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Mormons , drunk eskimos , jellyfish , and a Soloflex
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Mormons , drunk eskimos , jellyfish , and a Soloflex The holiday season is uponst us once again and as the year comes to and end it’s a time for quiet contemplation and somber self-reflection . As we approach the time when we celebrate the birth of our savior we look inward and examine not just the past year but our hopes and dreams for the future . Its at times like this that I feel its important that we all gather together and remember that one time I almost had a threesome ‒ the good kind . Some might say “what does Christmas have to do with you almost getting it on with two ladies ?” Well if you think about it it makes perfect sense . After all Jesus lived and died so that I might have the chance to nail too classy ladies at the same time without having to worry about spending eternity in hell for doing so . And , in the larger sense consider this ‒ when you’re nailing a hot piece and you look down and see an equally hot piece getting her pussy picked and nuzzled like there’s no tomorrow you’re about as close to the face of god as you can get . The three-way is a rare and miraculous thing ‒ one that reaffirms for us not only that a higher power exists , but that that power is not only benign but benevolent . My story of the time I almost had a three-way begins , as they most often do , in Phenix City , Alabama . The year was 1997 , a year that saw such marvels as - Titanic becoming the highest grossing “movie” of all time , Red Skelton dying (or so the Masons would have you believe) , production began on a movie that would ruin the lives of Star Wars fans everywhere, construction began on the international space station , a bunch of annoying stoners decided that everyone needed to hear about a crappy band that can’t spell , and people were just starting to freak out about Y2K . At the time I was sharing my apartment with a girl named Siavuk who claimed to be an Inuit but who we all know was really an Eskimo . She had a little bit of a drinking problem but she was always on time with the rent and she was always cool when I “accidentally” walked in on her while she was showering . There I was one day working out on my Soloflex (in the nude of course) while eating some pretty tasty baby back ribs and singing “Don’t Fear The Reaper” . Sidenote 1 ‒ you should fear the reaper . Sidenote 2 ‒ the key to working out and eating ribs is to eat them at a faster rate than you’re working out to make sure you still gain weight . Anyway , there I was doing my thing when out of nowhere I got barbecue sauce on my testicles . Needless to say I was stunned and couldn’t even move ‒ we all know that Alamaba state law prohibits the application of condiments to any of the various parts of the male genitalia . While I was momentarily frozen by fear of Alabama state troopers in walked Siavuk . She had had a few drinks for breakfast but she spotted my saucy dilemma almost immediately , and despite her impairment she sprang into action . I think you know what I’m saying right ? That girl loved barbecue sauce , I tell you what . Anyway , she handed me a towel and I was able to wipe off the sauce before any law enforcement personnel were any the wiser . Its okay to talk about it now because the statute of limitations on such a crime is only seven years . Just then came a knock on the door , and despite my unclad state Siavuk answered the door ‒ revealing a friendly Mormon wanting to tell us about her “religion” . Needless to say she was somewhat startled by my impressive dangling man-bits but we quickly assured her that there was no condiment on genital action and she was reassured . I found out that her name was Laurentine as we all had sandwiches and she told us about whatever Mormonism is about ‒ it was hard to make it all out what with the accent and all . Once we finished I became aware that some Miracle Whip had dripped onto my scrotum . Needless to say I was a little embarrassed . Thankfully the girls noticed and they knew just want to do ‒ they dropped to their hands and knees . They also bowed their heads so they wouldn’t see while I cleaned myself up . I thanked them and we decided to head down to the beach . Mormons and Eskimos love the beach ‒ and we all know that Alabama has the nicest ones in this hemisphere . Once we got there I got a little bit of flack because it wasn’t a nude beach ‒ I tried to tell them I don’t put pants on unless I’m going to work or to church (or fight club , but I’m not supposed to talk about that) but I was still kind of upset . To make myself feel better I got a meatball sub , and wouldn’t you know it one of the meatballs fell off and bounced right off my penis like a fat off a diving board ‒ covering my junk with marinara sauce . I was humiliated . Thankfully Siavuk and Laurantine were there to help me out ‒ they got that look in their eyes , they licked their lips all sexy like they do , and their eyes drifted souothwards . To a towel that they held up to cover me while I ran into the ocean . The ocean is good for washing tomato-based sauce off your cock , but it also has its bad side ‒ the fearsome Alabamian Box Jelly . I got stung , stung bad . Now I’m the toughest man in America ten times over but that pain was indescribable , it was more than I could bare . If Chuck Norris had been stung like I had he’d have cried himself to death inside of one-tenth of a second ‒ that’s how bad it was . Now we all know what you do with a jellyfish sting right ? Sad , but true . Laurentine offered to do it , but we all know that Eskimo urine is more powerfully full of ammonia . So it happened . And let me just say this ‒ no offense to anyone ‒ no matter what Patrick Stewart says there is NOTHING erotic about a woman going to the bathroom . Nothing . The pain was now bearable , but I had another problem , there was urine all over my dick . Which isn’t that uncommon normally , but this time it wasn’t my urine . Laurentine and Siavuk offered to get it off with a slow , sensual bout of licking and sucking leading to some wild , no holes barred screwed , but that is just sick so I got the hell out of there . I mean come on people ‒ we’re talking about urine here . Anyway on the way home I asked two hot babes if they wanted to get it on and they said “no thanks” , and that’s the time I almost had a three-way . Happy Holidays ! 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How dare you laugh at my touching true story ? For shame Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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