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I promise to get you pregant with SOMETHING
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I promise to get you pregant with SOMETHING "To become the spectator of one's own life is to escape the suffering of life ." - Sharkboy (pretty sure) Ha , I thought I was looking at a black lady and it was just a white lady in tights ! What a maroon . I meant to do the dishes last night but I forgot . My brain is really starting to go - and it wasn't much of a brain to begin with . I heard someone say "douche powder" the other day . Is that a real thing or were they being weird ? I have only a vague understanding of how douching works but a powder seems like it would be counter productive . It seems like you would douche to get powder out of your snizz . Penises are weird things aren't they ? Mine is definitely fun sized (if you know what I mean) but sometimes I have issues getting normal sized condoms on it . One time Betsy was like "hey use this Magnum" and I laughed right in her face , because Magnum ? Come on . But it worked a lot better . I finally deleted the episodes of the "new" X-Files I had on the DVR , I just realized I was never going to watch them .  I had a major "thing" for Gillian Anderson back in the day . So binge watching is all the rage these days and never let it be said that 40Deuce is not one to join in a fad . So I binge watched the first two seasons of the X-Files . Here are my notes . If you look closely you can see the point where I went insane from watching TV for days on end . Season 1 Episode 1 – Pilot : They haven’t written a theme song yet . Scully ,we have a rogue agent in the basement , go stare disapprovingly . Mulder can you run your hands over my mostly nude body ? Boring . I mean to check to aliens . Better . Season 1 Episode 2 – Deep Throat : Deep Throat is barely in this episode . Watching the episodes in order I’m impressed by how solid this show was from the start . There is so much goofy stuff but also so much tension and atmosphere and good scenes of Scully losing patience with crap . Think of how long Star Trek: The Next Generation ran before they tried doing episodes that made any god damn sense. The X-Files also has the highest bit-player-to-star incidence of just about any TV show . That was totally Seth Green and the stoner chick is voice actress Lalainia Lindbjerg , known to nerds as Bulma in Dragon Ball . Season 1 Episode 3 – Squeeze : The first monster of the week . The whole polka-dot-tie-over-striped-shirt-with-slicked-back-hair look is something you don’t see so much today and you didn’t even see much in the ’90s . The other agent dude in this episode is kind of a 1980s Gordon Gecko holdover . Two things that happened a lot in the early episodes: someone from Mulder’s or Scully’s past getting involved in an X-File (thus creating Personal Interest) and Scully getting threatened by monsters so Mulder has to come rescue her . The thing is Scully looks capable of ramming her fist down the throat of just about any monster when sufficiently ticked off whereas Mulder’s clearly going to do a girly scream if things get hairy . In this case , though , Tooms coming out of the heating vent at Scully is frickin’ scary . You remember the girl crawling out of the TV in The Ring ? It’s like that but sped up . Even Scully is going to lose it when that guy grabs her ankle . Season 1 Episode 4 – Conduit : Sometimes psychic transmissions aren’t so useful . There are a bunch of little plot points in this episode that seemed pointless , like the mom (played by Diary of a Mad Housewife star and onetime Neil Young girlfriend Carrie Snodgrass) being a former alien abductee herself . It’s a very plotty episode . Scully’s hair changes in every episode . Season 1 Episode 5 – Jersey Devil : Homeless + Woman + Cave = Not Scary . I forgot this episode came so early in the show . Season 1 Episode 6 – Shadows : An episode that just kinda hangs there . Actual detective work ! Mulder hates it when Scully is right or in danger of being right . Especially if she has a rival supernatural theory . Watch for it . He gets all pouty . Season 1 Episode 7 – Ghost In the Machine : The best part is when they said Phone Phreaks . Obviously the best part of this episode is the nerdy computer guy whose name sounds suspiciously like “Wozniak” and his