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Remember Dido ?
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Remember Dido ? Is it just me or is the motion you use when trying to get change out of the vending machine hole the same as when you're fingering a classy lady ? Oh , it is just me . Sorry . Whatever happened to Dido ? Does she qualify as a one-hit wonder ? Did you know her real name is Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong ? And that she's a diehard Arsenal fan ? I don't care about soccer but I do sometimes pretend to be an Arsenal fan .  Only moments ago I was at the fueling station and a dude who's car was emitting voluminous plumes of smoke asked me for help and I told him I don't really know anything about cars and he said "Oh sorry , you look like a blue collar type" . This took be aback somewhat . I would have never suspected that I look like a blue collar type . I would have bet the farm that I look like a doofus type . Granted I was wearing my cruddy lawn work clothes but to me that just means I look like a doofus in cruddy clothes . Which honestly are barely distinguishable from my normal attire . Speaking of , I noticed today the cuff (is that what you call the bottom of pants) of my favorite chinos were frayed . So I burned them when I got home to keep me from stupidly tossing them in the wash and wearing them again by accident . It's a waste but what else could I do ? Charitable organizations won't take damaged clothes and no one I know is both poor and needs chinos . And when you try to give clothes you don't want to non-poor people they get real upset . Dudes anyway . It may be different with women . I've been using my washing machine for some number of years now (4 ? 5 ? 6 ? )and I just noticed the other day that the fabric softener hole says "dilute with water" up to a certain line . I suppose that would be why all my white shirts have green fabric softener blob stains on them . [blog sweet0necter] reminded me of the time people tried to rob me or home invade me or whatever the heck they were doing . I'm sure I've blogged about it before , maybe even twice before , but I will do it again now . You can check and see how much the story has changed . Human memory is the worst right ? I'll do the short version . Truck pulls up to my driveway . Inside is a sexy lady , a hunky dude and a uggo dude . They talk amongst themselves . Uggo comes to the door and tries to give the religious spiel . He does poorly , gets frustrated and goes back to the truck . The comely couple comes to the door and lays on the charm . I get a weird feeling and look to the sliding glass backdoor . Another dude and a are trying to pry the backdoor open . I slam the front door shut and run back there . The dude bails but the runs inside and I smack him on the head . The runs off also . They all haul ass away in the truck . It was quite frightening at the time but looking back its just weird . On the memory front , I mention to my cop buddy the other day that there's a story about two friends of mine that does not involve me at all , but as more and more time passes I remember it like I was there . He said this is a normal thing , which is why eyewitness testimony is almost always widely confabulated . The more you think about something the more it becomes a memory like it happened to you . One time a lady goes she goes "are we a couple ?" and I says to her I says "Of course we're a couple . . . a couple of knuckleheads !" Rimshot . It went over about as well as you would expect . Its funny , I assume my clownery is what attracts women to me (those few who are attracted) but that's also the thing that they eventually grow to hate . The lesson ? Only dates dudes you're not attracted to I guess . I don't want to be the 17 billionth man in human history to ask "Why women got to put labels on everything" so instead I will indulge in an even more obnoxious man behavior , I will mansplain why women are always with the labels . You see women are very goal oriented . They like to measure their progress towards said goals , naturally . If you agree that you're a couple then that's one step closer . Closer to what ? Getting engaged . Which is progress towards getting married . Which is progress towards growing bored with each other . Which is progress towards said boredom turning to hatred . Which is progress to getting divorced . Which is progress towards the ultimate goal of admitting that like you sex and doing freaky stuff with dudes from the internet . And you might be thinking , whoa , can't we just go straight to the end ? And to that I say , we're working on it . There used to be a lot more steps . Letter jackets and going steady and promise rings and dowries and chattels and being sewn into a bag and capturing a Leprechaun etc et al . We're getting there . Before I gave up dating altogether towards the end I adopted the strategy of saying "you can say we're whatever you want , I'm your boyfriend , I'm just some dude , we're married , I don't give a shit - its just words man ." And for some reason that didn't go over well . Shocking huh ? Today I said something 40deucey and this lady says to me she says "where did you get that from" and I told her it was an original thought . We went down that path a little and I thought I was busted as an AFFer , which I guess I was , but she never accused me of writing this blog , just of reading it . Isn't that interesting ? See lady , I do too write this blog ! Did I mention that I feel like dumping a bucket of blood on someone ala Carrie seems like it would actually be really hard ? I feel like I did . Even if you knew exactly where they were going to stand its a bucket - its not a sniper rifle . I doubt you could hit them dead-on like in the movie . I think if you really wanted to douse them you have to just throw a bucket of blood at them - like they do to people in mink stoles . I was talking about this with some young people , they all knew about Carrie , but they all thought that the evil popular killed a pig to get that blood . I told them you can go to a slaughterhouse and buy all the blood you want . These crazy these days , don't even know how to get blood . Oh , is there a blood app ? Is this pig blood 4G ? My point is , I feel like giving someone a pig-blood facials is definitely illegal but I can't put my finger on what you'd be charged with . Is throwing liquid on someone assault ? Technically maybe . Is it criminal mischief ? Destruction of property ? Prom dresses ain't cheap . Disorderly conduct ? What if it was just a bucket of water ? Is that illegal ? Probably it is , but would anyone really care ? Maybe they would if you dumped the water on a chesty broad in a white shirt . In conclusions I bought a mango Monday (as I do every Mango Monday) and I ate it today and it sucked . I'm starting to think mangos are like peaches , a good one is better than sex but finding a good one is so rare its not even worth trying . Just like sex . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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You might not have known how to put the fabric softener in the machine but at least you use fabric softener - you're ahead of me with your laundry-fu. I wonder why I'm the one who's so paranoid about crime when you're the one that has actually had a home invasion?   
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Mangoes are like that.
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Mansplain? Is that a real word or something borrowed from Ricky Ricardo? "Oh, Deu-uce, yous got some mansplainin' to do!" Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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