remainder of our separation. That will give me several months to track my cycle with the fertility monitor and have a good idea of when we can get pregnant by the time the Viking gets home. I don’t have the heart to look or put in the effort to meet new people anymore for that short a time. Hell, I don’t have the heart to see the people I already know and love. In a very odd twist, one of the couples at karaoke Friday night was a couple I played with when Mike wanted to explore the lifestyle. I liked them then but Mike decided he was not into the lifestyle at all shortly after that and I never talked to them again. They are friends with one of the regulars we hang out with on Fridays. I’m dying to know if the couple we normally karaoke with is in the lifestyle or a local vanilla friend of theirs. I gave the wife my phone # again. They are fun to hang out with even if I’m not playing. She hasn’t called so I doubt I’ll hear from them but at least I tried.
School is back in Monday and we are back to the routine for another few weeks before they are out for 3 weeks straight. Cheering is over, thank goodness but Girls Club is still on. I’m annoyed because the age group ’ leaders are not pulling their weight with contributions to the newsletter. I have our 4 Great Dane group Secret Santa packages ready to go but have to get our card printed in color before I mail them. I can’t wait to finish my Viking’s Christmas shopping and get all of it mailed to him. That is on the top of my TTD List for the 1st of the month. The mail has gotten unpredictable and I’m worried he won’t have his gifts by Christmas.
I wanted to get all new Christmas tree ornaments in purple, blue & silver but I think I will wait until next Christmas when the Viking is with us and we get to put up a tree together for the 1st time. Ok pervs I hope you have a great week. It’s going to be a busy week for me with several doctor appointments, Girls Club and hopefully a local hockey game Friday. I’m going to go nosh more leftovers before I get Lil Bit and we settle in for our one night that we always watch TV. Once Upon A Time and Walking Dead are on. No she doesn’t watch the WD that is past her bedtime but I sure do! Have a great week.
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Black Friday
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Posted:Nov 23, 2012 10:27 am
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2012 2:56 pm
143682 Views
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The Inside Looking Out
A lot of us mention that we battle depression or love people who do and want to help. Do you know what it feels like? If you’re like me does yours feel the same way? Does this seem like a page from an insane asylum or strike chords of memory for you?
I am convinced that many of us, especially women are harshly affected by our hormones. Knowing why you are crying at the drop of a hat or snapping everyone’s heads off may not change just because you know your hormones are raging but it does remind you that you aren’t just crazy. Crazy is a nickname most of us try to avoid. What is crazy? When someone’s mind turns on them? Then I and so many others are crazy.
I struggle with a group of chicken or the egg issues. I suffer from PTSD due to years of abuse until I was in my 20’s. I also suffer from something called secondary PTSD. When you live with someone with PTSD it can be passed on behavior is learned from parent to . This isn’t what I want my learning. I struggle with insomnia, asthma, chronic pain from a low back injury, neck pain from a spinal fusion and periodic situational depression all of which aggravate each other. I’ve been in therapy since I was 11 years old. It was court ordered sanity for a .
My family has a strong history of mental issues and addiction on both sides. My mom and each of her 6 siblings had drug addictions at some point in their lives and exhibit a disturbing ability to pretend things are fine no matter what is wrong. My father’s side seems to have the more organic forms of bi-polar, paranoia and schizophrenia with the occasional alcoholic thrown in but on that side of the family the addictions seem to be a form of self-medication for the underlying mental illness. My father is severely paranoid, bi-polar alcoholic with PTSD from Vietnam. Oddly my grandparents on both sides didn’t exhibit the issues but the generation before and after them certainly did. It’s a wonder I’m as functional as am I but some days are better than others.
I spent 7 of the last 10 years on a combo drug to manage chronic pain and depression. That drug worked amazingly well. I accomplished so many of my life goals and made it through a divorce with the stability that drug offered. I finished my BA, my M.Ed., ran my own business, had Lil Bit, managed a civil divorce and custody arrangement and taught middle grades science. All that came to a crashing halt with my neck fusion. Of the 3 years I’ve been off of it almost half of that was spent dealing with intense and disturbing side effects of withdrawals. Suddenly stopping this prescription is not suggested. The weaning process is supposed to be 6 months to a year to avoid the side effects. In that 3 years I lost the dream career I worked my life to achieve, got out of an abusive relationship, and struggled to keep Lil Bit and my animals safe. I have been struggling and surviving for the last 3 years. I’ve forgotten how to live without struggling. I’m fighting to get out of that mindset now. The struggle is internal now.
Up until a year ago my hormones were kept level by a Mirena IUD. Let me tell you that I am really glad I didn’t have to deal with the hormone swings on top of coming off of Cymbalta. After the Viking and I either accomplish our family goal or give it up I am doing whatever I need to do to level out my hormones for the rest of my life. For now I’m monitoring my hormonal levels to try to help me manage the effects.
Many days are a constant battle for balance: from the news of horses in need of rescue being sold to a slaughter buyer instead of the home for the same price, to the extended family members announcing being pregnant, to the lost pup reunited with his owners, along with the everyday things that trigger my ache of missing my Viking, my emotions range from sobbing to rage, jealousy to hope.
