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Goldfish Don't Bounce
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Posted:Mar 7, 2014 10:09 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2014 8:15 pm
19233 Views
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Does the road wind up-hill all the way? Yes, to the very end. Will the day's journey take the whole long day? From morn to night, my friend.
~Grantland Rice
Changes to work life have meant longer days on the clock. Coupled with da chirrens springtime increase in activities--it all equals exhaustion.
"Yeah right," you say.
The other night I went to be at 8:30 PM. This NEVER happens. I haven't been this tired since I was first pregnant!
Years and years ago I was diagnosed with depression related to hormone flux in childbearing. I was initially guided to deal with it, then after numerous attempts at self-injurious behavior I was put on a pharmaceutical regimen. That helped a great deal, as did leaving with and exorcising my then husband.
Shocking.
This week I thought of those times--which I have not done in years--as I felt myself slipping right through the rabbit hole. I have a fabulously good facade, and I can fool you more easily than you would think.
So knowing myself, I forced myself to continue to interact with my colleagues, da chirrens, all the people I normally associate with (although I did put myself in adult timeout one night for an unnecessarily snarky commentary).
When you feel weak, you feel like you cannot take one more step, do one more thing...well, sometimes you want to hide your perceived inadequacies as some sort of protection.
I chose to prioritize my god-awful to-do list to those items needed for family survival--emotional and physical. The rest? Phhhfftttt.
I am climbing back out-otherwise I probably could not speak of it. One word answers suffice in the black hole. Now it's movies on the computer, and relaxing in the nothing doing right now.
I don't think I'm alone in this flux. Mother Nature's power surges, the exuberant tossing of pollen by everything growing, green thing...a grand conspiracy, no?
Sometimes the best part of being alone, is being alone.
Sometimes the worst part of being alone, is being alone.
“A hard fall means a high bounce... if you're made of the right material.”
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Loving the cabin!
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Posted:Feb 13, 2014 9:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2014 8:40 pm
18787 Views
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“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
~Bill Watterson
We made it.
We survived the crippling ice and snow that brought the South to its knees yet again. And we made it through with all power, heat, and water intact.
And no one wanted to go outside.
No sledding, no walks to the store, not even out to check the mail. The car and garage door have remained idle since Tuesday last.
Phhffttt, no hardy adventurous souls here!
The Machine laments the weather, and the continued closing of the metro area, since the gift he sent to my place of employment will not be received. Sorry--Atlanta is closed, please come back later!
“Nature has no mercy at all. Nature says, "I'm going to snow. If you have on a bikini and no snowshoes, that's tough. I am going to snow anyway."”
~Maya Angelou
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To Nyquil and some time
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Posted:Feb 8, 2014 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2014 9:23 pm
19428 Views
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The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
~Walter Bagehot
It has taken a great effort of will to write.
Many times I have thought about it, many times I had a fully formed idea. But I don't think I can impress upon you, dear Reader, how truly busy life has been. I feel like I am making excuses, but that was not my perception and conclusion, but many other people's!
I have spent already over an hour catching up on my yellowed blogs--all these writers I do miss seeing. I had a good many virtual friends here, only one of whom I speak to in the real world.
Since we moved from renting a space with the 'rents, to being on our own--my days are full. There is a satisfaction of my own space, my own time, full steam on my rudder. And then there is the responsiblity of said rudder...and the sailors!
Yes, I am still in a committed relationship.
No, I never thought it would happen for me.
Should I expound on that? Should I tell you I have never in my life felt more valued, more cared for? Should I say that this is first relationship I have not been doing a lion's share of the work? Should I go on about how he demonstrates his caring on a daily basis?
How about I tell you how he has managed to change how I view my past, and places that used to be so painful for me? How driving through Macon has become just another little town on the way to him, instead of the big destination it once was? How Blue Ridge stopped being the town of my nightmares, and became the town of a dream?
Because of him.
My former lovers--who I hold in high esteem--are varied in their responses. Two still stay in touch, with good wishes and shared humor. Two no longer wish to speak (with respect), a fact I have surely understood in my time. The ones I left before 'we' were a 'we'? Tis a far better thing I did...or something like that...
While sadly we still live some distance apart, we both hope a job situation will resolve itself to fix that soon. Then will come the challenges of home and family, and putting two people who have lived single lives together for the first time in a number of years. He seems confident, so I too am confident.
