What's Your Long Term Plan?
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Posted:Jan 16, 2017 10:48 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 11:40 am
5065 Views
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I've never had a "5 Year Plan".
That strikes me as being kind of funny because I make endless lists and plan my calendar like a boss in order to be organized and analyze my day-to-day. I feel lost without these tools. So you'd think someone like that would have a long term plan. But I don't. I never have. I never planned to get married, I never planned to have and I've never set goals for myself.
I have mixed feelings about that. I'm going to be 48 in a couple of months and I find myself regretting not having . I've enjoyed living my life as lone wolf. But I've realized how lonely I am a lot of the time, even though I have my pets and my friends and my family, what I don't have is my rock. My partner. My person.
I was married once, not long ago. My ex-husband recently asked his girlfriend of three years to marry him. They're well matched and I'm happy for them. But here I am, on HotMatch.com, on various other sites, looking for....what?
I honestly don't know.
Come on, girl...that's disingenuous. I know what I'm looking for, I suppose. But am I more afraid of finding it, or not finding it?
Two things I know for sure:
1. If it weren't for HotMatch.com, I would have no sex life at all.
2. I do NOT want to be 50, 60 or 70 and still on HotMatch.com.
What's your long term plan?
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Things I Want
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Posted:Oct 30, 2016 3:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2017 4:40 pm
5706 Views
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For many of us, there aren't many things we need. Humans can survive with very little. But to thrive, we each have a different set of needs which may change day by day, moment by moment.
Right now, here are mine:
A good laugh.
A big glass of ice water
Some fresh perspective.
An intense kettlebell workout
A good night of sleep
To finish this week's coursework
A flirty smile
A soft, slow, sensual kiss.
Hands on my skin.
A lover I can trust
To close my eyes and not see his face
The cure for a broken heart
What about you? What do you need?
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So...What AM I Looking For?
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Posted:Apr 13, 2016 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2017 5:16 pm
8237 Views
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I feel like I put a lot of time into dating sites. All different kinds of dating sites where I see a lot of the same people over and over. And most of the time, I don't respond to messages or meet people. I read profiles, I read my messages and think, meh. I'm happy with my life and I don't see this person fitting into it or me into theirs.
I recently lost my long term (well, for me he was long term) FWB. I fucked things up between us because I fell in love with him. And he left me, just like I knew he would. I wish I hadn't fallen deeply and passionately in love with someone who would not, could not love me back, but that's just not something you can control. I have had a lot of lovers. And this was the best sex of my life. Honestly, I'm crushed to lose him. I'm dying for his calm voice of reason that always said the right thing to make me feel better, his smooth voice washing away my fears. I close my eyes in bed alone at night and imagine his smell, his touch...try to recreate all the magic moments he had together. That mouth I just could not get enough of...to think I'll never kiss that mouth again, well....it's heartbreaking to me. I'm confused and hurt as to why he fe;t he needed to end things because of my feelings for him. I accept he didn't feel the same and I was managing just fine. I didn't want anything more from him than he freely gave to me. Mostly I just feel sad, abandoned and like a failure that I couldn't even make a casual sex kind of relationship work.
I know that lately I have been trying to fuck away that pain. But the ironic thing is, it just makes it worse. It's stark reminder of what I'm missing. I close my eyes and imagine it's my FWB again kissing me or fucking me, but it doesn't feel right and I tear up. I know that basically I am on the rebound right now and if any unlucky guy did happen to catch my attention, it would be very disingenuous for me to let him think I was feeling anything for him.
Between my crazy weekend, the loss of my long term FWB, my time spent on dating sites and my cumulative 2+ years on HotMatch.com, I've been thinking about why I'm on here...what I'm looking for. It's the golden question everyone always wants to know, the question that absolutely drives me nuts and the question I heavily resist answering. Maybe it's because I don't know what I want.
Or worse, maybe I do know what I want but don't want to admit it.
So it's time to take a hard look at what I want, because frankly I'm all over the damn place. A friend recently asked me, so do you want a relationship with someone who you have great sex with, or do you want to explore your sexuality?
The answer is, I want both, and I want neither. I'll try and explain.
I'm lonely. I want some companionship. And by "some", I do mean only a little bit. I actually love my single life. I don't want to be an "us". I have no desire to get married or even live with someone ever again. I don't want someone texting me while I'm at work asking me what I'm doing or when I'm coming home. I need space to breathe. I've never had . I'd be happy to have a partner with but I don't want to be a mom. I can't entertain the idea of being someone's grandma and unfortunately at my age, that's something that does come up.
So...I want someone to hang out with once a week. lol Someone who shares some interests with me and has other interests too.
The more pressing issue for me is sex, which is why I'm specifically on this site. Man, I hate the revolving door of lovers. I sincerely wish I could find someone who I shared amazing sex with. Someone who is loyal and caring and passionate. I want to be touched. I want to be held and cuddle. I see that as part of the erotic experience. My libido is intense...I need some steady, fantastic sex.
So I guess I do know what I'm looking for....I just don't know what to call it. And that's where I'm at. I'm sure this is not the final word from me on this.....
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Is this the Age of Sexual Insanity?
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Posted:Apr 11, 2016 7:24 pm
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2016 11:15 am
8444 Views
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Or is it just me? The weekend makes me wonder...
I had a date last night and I woke up this morning with five huge hickies/bite marks on my chest. I was supposed to have another date tonight, so when he texted me this morning and asked me how my night was, I mentioned it to him. He was going to see it anyway. But he got pissed off at me and stopped talking to me.