If I’ve been lucky enough to get a few straight hours of uninterrupted sleep I have a chance of staying up and active for the day. Most days I’m not that lucky. Most days I’m working on a scattering of an hour or two of consecutive sleep. I have Ambien and take it for a few days in a row to try to reset my sleep cycle but then I have to worry about the nightmares I may be trapped in while under the Ambien. Even with that the best I get is 6 hours but having nightmares for 6 hours does not make for a patient person. Days without sleep or nights filled with nightmares put me on edge. I get jumpy, short tempered and can’t focus on anything for long. When I finally am able to sleep I have to force myself to get out of bed or I’d stay asleep for days in a row. I have to set multiple alarms for the most basic things and read the reminders of what I need to be doing. If I have other people around me that helps me to force myself to act normal even when the insomnia triggers the worst of the PTSD, which triggers my asthma, which triggers panic attacks and so on and so forth. Unfortunately being around people for more than a few days at a time drains me completely and I need alone time to recharge my batteries. The Viking is the only person I’ve been able to be around 24/7 for long periods of time without wanting to escape. He’s very tolerant of my need for alone time since his are similar.
What does all this feel like at the worst? I dream in unending nightmares of my worst fears, my , animals and loved ones suffering. The dreams are bad enough but the day dreams are worse. I hear voices in white noise. The voices are cruel when I can hear them, just disturbing when I can’t. I relive my family member’s deaths. I can’t force myself to go into places that give me the creeps. I relive my abuse but generally it’s my being abused. I see dead family members out of the corner of my eye. Although I’ve rationalized that one enough that it doesn’t bother me anymore. My rational is that they are there to support me, to help me through and not supposed to scare me. I can’t stay focused and often have strange feelings of detachment and disorientation. I know I’m suffering from PTSD, depression, etc. but I can’t change how I feel or what I’m seeing or hearing. I have completely irrational fears and worry about things that I can’t possibly have any effect on. I can’t just be happy for the people I care about and feel intense guilt that I’m angry, jealous or mad about things that should be reasons to celebrate. I snap at people closest to me. I avoid the phone and only call or contact people I have to in order to stay functional. I struggle to keep up with the daily household chores. As much as I want to read, write or paint I often can’t produce anything I can find acceptable. Finding something to focus my anger on is refreshing and a welcome release.
I don’t talk about this with anyone other than the Viking. Even with my Viking I am vague and expect him to remember things I’ve mentioned in passing before. I’m sure he read this and found a dozen things that I assumed he knew because I know at some point I mentioned they were part of what I’ve been through. Knowing full well that if I don’t tell him, he can’t know what I’m experiencing. This is the worst of it and I don’t want him to know what it is like when I’m on the inside looking out. He’s the only person I have been able to let in and still when he’s gone for a long time I start feeling like a prisoner in my own head.
He’s never seen this side of me up close and I hope he never has to. I’m not afraid of him seeing me this way. He will from afar and I trust that he will still love me even when he hears just how bat shit crazy I am. He sees the worst and best of me in a way that I can’t, ever. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me fight to get the joy back into my life. When he’s with me I am completely at peace. That doesn’t mean none of those things happen to me when he is around sometimes they do but he has a way of soothing my tortured soul when I need it most. Things don’t have the opportunity to build up the way they do when we are apart.
Love is an amazingly powerful medicine when it comes with complete acceptance and adoration. We joke that we have the most symbiotic of relationships, a mutual admiration society where we are continually discovering new things to love and adore about each other even when we are separated for months and thousands of miles. Our time together is worth whatever we have to endure until we are together again.
Most days I have something to force me to focus on making progress forward one day at a time. Getting out of depression is like surviving, you just have to make it through that day. When I’m angry over something that should make me happy, feeling sorry for myself and missing my Viking I find something else that makes me see a little piece of joy. A friend from here is a great photographer. I go browse his pics on FB. I recently shared with him that his photos often bring me a little piece of peace that I need for the day. I have 100’s of photos of the Viking that I go flip through. I escape into a good book of fiction. I used to use sex to escape too but that toll got too high for me. I go pet one of the furbabies. Of course that generally reminds me that 2 of the 4 are dying or will be dead within 6 months which brings another round of crying. If all else fails I know that for an hour or 2 every day I can listen to my Viking tell me it is going to be ok, that I’m not crazy and that he loves me, while we chat or talk. Some days I just pretend he’s only gone for a week for work so I can get through.
From the outside looking in no one sees this me. I just thought you might want to see me from the inside looking out. Don’t judge a book by the cover. Your smile might be the only thing keeping the binding of that book from imploding. I’m debating on whether to make this post a read-only or a friends-only. I don’t want to hear the platitudes. You can’t help me with this; no one can, not really. All you can do is be there, listen and if you know someone like me tell them you are there for them. Make plans with them to clean or shop or just go to lunch. Don’t pussy foot around. Tell them you know they are suffering and encourage them to lean on those that care. That is the hardest thing, we are alone and we don’t want to burden anyone else with our pain.