Even as I sit here, nursing a helluva head cold, and watching "The Meaning of Life", he is checking on me making sure I am resting and feeling ok. After last year's experience with pneumonia I am being very careful!
What can I say? He is my knight, he is my man. He wants only me. He brings out my submissive side--he is my Daddy. He treats me as no Dom I have known before. He brings out passion in me--he is my Machine. He enjoys watching my enjoyment. He won me over as a friend and confidante long before we became lovers, long before we fell in love. He doesn't brag about other women he's known, been with, experienced--you wouldn't believe how those sorts of comments cut to the core.
I sat tonight and deleted old emails, and was sadly reminded how I used to allow myself to be treated--by total strangers. There are some good people here, but for some reason I kept getting virtually (and sometimes actually) entangled with the bad ones.
While I maintain a presence here, I wouldn't lie and say I am here often enough for the casual observer.
But for you, dear Reader, I hope it is just enough...
Look not at the days gone by with a forlorn heart. They were simply the dots we can now connect with our present, to help us draw the outline of a beautiful tomorrow.
~Dodinsky
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Injury Anew
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Posted:Sep 8, 2013 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2014 6:23 pm
25508 Views
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“Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces.”
― Richard Kadrey
I got a phone call today.
One from a memory--or at least that's where I would have preferred he remained. He said he had meant to dial someone whose name was adjacent to mine in the contacts list (and yes I believe him, I know the person he was calling). He recovered his aplomb readily enough, and we had a brief conversation.
In and of itself, not bad.
But this was Mister, and our end was tumultuous. And while I don't often recall him, this just lit up the memory banks. Which in turn activated other painful memories, and some not so.
And I lamented again, that so much of my town, the area, places I enjoy going, are wrapped up part and parcel with a lover.
Not all bad mind you.
I remember special nights at the movies with Papi, shooting pool with the Puppet Master, drinking and listening to bands with Teeny B. These are good memories, these are people I honor and respect, and occasionally get a hiyas from. These are good people!
But I also remember 2 entire towns that are poison to me thanks to the actions of others who had told me how much they cared, but ultimately betrayed me. I remember shoddy behavior on my part with Mister. I remember all the horrible things that make sections of the damn state uncomfortable.
I should get over it.
I tell you I am NOT intentionally recalling this pain, just to continue tormenting myself. But even (well, with one person) when the pain is a year away, its still too close to my heart. I have paid my dues, and I see no reason to keep paying out.
So why the tortured recall?
I have no idea. Sometimes it just blows over me like a bad mood, and is then gone. And sometimes I have to call the Machine and talk it out. But he already knows about it, he knows how to get me somewhere else.
Are there places where the physical reminder is just to strongly linked with someone? How do you exorcise that demon memory?
“Forgetting isn't enough. You can paddle away from the memories and think they are gone. But they will keep floating back, again and again and agian. They circle you, like sharks. Until, unless, something, someone? Can do more than just cover the wound. ”
― Sara Zarr,
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The Whasshappenin Now episode
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Posted:Sep 6, 2013 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:06 pm
26058 Views
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“Home is where you can say anything you please, because nobody pays any attention to you anyway”
~Joe Moore
With the Fall comes the uptick in responsibilities. And a drop-off in blogginess.
Not that I don't want to read all about your latest forays, explorations, innermost thoughts, and gigs...I just don't have the time.
We are now 'home', not afraid to say I am proud of our little space! We work hard to keep it organized and clean, and I think its pretty good for one little family. The craziness in schedule mean less time here, and lots of sandwiches in the car for supper, but so far we are all surviving.
And maybe, just maybe, I have been avoiding here.
Not an uncommon theme--I do read my yellow blogs every week or so--and its a similar refrain. Beyond you my dear reader, there is not much else here for me. There hasn't been for a while...since that little 6 week bout with pneumonia. It was then I learned where I ranked, and what people thought of me.
And since you want to ask...CC and the Machine are doing just fine. Knowing each other all these years, being each others emotional rock long before anything physical happened, made this relationship easy.
He doesn't want me for what he could change me into.
He doesn't want me for waiting while he keeps searching.
He wants me for me. For everything I have been, everything I may become. For all the pain I've shared with him, and more recent pain that I just cannot.
It comes down to that.