I don't get it. We've never even met. He knows I am on HotMatch.com and am single. He has other people in his life too. But he's mad at me. What am I missing? Did I break a rule I don't know about? Or maybe something I said was a deal breaker for him. He had previously told me that using condoms were a deal breaker for him. As in, he refuses to use them and he won't meet anyone who insists on on them.
The guy from last night was a terrible kisser. I really, really did not enjoy kissing him. Which sucks because I liked him. He shoved his tongue down my throat. It was like he was trying to gag me with his tongue and I couldn't even really use my lips he way I like to. Bad kissing.....that is a huge deal breaker for me. I try to fix that right in the moment. I tried to guide his lips, tease them into relaxed submission...but he was in control with that damn tongue. I can still feel it in my throat. Ugh.
I don't know what my point is. All day I have been mulling over how discontent, how sad I feel about the state of my sexual life. Finding sex is absolutely no problem. Yay for me since my libido has seriously exploded in the last couple of years. And I continue to be fascinated by sex and feel the urge to explore that part of myself. I know there is still more for me to discover and I want to find it.
But I am exhausted by the revolving door of lovers who just don't do it for me. It's not that they are "bad" lovers. There are moments I enjoy, but just not enough for me to want to see them again. I'm tired of meeting a new lover and wondering why I bothered. If it's just about orgasms, I can do that for myself. It's all the other stuff we humans can give to each other in an erotic experience....that's what I crave, that's what I need from another. This is supposed to be fun. But it's not. It's just so draining most of the time.
I also had a date on Saturday night. The guy sat on my couch for two hours and ranted about his two ex's while he drank beer and smoked the entire time. He went on and on about how "done" he was with women and how women with are better lovers than women without (and I have no ). We finally got naked and 10 minutes later he decided "he felt too guilty" and couldn't go through with it. Then I had to ask him to leave because he was going to sit down and start drinking and smoking and ranting again. As if I was in the mood for more of that. I was horny and angry and frustrated and felt like shit about myself. He left and I crawled in bed and cried.
We're a bunch of fucked up individuals. This IS supposed to feel good, right?
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Blurring the line?
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Posted:Mar 20, 2016 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2016 6:41 pm
8646 Views
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Guys, you have a FWB. The sex is amazing. You've been enjoying this FWB for over a year. And she develops feelings for you. She's ok knowing you don't feel the same way and wants the sex to continue. You both are free agents and can do and see whoever you want. Do you continue to fuck her? Do you feel guilty about it? Thoughts?
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8
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Porn
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Posted:Mar 20, 2016 11:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2017 5:15 pm
8364 Views
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Am I the only mostly-straight person who loves watching gay porn? And by that, I mean I love watching two men (or a group of of men!) enjoy each other. I love watching any porn where there is genuine passion and lust and you can almost smell the sex while you watch...gay, straight, trans. It's all beautiful and sexy.
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What an Incredibly Sad Day.....
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Posted:Jan 11, 2016 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2016 3:43 pm
9652 Views
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My hero, David Bowie, is gone.
He was a true individual, a visionary and someone who believed deeply in pushing the boundaries and looking in all the dark places in art and music and culture and gender and sexuality and the human experience.
This world is a better place because of him and I so very grateful to have discovered him when I was 12.
Why does this post belong on HotMatch.com? If you're a Bowie fan then I don't need to explain. If you aren't, then you should know that he wasn't just a singer/songwriter...he was one of the most important people to influence the culture of sexuality and gender in the last 50 years. He helped shape the culture we live in today.
On a more personal note, he showed me that I didn't have to "decide" if I was one thing or another...I could explore my identity and my sexuality and not put a label on myself. I could be everything. I could be nothing. It was all part of me. He showed me, for example, that men can be both androgynous and very masculine at the same time. He showed me that we can be vulnerable and emotional and also extremely intelligent at the same time. He showed me we can be wildly creative and very logical at the same time...we don't have to choose.
Strangely enough, while reading the many tributes posted online for him today, I realized I haven't been nearly as provocative as I'd like to be in my own life. Too often I find myself doing what is comfortable, instead of exploring those dark places where I occasionally visit before I slip back into my "safe" little existence.
How did Bowie do it so gracefully and calmly? At the end, he knew he was dying. What would I be doing if I were incredibly rich, had already had a very long and profound career and I knew I was going to die? Would I be working? Would I be producing my final work, all the while keeping it to myself to be the ultimate surprise after I'm gone? What must he have been thinking about in his final days when he carefully crafted an emotional goodbye to us all?
He died on his own terms.
He lived on his own terms.
He loved on his own terms.
He created works on his own terms.
Farewell sweet prince. You'll be missed.
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And Now For Something Completely Different.....
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Posted:Jan 10, 2016 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2016 4:56 pm
9706 Views
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So I've been on this site for awhile and it's time to try something new. I like writing....and I enjoy reading the blogs here, so gonna give it a shot! Welcome to my first blog post!
My thoughts for the day.....
*I don't think it's good for me to meet married/attached guys because that just feeds the idea I secretly have in my head that I am unloveable. I'm good enough for sex but not good enough for anything "real". Guys will come to me for passion and excitement, which is great, but they think of their wives and girlfriends as "home". That is the simple reason I won't meet married/attached guys. I don't want to feed those negative thoughts I have about myself.
*I LOVE watching videos of two guys fucking or guys playing with their fleshlights. Such a turn on....kinda fascinating.
*I love when I'm with someone who caresses my belly. It's so sensual and sexy and lets me know he finds me sexy.
That's all for today, folks...time for the Golden Globes! Peace out!
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