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Open Relationships - What a chore...to other people! :P
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Open Relationships - What a chore...to other people! :P Open relationships. How do you even begin to explain yourself and your choices to those friends of yours who ask? I've had my fair share of experiences trying to explain what it is and how it makes sense to us, not only me, not only him. Granted, not all my experiences trying to explain myself have been bad. I've had some good, understanding reactions. And I'm not even looking for understanding, just non-judgemental. Most of the time though, its tiring AF trying to explain myself. It's the same for the husband too. It's tiring. So most of the time, we just don't bother. The only problem with that is, if/when people find out, and we try to explain, it gets weird, sometimes. Anyhoo. I usually keep it to myself, and for those who know, know. And those who don't, don't. I have a bf, and keep a close knit of friends who know, and an even smaller group that I actively play with. So I haven't had to have this conversation or anything of the like for awhile now. And lo-and-behold, I get it happening all in one week! I've been in SG this past week and the husband came by so we could spend a bit of time together. As luck would also have it, I got sick the past two days and have been crashing through the weekend. But that's beside the point. Back to this. Last night, feeling a bit better, we went out for dinner. We bumped into one of our old friends, who used to work together with us. It was us, this friend of ours, and his wife. Like I said, we all used to work together but he was always more the husband's friend than he was mine. You know, one of those. Since we've known each other for a good few years now, we got quite comfortable with each other's company. At one point, I came back to the table and the was greeted by a sudden, hushed silence. It was so obvious it got awkward. So, naturally, I called them out on it.  (granted, I really wasn't feeling well so, social etiquette wasn't at it's best). The friend and his wife kept quiet about it, so I pressed the husband on it. He laughed and said it was nothing. Of course I pressed him a little more, cos it obviously wasn't nothing. . Turns out, the wife saw me while I was out with my fwb a few weeks back when I was here last. She told her husband, who then had texted my husband about it. I don't know how my husband responded to the texts, but apparently, they felt the need to bring it up again. Cos they thought I was cheating on him, and for reasons unknown to them, my husband knew and didn't want to do anything about it. You can see how it looks like. They felt like I was I was bullying him or something. (and for the record, they ARE nice people)Didn't help when my initial reaction was to laugh. They started getting a little worked up, and the husband and I had to calm them down before we told them we were in an open marriage. I was trying very hard to not tell them how we started but I suppose, it couldn't be helped, so we had a long drawn out conversation on how we got into it and how it's like for us, the problems we've had, and how it works for us. I thought it was an honest and careful description that my husband and I gave, and it took a fairly long time too. So it was a bit of a kick in the face when all he (our friend) could say was, "So you let other people fuck your wife?!?"  And he kept directing his question to my husband too. I'm like, "hello? I'm sitting right here". And no one "lets' other people fuck anyone. It's a conscious decision by both of us. (Hang on... I suppose that does mean we "let" it )It got a bit awkward for only a little while after that, but as soon as they knew (and all credit to them, by the way) I wasn't cheating on the hubby, things got back to normal. But still, its THAT kind of reactions that make it really tiresome to explain ourselves. Which is. bitch, cos it's exactly those kind of situations that require us to explain ourselves..
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At the end of the day, the husband and I both know that it's no one else's business but our own. (One of the contributing factors why we moved away from Singapore too. Not a major one, but it was one of it) And we're at the stage where we can care less about anyone else's opinions, but its still a bit of a chore having to explain to some people. Right? I mean, presumably you're explaining only cos you want those to know.
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Open relationships are a true blessing, most peoples cannot understand the beauty of it! I am a lover of positive energy. Fun happens when positivity pops!
