When I strip a bed I strip it of its dignity too
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Posted:Apr 16, 2017 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2017 8:02 am
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I saw the world's biggest popcorn ball today so ya'll can suck my dick !
I've mentioned this before but as they say repetition is the mother of success so I'll say it again , I find it weird when people post religious stuff on here . I'm not one of the THOSE IS A SEX SITE people obviously since my blog is as UNsexy as it gets but I do find it weird when people post stuff like that or about their or about serious political stuff . I mean I get it , this is where their sycophants are , but it's still just a bit off to me . "I'm going to look at a bunch of stranger's dicks and then post a bible verse . . . for Jesus ."
Obviously if they were the dicks of people you knew that would be completed different .
Speaking of repetition here's another "I don't understand people's kinks" monologue . The other day my buddy Cheechio "confessed" to me that being verbally degraded gets him hot . First and most importantly WHY WAS HE TELLING ME THIS ? It made me mad and I wanted to yell at him , but that would only get him horny . But secondly this is another thing I don't get . The only way it makes sense to me is if the person who likes be degraded is the most self esteem ever and it's like a treat for them because it would never legitimately happen - their whole life has been nothing but love and reinforcement their whole lives so it's like a wicked thrill for someone talk down to them , because it's a funny joke because they're so clearly awesome .
I feel degraded pretty much 24/7 so clearly that's a fetish that isn't for me . Just like none of them are seemingly . Speaking of I was thinking today (for Jesus) about how I "dated" that freaky freak from HotMatch.com Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now who was always asking me to tie her up or smack her around or put clamps on her nipples or whatnot and I was always saying "no" . And then eventually I thought "I can't say no to everything she wants to do and call this a relationship can I ?" so then I ended up going to a "sex party" with her . That happened . I was thinking about this because when we have sex Matchboobs is CLEARLY bored and I'm not sure if it's because she just doesn't like sex or because she wants to do freaky stuff but isn't comfortable asking . And I'm not sure which is worse .
I mean I'm like a sex freak like you people , but I don't think I'd be super de duper happy being with someone who doesn't like it at all but also if she's freaky then that's a whole other bag of dead monkeys to deal with . Either I have to be a wet blanket and say no all the time to do freaky stuff I don't want to do - and being in a relationship is already about doing stuff you don't want to do all the time . Where does it end ? So it got me to thinking , realistically what are the chances of finding someone who's sexually compatible with you and also compatible in other ways ? It seems like those are long odds .
I feel like maybe the best you can hope for is someone who's like 70% compatible and then you just have to decide if that's enough or if you're okay being alone . Now sure some people get lucky and find people they're more compatible . And I'm sure the answer is communication , tell he what I like , listen to what she likes , blah , blah , blah , puke . If you're both just compromising all the time what's the point ? Just break up and try someone else - and then break up with them because they put the fork in the spoon slot in the silverware draw AFTER HAVING BEEN REPEATEDLY WARNED .
Someone asked me for advice about their marriage the other day and I gave my patented 40Deuce answer "Just get divorced , I don't even understand how you two got together" . I often wonder why anyone would ask me for advice about anything .
Have I ever mentioned that I hate basements ? Because I do . Why did people start that ? Who said "You know what I want under my house ? A big pit that will slowly crumble and get water in it all the time and be infested with spiders and mole people" and why did anyone listen to them . When I tell people I'm looking for a house without a basement they 100% of the time say the same thing "what is there's a tornado ?" and I spit right in their dumb round Midwestern faces because you know how many times you or someone you know has hid in your basement and had your house get hit by a tornado and being in the basement saved your life ? ZERO times . I'll grant you it happened 2-3 times in human history but so what ? Screw you and your basement buddy .
I was talking to a dude at work the other day from who English is not his native tongue (did you ever see that porn Native Tongues ? It was pretty good but I don't think any of those women were Naïve Americans , there was a lot of anal though) . He really likes Seinfeld and he was talking about it a lot but he kept calling it a movie and I says to him I says "Seinfeld was a TV show not a movie" and he asked what the difference was and I couldn't really tell him . Because you watch movies on your TV . And there's made for TV movies . So what is the difference ? And you can't say length (because girth is more important) because there have been episodes of Game of Thrones and Walking Dead longer than some movies - the remake of Walking Tall was 54 DAMN minutes and that was a "movie" .
I feel like this happens semi-often when talking to foreigners . I'll say that B and A are something different but I can't explain why . So how do I know if they're different ? How was it explained to me ? If I can't explain the difference are they really different ?
What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater ? For me it was Temple of Doom .
Did you know that HotMatch.com Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now ranks it's members ? I knew there were "top bloggers" but I didn't know we all got ranked just on how AFFy we are . I checked out the top members in IA and I only knew who one of them is , the other's are all out in the boonies , which seems mildly interesting . The one couple that was #2 made sense because it looked like they had a lot of good videos , I mean strap-on cuckolding ? Who wouldn't watch that ? But the #1 AFFer in IA was just some broad . None of them had blogs which I found noteworthy . Maybe they spend all their time on IM and in chat rooms . HA ! Chat rooms , what is this 1997 ?
I used to go into chatrooms all the time and lure people into awkward "cybering" but I feel like all people my age did that back then . It was the golden age of being a jerk to old horny dudes . My friends were there too so it wasn't weird .
You know what I'm sick of ? People saying that something is natural meaning this somehow makes it good . You know what's natural ? Urinary tract infections ? You want one of those ? You know what else is natural ? Painful stomach bloating . You want some of that ? You know what's natural ? Having the teeth rot out of your head before you're 30 . You want to sign up for that ? No ? Then shut up about it .
PS grass fed beef is gross .
PPS - I love you you know .
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Get loose and goof a little slice of life
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Posted:Apr 14, 2017 9:31 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2017 1:56 pm
65404 Views
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Samsung finally ponied up the new TV they promised me and I have to say 55 inches is a lot more than I was expecting (TWSS) . Also because I don't really pay attention to , well anything , I just found out that Samsung phones burst into flames and Samsung TVs can be used to spy on you . Once again I have made a wise consumer decision !
Did you know you're supposed to unplug your TV if the temperature is under 50 degrees ? I didn't . Although it doesn't seem like that would come up much - how cold do you let it get in your house ? Of course since my furnace breaks every year it's probably happened here a few times .
I don't know for sure if I've ever actually shopped at Wal-Mart before today . I get why people like it so much , I got an HDMI cable for 4 damn dollars ! That's literally insane . Literally . I also see why people like to make fun of it so much because there are poor people there and poor people are gross and should be mocked by the societal betters .
My first HotMatch.com friend claimed to really be into "people watching" and one time I asked her "so you mean making fun of people right ?" and she claimed it was not that . So one time I go out to the bar with her and her friends and it was just non-stop mockery of the people around them . After that she admitted that people watching does basically just mean making fun of people and it was a realization that made her sad . Which made me sad because I wasn't trying to be moralistic , I was just being pedantic . That gal was an orgasm machine I tell you what . It's weird how women work . Some never have orgasms , other's get them at the drop of a hat (literally if it's a sexy hat) . It doesn't seem quite fair . But then if you're a woman who has a lot of orgasms are you going to donate some to the less orgasmically fortunate ? I doubt it .