very dated hacking lingo . I have trouble getting into stories about evil computerized houses , even though it’s the same concept as a ghost . Computers just aren’t as scary as ghosts . All they can do is drop an elevator on you . They can’t make the elevator fill with a hundred gallons of blood . Season 1 Episode 8 – Ice : The one where they rip off the movie the Thing and its pretty cool . The wacky scientist is Bania from Seinfeld ! Season 1 Episode 9 – Space : A challenger reference ? Too soon X-Files . Although this episode is not very good at all I kind of enjoyed it just for all the Mission Control scenes and astronaut footage . It’s very soothing. Season 1 Episode 10 – Fallen Angel : Mulder’s first fanboy . This is becoming rapidly more obvious as I watch these episodes , it would be so easy to convert The X-Files into an awesome sitcom . This would be the episode where a special guest star plays Mulder’s crazy buddy and Scully has to let him crash on her couch . Season 1 Episode 11 – Eve : The Parent Trap . I have a friend who’s super creeped out by the evil trope because of “the corruption of innocence” . He doesn’t have clearly because if he did he would know they’re monsters . Clones , evil , lady mad scientists , and old educational/training film – good times . Mulder is really hung up on aliens . The initial case here involves men getting exsanguinated and his first theory is aliens . Excuse me , Mulder , but have you forgotten about a little thing called vampires ? Season 1 Episode 12 – Fire : Mulder kisses a girl ! I forgot they did a thing were Mulder had a woman – so unsettling . This episode’s idea of how British people talk is hilarious . That said , Amanda Pays is excellent as crack agent and Mulder ex-girlfriend Phoebe Green . I would watch X-Files: Scotland Yard . Season 1 Episode 13 – Beyond the Sea : Scully has daddy issues . I really like that song though . Season 1 Episode 14 – Gender Bender : Amish people get freaky deaky . This episode has so many wasted opportunities . Why is there no scene where Scully is making out with a dude and then he turns into a lady ? Why even do a gender-switch episode if you don’t put in stuff like that ? I tried so hard to make a Rumspringa joke here, but it just wasn’t happening Season 1 Episode 15 – Lazarus : Some people say this is a just a bad episode of Quantum Leap , I disagree – it’s a great episode of Quantum Leap . The skull mask is pretty cool . Scully just keeps pumping electricity into that guy until he lights up like Coney Island . According to Wikipedia, the actor who played the possessed ex Christopher Allport died in 2008 in an avalanche . Seriously . He was also Slimy Pete’s disapproving dad in “Mad Men” . Season 1 Episode 16 – Young At Heart : Why do doctors love giving convicts superpowers so much ? I know Robert Downey Jr says you should never go full Benjamin Button but I’m always disappointed when backwards-aging shows don’t end with the person turning into a baby and then disappearing . A 40-year-old turning into a 20-year-old just doesn’t do it for me . Season 1 Episode 17 – EBE : Because ET is trademarked . This is the kind of episode that cruelly tricked people into thinking the big story arc of The X-Files was going somewhere . It’s pretty dope . But then Mulder doesn’t even get to see the dead alien ! That’s just mean , The Conspiracy . Season 1 Episode 18 – Miracle Man : Remember that song “She’s Got the Look” ? So that guy is Jesus I guess ? Season 1 Episode 19 – Shapes : Dances with werewolves . Over the years the X-Files did a bunch of episodes based on the monster legends of different American cultures : zombies , golems , chupacabras , whatever was going on in the Chinatown episode , anything Native American, etc. I like this idea in theory but in practice it tended to lead to meh episodes , possibly because actually researching these myths and legends was too much work . Native Americans have plenty of reason to be suspicious of the federal government , but man , these people are not helpful about dealing with the werewolf problem at all . Season 1 Episode 20 – Darkness Falls : One of my faves . As you all know the main plot of Twelve Monkeys is taken from a short film from the ’60s called “La Jetee”. But am I the only one to notice that the B plot (that is the thing that actually ends up causing the apocalypse while