Here's a thought...
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Posted:Feb 20, 2012 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2012 8:48 am
4002 Views
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Wait a minute - the dinosaur is getting a thought!
Yup, it's true.
Since I have seen so many comments about folks being caught in a funk, why not have a joke contest? Seriously! I mean, ok, no prize from me - not like I will meet most folks out here, and, at the salary I make, a small bag of M&M's just doesn't seem worth it - but, hey, why not? I mean - for fun! For bragging rights! And, most importantly of all - for shits and giggles!
But how to do it on my blog? Simple - you enter a joke in the comments, and I'll post it. At the end of the contest, say, next Monday, 2/27, I'll put up a poll that uses a key line from each joke as a reference, and the readers will get to vote on the winner!
Some simple rules - rule 1, hey, this is HotMatch.com - sex jokes are fine!
Rule 2, let's keep it within HotMatch.com's posting rules, please!
Rule 3, let's not use any members' names, please - your joke is anonymous!
Rule 4, how about we limit it to only 1 joke per person per day?
So, what does this mean to you, oh beloved readers? If you want this to work (and not make me fall flat on my face in front of everyone, like that time in elementary school, when I... yeah, I'll save that for another time...), submit jokes! Please! I'm not quite begging you, but I would appreciate it (and maybe some other reader will appreciate your humor, too), so please submit a joke.
Once the jokes are submitted, your job is not over yet - oh no. Once I get the jokes posted on a poll, you should vote. And don't just vote for your own jokes (that is SOOOO lame!), vote for the joke that tickles your funny bone the most! Maybe it's yours - but maybe not...
I will even dig deep into my bag of (ancient and honorable) jokes and post one in the comments section to get the ball rolling, er, so to speak.
If you don't like my joke - write another one and beat it!
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Grey skies, rain, whatever...
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Posted:Feb 19, 2012 7:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2012 7:17 pm
3973 Views
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Perhaps it's just because another Valentine's Day has come and gone, and, yet, nothing came of it.
I did something nice - I sent my wife flowers. To work. Where she could lord it over all of her co-workers. She, in return, thanked me - on a large social networking site. But it was kind of backhanded, as she said thank you only after claiming it was the first time in our marriage (which isn't true) that I sent her flowers on Valentine's Day.
Between that, the illness that kept me flat on my back yesterday (food poisoning? Eh, I'll never know), the all-day meetings at work, and the everyday blahs this time of year brings me, well, eh. I've been in a funk, and I really don't see the end of it anytime soon.
Yet I don't want to come out here and be a whiny little fuck up - I can be that way in real life as much as I want to, and none of y'all will ever know - hah!
Instead, I thought I would end this on a lighter note:
Two men walk into a bar...
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The third man ducked under it.
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I have to say...
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Posted:Feb 12, 2012 7:49 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2012 6:27 pm
3853 Views
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I really haven't had much to say.
I'm not really in a mood to create a "fantasy" post - tried it sometime around Thursday, and, well, it stopped being sexy for me. I figured if it couldn't even interest me - given my situation - it probably wasn't going to interest anyone else.
I have just been busy. When I get busy, I get down on myself for not getting more done. Yeah, I know I'm not the drone my bosses want; but I also know I could get more done. When that happens, I virtually bang my head on the wall, over and over again, to force myself to get to work. Sometimes it works...
Sometimes it doesn't.
Since I don't want to come out here and whine about how horrible my life is (actually, I have it really good: a job I enjoy, two lovely daughters), I figured I would just shut up until the mood has passed. But it hasn't passed yet, and I wanted to explain that I'm still here, still wandering around, still keepin' on keepin' on.
You know how that is, right?
So, hey, take it easy. Be good to yourself. And make sure you do things like me: never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.
Later!
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Men have a certain...
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Posted:Feb 6, 2012 7:23 pm
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2012 7:25 pm
4043 Views
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Reputation. I was going to write, reputation!
I know it. On a certain group I chat with frequently, a woman complained that a married man had "hotlisted" her - without bothering to read her profile. Another woman answered, "What? They read?"
BTW, the married man? That was me - and, as you prolly know from reading my blog, I am not trying to "hook" up - if I hotlist a woman, it's actually for one of three reasons: 1) I like her pics, and want to see more of her/them; 2) I enjoy chatting with her, so I want to know when she is online and chatting; or 3) I want her to know that we both want to email and/or chat about sex.
But, being a guy, well, it's mostly number 1...
The reason why I didn't know she didn't want married men to "hotlist" her was simple - it was written at the end of her profile, and, as a standard member, I could not read that far. We have chatted, and both apologized, and she has since changed her profile so that married men - who read! - know they should not "hotlist" her.
Back to my point...