Speaking of making fun of poor people I've mostly stopped watching John Oliver since the election because it's mostly just "TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP FUCK !!!" now but I did watch an episode the other day about gerrymandering and at the end they made the point that democrats kind of fuck themselves over by flocking to the same places , to some degree they're gerrymandering themselves . The dude being interviewed said "Until we can make places like Des Moines and Raleigh and Columbus cool the democrats are going to have problems" which led into a funny bit of mock outrage about Des Moines not being cool .
I noticed that my soap in addition to say "for external use only" also says "for use on hands only" and "not for ophthalmological use" . Which seems redundant - I mean if you're only supposed to use it on your hands I think we can safely assume you're not supposed to rub it in your eye . Also who's going to intentionally put soap in their eye ? I'm sure it's some kind of BDSM thing , soap play . The point is what is the deal with this soap where it's only safe for your hands ? Why can't I wash my face with it ?
I did care at all about Thor Ragnarok until I found out they're incorporating the Planet Hulk storyline into it - now I love it the most ! Well not as much as Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 but still quite a lot . When I was a lad loved the Incredible Hulk but as I got older I drifted away from what is a pretty limited character for storytelling - but the Planet Hulk turn was good stuff . Although I still think it would have been better if they lured the Hulk into the rocket with a pizza .
"Hey Hulk , you want some pizza ?" then WHAM ! Shot into outerspace . The Silver Surfer is probably not going to show up in this movie though , which is a bummer not because I care about the Silver Surfer really but that was a sweet part of the story .
Do you ever do that fun thing where the same person almost crashes into you 3-7 times in the parking lot because they're going between cars and the wrong way and so forth and generally just making one bad decision after another ?
When someone cuts me off in traffic or whatnot I try to keep my cool because everyone makes mistakes , no reason to assume that person is an asshole who does that kind of thing all the time , but when you've IDed someone as a asshole that's different . That's when I want to slingshot a beehive into their junk .
Remember that movie Candyman where the dude from Night of the Living Dead gets killed by bees ? Of course you do . Anyway , in the story we're given to believe that smearing him with honey somehow incites the bees to kill him . Which doesn't make a lick of sense really . Why would bees sting into their honey ? Do you punch your food before you eat it ? You do ? Well you're a freak , but everyone else doesn't . I'm not sure how you get bees to kill people . I'm sure you can pheromone them into doing it somehow - pretty sure that's how the CIA got leader of the Indonesian Communist Party back in '67 .
I'm still working on my Beetlejuice , Bloody Mary , Candyman , Biggie Smalls action/adventure team-up script . Beetlejuice is the wild card/comedy relief/face , Candyman is the muscle , Biggie is the brains , and Mary is the woman .
Speaking of dumb scripts being at the doctor's office the other day reminded me of the one I wrote where the dude goes to the doctor and the doctor starts acting all weird and eventually the police show up to take the dude away , he runs , and progressively finds that more and more people are after him - culminating with his picture being all over the place and citizens being urged to turn him in right before he finally gets home - where his wife betrays him and hands him over to the military . He's flown to a secret Himalayan palace-fortress where it's revealed there's a dude who can control minds , who runs the world - although mostly he just let people do whatever as long as he gets whatever he wants all the time . But the protagonist has some mental idiosyncrasy that makes him immune to the mastermind's powers - which is why everyone was after him .
It's a weak script , there's basically no third act and no good way to end it , but it would make for a killer opening to a trailer where the dude says to his woman "You ever have one of those days where you feel like the entire world is against you ?" and then super sweet jump cut to all these action scenes of people trying to get him .
Huh , I guess that's it .
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The war on sex
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Posted:Apr 10, 2017 4:18 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2017 2:46 pm
67116 Views
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I'd like to start it . The war on drugs , the war on poverty and the war on Christmas were all unbridled successes - I mean when's the last time you saw a poor person doing drugs on Christmas ? Ergo , I feel it's time for a war on sex . Why you ask ? Because I've decided I don't like it and I want to ruin it for everyone else . This comes from my investigation into my perceived preference amongst women for rough sex .
The investigation led me to an article written by a professional wrestler , trainer , professional cosplayer , pin-up , Playboy and fetish model - who I feel is qualified to speak for all women everywhere all the time . Clearly this women's voice is the one that can be applied across all womanhood .
Here's an excerpt ;
However, our heads still turn when we see the guy with the loud, fast car or the motorcycle. We want tattooed, muscled and pierced. He’s ex military, in a rock band or a crazy surfer. We want that because, quite honestly, he looks like trouble. Trouble means he will probably throw us down and ram us hard from behind, while pulling our fucking hair. (Read: Not yank. Pull.) We want to be nipped at, tied up, spanked, and told what to do. We want you to hold us down and lick our pussy until we can’t take it anymore…and then we want you to do it again with your fingers teasing our ass at the same time. If you won’t, we’ll eventually find someone who will. At least once. That’s just how it is.
Sidenote what exactly is a crazy surfer ? Like a dude that tries to surf on a piece of celery instead of a surfboard ? Or like a guy who surfs and has a dissociative disorder .
The rest of the article is all the same kind of stuff , women all have (banned topic) fantasies , they're attracted to assholes , they make decisions all day so they want to give up control , blah , blah , blah etc. etc. ad nauseam .
So I decided that I don't like sex anymore (if I ever did) and because I don't like it no one should have it . Now you might be saying "Hasn't our society had a war on sex going on for decades ?" And the answer is yes , but it's a bullshit US-Russia Cold War kind of thing (did you know that even at the height of the cold war US and the USSR were each other's biggest trade partners ? ) I want to ramp up the war on sex to a no holds barred UK-France 100 years war kind of thing where both sides end up broken beyond repair .
Who's with me ?
You know what else I'm sick of ? People talking about the "friend zone" enough already . Shut up about it . No one cares . By which I mean I don't care . And I am no one .
Did you know that there's 9 justices on the Supreme Court because of the 9 Egyptian god's that presided over the inherence of the universe between Horus and Set after Osiris was killed ? I didn't . I find it interested how much pagan stuff has influenced our modern world .
I heard someone say today "don't get your Bat-panties in a bunch"
I'm curious what the context was . They have to have been taking about Batman right ? I mean what kind of person would just add in "Bat" in that scenario besides me ?
Have I already mentioned my movie idea where Adam West , Michael Keaton , Val Kilmer , George Clooney , the dude from American Psycho and Ben Affleck use their wealth and power to fund and actual Batman style vigilante ? Also they're like buddies and hang out .
Some people pride themselves on knowing all the answers and when they're asked an unanswerable question , they crack .
And some of those people then go on to discover the answer to that question . And then they start asking questions of their own .
I wouldn't say this is a fantasy of mine , or a fetish or what have you , but it is an image that pops into my mind from time to time . I'm having sex with a lady in the style of a dog , and she's eating a pie - not like with a knife and fork off a plate but just with her face smashed into it pie eating contest style . And while we're doing it and she's eating the pie I'm berating her for it and calling her a pig .
