It would have been soooooooo sweet
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Posted:May 11, 2018 5:42 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:53 pm
54126 Views
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I had this fantastic idea .
I was going to post with the title "If you don't want to fall immediately and immutably into love , look away"
Then I follow with a line "If you don't want to awaken a desire , look away"
And then "If you don't want to be seduced , look away"
And then I would post a picture of my balls .
And then a paragraph imploring men to cool with the dick pics because today's modern woman is all about the balls .
It would have been HILARIOUS .
But what I diovered is my wrinkly hairy ballsack isn't that funny , it's just sad . This is something that happens every now and then , I think of this "hilarious" post I want to do that involves a picture of me and then instead I just end up thinking "man I'm gross , but not gross enough to be funny" . It's a bit of a bummer .
I blogged a blog many moons ago wherein I was recounting how Christina Hendricks said that she had a hard time getting roles in Hollywood because of her large breasts . And I was somewhat skeptical , seemed like a convenient excuse . How could having a sweet rack hurt you ?
But I have to backtrack because I watched an interview with her the other day . It was 45 minutes and all I could think the entire time was "my god those tits are INSANE" . I'm only moderately immature as far as men goes . So I think I have to agree with her now . She said that casting people often told her "You don't look like the girl next door , you look like a porn star" and I could see that now .
I'm not sure what the deal is , why this time it was so entrancing , because I've seen her before obviously - they must tie those puppies down when she's in wardrobe . Or they put special lighting on her or something to diminish her bonkers boobs . Point is it was very distracting .
I probably have mentid this before but if you've ever watched Star Trek TNG you've probably noticed that in pretty much every episode it seems like they're introducing a new character and then you never see them again . And that's because the showrunners were MEGA-cheap and didn't want to the writers the very modest fee you get for having a character you created in a show .
And now my definitive ranking of minor characters from the office from best to worst ;
Hide - His backstory is the BEST , he killed the Yakuza boss ON PURPOSE !!!
Mose - Obviously
Lonnie - Great character , left the show because his role was so small
Nate - Good minion for Dwight
Trevor - Dwight had all the good flunkies
Rolf - Like I just said . . .
Carol - of Michael's most crushing/hilarious moments
Isabel - If Dwight had ended up with her the finale would have been just bad instead of terrible
Jordan - Like every other female character she had a crush on Jim . I don't get it , I mean he's a goofball . I guess there wasn't a lot to choose from in that office though .
Zeke - Another solid Dwight satellite character
Nick - I like a character that every is a jerk to for no reason who isn't Toby , he left to be another show that got cancelled pretty much immediately . Whoops .
Danny - A weird late series guest star role for Timothy Olyphant , the suplot where he kept trying not to hurt Pam's feelings and they kept after him for the "truth" was well d though
Sadiq - I feel like they had plans for this character and then just did nothing , I wonder why
Madge - She's a punching bag but an amusing
Lucas - I think you're going to get in a lot of trouble if you spank some in an office
Ronni - Meh
Cathy - She came on for a few episodes and tried to bang Jim , it was lame
Brian - Negative a million points , the late series bullshit with Pam and Jim having "issues" was of the worst things about the crummy last season
Remember when Kevin was engaged ? And then they broke it off . What was the point of that ?
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Infinity War ? More like Infinity BORE !!!
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Posted:May 7, 2018 5:56 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:54 pm
54383 Views
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No wait , Infinity War ? More like Infinity SNORE !!! Yeah , that's better .
Spoilers . Obviously .
I've increased my masturbatory level lately which is somewhat puzzling because usually my periods of increased jerking off are when I'm getting "it" on the reg and when I go long periods without I usually tend to lose my desire for physical pleasure . And as always when this happens I wonder "Am I jerking off too much , should I cut back ?" which is interesting because I never worry about having too much sex . I guess all the cultural shame about masturbation is still rattling around in the old noggin .
Shaming people about banging makes sense because that leads to babies and we have WAY to many people already but masturbation shaming makes no sense really . There's no impact at all to society that I can think of . I mean I guess you can say that jerking off props up porn and porn is bad news but all this anti-masturbation hysteria began long before porn was a thing . Unless you count erotic woodcuts , which you don't .
The point is I've been watching the porn more than usual and I started to wonder when a porn lady has sex IRL do you think its weird to handle a normal sized penis ? OR do you think porn ladies only hook up with dudes with massive cocks ? I started thinking about this as a lady was handling a dick with both hands and there was plenty of room for more hands , when she's working with a normal penis - which let's be honest can mostly be covered with one hand - it has to throw her whole routine off .
I do wonder though how much different it feels inside you . In a blind dick-test could you tell the difference between a 5 inch and a 8 inch dick ? Or is it mostly just a mental thing ?
Sometimes when I see hands on a porn cock it makes me think of that old game you'd play to see who got to bat first ;
Anyway , I was joking about Infinity War , I liked it of course and I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for my thoughts . And by thoughts I mean complaints of course .
One thing I wish they had put in there was the scene from the comic where pretty much everyone is dead and Captain America is still trying to fight Thanos because he's Captain America and that's what he does and Thanos gets annoyed and casually shatters his shield . That's when you knew shit was real . Because honestly characters die and come back every other week in comics , it's kind of like a soap opera in that way - in some trade magazines they'd had a listing of who was currently dead and who was alive - so death isn't really a big deal . But Cap's shield being broken ? That was insane in the membrane .