Believe me, I am as shocked as you. Maybe more shocked than the wonderful people I had to call and reduce to the friend-zone. Fortunately one or two still remain a friend, casual as it may be.
There is something empowering in doing things my way. This is a good way to ease into commitment (if you will), since we aren't in each others "grill" all the time, and both have families to deal with. I have been living with another adult, and another set of opinions and rules (and other less savory things) for the past 15 years.
Its my time now. Wif da chirrens at my back.
And we are learning, they and I.
It is a good thing. I am content.
I had a very unfortunate realization at a local QT the other day. I saw a clear picture of what I would have become had a chosen to go a different route with a different person, a route where I was expected to be always second tier, always just a space filler. I was suddenly chilled seeing this man and woman in the store. OMG, that would have been me? What damage would I have done to myself? To my ?
See it clearly, the path of our mistakes.
I have seen other future selves, usually in form of someone who professed strong feelings, and then broke my trust, or my heart. And I couldn't stand to be that person, to be on that inevitable path.
We can be so foolish.
I have avoided chat, as many of us do, because I just don't want to play the game anymore. If you will, I have nothing to avoid in reality, so I don't need a fantasy-land to satisfy me.
As a musician, I almost constantly have sound around me. Sometimes music, sometimes not. But we stepped outside the bounds of accepted normalcy, and went back to no TV. And guess what? None of us even notice. I continue to find a measure of peace in the sounds that make up life...Whassamattau would get it.
Of course, people I tell look at me like I am an incredulous liar, or someone who has gone stone crazy.
I can tell you we never sit and veg in front of a 'C' rate movie; deciding to walk, or swim, or play games, or just read together. Even eschewing recreational computing most nights during the week.
Buncha weirdos, right?
And speaking of music, I have had to step away from performing for a bit. I am having a mighty difficult time with my voice, all but losing it at the end of each week. I have reduced talking, and lowered speech volume wherever possible, but it is still tough to make it through Friday. I would welcome any input on that.
Things are good. Observations life-affirming. Adulthood begun.
Happiness a distinct possibility.
“Home is where the house is.”
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At Day's End
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Posted:Aug 10, 2013 10:00 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2013 12:25 pm
25955 Views
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O Sun of real peace! O hastening light!
O free and ecstatic! O what I here, preparing, warble for!
O the sun of the world will ascend, dazzling, and take his height—
and you too, O my Ideal, will surely ascend!
O so amazing and broad— up there resplendent, darting and burning!
O vision prophetic, stagger'd with weight of light! with pouring glories!
O lips of my soul, already becoming powerless!
O ample and grand Presidentiads! Now the war, the war is over!
New history! new heroes! I project you!
Visions of poets! only you really last! sweep on! sweep on!
O heights too swift and dizzy yet!
O purged and luminous! you threaten me more than I can stand!
(I must not venture— the ground under my feet menaces me—
it will not support me: O future too immense,)—
O present, I return, while yet I may, to you.
~Walt Whitman
Its these days, when we work from sunrise till long past dark, the everlasting task list, tending to needs of others. And we gain some small satisfaction from completing each task, checking off some before adding others. We can smile in the day's small joys and victories.
And when at last we set down the last items needed doing, we are surround by the quiet.
Quiet, the crickets singing outside the windows, rain beating a tattoo on roofs and gutters, and in the small sounds of slumber marking the passing of hours.
Peace.
A thousand days will pass like this. But each day a new chance to carve out our place in this world, waiting only to be signed with a flourish at our final breath.
Sitting in night's parlor, I could write a heart-stopping novel, paint a picture to stimulate the senses, compose a symphony to move the coldest soul.
I am content to sit in peace.
To reflect on the triumph, to bypass the disappointment. To prove to myself that my place has not gone unheeded. To prove to those who love me that their effort has not gone unnoticed. To steel my resolve in facing a new set of challenges, and to triumph.
Peace.
This is what you shall do;
Love the earth and sun and the animals,
despise riches,
give alms to every one that asks,
stand up for the stupid and crazy,
devote your income and labor to others,
hate tyrants,
argue not concerning God,
have patience and indulgence toward the people,
take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men,
go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families,
read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life,
re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul,
and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.
-Walt Whitman
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Samantha G. Rhodes
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Posted:Jul 31, 2013 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2013 3:18 am
27174 Views
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To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.
~Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
Random quote to go with the random blog. The title is from a name generator.
I have nothing of note to share. No potent facts, no moving discourse on this modern life, not even a naughty picture.
Da chirrens and I are settling into our new home, with a new car, and we just returned from a last hurrah vacation to Revolutionary War battlefields and the beach.
Their idea, not mine.
I am holding out hope that soon I will get through the last few remaining boxes of sheet music and photographs. I really don't like boxes, and I really do like crossing things off my to-do list.
I heard the blog bash was great. I sure wish I could get to one, but the timing is always poor.
I sat on the beach under 2 umbrellas--and still have the worst sunburn.
People are still shocked I am dating--some pleasantly, some not so much.
I miss TV noise, but the TV itself--weird, right?
We are close to my birthday, be thinking of a gift for me.
You are invited to be random in the posted responses. Go ahead, step into psycho a little...
Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends.
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
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Maintenance
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Posted:Jul 20, 2013 8:22 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2013 7:59 pm
27797 Views
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Nature, who for the perfect maintenance of the laws of her general equilibrium, has sometimes need of vices and sometimes of virtues, inspires now this impulse, now that one, in accordance with what she requires.
~Marquis de Sade
Oft we have been reminded to take care of ourselves.
As I travel around the country, I have begun to draw connections between the emotional health of the inhabitants, and the physical state of their existence.
Talking maintenance here people.
I am not perfect, dear lord so many of you know that, even if you only read me. I have emotional scars, physical flaws, a skewed sense of self-confidence, and an over-arching need to be right.
But I am working on me, a never-ending project to be sure.
Sadly, so many people I see have simply given up maintaining anything at all. Their homes, their cars, themselves--all left to fend as they may. Why mow the lawn when it was such a hard day at work? Why take a walk when you have to wash the dishes, and settle on neither?
You have seen the people, in stained clothes, eating whatever comes by (no matter what their personal size) engaging in dangerous behaviors, simply choosing to become flotsam on the river of life.
Have we become so quick to fail?
Think back if you will, as many generations in your family as you can recall. If there were less than silver spoon circumstances, did your ancestors simply sit and bemoan their fate and stop?
Oh my no.
There was work to be done, family to be cared for, and if we didn't have anything, at least we had love, or small glimpses of joy, and it sustained us, and we were happy with it--or at least content.
And we worked toward better things tomorrow.
I sometimes feel pity, but have more often turned to anger when I see personal maintenance left in the gutter. Not to blame unfortunate circumstances, we could all use a little humility when some truly has a troubled life.
But why do you wait for someone else to do what you yourself could?
Because it's hard?
Because it takes time?
Because you'll just have to do it all over again?
Pish I say, pure bullshit.
If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten.
So I remind you, as I remind myself, of our maintenance. There are some wonderful bloggers here who prove their self-dedication, and are truly role models. If you can step away from the less lofty offerings, seek them as I do.
We will get up, move around, keep things clean for our safety, eat well for our health, love, laugh, make someone else's day brighter, and generally contribute to humanity's improvement. As proof, try walking around the block every night, and smiling at people you pass. Before long, I imagine you may feel a bit happier, a bit fuller, and the least bit tanner!
I am working on me, I am my own project. Who is to say you are worth any less effort?
Maintenance is terribly important.
~Manolo Blahnik
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Master of the House
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Posted:Jul 16, 2013 11:30 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2013 7:52 pm
27911 Views
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Here in this quiet house I sit thinking back on the structure of my life, building again that which has fallen. It do seem to me that the life of man is merely a pattern scrawled on Time, with little thought, little care, and no sense of design. Why is it, I wonder, that some people suffer, when there is so little need, when an effort of will and some hard work would bring them from their misery into peace and contentment.
~Richard Llewellyn
The moving has been done.
For the first time in nearly 20 years I am again sole master of my house. Not alone, da chirrens are with me. But the direction and choice are mine alone.
Somewhat of a change, is it?
Of course there was a bit of work to get us here, and we are still carving out the small things that will let us call this home. But as boxes are unpacked, and rooms arrayed just so, we are finding a landing place by little steps.
Some bit of work.
Not done, mind. This is a dramatic change in my daily pattern, leaving first a sordid marriage, then the protective bubble of the family. But there is something refreshing in the change.