everyone is distracted by Brad Pitt’s shenanigans) is lifted from the classic James Tiptree Jr story “The Last Flight of Dr. Ain” ? The screenwriters wrote Blade Runner , so presumably they know their New Wave science fiction. Is this just me ? Am I the only person who cares this much about Twelve Monkeys ? Excellent work making mites scary . Mites are pretty scary in real life , too , but try using them for campfire stories. ”And then the hippies who put their urban homestead chicken coop too close to their gray-water recycling tank got typhus and had to burn everything they owned . ” Scully freaks out a lot in this episode . Still , mites . Season 1 Episode 21 – Tooms : Squeeze 2 the Electric Boogaloo . I’m given to understand that the guy who played Tooms is now one half of the most horrifying couple on a horrifying reality show . So he’s kept busy . Season 1 Episode 22 – Born Again : Nobody I talked to remembered that this episode existed . A dead police officer growing up a little girl’s body ? I’d watch that show that . Season 1 Episode 23 – Roland : Yeah , 23 episodes and still season 1 . Shows used to be like this . Not this 4 episodes every 7 months crap they do now . This is the second episode in a row about revenge from beyond the grave . Move on , dead people – the best revenge is living well . . . . oh . Season 1 Episode 24 – The Erlenmeyer Flask : I like this episode because I can say Erlenmeyer flask when I want to sound like I know dick about chemistry . I guess they jammed a BUNCH of stuff into this episde because they thought they would be cancelled . Have you ever seen Mulder laugh ? He’s like Jesus in that way ; great at parties , nothing against the guy , but never cuts loose on a joke . Season 2 Episode 1 – Little Green Men : What will happen , they shut down the X-files ! Blue Berets are better than the Green Berets ? Shouldn’t the Green Berets be as cool as the Blue and Yellow Berets combined ? Season 2 Episode 2 – Host : Flukeman ! I love the scenes where they actually capture Flukeman and then have to figure out what to do with him . The dude in that suit was a writer on the show . Season 2 Episode 3 – Blood : This is not the dumb vampire one this is a cool one . Everyone else says that Wetwired is better but those people can go fuck themselves ! This episode doesn’t get enough love . Fans feel that the references to then-recent violent news stories were over the top . But this episode , more than almost any other , captures the rambling weirdness of true Art Bell-style four-in-the-morning conspiracy paranoia . Season 2 Episode 4 – Sleepless : There was an episode of the Twilight Zone like this . The chick that plays Scully is pregnant so they make her stand behind stuff and bring in Krycek . Season 2 Episode 5 – Duane Berry : I love Duane Berry . They drilled holes in my god damn teeth ! This episode is for the ladies – Mulder in a swimsuit . Season 2 Episode 6 – Ascension : This episode features the Nick Cave song “Red Right Hand” which I love . It’s also used in the Scream movies , but The X-Files did it first. Speaking of which , I heartily recommend tracking down the old X-Files soundtrack album Songs in the Key of X , which is so great that “Red Right Hand” isn’t even the most amazing track . That would be William Burroughs doing a spoken-word reading of REM “Star Me Kitten” . Season 2 Episode 7 – 3 : This is the terrible vampire episode . I thought at first the chick tore through the roof of the car , which would have been cool , but it there was a moonroof . Season 2 Episode 8 – One Breath : Scully in a mind boat . She filmed this episode 3 days after having a baby . Man , this episode is action-packed . The part where the Lone Gunman visit Scully in the hospital ? Adorable . Mulder wears Scully’s cross necklace . FOR THE FANS . Season 2 Episode 9 – Firewalker : Just like the arctic episode only on a volcano and not as good . Season 2 Episode 10 – Red Museum . I remembered this episode being good . It wasn’t . There’s like 77 red herrings . And then episode just kind of ends . Walk-ins ? WTF ? Christopher Walkens would have been a better ending . Season 2 Episode 11 – Excelsis Dei : Ghost (banned word) According to Wikipedia , Entertainment Weekly called this episode “offbeat and cute”. This episode opens with an onscreen (banned word) . Sometimes I don’t miss the ’90s