But in the MCU they took away Cap's shield . Which is kind of okay because he looked mildly goofy in his outfit . I liked the look of this fugitive Cap . Not to mention that tactical outfit Black Widow had on , me-ow . I couldn't even complain about her being a blonde .
One thing that was in the movie that I didn't like , which is really my only complaint and it's pretty minor , is when Thanos is taking Gamora to toss her off the cliff to get the Soul Stone she's slapping ineffectually at his wrist like a bitch . She's one of the murderingest murders in all of murdertown and when she's literally fighting for her life she responds with sissy slaps ? Boo . She should have been punching him in the kidneys or kicking him or something .
I mean at the end was Cap failing at Thanos like a angry ? No , he was gritting his teeth and digging in and being a strong action man . Why does Gamora have to go out like a weakling ?
I mean I guess if you really wanted to be generous you could say being in Thanos presence was making her revert to a childhood state where she wasn't a badass killing machine but I'm not in the mood to be so forgiving . Clearly they just did that because she's a female character and obviously women can't die with dignity .
I have to hand it to Marvel Studios for going with a totally grim ending though . I mean I know that 88% of people assume everything is going to be undone in the next movie but that's still pretty un-Hollywoody to end a movie with a 100% bad guy victory and 87% of the popular characters dead .
Someone asked me the other day if the movie was anything like the comic and the answer is not really . Because in the comic the main protagonists were the Silver Surfer - to which Sony has the movie rights - and Adam Warlock - who they introduced at the end of Guardians 2 (which sucked BTW) but seem to be doing something else with . The Avengers weren't really part of the whole Thanos deal . Thor was there for a minute but got killed right away . The Guardians weren't involved in any way .
This is actually a better story though because what you have to realize is that the comic came out in 1992 and they weren't really into continuity back then . It was more like a sitcom where stuff would happen and then in the next issue everything was ignored . Moving the Thanos stuff to after Civil War and Planet Hulk was interesting for me .
But the main difference is in Thanos' motivation . In the movie he's got a pretty solid reason for what he's doing - they're already selling "Thanos was right" shirts like hotcakes . In the comic his motivation is more . . . . stupid .
You see in the comic he wants to kill everyone to impress Death . Because he wants to bang her . Because Death is a lady .
A lady who won't return Thanos' calls . A lady who's always washing her hair when Thanos wants to take her out . A lady who plays Thanos' voice mails for her friends over brunch and laughs as they sip their mimosas . I mean I guess it's kind of interesting that the most powerful being in the universe is basically just a pathetic loser trying to impress a girl but yeah , the movie is much better when it comes to Thanos' motivation .
Now , I will say this , the entire concept of the Infinity Stones doesn't make a ton of sense . Because really once you have the Reality Stone you're pretty much done . What do you need the others for ?
My last note is that the guy who was sitting next to me laughed HYSTERICALLY every time Peter Dinklage came on the screen . How I grant you his role was mildly ridiculous and he was doing a stupid voice but I got the sense this dude was just endlessly amused by seeing a little person . I could have done without that .
His wife/GF/whatever did declare that Chris Evans is the finest looking man around . He's a good looking fellow but I think I prefer the Winter Soldier myself .
You do have Chris Evens , Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth all together - you just need Chris Pine in there and you've got a full set you know ?
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Advance Australia Fair
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Posted:May 6, 2018 11:26 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2018 5:18 pm
53560 Views
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I once wrote that Australia is both the sexingest and the sexiest country on the planet (this one) and I stand by that statement . However there's an Australia dude at my new job (what's your over/under on when I'll stop calling it my new job ? ) and he's a real piece of work . The IT world is full of people with shitty attitudes , I assume because they feel their knowledge is in demand and they should be treated as some kind of elites , but this fellow really takes the cake . Everything is done reluctantly with a sigh and an eyeroll and 45 minutes of bitching , every time he screws something up (which is often) it's someone else's fault , he's the only one who knows anything , everyone else is stupid , etc. at el .
So the other day he comes up to me apropos of nothing and starts listing off all the reasons Australia is great and the US sucks and I says to him I says "I was born here , you moved here , I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove" . He didn't like that .
Not
One
Bit
I'd wager most Australians could kick my ass and this dude is several inches taller than me but I feel like he's one of the few people in my weight class I could take . There's some bigger dudes that you can just tell are soft you know ? It's like my cousin Joe , he's physically superior to me in every way but whenever we spar I wail on him because he's a gentle soul - he doesn't have "it" you know . Whereas I am filled with hatred and rage .
Point is Australia , thumbs up , this dude , thumbs down . Maybe that's why he's here , maybe they send all their jerks to America .
While we're on the subject we're in the midst of an Australian wrestler invasion . And it's wonderful .
Nia Jax , Emma , Peyton Royce , Billie Kay , Rhea Ripley , Buddy Murphy , TM-61 , and of course the best of them all , Toni Storm ;
There used to be a time when foreigners were usually great wrestlers but as time has gone on that's not the case so much anymore - I assume as travel becomes cheaper and more commonplace more people that suck get out into the world . But all these Australians are great wrestlers . I assume because Australia is still far enough away from everything that you have to really bring something to the table to warrant a 700 hour flight .
