I'm Alive...
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Posted:Feb 2, 2016 9:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2016 5:28 am
59184 Views
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Not exactly "kicking", but I am alive, lol. Lots to tell you guys, but it's late and I'm exhausted. So...here a pic as proof of life, and a promise to fill you in as soon as I can.
Hope 2016 is treating you all wonderfully so far!! Xo
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Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...
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Posted:Nov 22, 2015 2:42 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2016 8:30 pm
70980 Views
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I was supposed to meet Ray last night.
The date had been stuck in my mind for weeks. I scheduled a hair appointment and a mani/pedi. I even scheduled a wax, though I knew wasn't going to sleep with him. I figured it would give me some confidence. I had class during the day, so I extended my hotel reservation for an extra day since I thought we'd be up late laughing. I covered all my bases...
Except it didn't end up happening, did it?
At least I found out early enough to cancel the wax and mani/pedi, lol. And it's not as though he stood me up and left me hanging...he canceled two weeks ago. Still sucks, though.
Here's what I had planned to wear. I took it with me and ended up wearing it to meet a friend for dinner on Friday. I brought it because I thought maybe he'd text me...Maybe...
Sometimes I wish that he could see how disappointed I was. How excited I had been when he suggested a firm date to meet, how much effort I was willing to go through. I truly made an ass out of myself, Guys. I stapled my heart on my sleeve like a silly prepubescent girl and he didn't care.
Oblivious? Maybe. Apathetic? More likely.
But does it really matter?
Only insofar as I feel like a Grade A idiot.
I don't get it. He's told me that he finds me attractive. His top three requirements: Brains, Humor and Boobs. I mean, c'mon. I have all three of those thing in spades. When I read our text streams, even I am amazed at how witty and engaging I managed to be, given how smitten I was with him.
But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.
Again.
And the fact that I was undermined by someone who claimed to be my friend just adds insult to injury.
I know-- you guys will ask me why I would waste time on someone who doesn't see my good qualities? You'll chastise me for feeling badly over a man who probably didn't deserve me anyway. You'll tell me that I'm better that this. But I'm not. I'm a silly, prepubescent girl, remember? And right now, I'm gonna pout.
I'll try being brave again tomorrow, y'all.
Maybe.
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(Page:)
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Inside/Out
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Posted:Nov 17, 2015 9:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2018 1:44 pm
63471 Views
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???
I give you a choice between real, saggy, stretch marked breasts, versus perky, firm (yet supple) breasts AND YOU CHOOSE THE REAL ONES??
Where is the superficiality? Where is the vanity? WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I'll tell you what it is...You're grown-ass adults with a firm grip on reality and the ability to look past the wrinkly, droopy surface to see the heart underneath. THAT right there is your "problem". 
I really wanted to respond to every comment on my last post, but I realized that I'd just be repeating myself over and over again. And so this blog post was born...
I'm having a breast lift. I'm adding just enough padding up top to round them out- not trying to get bigger necessarily, just fuller. You guys have only seen my breasts when they're wrangled into an underwire...what you DON'T see is that they make me miserable. Hubby couldn't care less, THAT GUY (yes, five year later he is still a HUGE part of my life) just wants me to be happy. And what would make me happy and confident would be to have breasts that didn't suffocate the heart I wear on my sleeve ever time I lay down.
And while I'm at it, I'm getting a tummy tuck too.
Now, I know that I don't need to justify anything to you guys- you don't judge me no matter what I do or don't do. But I'm compelled to explain my rationale, if for no other reason than to see it on "paper" myself.
Many of you know the origins of the scars you've seen on my face. I've made mention of the incident many times over the course of the last five years. And though it took place almost 25 years ago, some INTERNAL and EMOTIONAL scars take longer to heal than the physical ones.
I have busted my fat ass to overcome my demons.
I have fought and screamed and cried and prayed and wished and lamented and...
Now I'm done.
Thanks in no small part to this godforsaken cesspool and the intelligent life that rises to the top (that would be you guys), I can finally see the victory of the longest battle of my life. And yes, you guys DID help me, probably more than you know. You took me from a somewhat naive 37 year old who was just starting to explore her newfound sexuality and you nurtured me. You supported me. You laughed and cried with me. The truth is that I could not have come this far without you. You offered me a safe haven to express myself and you guided me as I explored my exhibitionist tendencies and showed me that sex can be respectful and empowering. I watched women take control of their sexuality and embrace their inner passions and I learned from them.