at all . There’s a whole moral at the end about how our society needs to show more respect to its senior citizens , which would maybe be more compelling if the senior citizens weren't all jerks . The only one who even tries to stop the ghost (banned word) is the old lady from the marble rye episode of Seinfeld . She deserves respect . The rest of them , meh . Season 2 Episode 12 – Aubrey : What’s the deal with Aubrey Plaza anyway ? Terry O’Quinn is an awesome . If you’ve never seen him in the 1980s thriller The Stepfather , you need to do that now . He’s the best evil-sociopath-unconvincingly-and-creepily-acting-normal short of Christian Bale in American Psycho . Or Christian Bale in real life . The woman who plays the possessed cop , Deborah Strang , does a really good job of transforming from regular to evil . She doesn’t seem to have had much of a career , which is too bad . Season 2 Episode 13 – Irresistible : Hair and fingernails . AAAAAH DONNIE PFASTER AAAAAH ! Season 2 Episode 14 – Die Hand Die Verletzt : The hand that wounds ? Fantastic . I love the idea of lapsed Satan worshippers . I would totally watch a spinoff of the Satanic Adventures of Mrs. Paddock . Season 2 Episode 15 – Fresh Bones : The Voodoo episode . I am a sucker for voodoosploitation (although I realize that its offensive , I guess I don’t care ? ) but I feel this episode needed to voodoo things up a lot more . Season 2 Episode 16 – Colony : Mulder fake sister return for the 1st of 6 times . I like how in the continuity episodes whenever they run out of things for Scully to do they just have her wander around a secret lab looking at alien fetuses and crap . I wish that were my job . Season 2 Episode 17 – End Game : I forgot how many times there were just blatantly clones in this show , seems like that should have legitimized things . Skinner’s fist ! I think this is the only time someone assumes Mulder’s form and doesn’t immediately use it to put the moves on Scully . What is he , a gay alien shapeshifting hit man ? Season 2 Episode 18 – Fearful Symmetry : Invisible zoo animals on wheels . Yeah . Season 2 Episode 19 – Dod Kalm : I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again : in any story involving weird aging stuff , all I really want is to see somebody turn into a baby and then disappear . If that’s not going to happen , wake me up when it’s over . Season 2 Episode 20 – Humbug : I don’t know what Chang , Eng , and their wives did in their special together time , but they must have liked it , because they did it a lot . Season 2 Episode 21 – Calusari : The Omen with Romanian people . Mulder peeked during the exorcism , that means he’s damned or something . I feel like the grandma went down too easy . Have you ever ever met an old Eastern European lady ? In a contest between an old Eastern European lady and Satan , I’m betting on the one in the babushka . Season 2 Episode 22 – F Emasculata : What the hell is that title about ? I want to know more about the evil Black Ops CDC that shows up in this episode . They would be useful in zombie movies . Season 2 Episode 23 – Soft Light : The end of this one is super dark for the X-Files . The X-Files has so many before-they-were-stars moments . In addition to featuring Tony “Monk” Shaloub , this was the first X-Files directed by Vince Gilligan , the dude from Breaking Bad and Saul . So , pretty solid talent here . Season 2 Episode 24 – Our Town : Now that we know this town is full of cannibal serial killers we should split up . Love this episode . They should’ve done a follow-up where Mulder and Scully fight the genetically-engineered twenty-legged KFC chicken of urban legend . Season 2 Episode 25 – Anasazi : Dead alien boxcar . Yeah . Are you kidding me ? Almost 50 episodes in TWO seasons . By today’s standards that is literally insane . 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(I skipped over the entire X files synopsis) I think Magnums come in handy when the guy is girthy. Regular condoms are often too tight, no matter what the length may be. The folks who make Lelo vibrators have supposedly come out with a "revolutionary" new condom that's thin and comfy, yet strong. I admit I'm a little curious about it.   
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I still have a major thing for Gillian Anderson.
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