Speaking of wrestling ;
And yes , that is exactly what it looks like - a bunch of undead brides holding back a cheerleader while a demonically possessed assassin is placed in a coffin .
Because reasons .
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Pussy & pussy & pussy (and hypothetical pussy)
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Posted:May 5, 2018 8:03 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2018 11:04 am
54115 Views
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Well I just learned something . You know how if you're giving a woman a massage they want to wail away on their back like you're John Henry driving steel but any pressure on their legs and they kick you right in the dick ? Turns out the reason for this is that they're legs are basically also clits . Which kind of makes sense . Now I understand why people back in the day were so scandalized by women showing their legs .
Speaking of , I read a book when I was a lad about Nazis (I wonder if that's a banned word) who came to the future with their time machine and found out they lost the war so their initial plan was to take that knowledge to the past and try and change history BUT they found the way women strutted around with all their bits hanging out in the future too good to pass up so they just stayed to bang sluts . There's a message in there somewhere . Make love not war I guess .
The other day I was hanging out with Sweaty Betty and she says to me she says "We've been hanging out for like 3 years now and you haven't tried to fuck me in the ass , are you a pussy or what ?" You really can't win you know ? If you try to be nice you're a pussy and if you don't you're an abusive narcissist .
The other day at work a guy suggested that I "might be a pussy" and I says to him I says "Well , you are what you eat" and everyone freaked out like that was the sickest burn ever . Which I really don't understand . How is saying that I go down on women a burn on him ? I mean I guess you could say that I was implying that I have sex with a lot of women but still that's not really a burn on him .
Plus here's the thing , despite all the talk out there about female empowerment and what have you we definitely haven't reached the point where men brag about their oral skills - except in unsolicited HotMatch.com messages of course .
Never once has a guy looked around and then leaned in and said to me "You know , I'm great at eating pussy" . Quite the opposite - the dudes I know who are super-dudey dudes are often proud of fact that they never go down . I suppose because oral sex has undertones of subservience , I mean they call it "servicing" right ? And as a mannish manly manly man they need to be dominant and strong and in control - you get on your knees and suck their dick , they don't please you . That's feminine and therefore sick and wrong (for a man) .
I really miss going down on ladies sometimes . It's been a while since I hah a regular partner and my non-regular sometimes sex buddy doesn't like it when I go down on her . The funny thing is I generally don't believe women when they say they like sucking dick but yet I like going south of the border so once again I am a hypocrite .
There's just something very satisfying about being between a woman's legs and hearing her little gasps and moans , feeling her body tense and then turn to jelly . It's totally cool . Plus sometimes you can sneak it a little asshole lick here and there , but you really should do that because of germs . Ironically it's safer to go ass to mouth than ass to pussy . Ironic and gross .
The sad part is I'm not sure I'm good at it anymore . When I was a strapping young man my lady friends RAVED about my oral skills but in retrospect I think that was 30% them trying to stroke my ego and 60% the fact that they hadn't been with many/any dudes that would do it willingly/eagerly . I used to think "hey , I may not be attractive , I may not have a pleasing personality , I may have an inferior wang , but at least I have the skills down south and that's not nothing" . So what do I have now ?
Just my six million twitter followers . I need to figure out how to monetize that . Surely once you have a certain amount of followers companies will pay you to tweet about their products .
I often ask hypothetical questions . Some people really don't like it . But the reason I do it is that I feel like you can get more insight into someone's personality when they don't get bogged down with details . If you ask someone something based highly in reality they often miss the point , they'll same something like "No , I would never do that because the traffic at that time of night would be terrible" when you were trying to gauge how they felt about euthanasia . I find people are often too literal to extract anything interesting about their personality if you don't make things fantastical .
Plus even if they give you a non-answer that tells you something about them in and of itself .
So , here's the scenario - it's 1798 and a French nobleman's has run away from home and gone to live in an American colony in the new world . Said nobleman has hired you to go get him and bring him back - which is within legal authority . He obviously doesn't want to come back and the colonists are willing to defend him if it comes to force . What's your play ?
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You are your job
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Posted:May 1, 2018 6:06 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2018 7:01 pm
53882 Views
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Many eons ago when I was a youngster I read a sci-fi book about people that lived on a ship hurtling through space for thousands of years that mutated and adapted to be really good at whatever their job was . Your job became your "race" . I thought it was fantastic at the time but I re-read it a few years ago and it was awful . Who would have thought my tastes would change in 28 years ?
Anyway this book came to mind today because I was trapped in a horrid all employee meeting where the marketing team was droning on about branding . And I noticed that all the marketing people were attractive women . Looking around I realized that all the departments kind of look similar .
Marketing - Sexy ladies
IT - Schlubby neckbeards
Accounting - Waspy sourpusses
HR - Matronly middle aged women
Customer care - Young dead eyed zombies
Field agents - Frat bros
Finance - Silver maned old dudes in suits
And so on . Which begs the question , does how you look end up dictating what job you have ? I mean obviously it does sometimes if you're a model or an actor or someone who's job it is to look a certain way , but beyond that .
My other main thought looking around at the crowd was "wow , this is a lot of white people" . Say what you want about my former employer Evil Corp LLC they hired anyone and everyone . Except in management of course . Can't let diversity get too far .