This mental image is kind of the perfect storm of my dumb psyche as it combines my hatred for my own fatness , my fears and anxiety about sex , and my low to medium grade misogyny .
So I got that going for me .
Here's a listicle about doggy style
1. It's a great way to hit the G-spot. Doggy-style sex is perfect for deep penetration that will hit the G-spot, so it's great for women who like it deep and basically any guy ever. And although manuals as old as the Kama Sutra and even relatively recent guides recommend it, some studies do dispute the idea of a g-spot. Still, it's a great way to achieve deep penetration regardless.
(I read another article recently that said all women hate doggy style because there's no clitoral stimulation , although I am going to conduct a study that disputes the idea of the clitoris)
2. It's part of a bigger family of "rear entry" sex positions. Doggy style isn't the only way to have sex from behind; doggy style is part of the "rear entry" group of sex positions that range from downward dog (yes, like the yoga position) and froggy to reverse cowgirl. So if you find the "standard" doggy style too uncomfortable, you've got plenty of options: use a pillow under your stomach or even brace yourself against a chair.
(If you can have sex in downward I commend you)
3. It's really, really old. You think Snoop Dogg was the first person to reference the sex position in 1992? No way. Ancient Greeks and Romans have artwork and literature referencing the sex position; Roman philosopher Lucretius even recommended it for couples trying to conceive (please note that this has no actual scientific basis).
(No I didn't think that because I an not complete idiot)
4. Lots of songs reference the sex position. Lots. According to Genius, there are over 1,600 songs that address the topic, at least in passing. "P.I.M.P." by 50 cent, "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang, and "Back That Thing Up" by Justin Moore (which is a country song about doggy-style sex in a barn, and it's just as good as it sounds).
(I remember after I had sex for the first time I realized every song ever was about it - especially the Star Spangled Banner - think about it)
5. It's called "doggy style" but plenty of other animals mate that way ... including horses, camels, giraffes, and elephants.
(Dumb)
6. ... and tons of animals don't. Whales, dolphins, and spiders forsake the position. And primates like chimpanzees don't use it exclusively.
(Dumb)
7. It's not just for vaginal sex. Feel free to engage in anal sex and cunnilingus while you're back there. "Doggy style" can refer to any of those things, not just sex from behind.
(Thanks , I will feel free to engage in anal sex - blame Cosmo ladies ! )
8. If you've tried it, you're actually in the minority. According to a study by the National Survey of Family Growth, only 44 percent of men and 36 percent of women have tried it at least once. Congratulations if you're in that club.
(Not sure I believe this , but I suppose there's a lot of parts of the world where maybe people aren't so freaky)
9. It's a favorite for a lot of guys. According to a Women's Health poll, men list it as their favorite sex position, trumping old standbys like missionary.
(Missionary is the worst , maybe because I'm a fatso , I hate it the most which is a bummer because all women hate doggy style . It's like some kind of cruel joke)
Now here are some tips on winning a pie eating contest .
Eat as much as you can in the days leading up to the event. This stretches out your stomach so you'll be able to eat more, faster. On the day of the contest, don't eat anything; just drink lots of water and tea. Have a friend tie your hands behind your back and practice eating pie. Stick your face right down into the pie as soon as the contest begins. You have to get down and dirty to win! Stick out your tongue and use it to pull the pieces of the pie into your mouth. Repeat this method as you begin to clean each pie plate.
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I like thin crust pizza and thick ass women
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 8:33 am
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2017 1:43 pm
66879 Views
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Did you know that sometimes people don't have sex ? No , it's true ! Even people like me who by all rights should never even have the chance to have sex let alone refuse it . But it happens .
One time I met up with a gal from HotMatch.com (Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now) and we got right down to business . We're on her bed in her apartment fooling around and I realize I'm touching bare human skin but she hasn't taken any clothes off yet . That's when I realize there's a naked dude passed out (or maybe just a really heavy sleeper) on said bed . I say to her I say "Is this dude just going to hang out while we bang or what ?" And she gets pissed and wakes the dude and up there's some back and forth there . Then she says he can stick around and we can double up on her but he wasn't having it . He seemed annoyed that I was there . So he leaves and then she says she needs to go into the bathroom for 10 minutes and when she comes out we can have sex . So into the bathroom she goes and before the door swings shut I see her picking up a syringe . At the time I thought she was shooting dope but looking back on it now I suppose it's possible she was diabetic . But probably dope . Anyway , I bailed .
It's really hard to find a pic of a black dude and a white dude double up on a lady which is sad - I thought we were living in a post racial world .
Another time when people were back in town for my 10 year HS reunion word reached me that Daisy Sellemy wanted to bang me and she was staying at such and such hotel . So I give her a jingle and my first legit booty call is on like Donkey Kong . So I get to the hotel and as I'm about to knock on the door it opens and Philip Rivers (not that one) comes out ! Daisy is wear a robe and her hair is all tousle and he's getting his clothes arranged , they clearly just got done fucking . And then she's all like "come on in" . It was too much for me . I had only slept with two women at that point , I couldn't handle that kind of action . Also what was her deal ? Was she sleeping with the entire class ?
Dang , Philip Rivers (that one) has 8 , I mean I know he's Catholic but that's a bit much . I was going to make a joke about his wife's pussy but you know what , she seems like I nice lady so I'm no going to do it . 40deuce , taking the high road .
If I've learned anything from Television (my true love) it's that if you try to keep your options open with two women you'll end up losing both of them - there will probably be a drink comedicly tossed in your face . But the good news is that Television has also taught me that nothing is really ever gained or lost you just go onto the next episode like nothing happen and those people are never mentioned again .
What happened to Donna's sister ? What happen to her ?!
Did you know that the Oompa-Loompas used to be humans ? You see what happens is when people are given a tour of the factory or wander in or what have you the various unsafe contraptions usually disable a couple of them and then they're restrained and slowly transformed into Oompa-Loompas by shoveling immense amounts of special candy into them . There is no Loompaland , it's all a scam . And once you're an orange skinned monster with strange hair you really have no choice other than to work as slave labor in a factory . Or become president . Boom !
Munchkins are a natural race though . Not sure about Grunga-Lungas or Chumba-Wumbas .
Now for the daily dose of nihilism . The other day Matchboobs asked if I wanted to get together and I said to her something along the lines of that it had been a long day and I didn't really want to go out but that I knew she was looking forward to it and I wanted to be attentive to her needs so if she wanted to I could get up for it . And she acted like this was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her in her life .
This is something that seems to happen in 80% of my relationships , I do something at the bare minimum of niceness and it gets over like 18 dozen roses and a string quartet . And it makes me uncomfortable because if the bar is set that low does that mean most guys are just complete and unredeemable assholes ? Honestly I barely meet the lowest level of requirements to be a nice person , I'm not terribly considerate , but I get this reaction semi-often .
Has every other guy these women have dated been an utter shitheel ? That's the only way my brain can make sense of it . That can't be true though . It just can't . The smallest act of human kindness cannot be that big of a deal .
The 2016 AVN awards were on last night , can you believe Gangbang Me 2 won Best Orgy ? What a crock of shit . At least Eddie Powell and Gabrielle Anex won best editing .