I just want you to understand a little bit more about what millions of people suffer with. I’m one of the lucky ones. I am surrounded by love and support. I have a finite end in sight. I know that in a few months the vast majority of this depressive episode will be another memory. Some of us never get back to living, we get trapped on the inside looking out and never see the sunshine again.
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Happy Thanksgiving!
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Posted:Nov 22, 2012 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2012 3:10 pm
143838 Views
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Hope everyone is having a very Happy Thanksgiving!
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Orlando Relaxation - Woohoo!
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Posted:Nov 17, 2012 8:56 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2012 1:09 pm
143283 Views
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It is so damn nice to have a big tub I can soak in! I'm going to start a dream home must have list and a big giant jetted tub is on the list! Sea World tomorrow. I think I'm more excited than the . Happy Pre-Turkey Day weekend.
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Update
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Posted:Nov 15, 2012 7:50 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2012 11:00 am
142301 Views
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Spank the Bad Blogger
Dear Blogger Buddies,
I confess I have been a very bad blogger of late. I haven’t responded to comments here in weeks. I barely read anyone else at all and when I do I seem to be totally at a loss for what to say. If I’ve commented on your blog over the last month then you really should feel special because it means I’m really trying to stay connected to you and value your friendship. To all of you who are always here reading and commenting for me, I thank you for your love and support. I need it right now as I struggle to keep my head above the quick sand of depression.
I have virtually disconnected from this place other than as my therapy couch. I just don’t have the drive to engage here. I’m not having sex but mostly that is what this place other than my blog has always been about. Staying away seems to be easier for me right now. I am deeply conflicted about this place and the FWB’s I met here this summer.
I spent my week making deer jerky for my Viking, dealing with the last cheerleading game and Girls Club. I’m busy in reality trying to keep up with my life and that isn’t always easy. I’ve written a couple of blogs that I still haven’t decided whether to post or not. I’m taking Lil Bit to Orlando for 5 days. That’s her big Christmas present this year and yes that was her choice. We are going with my favorite Aunt who is like a 2nd mom to me and one of my nieces (technically she’s my 2nd cousin but her dad is more like my little brother). We are going to have a nice 5 day girl-cation. I doubt I will be here much at all over the next week between the trip and then my mom visiting me for Thanksgiving and that weekend. I know I won’t have time tomorrow. I have an early morning massage, cleaning all day with my sister, horses and then dinner with our pet sitter & her hubby and then karaoke with my regular karaoke GF’s. That has become a welcome Friday night ritual for me. We leave early Sat morning for Orlando.
Maybe a week away from everything will help but I worry about leaving the doggle geriatric hospice ward for so long. I haven’t been away for more than a few hours in months. The oldest Dane & the Shepherd are both on a steady downward spiral and I’m just trying to hold on until they are ready to let go. They are so happy, playful and loving. How can you put them down for having accidents when they are obviously unaware and living happily? I can’t do it right now but I fear that decision is looming no matter how happy they are their bodies are just giving out around them. It is so very heartbreaking to watch. Is it so hard to ask for once to have a die peacefully in their sleep instead of me having to make that awful decision and put them down?
My younger mare with laminitis seems to be walking better since I’ve had her on a grazing muzzle and low dose of aspirin but she wised up to the muzzle on Wed and I couldn’t get it on her. I go back out tomorrow to check on her but she will likely be without either for the week until after I get back. That should tell me a lot about whether the improvement was incidental or related to the treatment changes. I’ve had no advice or luck finding any rehoming options. Tomorrow I’ll meet with our pet sitter to discuss the contract for taking care of them while we are gone to Italy.
I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving holiday. In an attempt to make up for my bad blogging tendencies of late I offer you a chance to spank the bad blogger. Take care and love each other well.
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Why?
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Posted:Nov 15, 2012 7:47 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2012 1:18 pm
141523 Views
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Why?
I have worked really hard to force myself to just let it go. He was gone from the site so I was free to write what I wanted to but I didn’t do that either. I really was just letting go and moving on. I was doing a damn good job of it too until I happened to check to see who was viewing me this week. He’s back and viewing me every day. Why? My nature is to pursue and pound until I get answers. This time I decided to do something different and just let the whole mess be. Perhaps it is just a matter of my ego not wanting to accept that I was simply a piece of ass or not wanting to accept that I was wrong about my reading of that person. Ego is a bitch sometimes. Generally I would badger until I get some sort of reason why. This time I decided that the end result was not worth the trouble. I’ve allowed myself to get hurt too much and just walking away seemed wise. But when I see him viewing me every day all the questions surface again. Maybe I’m just good fodder for masturbation and that’s why he’s back? Why spend that time and energy just to say fuck off? Why talk about how great the sex was, what fun we have and make plans then bail with no reason? I can speculate all I want but will likely never know. Not knowing drives me crazy. If you happen to read this maybe you’ll have pity and tell me why?
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To link to this blog (PurplePeach72) use [blog PurplePeach72] in your messages.
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