Last week I got this in the mail . The post office sent it out as part of their "control your god damn dog" campaign .
These can't be live shots right ? These pictures must be staged . But how ? What's the casting like ? Alright , here's the plan , you're going to put on this mail outfit and then this is going to attack you . Who's going to go for that ?
Although in the old casting couch scenario which do you think an aspiring actress would be more willing to do ? The old suck and tug for a job or be attacked by a dog ?
I've probably told this story before but one of my friends used to live in the bad part of town and we'd go over there to play D&D sometimes . One time when we were over there the police raided the meth-hole next door . The dude meth addict took off like a comet and was fucking gone . The two meth addict women ran and hid in the abandoned house across the street . So the police are telling them to come out over and over and over and the K-9 unit shows up and they say some out now or we're sending in the dog .
Important tip - if the police say that , COME OUT .
The screaming of two meth addict women being attacked by a police is the worst sound I have ever heard in my life . No joking , it haunts me to this day .
Also looking at on it through today's lens of police brutality that doesn't seem like a kosher maneuver on the police tactics .
Anyway , the one picture of the small barking at the guy in the pith helmet doesn't seem to effectively convey the message as much as the other ones . I mean he could take that helmet off and batter that into next week . Also why is a mailman wearing a pith helmet ?
Also the attacking the lady on the ground is clearly not fixed . Maybe that's why he's so aggressive .
And the picture of the lunging at the dude standing up , how could you fake that ? He's wearing short sleeves and he's going to let a stunt jump and snap at him ? I need to know where these pictures came from and how they were staged . I mean what kind of budget could the Urbandale Post Office have ? Maybe it's a national campaign . Have you gotten a thing like this ?
The ironic thing is of course the only people that need to see this wont get it because of their vicious dogs .
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Free wood , inquire within
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Posted:Apr 30, 2018 6:53 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2018 7:28 am
53963 Views
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Remember at Andy Kitsmiller 's 25th birthday party when Bobby Langerholtz bumped into my elbow and made my spill my Pina Colada on Julia Williams and she got all mad and said "You ruined my dress !" and I said to her I says "Hy that dress was ruined the moment you put it on" and every laughed and then she went from mad to super pissed so her boyfriend Eddie Witten came at me with a claw hammer but then he tripped and fell because his pants were around his ankles on account of he was getting a blowjob under the table from Tammy McIntosh and then every was laughing even more and Julia was all like "Why are your pants down Eddie ?!" and then me and my cousin Chuko got the hell out of there ? I do . I feel bad for Julia . That was probably of the worst moments of her life .
I realized my last blog post was basiy a "I'm posting about how I have no time to post" post which I have stated that I hate in the past . At least I haven't posted a "Goodbye forever jerks" post yet .
I got a new treadmill Friday and I'm sure you're dying to hear my thoughts .
Large items like this are often shipped with wooden shims to protect them . Throwing away wood always seems weird to me but what else am I going to do with it ? So wasteful .
Why is it ed an Allen wrench and not an Allen's head rewdriver ? Because you're rewing with it , not wrench . Although I guess they do have rewdrivers with hexagon heads so the Allen wrench is a rewdriver with a whammy bar ? Why don't they have "normal" rewdrivers with a whammy bar ? Because when you're digging into a tough rew sometimes you could use more leverage .
Will I ever learn to wear shoes while assembling so I don't smash my toes so easily ? No .
Putting that thing together was a good 2 hours , I worked up quite a sweat . Do you think I burned more calories putting it together than I would in session using it ?
My old treadmill was 20 old , the belt slipped , the cross-training handling things (thingys even) were broken , the incline wouldn't move anymore and it was casting off black dust everywhere BUT it was study as balls . This new seems somewhat flimsy .
On my old treadmill if I was going down I'd have no problem grabbing on for balance (that's what she said) but with this new I feel like if I did that it would off (that's what she said again) .
I was worried at first because it's much longer than my old treadmill which seems pointless - I'm not going to put people on there , I guess if you were really tall you might need that much room - and it also seemed much shorter . But that all seems okay PLUS it's literally 1 jillion times quieter than my old treadmill which is nice . I had a real problem with the old , I had to crank up the sound on whatever I was listening to and I could still barely hear it sometimes - which made me wonder if I was blasting out my neighbor's eardrums .
I was also slightly worried because it has impact absorbing powers which is supposed to be better for your knees and whatnot BUT I've heard a lot of people say when they make the switch they have real issues because it seems so bouncy (like the that's what she said lady's tits) . Sidenote a lot of wrestlers have the same issue - on the indy ene they work in all these super hard crappy rings but then when they make it to the "safer" WWE ring that's springy in the short term it ends up being harder on them because they're not used to it . Especially if they've been n the biz for a long time the safe rings often cause them knee issues until they adjust .
Anyway , this bounce absorbing is great for me because I was on the verge of shin-splits sometimes on my old treadmill . Which is why I started doing yoga sometimes instead in the first place .
And as a bonus , I was always paranoid because it seemed like there was a vague moldy smell in the room with the treadmill that I could never find the source of - which is now g so clearly it was the old treadmill . Where does mold grow on a treadmill ? Beats me . No place you can see that's for sure .
I declare it to be a good purchase and the best part is my new job will me back for it . That's some sweet action .