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When I get on, I like to ride and glide
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Posted:Apr 8, 2017 8:07 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2017 1:41 pm
66241 Views
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Portrait of a man at work , the only work he's ever done , the only work he knows . His name is Henry Francis Valentine , but he calls himself "Rocky" because that's the way his life has been – rocky and perilous and uphill at a dead run all the way . He's tired now , tired of running or wanting , of waiting for the breaks that come to others but never to him , never to Rocky Valentine . A scared , angry little man . He thinks it's all over now but he's wrong . For Rocky Valentine , it's just the beginning .
I tell you I like the sound of the name Henry Francis Valentine . And not just because people could call you Hank Frank .
Why do so many women like biting ? Are they cannibals ? I hate being bitten . But hey you know me I don't like anything . It's been said .
Why are so many women into rope bondage I often wondered . An explanation was offered up to me recently , beyond the usual "loss of control" thing which I will never understand (maybe it would be different if I felt like I had any control over my life) which was that when you're all roped up you don't have to do anything other than lay there . You can't as a matter of fact . I guess there's lazy kinksters too .
I drank lemonade with pear juice today . It was THE BEST .
One time I complained about how people never talk about sex so if you have awkward sex it usually doesn't get much better . Then a lady asked me about a finger up the ass during oral and I completely froze and said nothing , and the she asked me again and I still didn't really say anything . I hate being reminded that I'm a hypocrite . Silver lining she fingered my asshole anyway .
The FBI told you not to use drugs . Did they ever warn you about gambling ? No ? Good .
Since I am in the midst of a (probably fruitless) housing search I was comparing my finances with Jimmy the Virgin because I couldn't understand how he was able to pay so much more for his mortgage than I was when I make more money than him (slightly) . In crunching the numbers I realized that dating is basically like having a second mortgage . Even in a dirtwater burg like Des Moines every time you go out you're dropping 50 bucks minimum , going out 3-4 times a week in a month that's more than my mortgage payment . That's kind of messed up . I've jokingly said that I can't afford to date before but it might be true .
Speaking of housing it's amusing how many houses are completely perfect except for one massive flaw . What kind of monster doesn't have central air in Iowa ? Why would you put a half bath on the master bedroom ? A downstairs kitchen ? Four single car garages ?
First you get the chemtrails , then you get the Twitter followers , then you get the power .
I'm currently being ostracized because I have never seen Goodfellas or the Godfather . It's kind of nice .
The other night I met Big Boob's husband and he's a uggo ! Like a bad one , he's uglier than me even . I knew he was a jerk so to get Big Boobs for a wife I assumed he had to be handsome as fuck . Now I see why she never spends any time with the dude . But how did they get married in the first place ? Are beards still a thing ? Doesn't seem like they would be ? Is it called a beard when a lesbian does it ? Also where does that expression come from ? Is it some kind of association with beardiness as manliness and gayness and femininity ?
These will be my only comments on the matter .
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Care Bear Stare
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Posted:Apr 2, 2017 2:39 pm
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2017 7:46 pm
68296 Views
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I lost a watcher while I was out of town ! God damn interns . And I was getting so close to having more watchers than Super BJ . Mass your armies at my gates Super BJ - I will never give in !
So Cal Val posts this on the Twitter when she gets a new fan ;
Which is slightly annoying . I'm thinking about unfollowing her because she tweets all the damn time , but so pretty . . .
Anyway , I watched the new Dave Chappelle special this weekend and it was a mixed bag . As per usual I feel he was funnier before he was a big star . One particularly annoying thing was he laughed at his own material regularly . He was a bit too pleased with himself . But he had some funny bits . This is going to be stupid , I warn you of that in advance . One thing I really identified with was when he was talking about the Care Bears . I mean it's funny because its incongruous to think of Dave watching the Care Bears but also it was nice to know because as a youngster I could never admit to liking them - I got enough pine cones shoved up my ass by bullies you know ? I mean caring about things and being nice ? That's for GIRLS ! Sidenote how does that happen ? When I was little even before the media brainwashed me that men repress all feelings and emotions my peers were already hard at work making me dead on the inside . Such as when I was 5 if I said "I kind of like Strawberry Shortcake" I would get punched in the eye . Or when I cried in the movie theater when Spock died and Danny Denison saw me everyone mocked me relentlessly . How did they know to do that ? Is it just natural ?
Side-sidenote I wasn't crying just because of the fact that Spock died , I didn't really care for Spock but I was touched by his sacrifice to save the rest of the crew . I mean I was six for fuck's sake , I was being exposed to the concept of dying for a greater purpose for the first time . Of course I cried .
Anyway Dave was talking about how 'millennials' ("I'm really starting to hate that term) don't care about anything , which is not really fair , but that's incidental really . He talked about how the Care Bears went around spreading joy and love and when the bad shit happened they didn't get mad , they got determined and they linked arms and they employed the Care Bear stare - and then he made a joke about jacking off on tits , which kind of ruined but I suppose he had to do something like that . And then he talked about how mad everyone is now .
We need to be more like the Care Bears .
Right now we get mad which is unproductive , we need to get determined instead .
Right everyone is whirling around madly on their own like a broken bumper car , we need to link arms and work together instead .
Right now we look away from the bad shit happening , we need to stare right at it .
I'd like to be Tenderheart Bear but let's face it , I'm Grumpy Bear . See I told it was stupid .
I also watched the Scarlet Pimpernel , it was delightful - and 1982 Jane Seymour ? Hubba-hubba you know ?
Huh , this is turning into a blog just about shows I watched . That's how you rake in the watchers !
I watched an episode of a Netflix show called LOVE . In said episode the chick from Community (the blonde not the one with the rack) dumped a dude who was on two episodes of the Office and is vaguely memorable for having small roles in a lot of things . And he took said dumping in stride so the chick from Community made a point of needling him about how well he was taking it and he kind of shrugged it off so she kept after him and finally she said "bye" and he said "bye . . . " . Upon hearing this my lady friend remarked "it's always interesting when people reveal their true colors" . I found this interesting for two reasons .
First of all I have had this experience before where a woman dumps me and I'm like "okay" and then she keeps coming at me and I realized that she needs there to be some drama - we can't just break up , it has to be a whole "thing" right . So I make a snarky comment and then she screams at me and says I have a little dick and she hopes I die and I ruined her life everyone's happy .
But second and more importantly I found this interesting that she thoughts that people reveal their true selves when they're mad because I believe the exact opposite . I generally disregard anything anyone says when they're mad because in the heat of the moment I feel like people say thing's they don't mean , whereas obviously she has the exact opposite idea . Which is interesting .
As I mulled this over I wondered if it was a gender thing . Such as , I see saying something in a heat of anger as acting out of emotion , and emotion is not the real person - that's them when they're impaired by stupid feelings . Whereas perhaps she sees it as that when you're acting emotionally that's who you really are and it's when you're "in control" that you're not being your true self .
It's something to puzzle over for sure . Perhaps there is no "true self" .
So anyway , how many pizzas did you order for you WrestleMania party ?
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They're going ass to mouth and puking out their dicks !
