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| Blogs > shannalvs2swllow > A Sex Addicts Self Discovery |
ATTN: Bloggers Needed For An Emergency Re-Write
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ATTN: Bloggers Needed For An Emergency Re-Write I have been asked to help a friend re-write the profile they have posted on one of the vanilla dating sites. Yes, it's the one i've made fun of before for having those crazy commercials. He's a great guy that simply needs a little help. After reading his version i've had a true case of writers block that I just can't shake, that's why i'm coming to you. I need your help with this!! I'm thinking that if I could harness the talent of my fellow bloggers, this also includes those of you who leave the great comments. We together can write this poor, sweet guy a pure solid gold profile. **If you help me with this, my next post will be about what I mailed to a perv from this site today and why...Promise! Ok, so here's his current profile: Do you ever feel as if the more you search for love, the further away it seems to be? When you ladies say “I don’t do drama”, does that include work life as well? All I want to do is serve the uninsured and help them get medications they need, but drama is what I am embroiled in…is that the same thing you are talking about? Or just personal relationship drama? I think I will use this space to reflect upon what I am feeling, at any given moment. Isn’t that what you want?...men who share their feelings? For 7 years I could not really share who I am , what I believe…without being run down for sharing those very things…after awhile you become numb, and then you wake up and realize…this is not me, I am more than this, I want more than this and all things start to disintegrate…but there is a renewal afterwards…this is where I am. Tonight, I met a buddy for drinks went home alone, had a few more, and began to write this comment thread…a stream of consciousness thread. I know who I am and what I want…I am confident in this fact. What do I want: Someone to share this spec of life I have been apportioned with, plain and simple. I want someone who “gets me” and I in return “get them.” Many say: “I want honesty” or “honesty is important”…well, honestly, sometimes I feel completely free, other times as if I am free falling ‒ into what I do not yet know and other times on top of the world. Most days I segue from one to the other ‒ randomly? I know not. What about you? Tonight I feel quite alone (am I a loser or pathetic for feeling this way in your eyes?)…most of my friends are married, have …the life I have always dreamed of…these thoughts are my reflection points for tonight. Perhaps you say, “lager and profile writing do not mix…avoid at all times” But what assumptions are inherent in that statement? At any rate, these are my reflections tonight…other reflections and comments to come…Sweet dreams and goodnight… I guess many of us here are looking for love, perhaps after experiencing the un-real thing, you, like me, wait with baited breath to find the real thing ‒ hoping that the day when you find it will soon come and the long search will have ended. I am not searching for a roommate, but a life-long companion and partner ‒ someone to actually share in the joys this life has to offer and to stand together when life’s storms gather. I have weathered my share of storms and have learned and grown from the pain associated with them. I learned at an early age all about life’s abrupt fragility. I write this, not for some kind of sympathy points, but to illustrate that I do truly understand that life is short and that it is better to not waste time, but to live life fully ‒ which is what I try to do. I am an optimistic and positive person ‒ one who loves to interact with all sorts of people. I have spent some time with those who generally have a negative outlook on life; where mistrust is almost always the first impulse; where mostly it is someone else’s fault and where they tend to be the victim in life’s narratives more often than not. I have chosen to distance myself from those holding this mindset. I do believe I have much love to give and much to share with someone. I so look forward to the dances we will share; the certain songs that will become markers in the timeline of our lives; the books we will read and discuss; the time spent together in prayer; the scraped knees of little ones that we will kiss and make all better; the mosquitoes at the campsite and the long walks on the beach. But mostly I look forward to the “oneness” only a soul mate can provide. So I journey to find it… _________________________________________________________________ IF you have come up with a complete re-write, let me in a blog comment and i'll get you my Y mail addy to send it to. Thanks everybody. Kisses to you all!!!! Muah!  Come For The Booty, Stay For The Brains |
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5/28/2009 10:20 pm |
I might have something that works. I tried to keep the overall tone and voice similar, but un-purpled the prose a tick and made the mood a little more upbeat. What a fun writing exercise!
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5/28/2009 11:19 pm |
He might try simplifying the whole damn thing. I hope he's not this long winded in person, talk about a date from hell. I know guys who ramble on and on and they pretty much fly solo. I stopped reading after the first few minutes, it tired me out, and waaaaaaaay too soppy. I'd say emphasize any minor manly qualities and cut out the navel gazing bullshit.