This is all fainating I'm sure .
I have so much backed up (that's what he said) blog material I don't know where to start . So we'll go with the that's most likely to alienate people .
I read an article the other day wherein a lady was expressing her dismay over being sexually harassed . She was a semi-famous liberal of some sort and people she said were alt-right but may just be garden variety right wing types had a page where they posted pictures of liberal types for "Smash or Pass" type tomfoolery . And of course all the comments were of a derogatory nature . The R word forbidden on this site was used liberally .
Now , I am in no way condoning this behavior , clearly this is not something you should do , but is that sexual harassment ? They weren't sending these comments to her , they were just making them . Such as if I say that some lady at work is a "real piece of ass' here on this blog am I sexually harassing her ?
What they're doing is awful , but is it sexual harassment ? Where's the line ? If some dudes get together and talk about women in a derogatory way and then later I tell all those women what was said is that sexual harassment ?
I often think I wouldn't care if some secretly filmed me having sex because who would want to see it , but then I thought what if there's a website where people post videos of ugly dudes having sex so they can be mocked and humiliated . Obviously I
wouldn't like that . But what does it really mean ? Take the video out of it say some dudes just had a reddit post talking about what a monster I am and how gross it must be when I have sex , am I being sexually harassed .
Is there a line between harassment and being an asshole ? If I write in a notebook about al the women I want to bang surely that's fine . But if I lose the notebook and of the women I wrote about finds it and is freaked out does that that make me a harasser ? That seems like a strange distinction . Which in no way makes her feel less freaked out I understand that .
Many a year ago Chris Rock said "So what's sexually harassment then ? When an ugly man tries to get some ?"
Which is probably offensive now , but it seems like there's maybe some truth to it . Such as if I told a woman she looked nice she'd mace me , tase me and have her boyfriend (who I didn't know about) cut my fingers off and shove them up my butt . But if I looked like Denzel Washington and said that it would be fine .
Just further proof that men and women probably shouldn't interact . Thankfully we seem to be on our way to living a full digital life and the next step will be to download ourselves and become genderless .
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Porn with a message
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Posted:Apr 29, 2018 4:45 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2018 6:08 pm
53622 Views
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I haven't had much time to blog lately and this weekend when I finally do the site is exploded ? Just wanted to do a quick here while I can log in for a second.
Over on PureTaboo you can watch "The W of Infiidelity" for free right now .
It's an hour long which is 45 minutes longer than you need to be amiright ?
Anyway it's a thing Angela White put together that "explores the ways idealized body types can be used as a means of power, control, and dominance" . It's listed with a keyword of "body positivity" .
In a nutshell a dude wants his gorgeous wife to lose w but (spoiler alert) in the meantime he's cheating on her with a BBW . OMG right ? So they find out about it and eat his dick . Literally .
I always kind of roll my eyes when porn tries to have a message because , it's porn . Maybe that's my own hang-up but it kind of seems like writing little positive messages on a crack pipe . If you're really that concerned with these issues you probably just shouldn't make porn .
What are your thoughts when porn tries to take the high road ?
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How would you feel about licking my asshole ?
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Posted:Apr 21, 2018 11:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2018 4:56 pm
54819 Views
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There's a profile I check out ever few weeks because the lady in said profile often posts new videos of herself masturbating while watching porn . I noticed today that she posted a video of herself masturbating while looking at a big plate of spaghetti on her TV . Which makes sense , she's a slender athletic type so she probably hasn't had a carb in decades . I often wonder about the maxim "Nothing tastes as good being in shape feels" because lots of things taste delicious .
In her honor on Tuesday I will buy a cake and then jerk off while staring at it .
If someone tells you to remind them to talk about a topic - and it's an important topic not something like "Remind me to look up who played Steve Martin's in Father of the Bride when we get home" and you don't want to talk about it and you know they'll forget about it so you don't remind them ; how bad is that . It's clearly pretty low on the scale but is it like not signaling when you change lanes bad or more like when you "accidentally" brush up against a lady's chest on the bus bad ?
When someone attacks Wolverine and he kills them in "self-defense" that's not really okay right ? Because he knows they can't really damage him , let alone kill him . It's like when a little punches you in the junk , it hurts , but it's not justification for a homicide .
I haven't had much time to blog lately , I haven't had much time for anything . And I don't know why . Where does the time go ? I feel like at this point even if I could dupe some poor woman into dating me when would I see her ? I've got like 44 minutes free at 9:30 AM on Sunday , does that work ? And the confusing this is that I don't do anything , I go to work , I come home , I exercise , that's pretty much it . How can I have so little free time ?
I was shopping for a new treadmill (there's really nothing wrong with the one I have but it's 20 years old and I'm an American) and I noticed that the weight limit on a LOT of them is 220 pounds . That seems incredibly low .
The other day at work a guy walked into the bathroom and said "Here we go , lets do this thing , party time !" as he unzipped his fly and walked up the urinal . I have a couple theories about his excitement . One is that he's an alien in human form taking a piss for the first time . The next is that he's a transgender person and he's using his penis for the first time . And that's two theories , which is a couple .
Remember that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where the guy who played the Rocketeer banged the lady who played Lois Lane ? I do . I love that episode as a because the cool guy was totally cool but as an adult it's pretty lame . The cool guy is clearly just what the nerds who write for sci-fi shows think a cool guy should be through adult eyes .