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Posted:Mar 30, 2017 8:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 2, 2017 1:55 pm
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That's what a dude said about millennials today in disgust . Not sure exactly what he meant but I have to say old men complaining about young people sure has changed from the days of "Get off my lawn !"
Isn't it funny how when you single all you see is couples and when you're part of a couple all you see is implements with which you could bludgeon yourself to death ?
In completely unrelated news Matchboobs and I were hanging (and not banging) at my dumb house and we were doing whatever on the COMPUTER and she noticed in my internet history the websites Brazzers and Pornhub , which you may or may not know are repositories of the classiest erotica available to mankind today . So she asked me what they were . Sidenote , do you really think she didn't know or was she seeing if I would try to lie about it ? Women are crafty like that ya know . So I says to her I says "Those are porn sites , you go there to watch people bang ." So then she asked me why I would visit porn sites when I had said that I don't have very much of a sex drive . And I go "Sex and masturbation really don't have anything to do each other ."
Which is a statement I stand behind - I don't think jerking off is any more like sex than watching basketball is like playing basketball . They're somewhat related obviously but I wouldn't put them in the same genre . Unless that genre is things you shouldn't do at the post office .
They say being in a relationship is healthy but I can't see how . When you're in a relationship you eat more , exercise less , sleep less and have more stress - what's the healthy part ? I guess you occasionally might get to have sex which is supposedly healthy aside from all the herpes . I don't see how that's a net gain though .
One of the knife and fork operators at work asked me how to dump a girl without being honest and just saying he didn't want to see her anymore . So I advised that he just start asking for anal sex all the time . And he asked "What if she's into it ?" and I says to him I says "Then why would you want to break up with her ?"
Classic guy line .
So then I told him he should say that's got an STD but he didn't want to do that either . People are weird - if you're dumping someone why would you care what they think about you ?
Later that same day some of the drain donors are work were talking about suppressing erections (because that's the kind of thing you talk about at work right) and different techniques for doing so . I wasn't participating , because why would I , so Ugly Johnny asks me what I do to kill an erection and I say that I've never tried and everyone freaked out and started asking about all the "embarrassing" times to get an erection . And I said "I think you're wildly overestimated the amount of time people spend examining your crotch ."
How would anyone even notice your erection ? I don't know about you but I wear pants (grudgingly) . And basically pants make it look like you have an erection every time you sit down anyway . Also even if someone did notice what do you think is going to happen ? They're going to point and shout to everyone that you've got an erection ?
Also I'm almost 40 , I spend my energy trying to GET erections you know ?
When time travel first came around it was a real mess . People skipped over weeks just because they weren't interested in them ; they dropped iPods in the 19th century just to see what would happen ; and some jokester traveled to the beginning of Time and tried to convince God that life would be a lot funnier if he made two genders with completely different priorities .
So we had to come up with a few basic rules which are as follows ;
It is poor form to travel through time to witness a historical event . Imagine , if you will , being a major historical figure who has a hundred people show up just to watch you get shot in the back of the head .
Yes , you can go back and become your own grandfather , but this gets awkward when going through the family photos years later .
If you time it just right , you can go back and meet yourself . But you're not that interesting to talk to in the first place .
Preventing yourself from being born is horribly impolite .
Elvis is dead . You don't need to check .
It is rude to inform your best friend how he or she is to die , even if you say "spoiler" first .
If you accidentally step on a butterfly while visiting the Jurassic era , you must immediately travel back a little further and step on the butterfly's grandfather . This will prevent the butterfly from ever existing , and thus from being stepped on by you . Paradox averted .
Sadly , time tourists hardly visit the 21st century , primarily because nothing interesting happened in it . Cancer isn't due to be cured until the 23rd , and politics won't make any sense again until the 28th . Anyone hoping to hitchhike will have to wait at least a good century , by which point they'll probably be complaining about the future not being the past despite this being a logical improbability .
You know in that Dear Liza/Henry/Bucket song I always thought Liza seemed liked kind of a bitch , but now as an adult it makes more sense me because clearly she's tired of having to explain every little thing to his Henry fellow . You'd be annoyed too if you had to explain to someone how to fix a bucket , I mean that's just common sense . Clearly Henry is a moron and if we've learned anything it's that it's okay to treat stupid people badly , which is paradoxically people stupid people need the most help .
Remember the time Smoochie drilled a hole in a bucket and then tried to fuck it and then got his dick caught in said buckethole and then Endo kicked the bucket off and it tore a bunch of skin off his junk and he had to go to the hospital and there was cock blood everywhere ? I do . I think that's the main difference between men and women , women don't fuck buckets, like ever .
Women get a raw deal mostly , I stipulate that , but there are some advantages . Such as sexting . A lot more choices for a woman . As a dude if a lady asks you to sext her a sexy sext sex picture you really only have one choice . I mean I guess if you're in good shape you could just do a shirtless deal but you aren't . All you've got is the dick and you can't even snap a pic of it as is , you wants to see a flaccid floppy wiener ? Sickos , that's who . So first you got to get hard , which is like a whole ordeal . Of course a lady would never ask for that so perhaps it's a moot point . Or a mute point as my dumb boss says . No matter how many times I correct him .
I generally try not to discuss heavy real life stuff on my blog because who wants to read that ? But I'm going to say this . I went to visit my uncle last weekend and it was super depressing . He's been battling cancer for a while now and this was the first time he really looked weak and sick . Which was bad enough but always before he's had the attitude that he's going to beat it and had a really strong personal faith but this time I could tell he's doubting everything . I don't know if I believe in God and Jesus or what but nevertheless it's sad to me when someone who truly believes loses their faith - and there aren't many true believers out there if you ask me .
This is a real insight on my part , cancer sucks , but it really does take everything away from you because it's such a slow process sometimes that lasts for years . Like if you find out that you're going to die in a few weeks I can see you accepting that as God's will . But if you're going to just get weaker and weaker and feel like shit all the time for 2-5 years and have everyone pity you all the time how can your faith survive that ?
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Why some wrestlers wear women's underwear
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Posted:Mar 25, 2017 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2017 6:33 pm
70031 Views
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You can't not touch my dick for 40 minutes of foreplay and then look down your nose at me because I have floppy dick syndrome when you finally want to bang . Erections don't last forever , there comes a time when you have to fuck of get off the cock you know what I mean ?
Having sex with someone for the first time is always interesting because sex is always the same but also it's different ? Why would you not touch a dick ? If you don't want to suck a dick that's fine but why would you not touch it ? And yes I realized that technically you're touching it when it's inside you but that doesn't count .
A total collapse of modern civilization would be a serious blow to the already sluggish economy .
Remember that time I was playing craps and I was betting the don't come line and the croupier asked me why and I said "I always bet don't come when on a woman shooter" and everyone laughed their asses off ? That was by a wide margin the best thing I'll ever do in my life .
Once in a while people hassle me with the argument that if you don't have you're a bad person because you have a capability of give them a good life and blah blah blah . This would only make sense if there were X number of born each year and they were distributed to whoever wanted them . I mean it would make sense then to prevent poor people from getting because they'rd grow up to be poor and poor people are gross . But that's not how it works . Anyone can have , like literally anyone . Steve Buscemi can have , Paul Lazenby can have . Amy Klobuchar can have . Anyone . If you ask me having at all is wildly irresponsible give the number of people already running around this joint . People like Serena Williams .
