Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > sysper > bicurious blog |
i'm gonna concentrate on guys
|
i'm gonna concentrate on guys lately i've been thinking of quitting thinking about women as much as i possibly can & concentrating on just men for now. right now I got some of my confusion regarding the same sex & despair with the opposite sex. the thing is, i still dream of meeting the right women. no, it wouldn't be perfect. but we would both put in the effort towards each other that would work & make it a very happy relationship. when i daydream about it, i feel it in my heart. but then reality sets in. i realize i don't have that, & it doesn't look like i ever will. the happy feelings come crashing down. but when i consider being with guys i'm usually in a better mood overall. if i fail with guys it's not nearly as heartbreaking. i don't feel that longing for a man. but the idea is pretty exotic so it makes thinking about it & planning to pursue it, exciting. it actually gives me more to look forward to. it's kind of like rediscovering sexuality for the first time! so maybe i should give up what seems like futile hope & obsessing, almost punishing myself, with thoughts of the one precious thing i need but i can't have, & apply my energy & efforts to something similar, maybe not as good but with it's own unique charm. my one concern is if i'm changing goals in order to run away from my problems. going for guys addresses some of my wants & needs, but it doesn't directly bring my ultimate goal. then again i have been spinning my wheels a lot for awhile with this longing/hopelessness. maybe this lack of meaningfulll results is a way of telling me to try a different approach to such things for awhile. maybe i've come to a dead end with women, & accomplishing something along the same sex gender line is something i have to do before i can proceed past that dead end. plus i think i could use an emotional break. my next concern is how to get this started! there isn't exactly a "new same sex experiances" aisle at the store lol. i've been searching various personals websites for the past several years without success, maybe some of the social networking/swinger type websites might give me some possibilities. hookup websites & apps like adam4adam, tinder & grindr are probably not a good idea. wouldn't it be ironic if i found the right kind of guy here on HotMatch.com? (oh please please!) it's probably not gonna happen while walking down the street. but u never know. i have to learn to keep my eyes open, & brush up on my gaydar & bi-fi lol. the last big concern is what do i plan, where do i see this going? i'm not looking to date a guy, but u can probably tell i'm not looking for an anonymous hookup either. i want to establish some kind of relationship with a guy. even if it's just exploration it's still intimate & i can't or won't (if there's really any difference) do this with just anyone. sometimes things just line up right away, but i'm counting on taking time getting to know each other & getting comfortable with each other. i'm open to keep things going as sort of friends with benefit's. but what if our relationship ends? will i be satisfied with the amount of experiance up until that point? i suppose i could plan to resume my search without much problem if i feel i must still go on. hopefullly in such a situation the "breakup" would be on good terms. but if it's not so good there could be some damage control to look into in order for me to proceed & probably other things. & what if the relationship, despite what we agree to going into it, goes in the opposite direction? what if my guy falls in love with me? or, & this is the most difficult question i have ever asked, i find it hard to type it or even think it, what if i fall in love with him? it probably won't happen but shit happens & i think it's smart at least to be aware of it. to say this would blow my mind would be an understatement. it took me about two decades to work against my heteronormativity & internalized homophobia in order to allow myself the idea of certain things with members of the same sex. i'm not ready to cross completely over & have a man be everything to me that i've always imagined & dreamed for almost 35 years (assuming puberty at about 12-13) a women would be. but watch me completely change my tune in ten minutes. i see overall trends in these thoughts but they are not exactly consistent. oh well... wow, i've written a lot! i didn't mean to write a book & i understand if u just not gonna read it. but if u read it & we ever meet face to face i promise to kiss u on the cheek in gratitude if u want.  if u give advise or support i'll take u out to dinner. if u say something nasty i'll make dinner for u, that should be enough punishment. xd |
|||
|
|
Become a member to create a blog