Wait 40 , I thought you had no time and yet now you're taking about watching episodes of Star Trek from 30 years ago . Touché blog reader , touché .
Also in the second time through watching Trek you notice how many characters appear in minor roles once and are never seen again - and this is because the showrunners didn't want to pay the very moderate fee you have to pay a writer to use a character they created . So basically the entire crew of the Enterprise aside from the main cast was turned over ever week .
Also when they brought in the Guinan character I wonder if Mirina Sirtis was pissed - because her character was literally the ship's counselor , people should have been coming to her for advice .
Did you know that Somali pirates are ultimate supported by a law firm in England ? I didn't . You see when the pirates hold a ship for ransom this law firm is the one that negotiates the deal and keeps most of the money , only a small amount goes to the pirates . And then said law firm makes sure the pirates have all the guns they need and know which ships to go after to keep the money flowing in .
It's unlikely at this point that I'll ever have sex regularly again . Most of the time I'm okay with that . Sometimes it bums me out though .
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Size DOES matter - 14 tricks for taking a massive cock WAY up your ass
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Posted:Apr 16, 2018 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2018 4:58 pm
55489 Views
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Sometimes I forget how far from reality the AFFverse is from the "real" world . The other day someone was expressing their utter shock and dismay that they came across a man who wanted to have sex with other men but said they were straight and that they wanted to guys they wanted to have sex with to be straight as well . So I says to him I says "I see that all the time online" because I do .
This morning I was reading a article about how to take care of your breasts when you got big ones (why ? shrug) and I got an erection . Which isn't great . But it's not like awful either . It's like a two . It's not what you want but it's not a big deal either .
If you stick around AFFblogtown long enough (see above) you discover there are people here that like having sex with animals . OR they want people to think they do . I often wonder which is worse , someone who wants to fuck a or someone who wants other people to THINK they want to fuck a to get attention . It's a conundrum .
Anyway , I'm sure none of those people read this blog of course , we're all nice and normal here , but I say this to you - if they ever get this Jurassic Park stuff figured out that has to be an exception right ? I mean there's morality and ethics and all that but who's going to turn down the chance to make love to a dinosaur ? I mean if you're not into it fine but I don't think we should judge in this SPECIFIC case . It like if you discover unicorns are real and they're DTF . You know ?
In 2005 Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt got divorced . It was a big deal . I'm sure you remember where you were when you found out about it . It was such a big deal that they broke into SportsCenter to talk about it - ALOT . They even formed a panel to talk about it and towards the end they asked the question who would "win" the breakup by having a better life afterwards . Almost everyone said Brad Pitt - which seemed reasonable , he was already a movie star and a male actor is going to get a lot more of career in Hollywood you know ? But there was one lone hold-out that insisted that Jennifer Anniston would do better without Brad . I always think it was JA Adande but it wasn't , it was another dude .
It seemed insane at the time . Brad Pitt was a star , Jennifer Aniston was just the girl from friends . But now 12 years later , you have to wonder , was that guy who wasn't JA Adande right ?
Let's check out the careers since then ;
Brad Pitt -
Babel (flop)
Assassination of Jesse James by the etc. (flop)
Ocean's Thirteen (meh)
Burn After Reading (garbage)
Benjamin Button (puke)
Inglorious Basterds (okay this one I'll give him)
Moneyball (baseball ? ugh)
World War Z (HUGE flop , in 2005 a zombie movie would have killed ! )
Fury (flop)
Allied (flop)
War Machine (meh)
VS
Jennifer Anniston -
The Break-up (horrible)
Marly and Me (home run)
The Bounty Hunter (simply awful)
The Switch (suck)
Just Go with It (super suck)
Horrible Bosses (funny as balls)
Wanderlust (gross)
We're the Millers (funny as 2 sets of balls)
Horrible Bosses 2 (eh sequel)
Office Christmas Party (meh)
So Anniston wins that one 3-1 , also even famous actors make mostly shitty movies . That's some kind of inspirational something I guess .
Personal life -
Pitt - Married and divorced Angelina Jolie
Anniston - Married and divorced Justin Theroux
I call that a tie .
Net worth -
Pitt - 240 million
Anniston - 200 million
Obviously the edge is to Pitt but I feel like once you're in the 200 million club you're kind of good to go regardless
Celebrity friends -
Pitt - George Clooney
Aniston - Kaley Cuoco , Selena Gomez , Miley Cyrus
Aniston by a landslide . All the stories I hear about Clooney and his "practical jokes" he just sounds like a legitimate asshole . You know why Richard Kind always looks like he's about to jump off a bridge ? Because George Clooney torments him relentlessly .
So there you have it , Jennifer Anniston won . But in another more real way she lost because she's a woman and his is America . Which hey , it's better than being a woman in Saudi Arabia but still this is no Norway you know ?
So anyway if you have heavy boobs the article I read says that you should wear a bra and drink lots of tea and massage those suckers to increase the circulation . Good luck .