The United States Senate is the smaller more deliberative chamber of Congress . It is sometimes known as the upper body of the Congress due to the great number of boobs it possesses , whereas the House of Representatives is known as the lower body due to the great number of dicks it possesses . Since the passage of the Rastafarian Act of 198 7, the Senate has also been known as the Higher chamber of Congress .
As set forth in Constitution all members of the Senate must be certifiably senile . Members may attain this status either through dementia or extreme age , but no one with a sound mind may hold a seat in the Senate.
This requirement stemmed from the Founding Fathers' desire to create two legislative bodies: the lower house would represent the interests of the people and be elected on the basis of direct campaign spending by the people , while the upper house would represent no one , get very little done , generally be a roadblock that would place a check on the excesses of popular whim while working to preserve things "the way they were in the good old days" and make an ass of the country as a whole .
As such any legislation requires both the approval of the House of Representatives , where approval can be attained by submitting the proper to the House Commission of Bribery , and the approval of the Senate , where approval can be obtained if you sit patiently and listen to the Senators' long rambling stories and tell them that their grandchildren are very impressive or by the NRA .
The Senate is made up of two representatives from each State in the Union , a request granted after Rhode Island threatened to walk out of the Constitutional Convention in a huff "and take my shaking religious minorities with me" if it didn't get its way . Once elected , Senators serve until their death , which tends to be about six years from election . They may , however , stand for re-election as zombies .
Originally the Senate was elected by the State Legislatures , who would simply promote their most senile member whenever there was a vacancy . However , following a Constitutional Amendment , Senators are now chosen on the basis of who can kiss enough babies without killing one - this change drastically reduced the number of zombies able to be elected .
The presiding officer of the Senate is called the Senate Majority Leader and is chosen on the basis of who can go the longest without accidentally saying something bad about minorities .
The U.S. Senate is currently made up of 77 members of the Libertarian Party , 25 members of the Green Party , 7 Democrats , 2 Republicans and a clock maker from Montana .
Perhaps the most famous Senate Procedure is the filibuster r, in which a member prevents passage of legislation by continuing to talk so long that the other Senators get bored , wander off and can't vote on the bill . This can be done because the Senate requires 60 votes to close debate and vote .
The 60 vote requirement was another measure added by the Founders to prevent hasty action , but it also proved problematic . Prior to the admittance of the 30th State , there were fewer than sixty Senators , so once it started , debate could not be closed because there were not enough votes to attain cloture . Thus , the Senate only infrequently attempted to debate anything until 1817 , when it began a debate about what brand of ham to purchase for the Senate lunch room . Unable to bring the measure to a vote, the debate continued for 31 years until the admission of the State of Wisconsin brought the 59th and 60th Senators to Washington , allowing debate to end . Wisconsin demanded that they should receive compensation for providing the Senators necessary to bring the measure to a vote . The Senate agreed , but realizing that they were broke (as usual), decided to ship the pork they had just ordered for their lunch room to Wisconsin , in place of monetary compensation . This incident led to the phrase "pork-barrel" politics .
The senate possesses a little known power mentioned in Article Four paragraph six of the Constitution which states that when Gaius Julius Caesar enters the Senate, the senators , if fulfilling the conditions of wearing togas , holding daggers, and having a nearby statue of Pompeii , have the power to assassinate Caesar . This power has been used once in the history of the American Senate , during the Spanish-American War .
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Love is eternal
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Posted:Mar 22, 2017 7:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 25, 2017 8:00 am
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Black holes last a long time .
But they eventually evaporate through Hawking radiation .
When the black hole era of our universe comes to an end , black holes will evaporate one by one , with the smallest evaporating faster.
The largest black hole in the universe would be the last to evaporate , a final outpost of irregularity in a universe fading toward heat death .
I can't decide if I should post a picture of a black pussy here or a black asshole . I mean asshole has the world hole in it so it seems like the clear choice and yet . . .
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Lies and the lying liars that lie them
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Posted:Mar 20, 2017 6:59 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2017 7:50 pm
72178 Views
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I am reticent to be the 7788 thousandth person (today) to write a blog about lying liars but at least I'll be coming at it from a slightly different angle (like I did with your momma last night ! hi-oh ! ) in that the liar in question is me .
I lied to the Matchdate Von Jigglytits (pictured above [not really]) for the first (probably not the last) time yesterday . I was feeling her out (figuratively sadly) on her feelings about me (40deuce) having female friends and continuing to be friends with them - which would include me sometimes spending time with them . In the course of said feeling out process she asked me how I know someone that I know from this site and I said "from a writing website" which is a HUGE FAT LIE because in case no on mentioned it THIS IS A SEX SITE . The funny (sad) thing is the part of my brain that is way into lying , which I will call the Lance Armstrong Lobe , was all like "you're both just on here to blog so in a way it's true" . I hate that fucking lobe . If you ever think something that ends with "so in a way it's true" you are a garbage person .
Anyway obviously I said this because if I had said "oh I know her from a fucksite you know where people go to fuck" that would have been the end of that . For that matter if she knew I was on this site at all that would be the end because she's a normie . So should I quit this blog so I can date her ? Or just lie about it ? I mean this blog is dumb as hell so who cares but on the other hand why should I have to quit something I like for no real reason ?
So I got to wondering is it possible to have a relationship without lying ? I mean obviously I know literally it's possible so I guess what I really mean is is it practical to have a relationship without lying ? Just as obviously the Pollyanna answer is "Of course , if you tell someone the truth , expose your true self and they reject you then they weren't the right person for you" which is 100% bullshit . It ain't that easy life is a little more complicated than that .
Or maybe it's not maybe I'm just a huge piece of shit and good people can tell the truth all the time and still be happy and committed to one another . I guess how would I know ? I wouldn't .
And as long as I'm revealing myself to be a monster I've realized once again that there really is no pleasing me . When I don't have a woman I'm all like "waa-waa I'm lonely !" and then when I get a woman I'm all like "waa-waa I have to make an effort !" Why can't I just have everything I want without making any sacrifices of any kind whatsoever ? Is that too much to ask for ?
It is ?
Oh . Well . Shit .
Moving on . Remember Schick Hydro Silk and how they had the commercial about trimming your vag hair ? I do because I blogged about it THREE damn times . I just say they have a commercial now with anthropomorphic razor-woman which a HUGE purple rack . So if you thought your Hydro Silk razor wasn't a monster with a razor head and massive tits you were wrong . I tried to find an image but the internet has failed me again . Perhaps the general populace isn't as obsessed with women's razor's commercials as I am .
Speaking of huge and purple (hi-oh ! ) I made a comment the other day about how I had never seen a penis in a state that made me think "purple headed warrior" and then the other day when I was jerking it (like a winner ! ) the head of my dick got super de duper purple . Does this mean ;
A. I just never paid attention to my dick before
OR
B. It heard me talking about it and changed its behavior
If I hit a deer and my car is smashed to bits insurance will get me a new car . So what I need is for a Megaloceros to smash into my house so I can get me a new house . Now they're extinct so this will require either cloning and or time travel , I don't care which - take your pick and make it happen .
