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Party Goal
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Party Goal The swinger group I'm currently a part of had another party last weekend. It was at the same couple's house as the last party. I was ambivalent about going. The last party left me feeling weird. I told myself I would make an appearance, and that I could leave at any time. This is important. It's good not to have any expectations. It's also good to be social and spend time with like-minded people in a casual setting. And... it wasn't too bad this time. There were ice-breaker games in the basement again, of which I didn't really participate. I mostly spent time upstairs in the kitchen, talking with some people whose company I enjoy. My goal for the evening was not to have sex, or to talk to anyone about maybe having sex, or trying to flirt. These are goals I've had in the past, whether I consciously thought about it or not. My goal for the evening was to drive home without feeling miserable, and I nailed it. I'm not sure if this is a story about how successful I am, or how much of a failure I am. When you set your goals that low, it's hard not to achieve them. Or maybe I just need to start from scratch. Go to a party. Make small talk. Observe what goes on. Participate in what I feel comfortable with. Avoid what I don't. I did observe one of the ice-breakers. Everyone wrote down on a piece of paper the sexual favor they were willing to give. The people who wanted to receive that favor put their names into a bowl to be drawn out. No one wanted to be boring. One "favor" someone had written was to give a belly-blow; you know - that think your mom did to you when you were a - blowing on your belly, making a fart sound. It WAS kind of funny. And, like last time, the group laughed uproariously at the shenanigans when the (un?) lucky guy got his belly blown by one of the women for a full minute. The people in the group had fun. It seemed to be about having fun with your body, whether it was silly or sexual. I'm one of the biggest<b> cheerleaders </font></b>there is for living a non-monogamous lifestyle. I will happily explain how sex and emotion don't have to be connected; how your body is kind of like a toy, and you're welcome to use it as such, if it pleases you. But I have trouble separating sex and emotion. Looking back over my history, this is what my actions tell me; not my words. I have trouble letting go. In my deepest sexual fantasies, if I were honest with myself, I'm letting go completely; I am completely uninhibited, and focused purely on enjoyment. In practice, it is the opposite. And that's fine. I don't know that I'll ever be able to bring myself to enjoy one of these parties as much as the other people who go to them seem to be able to do. The point is that I'm still going, and challenging myself, and learning some things about myself that I maybe didn't expect. |
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25 new entries from you since I was here last. I had to go back a long way. Hope I didn't miss any! I know what you mean about not being able to separate the emotional from the physical. I can't do it either. For me, the emotional tie makes the physical so much better. I missed your blogs...why did I stay away so long? Hugs... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS!! (MY LIFE'S PHILOSOPHY)
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