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Cash for dignity
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Posted:Apr 10, 2018 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2018 5:53 pm
55880 Views
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Much like "prima nocta" the historical evidence of "whipping boys" is virtually non-existent and most modern holars believe it to be fantasy .
time there was a show called Parks & Rec . The first season sucked a big hair dick and the last season sucked fifty big hair dicks but there were a couple seasons there in the middle that were really great . On this show there was a character named Jerry who was the kindly moron that every was mean to and heaped their abuse on - even the characters that were nice , which was what made it funny . If we've learned anything it's that true humor comes from people being sadistically tormented for no reason .
In episode Jerry retired and then every started being mean to the character ed by Aziz Anasari (remember when people liked him ? ) and when he asked Megan Mullally's husband why the response was "every office has a Jerry" . So he connived a way to get Jerry to come back to work so he would be the being abused . Which is a comedic premise every can enjoy .
My question to you is would you take a job that paid very well (however you define that) had full benefits , a pension , the whole nine yards - and your only job duty was to be around so people could treat you like shit ?
Did you know that the expression "the whole nine yards" come from an old story about a judge who hired a lady to make him shirts , which apparently required 3 yards of fabric each , but she was so stupid she used the whole nine yards to make giant shirt ? I didn't .
Back in the days of the Hittites there was a woman named Zibahethshut . And Zibahethshut baked bread on a day that you weren't supposed to bake bread on . Her motivations for doing so remain a mystery . This was before the Edict of Telipinus so the people in Zibahethshut's village went to the local authority figure and told them about the bread baking fiao . It was determined that in accordance with the law of the land she should be std to death . No knows why bread baking was forbidden on certain days but it must have been pretty important .
So a couple local ruffians drag Zibahethshut out of her house and knock her around a little bit just for fun as ruffians are want to do - taking her to the center of town for the stoning . Stoning was popular as a method of execution because that way no would know who actually killed the ste - it was a primitive form of crowdsourcing .
The villagers surrounded Zibahethshut and started chucking rocks at her , as was their tradition . Now for reasons that are not understood by modern people usually when people were being std they just let it happen . Seems insane to us now but this was more than thousand ago . Think about how different people were as little as 30 ago . Modern humans probably have more in common with visitors from outer space (if they exist) than they do with people from that long ago .
But Zibahethshut didn't do that . She did her best to avoid the sts and when the opportunity presented itself she threw a couple of them back . She crushed lady's kneecap with a rock and busted another guy in the face - at which point the circle of rock-throwers started to loosen up a little and she made a dash for freedom . And by freedom I mean she ran into the wilderness and most likely died but that's not the point .
The point is that she didn't go quietly . If you're fucked there's no reason not to try something right ? It probably won't work but if you're fucked you've got nothing to lose . Too many people seem to be resigned to bite the pillow and take their fucking when the lifefuckers come for them . Why not throw a few sts ? You're probably going to be fucked regardless but why not try ?
Dignity ? What good has that ever d any ? Can you eat it ? Does it protect you from inclement weather ? Can you make sweet , sweet love to it by the riverside on a starry night ? No . So why bother ? I say ream your head off like a crazy person , failing about wildly , making a complete spectacle of yourself . And if you survive you can get some more dignity later .
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The Barmaid and the Cop
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Posted:Apr 8, 2018 2:59 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2018 2:12 pm
56027 Views
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The other day I saw a post on here called "The Barmaid and the Cop" I was hoping it was going to be a joke but I was expecting it to be erotica - mostly based on the use of the world barmaid , I feel like I don't encounter that word in non-joke non-erotica situations . It turned out to be neither . Evertheless I , 40Deuce , am used to taking matters into my own hands .
I present first the "joke"
One night the Barmaid was closing things up and the last customer in the bar was finishing up his whiskey and soda . The Barmaid noticed that he had a large case with him and as she was bustling around cleaning the place up she asked him what was in it . He said that he was a sex toy salesman and the Barmaid was pretty pumped about that because she was in the market for some new toys . She asked if he had a magic wand and he said that he did , opening up the case to show her what he had with him .
She picked out one she liked and looking at it perplexed asked here the on button was and he said "Oh , there is no button , it's actually magic - just say magic wand my pussy and it will do the rest ."
She was skeptical but he said she could try it out - she took it to the bathroom and to her surprise it worked just like she said . "Wow that was the best orgasm I ever had" she said and she bought the magic wand right then and there .
About an hour later after she had closed the bar down and was driving home she was on the phone talking to her boyfriend about her purchase and he was scolding her for wasting her money because he didn't believe it worked and she said "No I swear , I'll show you when I get home all you have to do is say 'magic wand my pussy' and it -" but she was interrupted because she had just said the magic words and the wand sprang into action .
It was such intense pleasure that she started driving erratically and ended up blowing through a stop sign and a police officer pulled her over . She rolled down her window and apologize but said that it wasn't her fault , explaining about the magic wand .
The cop rolled his eyes and said "Yeah right , magic wand my ass ."
I present now the "erotica"
The Barmaid was working late one night , alone , when two disreputable characters walked into the bar . "Sorry guys , we're closed" she said but they came in and took down two chairs and sat down anyway . She was getting a very bad vibe about the entire situation but only a moment later one of the local beat cops walked in . He was about to say something to the Barmaid but then he noticed the guys sitting there like they owned the place and they started eyeing each other . The Barmaid eased away towards the storeroom as they sized each other up . After a moment without a word being exchanged the two surly looking men got up and left .