And finally the other day when for the 5th time in a row a house I wanted to look at had an offer came in before I could my realtor (who's a real piece of ass you feel me ? ) said one of the reasons this is happening is because I am looking at "nice houses" . At first this seemed like an odd thing for a realtor to say but then I realized it makes total sense . Because most houses (like most people) are shitty . Which means realtors mostly sell shitty houses unless they're some kind of rich person realtor .
Which is kind of sad . I assume realtor would want to sell nice houses all the time but that just ain't how the world works .
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In Russia pussy eats you !
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Posted:Mar 19, 2017 8:04 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2017 7:37 pm
71634 Views
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Remember that time I was talking in my sleep and I was saying "sit on my face" and my lady at the time thought I was awake so she did and I woke up and felt like I was being smothered ? You know , because I was being smothered .
I shouldn't joke , 6400 people die from sexual related smothering every year - and these statistics are from BEFORE choking became trendy . Seriously people choking is like Pokémon Go was a year ago - it's all anyone does and I don't get it .
I've always been jealous of women because when they have an unsatisfying sexual experience or fail to get laid or what have you they can say "I shaved for me legs for THIS ?" which is fantastic . I think I've finally found the male equivalent though "I decollapsed my opera hat for THIS ?" You could also say Gibus but no one calls a silk opera hat a Gibus anymore so you risk sounding pedantic and/or hipstery .
I've always wondered what a Scarlet Pimpernel is , turns out it's a kind of flower and not as I suspected a portmanteau of and kernel . Colonel at your service sir . I read the Scarlet Pimpernel when I was a lad and I LOVED it . I just re-read it and it was "okay" at best . It's almost like books that were great to me 30 years ago don't stand up so well to me now . Is it possible that in some small way I've changed in 3 decades ? Anyway apparently the Scarlet Pimpernel was the inception of the whole superhero genre not in that he had any sort of super powers (although being alive in 1700s France and not having syphilis was kind of a super power) but because of the vigilante with a secret identity aspect . I've always know that Batman was more or less a direct rip off of Zorro but what I didn't know is that Zorro was more or less a direct rip off of the Scarlet Pimpernel .
SP came around in 1905
Zorro was in 1919
Batman was in 1939
Following that progression sometime in the 1950 we should have had a new and improved rip off of Batman but all we got was The Phantom Stranger - which sent the whole thing spinning the other direction because what did we get in the 80's ?Atari Force . Clearly something has done wrong . What I am suggesting is that we start over with a Scarlet Pimpernel reboot starring Scarlet Johansson .
Revelation 14-20 says 'They were trampled in the winepress outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia.' I don't remember reading about that AT ALL . Sounds like bad news . I mean what the hell is going on ? I know the book of Revelations is mostly about bad shit going down Antichrist style but that's a lot of blood .
The 14th/20th King's Hussars was a cavalry regiment of the British Army . It was created by the amalgamation of the 14th King's Hussars and the 20th Hussars in 1922
A new lady started in our office this week and people were freaking out because she's a former Miss Greater Des Moines Area . Which I found to be highly amusing . I am vaguely aware that Miss America and Miss Universe (which should be called Miss Earth rightfully , I have yet to see any contestants from any other part of the universe) exist but what I had never considered is that there's a process . You don't just BECOME Miss Iowa . First you have to win all kinds of local beauty pageants . You gotta be the Pork Princess and the Queen of the Iowa State Fair and a bunch of other bullshit . And I know that I of all people should not cast stones but I looking at some of these events it's pretty sad stuff . Five women standing around a Hojo conference room in bedazzled long gowns waiting for a gross old man to put a plastic crown on their head ? But it has to start somewhere right ?
What exactly is the point of beauty pageants in this day and age anyway ? I feel like the internet and social media and whatnot does a pretty dang good job of denying the full humanity of women and placing them as the subject of objectification while simultaneously reinforcing the idea that a woman's only purpose is to look attractive .
Remember that time I got into it with the panel of judges for the 1973 Miss Amsterdam pageant at a woman's conference in Bismarck ? THAT was a bru-ha-ha I tell you what . I remember after they kicked us our my buddy Donny tried to make the argument that beauty pageants are what people want so that makes them okay which is the worst argument I have ever heard because people want a lot of AWFUL things - if people didn't want something why would it even be a problem ?
Remember in 1997 when contestants in Miss America were allowed to wear bikinis ? That's where it are started people . That was the line that should not have been crossed . And look at us now , what are we ? So sexually debased and jaded that we have to shove vibrators up our b-holes just to start the day . I mean at least wait until after you've had your coffee , we're trying to have a society here .
Wicked burn of the week - In my last post I said 'They try progressively esoteric actions in wild, out-of-the-way places, looking for interesting features and figuring out how things work' referring to my behavior in gaming but my old pal Champagne Titties hilariously took that out of context and said "That wasn't my experience with you at all" referring to SEX of all things ! What a scallywag she is .
And finally , people are now exposed to more information than ever before , provided both by technology and by increasing access to every level of education . These societal gains , however , have also helped fuel a surge in narcissistic and misguided intellectual egalitarianism that has crippled informed debates on any number of issues . Today , everyone knows everything : with only a quick trip through WebMD or Wikipedia , average citizens believe themselves to be on an equal intellectual footing with doctors and diplomats . All voices , even the most ridiculous , demand to be taken with equal seriousness , and any claim to the contrary is dismissed as undemocratic elitism .
This rejection of experts has occurred for many reasons , including the openness of the internet , the emergence of a customer satisfaction model in higher education , and the transformation of the news industry into a 24-hour entertainment machine . Paradoxically , the increasingly democratic dissemination of information, rather than producing an educated public , has instead created an army of ill-informed and angry citizens who denounce intellectual achievement .
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Colonel kegel runs a tight ship
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Posted:Mar 13, 2017 7:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2017 6:59 am
73973 Views
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Okay I admit that it may not be general knowledge that Colonel is not a navy rank but if you're going to make a kegel/tight vagina nautical pun , and I highly suggest that you do , why wouldn't you go with Captain Kegel ? Everyone associates Captains with ships , EVERYONE . It was right there .
I took the test that tells you what kind of gamer you are because of course I did . Turns out I am an Explorer .
Explorers delight in having the game expose its internal machinations to them. They try progressively esoteric actions in wild, out-of-the-way places, looking for interesting features and figuring out how things work. Scoring points may be necessary to enter some next phase of exploration, but it's tedious, and anyone with half a brain can do it. Killing is quicker, and might be a constructive exercise in its own right, but it causes too much hassle in the long run if the deceased return to seek retribution. Socializing can be informative as a source of new ideas to try out, but most of what people say is irrelevant or old hat. The real fun comes only from discovery, and making the most complete set of maps in existence.