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Sorry, he doesn't stand a chance. He's a decent, thoughtful, intelligent, self-aware man - everything that women say that they want, nothing that women actually go for. He'd be better off getting a profile on HotMatch.com, posting a photo of his cock, boasting about how magnificent he is in bed and how he loves to give oral for hours. Everything women here say they want, well, you get the idea 
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5/29/2009 12:46 pm |
Here's my take; *He's absolutely right that lager and profile writing don't mix. This sounds like a late night drunk-spill, tear in your beer sort of thing. *Despite that he is obviosly a talented writer with a good vocabulary #1 - Cut out the "I've had a tough time in love" stuff. Nobody wants to hear that, it isn't attractive or interesting. We all have. #2 - What does he like? This is all about what he wants in relation to what he dislikes, or has experienced in a poor light in the PAST. A profile should be all about the present and future, with a sentence or two about being previously married if that is the case. #3 - The stuff about work drama is a serious turnoff. This says that not only is he unsure of himself (i.e. - "...does that include work life as well?"), it also says that the first thing out of his mouth on a date will be work related. This is probably not the case, he's probably a stunning, well read, and fun guy to talk too...but this isn't what he's saying by opening with a waffling intro about work. #4 - Transform the work thing into something positive and move it down a paragraph. Start with an intro about who he is; has he travelled, gone to an interesting school, done something interesting outside of work, have a passion besides work in his life? Then write a paragraph about how he is committed to social justice and the ability of people to get affordable insurance. This is noble, and sets him apart from a money hungry 9-5 shmoe. Make sure not to mention drama - people who mention drama, even in the context of being "drama free" are saying, "let's pay attention to drama" which translates to "I'm a closet drama queen". Again, this probably is untrue, but that is how it comes across. #5 - The last paragraph is a keeper. I really like it. Perhaps use that as the intro and then expand on it. It's positive, interesting, and shows that he is self aware without being too terribly sappy. There is my $0.02, hope it helps.
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yeah....about three lines into it I would be deleting and moving on..... keep it simple: I like........ I am looking for.... Then add some questions to answer such as: what is your favorite halloween costume...
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5/29/2009 8:55 pm |
hi darling. very kind of you to help. no doubt this guy is a real sweetheart. maybe i could help... but what if he ends up finding the one who i'm looking for, then what, huh? i mean really, he's a big boy. have him try again... sober. truly not a good idea to write the story for ms. right, under the influence... unless of course that's the way he spends most of his time, then it's right on the money. guessing though that not lots of women will be impressed by a half drunk effort to share his true nature... so if he's not just fucking around, and really gives s hit about it, well... effort is required. no such thing as a free ride baby. assistance? certainly, happy to help. hand holding and fabricating the whole fucking thing? come on... we'd have to start talking about remuneration, for such an important project. not that he hasn't expressed some good things, of course, maybe the context and attitude could be refined, clarified, etc. ok, dammit, here's two things; and he needs to figure out how to make it work. no cheating! **hint, maybe summarize in bullet points:       -less about him, more about his soul mate. inspiration required. when she reads him, she needs to feel as if he is speaking directly to her heart. - yes, life can be hard, uncertain, and unfair. shit, everyone over age 30 knows that. enough about how hard, more about how amazing and miraculous it is. his future ex (just kidding... kind of) needs to know his deepest thoughts and feelings are not subject to whichever way the fucking wind blows. more happy, positive and funny shit please... at least if i was a chick, i'd prefer it. lastly, apologies to this dude if anything i said offended... really, not that i necessarily give a shit about offending anyone, but we're just playing around here (no kidding, feel free to disregard this entire rant, it ok by me), and only because you asked darling. now back to perving please, and hurry! If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 
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Share some of my blog stuff with him and that will give him an idea about writing. Still his is too wordy and too touchy feely. He is trying too hard. Women in general like the guy to be strong and in control of himself at least and in most women, she wants too know he will be a man all the time. Most of his profile sounds like an explanation of all his past women's complaints or his perception of what went wrong. He needs to talk more about who he is, what he has or likes and spend less time assuring women he is NOT something. Who cares if he will NOT have drama, better too say, you are a man who has his act together. I am only a stranger the first time...  See my Blog everyone [blog sircernuunos] Or join this group SR - THE ADULT Hang-Out =P  If you are into playing a bit more extreme than vanilla ?*
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As others have said, he needs to tone it down a bit. I think he should only paint himself in a positive light. They can learn about the bad stuff after a few dates. I've helped more than a few guys here create a profile a woman will be attracted to. Women like men who are manly without being too cocky. They like men who can spell or use spell check and appear undumb. No woman wants to fuck or even date a dumbass! Be specific with what you're looking for, but not so specific that it looks like you're looking for the perfect woman. Perfect for you but not perfect for everyone, know what I mean?
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7/8/2009 7:26 am |
u have realy good collection and a good profile Looking for endless love and passsion session
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