"I'm so glad you came in" said the Barmaid to the officer "but why did you come in here ?"
He admitted that it was actually a mistake , the alarm at the hardware store had been tripped and it was the next door over . "But I'm glad I could be of assistance ma'ma" .
He turned to leave but the Barmaid said that she was still a little freaked out and asked if he could stay until she was ready to leave and walk her to her car in case those guys were hanging around outside . The officer checked his radio and confirmed that the hardware store was a false alarm and then he agreed to stay - he even helped her clean the place up .
He was a very good looking young guy and the Barmaid was so touched by his gentleness and chivalry that once they got to the car completely on impulse she took his head in her hands and kissed him full on the lips . She immediately felt embarrassed and tried to apologize but he said "No , I liked it" and took her in his arms , kissing her long and passionately .
After a moment the Barmaid took a step back "When is your shift over ?"
He smiled "Right now actually , and I was thinking with those dangerous characters in the area maybe I should you home as well ."
"Will you still respect me in the morning ?" asked the Barmaid .
"I sure hope not" he said and they both laughed .
Later at her place they're in the bedroom and things are getting hot and heavy . The cop was completely nude and the Barmaid was in her bra and panties . They paused for a moment the Barmaid bit her bottom lip slightly .
"I have something to tell you before I get naked" the Barmaid said , steeling herself "I have a really hair asshole . Normally I shave and pluck it religiously but I haven't been with anyone in a long time and I wasn't expecting . ."
He shook his head with a grin "Don't even worry about it , because it just so happens that I LOVE hair assholes on a lady ."
The Barmaid was about to accuse him of lying to make her feel better but just then she noticed the tattoo on his arm said was "I" a heart and "hair assholes" .
"Well have I got a treat for you" she said as she stripped all the way down to the buff .
He was suitably impressed by the thickness and fullness of her asshole hair but he pursed his lips "I have something you should know as well . When I was in high school I got really drunk one time and tried to get a porcupine to suck my dick and it bit my balls off . They were able to surgically reattach them but as a result when I get hard it's a little weird ."
"How so ?" asked the Barmaid .
"Only the last three inches get hard , the other five inches stay flaccid ."
"That is a bit weird" said the Barmaid and his face fell "but I'm into it" she finished and his grin returned .
And then they did it , the end .
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Closeness
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Posted:Apr 7, 2018 7:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2018 2:24 pm
55622 Views
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Sex isn't really that important , it's the closeness that's important . That's why I feel really great every time after sex a woman tells me "I was close" - it really makes me feel good .
.017 Bitcoin to the first person who can identify who I stole that bit from . From whom I mean .
Have you ever had a guy (or girl I guess is possible but seems unlikely) tell you how much he appreciated you having sex with him ? Back in the day one of my friends stayed with me for a while after getting out of the service and he brought a lady back to my place and they were in the process of hooking up despite the fact that I could hear everything . And he kept saying how long it had been and how thankful he was that she was doing this for him .
I think if I was a woman (I’m not right ? ) I would fine that very much a turn-off . I mean have some dignity . It’s like the old white men commenting on football say when the young black men playing football start carrying on in the endzone “act like you’re been there before” .
I jerked off once when they were banging away in the other room . I’m going to count that as a threeway .
Hancock was not a good movie . But it was a good idea . Because if you really had super powers you probably wouldn’t be very happy . I mean think how isolated you feel now sometimes – now magnify that but the fact that you really would be way different from anyone else . I feel the most realistic (as much as that term has meaning in this context) portrayals of superheroes are the ones where they’re very distant . When you have bulletproof skin and can fly around the world in 3 minutes and only breath once a decade how much can you really relate to Joe Sixpack and Sally Lunchpail ?
Plus check this shit out – any time anything bad happened you’d probably feel like you could have prevented it . Because you could have . As a whatever I am it’s easy to shrug those things off because there’s nothing I can do anyway . But when you’re Ultraman 8800 how would you ever find peace in this world ?
It gets into the age-old nerd discussion – is Superman a jerk for spending time pretending to be Clark Kent ? Some people feel that he should be out doing Superman shit 24/7 because he can . Other people feel that he deserves “downtime” as much as anyone else .
It’s a good thing in a way that Superman doesn’t exist , because imagine how you’d feel it something horrible happened in your sphere of influence and you knew that Superman could have prevented it but didn’t .
In no fewer than 5 different movies/TV shows has the "joke" been made about a hand model who fell in love with their own hand and masturbated themselves into some kind of physical harm . This is not funny because the key to humor is a kernel of truth - and the truth is no one wants a handjob that much .
A handjob is like a bar fight - if it starts happening I'm not going to leave , I'll see how it plays out , but it's not what I want .
As I've mentioned there's very few women at my new job - say what you want about Evil Corp Inc LLC they had a very diverse workforce (except in management of course) and I noticed today that the few women that are there get touched a lot . Dudes are often putting their arms around them or touching their shoulders or arms or whatnot . I think that's part of the reason why the whole vibe there seems so off to me because there was none of that at my old job . I mean none .
At Evil Corp Inc one time in a meeting a dude patted a lady on the hand and everyone's asshole shrunk up so quickly all the air was sucked out of the room and we almost suffocated .
It's just strange how unprofessional the culture is there .
You can't just go around touching people , this isn't France .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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