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| Blogs > gymrat1974 > ManwranglerJen |
Getting to know...me?
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Getting to know...me? I'm very good at knowing what an answer is supposed to be. I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes the answer I give and the answer I feel are two different answers. Sometimes the life I live and the life I want to live are two different lives. Just FYI. Sometimes they converge and sometimes they diverge. And no one but me knows the difference. Sometimes even I don't know the difference. I'm as surprised as everyone else by my feelings...assuming they can ever be pinpointed...even fleetingly. I suppose that is why I would make a decent sub even though I am not. At least not beyond playing. I have spent my entire life being the square peg fitting into a round hole. I've had lots of practice. And it's not necessarily negative. In Fact it's not negative at all. And it wasn't intended to be taken as such.  I know how to be pleasing to others far more so than to be pleasing to myself. Also, suppose I were to do something as ill advised as catching feelings for someone with whom I am spending time who either doesn't share those feelings or absolutely is against those type of feelings. I am quite capable of keeping those feelings hidden, so that I can continue to spend time with that person. it might be deceitful, but it isn't hurting anyone but me. The only other thing I know to do is to continue to spend time with that person but still spend time with others. Of course one just makes me a little bit deceitful as I said and the other has the potential to make me a . Except for the fact that I can pretend not to like people when I really do, I am an exceedingly honest person. I will always tell the truth to the best of my ability. I will just be telling the truth as I see it in that minute. Would I be admitting to all these things, risking your scrutiny, if I were naturally dishonest? And as for pretending not to like people when I really do, how is it any different from pretending to like people when you really don't? People do this all the time. Whether it's work related, for financial reasons, or to keep the peace among friends and family, people pretend stuff like this all the time. You might ask why I would pretend such a thing. Why don't I just go out and find someone who will actually reciprocate my feelings. The truth is that I don't go looking for this scenario to happen. It just seems to be the case. I spend time with people, and I start to like them. It's not my fault that they never return the feelings. I guess I could go live in a bubble and never allow myself to ever get close to anyone. I get criticized for that as well. I can't win for losing. And besides, how can anyone like me for me? Who the hell am I? Trust me! I'm as confused and as worn out by myself as you are. Just when I think I've figured myself out, some new thought crosses my mind. I really should have created this as a list. That way I could add to it as the days go by. You will see the randomness of my thoughts and the contradictions that lie within me. I can't say how much I come alive when in a relationship because I have never been in a healthy one, but I definitely come alive when I flirt. I become vibrant and happy and free. I can feel my own glow. People say I have the right to change my mind about things. But I'm a mess. It isn't so much that I change my mind; it is the fact that my mind never settles on anything long enough to ever truly be made up. People say I'm interesting. I don't see it. To me, I'm shallow, and I've been chasing depth my entire life. It's part and parcel of losing myself every time I get involved with someone. How can I possibility be interested when there is no me? When I've never experienced life? I have a dread fear of being found out, of being discovered as an imposter, so I confess my flaws the way the religious confess their<b> sins. </font></b>I'd rather you know the truth and forgive me than to find out on your own and condemn me. So I will humbly sit at your knee, and share the worst of myself, hoping my best could be good enough to make a difference. Sometimes it seems like I am prone to changing my mind. I don't think I change my mind so much as I am not always making making conscientious decisions about things. |
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You sound like a very interesting person Sometimes my feelings surprise me too
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Maybe -- Catch-22. You change to keep people on their toes?  Cum to my blog and respond.  Have a great kissing fun time. 
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If only that were the case, lol.
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gymrat1974 replies on 5/4/2016 3:44 pm: Thanks. Interesting, maybe. Exhausted, lol, yes. Exhausted? Been spending too much time in the gym then?  you look super
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I wish that were the case. I meant it's mentally exhausting to have these many thoughts in my head.
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I wish that were the case. I meant it's mentally exhausting to have these many thoughts in my head. Anyway, for what it is worth,I find that if I do a lot of reading and keep my mind occupied and more focused with crossword puzzles and sudoku, I feel a lot better.
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I agree. My writing helps with that, too.
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