And believe me, it wasn't easy considering that my husband was...apathetic, at best. Do you have any idea what it's like to want to stretch your wings, only to be continually told that the timing isn't right? Rejection is a bitch, no matter what. But when it comes from someone you love, it's devastating.
But you picked me up, dusted me off and assured me that I'm actually okay. And I will never, ever forget it.
So here I am after 25 years...an empowered, intelligent, confident force to be reckoned with on the inside, yet I'm trapped in the body that I destroyed in an effort to hide myself from the world. Layers of fat, nicotine-stained lungs, and lord only knows what else...I wasn't very good to myself, was I?
So I began a regimen of diet and exercise, I quit smoking and stopped eating my feelings like an ADULT should. And voila!
I'm still gross, lol.
Nah, I'm just messing with you. Kind of.
I am still a bit overweight, but I FEEL good about my size now. What would make me feel BETTER is to streamline things. To make my OUTSIDE, match the way I feel INSIDE.
And to do that, I started having microdermabrasion treatments to fade my scars, I began getting regular facials and having my grey hair colored to perk up my mood...little things like that. But it wasn't enough.
These two procedures will be the last step for me. I'm addressing areas of my body that diet and exercise can't help. The rest of the blubber will take hard work, but it can be done without surgical intervention.
December 18th is the day. I'm scared as fuck- it's major surgery. But Hubby is on my side, he's supportive and he's taken the following two weeks off from work to help me out at home. I've commandeered the services of one of the TOP cosmetic surgeon in the state of Wisconsin What more can I ask?
Except that I kinda feel like I need your blessing.
I need to know that my little Band of Misfits "gets it".
I need to know that you still think I'm okay.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, Guys and Dolls.
Question is, are you coming with me?
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24
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Mea culpa
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Posted:Nov 3, 2015 6:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2016 3:27 pm
58079 Views
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I suck, I know.
I come and I go with my weak double-entendres, and am as predictable as a syphillis outbreak and twice as hard to explain.
You guys are pretty fucking cool though, you know that? You hang in there, you email to check up on me, you leave me supportive comments even though I'm never around. I owe you guys, big time. THANK YOU {=}
So anyway, here's my two-cent synopsis of the past few months...
1. Still taking classes and learning a TON! I've been doing a little business out of my home, but I'm keeping it pretty small. I also contracted with a local high-end caterer to be their pastry chef when they need me. It allows me the freedom to set my own hours and still be around for hubby and the kiddos, so it's an ideal situation.
2. I'm still on Twitter, but not advertising my username here since some dumb asses decided to find me and leave public comments about "following me on HotMatch.com". Idiots. 
3. Nothing has changed with hubby. We're going on a three year stretch of ZERO sex. How am I surviving? I eat a lot, lol.
4. Still friends with THAT GUY, still seeing him when time allows. We're in a comfortable place now and it's good. Not what I ideally want, but good nonetheless.
5. I am ass-over-elbow smitten with a man I've chatted with on Twitter. He's WAY WAY WAY out of my league, though. We're supposed to meet on the 21st and I'm TERRIFIED. I'll keep you posted, but don't get your hopes up , Lord knows I'm not.
6. Here's a face pic taken last week...I look pretty much the same...
So...that's the skinny around here for now. What's going on in your neck of the woods? Gimme the gossip...
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18
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Bull? Shit.
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Posted:Jun 23, 2015 7:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2015 1:58 pm
68315 Views
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What's a 'bull'?
I mean, I know what a BULL is with reference to the animal, but what does it mean when a man on this site refers to himself as one?
Some guy asked me if I was looking for one and I replied that I wasn't. He didn't seem the type I wanted to engage in conversation with, so instead I emailed a dude who used the term on his profile and inquired as to the meaning, but he never deigned to return my message. Maybe he's on a break....
But seriously...
When I think of a bull in sexual terms, I think of a stud-bull; an animal used to impregnate cows to propagate the herd. Is that what they're offering? To impregnate me? Good luck with that, lol.
Anyhoo...I'm interested to read your insights on the matter  . Hope y'all are having a stellar week so far!
Postscript: It seems P.assion has seen fit to make me a VIP member. What in the ever-living fuck gave them the impetus is beyond me, lol. I'm not really sure that it offers any more benefits that the free gold membership I had, but we'll see. If anyone else is swimming in the VIP pool, let me know what I'm in for, m'kay?
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