I hold tight to the refreshment, so when more work comes there is some bit of good to remember.
I do not own a television, and we have one computer connected for occasional use. Such a change to sit at night when all is quiet, and open a book that has been hidden in storage all these years. "To Kill A Mockingbird", "Flowers for Algernon", "Midwife", "How Green Was My Valley"--a long list of tomes classic and not so, all waiting to sit with me.
Not a few people have commented on how strange it has been with me, seemingly a different person.
Am I? I lived the same--without computer of course--all those years ago, and found it quite rewarding. Maybe this part of me has lain quiet these years, letting me go and dip my toe in the tide.
So we go together, with the work and the joy.
I do not know anyone who has gotten to the top without hard work. That is the recipe. It will not always get you to the top, but it will get you pretty near.
~Margaret Thatcher
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The proverbial new chapter
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Posted:Jul 7, 2013 11:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2013 7:46 pm
28163 Views
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Time to open up a new chapter in life, and to explore a larger centre.
~Lillian Russell
It's a trite saying, I know.
But it seems most appropriate for today.
I am in--for the first time since my divorce 6 years ago--a committed relationship.
I am not going into this lightly. I have known him for 5 years, he has been on the playlist for 2 years, and things became...serious.
Such a supercilious word. Serious like a heart attack? Of course my lovers are serious, lest they would not have been.
When he committed to me, he went with full knowledge of the playlist, and my activities. I didn't hide them from him, and he didn't press me on the details. He waited, I waited, we valued our time together.
I did a lot of self-questioning, spoke long to my adviser, and decided.
I take this commitment with full weight, this is a promise I intend to keep. And since this relationship was built on friendship first, there is no double talk and fooling--it is what it is and what it will be, nothing more, nothing less.
The playlist has been personally notified, and believe you me, that was one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I shed not a few tears on what I perceived was disappoint from them. There are long standing relationships there that don't disappear overnight. More than a few of the talks with my adviser were on how NOT to hurt these important people in my life.
We met here all those years ago, and although he is no longer here, he is fully aware of my presence, and my blog.
And why him?
The past year plus has been a time of great upheaval, turmoil, and self-discovery. And only one person was there consistently, reliably, and daily--as a friend and a lover.
Him.
That does not demean the others, not at all. It only serves to set him apart. He doesn't ask for service, doesn't expect blind loyalty, doesn't question me.
He just is.
We are not perfect. I know I am not. But I am willing to put in work for this.
The saddest part? The multiple comments on how it won't work, how I cannot do it, blah, blah, blah. From people I cared about, from people I thought cared about me.
As someone recently said, "You are mercenary when it comes to other people."
So be it, I am going to be mercenary in this relationship, this love.
I have chosen to follow this road, wherever it leads, whatever the outcome, and be glad for it.
It might just be my turn.
Your new chapter will begin when YOU say it will. It's ONE mind change and attitude adjustment away.
~Unknown
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A new year...
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Posted:Jul 7, 2013 10:53 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2013 11:04 pm
26792 Views
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“All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality -- the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.”
- Arthur Christopher Benson
I closed 2008 and opened 2009.
In my blog of course.
If you are tracing my backtrail, go take a look. I know I find it very interesting--lol!
“To read a writer is for me not merely to get an idea of what he says, but to go off with him and travel in his company.”
- Andre Gide
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The Saga of the Red Boots, part VI
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Posted:Jul 4, 2013 7:03 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2013 9:31 am
27084 Views
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"Why don't ya do right, like some other men do?
Get outta here, get me some money too...
Music is a big part of my life.
But jazz has taken a very small third-row seat, mostly because I have not had an opportunity to be in the genre.
That changed, and the red boots had a chance to come along!
A local jazz club has open mike night once a week, I first went at the beginning of June. And I keep going back.
This time, with the red boots, black skirt, and a black top.
We kiss-kissed the owner and host, said hiyas to the wait staff, and went back stage to tune up--and drink.
Finally I was summoned, and we went up on stage to sing a couple numbers--one that has become my 'standard' if you will--and received lots of compliments.
Getting some personal street cred is gratifying, and a nice way to satisfy my self-identified need for acknowledgment!
The red boots will take their public time anyway they can get it.
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To link to this blog (rm_ccjazzmin) use [blog rm_ccjazzmin] in your messages.
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