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11/24/2018 4:14 am |
Thanks for this. Now that I have permission to play outside the relationship I know there will eventually be a difficult situation to handle, and part of that compounding of difficulty is that I'm kind of known publicly in a field that is still a bit of a niche (it's a sport I write about) and will likely run into someone I know, who will be shocked. Many can be counted on to be discreet but there's always some knuckleheads out there in a country of 325 million. I just have to be patient and hope I can explain the situation well too! This is definitely a help. Maybe being 60 will make it easier as the people I run around with are not your age group and many of them have lived lives where they appreciate that as we get older life becomes less black and white and more grey . . .
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Its no one else's business but someone will always feel they have to ask. Just the way of many peoples nature. 
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I think a lot of people try to conform into what they believe society tells them to . Then they project that view on how others should live. I personally have never really wanted to "fit in". As long as it doesn't involve kids or farm animals, why should it matter what anyone else's preferences are.  " I refuse to belong to any organization that would accept me as a member" Groucho Marx
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As you stated, it's no one's business except your own. I just wonder if they initially mentioned it as they were looking out for their friend (your husband) and thought there might be something going on behind his back. Relationships - no wonder they create so much stress!  Good for them for understanding your situation.
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Yes, it's amazing how most educated people consider themselves broad-minded, and respect other peoples choices.......until confronted with something that runs contrary to their own value system. As you say, best to keep it to yourselves to avoid having to explain. It would be different if you displayed your relationships openly.
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Can't really avoid the question when others see you out & about. There aren't many in SG that would be accepting of your arrangement. It's a conservative society & such openness without guilt rattles their cages. All you can do is say, "This is our thing & we're happy with it. We just hope that others can accept that we are happy & not pass judgement." Then, change the subject (quickly).
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Thanks for this. Now that I have permission to play outside the relationship I know there will eventually be a difficult situation to handle, and part of that compounding of difficulty is that I'm kind of known publicly in a field that is still a bit of a niche (it's a sport I write about) and will likely run into someone I know, who will be shocked. Many can be counted on to be discreet but there's always some knuckleheads out there in a country of 325 million. I just have to be patient and hope I can explain the situation well too! This is definitely a help. Maybe being 60 will make it easier as the people I run around with are not your age group and many of them have lived lives where they appreciate that as we get older life becomes less black and white and more grey . . . Thanks for chipping in
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Its ok to not get it, or disagree with it. We're all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions. We're married for reason most people are - we love each other (like most marriages, most of the time ) and have a commitment to each other. Think of it as....having unusual extra-curricular activities  Thanks for stopping by
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I think a lot of people try to conform into what they believe society tells them to . Then they project that view on how others should live. I personally have never really wanted to "fit in". As long as it doesn't involve kids or farm animals, why should it matter what anyone else's preferences are.
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Yeah, that's exactly it, isn't it...but we still find ourselves in those situations. Thankfully not often. But still Thanks for chipping in
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As you stated, it's no one's business except your own. I just wonder if they initially mentioned it as they were looking out for their friend (your husband) and thought there might be something going on behind his back. Relationships - no wonder they create so much stress! Good for them for understanding your situation.
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Yes, it's amazing how most educated people consider themselves broad-minded, and respect other peoples choices.......until confronted with something that runs contrary to their own value system. As you say, best to keep it to yourselves to avoid having to explain. It would be different if you displayed your relationships openly.
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you two are happy with your life style, that what matters
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Thanks for this. Now that I have permission to play outside the relationship I know there will eventually be a difficult situation to handle, and part of that compounding of difficulty is that I'm kind of known publicly in a field that is still a bit of a niche (it's a sport I write about) and will likely run into someone I know, who will be shocked. Many can be counted on to be discreet but there's always some knuckleheads out there in a country of 325 million. I just have to be patient and hope I can explain the situation well too! This is definitely a help. Maybe being 60 will make it easier as the people I run around with are not your age group and many of them have lived lives where they appreciate that as we get older life becomes less black and white and more grey . . .
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The simple answer might be, "It's only cheating if the man and woman expect exclusivity from each other, and we are non-exclusive by mutual agreement." But the nuisance of having to explain is one reason that it's often easier to keep non-exclusivity in the closet.
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