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| Blogs > MarissaTv > Only Tgirls would understand |
A sad day but not the end.
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A sad day but not the end. So today started off by being one filled with excitement and fear. The day had finally arrived where I was to see my doctor about starting a HRT program. I have been on a natural one for a few months but there have recently been problems with the company and they are no longer filling orders. I had all the paperwork ready from the Psych evals, blood tests,and recommendations to begin that I have been working on for almost a year now and sat very nervously in the waiting room to be called back. For me this was a great day, no longer did I have to take multitudes of supplements to lower testosterone and raise estrogen and phytoestrogen levels without having a base line or knowing if I was using too much of something! Today was the day i could have a professional help me monitor these things and make sure I was not doing damage to my body while transitioning. When I was called back I was asked if a student Dr. could be in the room to watch and assist. I always say yes to this so even though this is more personal than normal I agreed. Sitting in the room the student started asking me the usual random questions and I answered. It was funny to me the moment she got to why I was there.This obviously highly intelligent, well educated, beautiful young woman froze. She sat there staring at the screen for a minute with the most puzzled look on her face before turning to me. "why" she asked. "You are a good looking man who is married and as you told me have grown and a grand . Why would you want to change who you are?" I looked in her eyes and told her. I am not changing who I am but trying to become who I always was. I have never like being male. i have spent over forty years hating it and being an angry man because of it. I am happy and at peace when I am a woman so why not spend the next forty happy and loving who I am? I could tell she did not understand, but i do not expect people to anymore. She was about to ask something else when my Doctor came in. She gave me a hug as she always does and then sat down and started going over the notes and my paperwork. She informed me again of her displeasure of my "supplement" usage and I just smiled at her as she told me again off some of the issues of long term usage of a few of them and replied that if everything goes well I won't need them. She turned her chair to face me and put her hands on my knees. "Marissa" she said. This is why I love my doctor! She calls me by the name I want to be called. " I can not approve of this therapy for you." At this point my heart went to my throat, i could feel the blood draining from my face, and tears started welling up as I sat there petrified. "The hormones you are requesting are mostly given to pro op men with the end result of having surgery to remove the penis and make a vagina. You want to keep yours and eventually this will cause you to have no sexual function of the penis. That is not a healthy way to end what you want to accomplish." I looked at her through teary eyes and tried to plead my case. That it takes usually two or more years to become impotent to an unrecoverable point, how I only wanted it for less than that to physically change, how I can use Viagra and other methods to still be sexually active, and lower my dosage for maintenance. She just looked at me during this her eyes sad but firm. That made me mad and i let anger get the best of me. I told her fine, if she won't help i will just use an international pharmacy to get them and screw being safe! If the only way she would help was if i planned on cutting off my Fing dick i will find another way! I stopped suddenly and put my head in my hands. I was ashamed of the rude comment I just made. I told her I was sorry while crying and she put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. "this is why I cannot with a clear conscience help you with medications Marissa. You desire this so much that you are willing to do anything to accomplish it. If I started this for you and at a point told you your liver was failing due to it and stopped the therapy you would just get them from over seas and not care about the damage.How can I as your doctor prescribe something knowing you are willing to die if need be to take?" She let me sit there crying for a while handing me a box of tissues. I guess I now know why doctors always have those in their exam rooms. I composed myself as best as I could and looked at her. "if I go back to therapy and work on that and get better will it change your mind?" I asked. "that would help." she said then added "and if you got full blood test every three months to show you are not getting them from an online source as well as not over doing your OTC supplements."I agreed and got up to go remembering there was another doctor in the room. I looked at her as I picked up my coat. Her eyes were puffy and tears rolling down her cheeks. I smiled sadly at her and said one thing before opening the door. "Do you understand now?" I learned nothing from this so far. i am too sad and still angry by what happened. i know she is right but at the moment do not care as it is still to fresh in my mind. i can honestly say that if I had the funds in my Bitcoin account right now I would order them myself, but i do not and I think that may be a good thing. i do know that the med student learned something today. there is no book that can teach the real interaction or emotion in the medical field and who knows if they even mention trans people other than a side note The only positive for me today is I hope she learned how to interact with us and any patient by watching my doctor. I am going to drink more cab sav now and lay with my puppies for a while. They always make me feel better. I am tired of crying and happy dogs always works for that.Tomorrow is the day to really think about what she said and find my path again, tonight is about just being sad, at myself mostly. Love who you are meant to be, never give up, and let the little things be a reminder of the beautiful person you are. |
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2/20/2019 1:44 pm |
Do whats Best for You
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