Today after practice I took the little league team I coach out for pizza because I made them practice in the snow (it snowed today you see but not much) and also because I feel bad because the only thing I know about baseball is from that scene in Twilight where they play baseball which I don't think was regulation . Also I've never seen Twilight . Point is the pizza place turned out to be a front for a robot fighting league . It was a whole thing .
What's the last thing you bought on Amazon ? This is a fun game that is relatable and has a clear premise of entertainment , it's sure to get me tons of replies . I'll start . The last thing I bought on Amazon was 37 bibles . They're pretty cheap .
I read a mildly interesting study today published by Imperial College London . It was a sex study of course because why else would I , a man (of sorts) be taking about it otherwise ? Anyway based on some of the data in said article I was able to do some calculations and I estimate that I have spent 343 hours of my life having sex . Which is probably not very accurate because when does sex begin ? And when does it end ? And what counts ? But anyway let's go with it .
That's 14 straight days of hardcore action . A fortnight if you will and I feel like you will . And that's why they call me 40 the Fortnight Fucker . To put it in perspective that's about the amount of time it takes to become a Chartered Financial Analyst . Or a yoga instructor . Which would you rather have ? Sex , a high powered finance job , or be really flexible and depending on which kind of yoga you like possibly have total enlightenment ? Is there a reason to have a finance job or enlightenment other than getting laid ? It's kind of a catch 22 I suppose .
I think we can generally agree that using your special effects abilities (ala FX Murder By Illusion or FX2 the Deadly Art of Illusion) to convince someone that their house is haunted by a violent malevolent spirit so that they will sell it to you is immoral . However they are selling you a house that they believe to be home to a dangerous evil force so they are also acting immorally correct ? Ergo this is a two wrongs make a right scenario yeah ?
"But 40 , you're the initiator ."
Irrelevant , I know what they're going to do is bad so me doing my bad thing to them first is okay . It's the entire basis of US foreign policy . OHH , political !!!
Anyway , I think this ghost plan is my only chance to get a new house , everything is selling minutes after going on the market . It's cray .
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Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey
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Posted:Mar 12, 2017 8:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2017 6:36 pm
72413 Views
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I've often wondered what my deal is . Yesterday while I was looking at houses (well mostly , I was also 10% looking at my realtor's ass , she's a fine looking woman) I think I figured it out . My deal is an emotional battle with indifference .
Such as the other day at work a lady who moved here from Sudan when she was a was talking about the travel ban and how it made her feel and so forth and it was really powerful stuff . And I don't support the travel ban but it's not like I'm going to do anything about it one way the other . Because really I'm indifferent .
And I don't like feeling that way but what can you do about it ? I can act like I care but I can't make myself care can I ? You can't make yourself feel something can you ? I mean emotionally . Obviously you can make yourself feel something physically .
I stayed up last night to see time disappear . I did not see Santa , whom I speculate has an off-season gig dispensing and then taking away time . I mean who else can travel the whole world and go into every house unbidden and either leave or take stuff ? Watching time disappear is a curious thing .
I've decided that there aren't enough different kinds of alcoholic drinks . We need mixtures to get people excited about getting wasted again . So here are some new cocktails I've come up with .
The Really Slippery Nipple - Vodka and baby oil , college will love it !
Hell in a Glass - Rum and hot sauce
The 8th Plague - Tequila and pickled locusts
Morning Dew - Granola liqueur , grenadine , soda water , rum
A while ago I asked why Bloody Mary had a drink named after her , I still don't know but there's a lot more to this Bloody Mary character than I knew . I thought you just said her name 3 times (like Biggie Smalls) and she showed up and killed you but that's not it at all . You and by you I mean women only are supposed to walk backwards up the stairs holding a mirror and a candle and say Bloody Mary three times and then the face of your future husband will appear OR a skull if you're going to die without getting married . Which I think we can all agree is the worst possible fate for a woman . Although none of this explains who Bloody Mary is or why she's interested in showing people and by people I mean women who their future spouse is going to be . Also does it work for lesbians or does it show you husbands only ? Also what are the chance of falling and breaking your neck while walking up the stairs backwards holding a mirror and a candle ?
Also if you drink a Bloody Mary you're supposed to drink a White Lady also to counteract the dark magic . A White Lady is a sidecar made with gin in place of brandy . What makes it different from the simple gin sour is the switching of sugar for triple sec . I had a white lady last night if you know what I mean ! Honk honk !
In other news I noticed HotMatch.com now has live help so I had to check it out . And they give you e-mail with the transcript !
AFamp;F : Hello! How may I help you today?
40: I have been on HotMatch.com for several years and no one is currently sucking my dick
Kevin : Hello 40 nice to meet you
Kevin : Welcome to HotMatch.com I hope you are having amazing and blessed day so far, my name is Kevin and I'll do my best in this interaction in order that our chat can be very helpful for you, and you be completely satisfied with our services , I'll be more than glad to help you today.
Kevin : Oh I completely understand you, and did you receive the Emails confirming your order?
40: I did
40: Order #21-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kevin : Oh excellent one moment please
Kevin : I want let you know that I'm still here to assist you, Sorry for my delay, almost have all the info for you. 
Kevin : 40 by any chance are you fat ?
40: I am
Kevin : Thank you and did you receive an SMS text?
40: I'm not sure
Kevin : are you able to check?
Kevin : Please]Click Here to open the page in a new window/tab.
Kevin : Oh from this link you will be able to do it
40: Error 404--Not Found
Kevin : Please Click Here to open the page in a new window/tab.
Kevin : Oh please try with that
40: Error 404--Not Found
Kevin : Oh 40 by any chance are you a loser?
40 : I am
Kevin : I'll take care of that for you
40: Sounds good
Kevin : \
Kevin : How is everything going?
40: What ?
Kevin : Oh I completely understand you, no worries at all, please let me know once you be logged
40 : I'm not sure what's going
Kevin : Excellent Thank you so much, one moment please
Kevin : 40 I'll require a personal info is that ok for you ?
40: yes
Kevin : 40 may I know your address please?
40 : REDACTED
Kevin : Thank you
Kevin : Perfect!
Kevin : Can you please provide me your full name
40 : SUPER REDACTED
Kevin : Thank you
Kevin : Congratulation 40
Kevin : I have submitted successfully the Coupon number for your services
Kevin : So you can get the amazing blowjob that you have in mind
Kevin : In the following hours you will receive it at your phone number so you can redeem
Kevin : I meant, a coupon code will be sent as a text message
Kevin : Thank you so much for contacting us today, and I really happy to help you with your request
Kevin : Is there anything else that I can help with? I want to be absolutely sure that I have taken care of you today!
40: Thank you , that should be all
Kevin : Amazing!
Kevin : it is my entire pleasure 40
Kevin : it was a real pleasure could help you and work with you today, you were great, thank you, for being so nice, patience and a really nice person, I'm very grateful with you , I hope you have a great rest of the day and God bless you, Remember you chatted with Kevin , Feel free to close the chat once you are ready and chat with us anytime that you need.
Kevin : Please take care and have a Happy Week!
I'm still waiting , although I'm not sure what I'm waiting for . I'm getting a coupon code for a blowjob ? Where do I redeem it ? Sounds pretty illegal . Officer I didn't pay for a blowjob I got a coupon !
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