I know men don't read profiles. 9 times out of 10, if someone tries to chat with me privately, it's a gay man who wants my cock in his mouth. Mind you, I am not interested in that kind of activity. Mind you, my profile clearly states that I am interested in women. Mind you, my one-line intro says I want naughty girls to sit on my lap... yet, still, men try to hit on me. One even went so far as to argue with me as to whether or not I would enjoy his "services"...
Sorry to say, his offer was not accepted. No, wait, that's a lie - I was not sorry. I was very polite, but I insisted: with me, a lot of the attraction, a lot of the fun for me is not the WHAT, but, rather, the WHO.
So, anyways, I am reading through blogs when I get "hotlisted". Intrigued, I look up the member - and find that it is a self-described 32-year-old single mother. But HotMatch.com has calculated her age as 40.
If she was counting on men not reading, why put in the accurate year of her birth? Or, if she was going to lie about her age, why not put it where most men see it - in the calculated age, not the profile, which most men do not read?
Once again, I have found that women - they confuse me.
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More Falsies?
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Posted:Feb 4, 2012 7:02 pm
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2012 7:10 pm
3988 Views
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I just got another flirt and hotlist - this time, from a 24-year-old woman, no city of residence mentioned.
Whadya think: for real, or real fake?
Let's see... She's less than half my age, and my photo real does not reveal much (for some strange reason, I'm camera shy). She does not know if I have a face that would make Bigfoot scream with terror, or my smile is so beautiful it makes Angels weep...
About the only thing she would know from my photo is that I have a hairy chest. And, while most people might not brag about it, I am covered in visible fur over almost my entire body. An ex-lover of mine once threatened that, if we ever broke up, she was going to turn me into a Brent-skinned rug for in front of the fireplace...
So, here's the question for tonight: women, do you prefer your men to have hair only on their heads, or do you prefer something a little furrier? Guys, when women express a preference to you, what do they want?
And, why my sample size is pretty small, I would say that most women seem to prefer the "bald as a baby's bottom" style of body hair.
Prove me wrong - I dare you!
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Morning Glory
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Posted:Jan 31, 2012 7:51 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2012 6:28 pm
3960 Views
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The sun has arisen.
What does that mean for me? Yup, I'm "a risin'", too.
I look over, and see you, still asleep, a small smile on your face. I like seeing that smile on your face when we're awake, and I know what it means then - I wonder if it's the same now? To find out, I cuddle up next to you, and pull you in tight to me, slowly.
I didn't wake you, but I did get you to snuggle up against me. Little victories sometimes let you win the war, you know.
Laying there, holding you close, yeah, this is a nearly perfect morning. So I kiss you.
You were awake the whole time, you minx! You kiss me back, and that smile turns into a laugh.
After we let the giggles run their course, you pull me close again. You whisper, "Good morning", in my ear, and nibble on the earlobe, gently.
Yes, yes, it is.
My right hand is gently rubbing your back, and my left is over our heads, entangled with your right hand. As we lay, side by side, eye-to-eye, it just seems too natural - we kiss. Slow, lazy kisses, with some heat behind them, but not too much. We want this to last for a while.
We break for a little bit, and I look you straight in the eyes. There is no question, no demand, just desire - you want me, and I want you. Man and woman.
I kiss your earlobe, whisper, "Oh, it's going to be a great morning!", and start nibbling my way down your neckline, onto your shoulder. Your thin nighty is no defense against my lips, as I gently tug it aside, exposing your chest.
Kissing my way down further, I find a delicious little target - your nipple. A few licks, and I pull it into my mouth. My right hand is still rubbing your back, keeping you close, my left is preventing your hand from stopping me - not that you would, you like this way too much!
A little, "pop!", and your nipples comes free. Gently nipping with my teeth, I make sure to breathe on it, the play of warm and cool making it almost painfully hard.
Freeing my left hand, I tug down the right side of your nighty. As I kiss my way down your breast, I feel your hand grab my hair, pushing my tighter onto your breast, clutching me to you. A few more nibbles, nips, and your right breast has nice hard little nipple on it, too.
I can feel you getting restless beneath me. I move up to kiss you, but, as soon as I back off from your breast, you push me over. Your move startles me a little, but I trust you know what you're doing.
You slide up next to me, running your hand up my chest, playing with the hair around my nipples. I can feel the goosebumps rising! As you kiss me, your tongue slides into my mouth, dueling with me, teasing me, making me want to kiss you more.
Your left hand is traveling down further, across my abdomen, to the top of my shorts. Running your hand along the outside of my shorts, I think I can feel you smile as you kiss me. I'm glad you like what you've found.
Reaching inside my shorts, you pull my cock out, and run your fingers along its length. The shudder starts from my toes, it's so strong.
Seeing you're a little distracted, I reach my own left hand down to settle on the outside of your panties. Rubbing gently along the outside, I can feel the dampness already starting to soak through the absorbent lining. Time for a closer inspection...
I pull your panties down, and, after I remove them completely, you return the favor. Sitting up, you dramatically remove the nighty - ah, those breasts! They come free, and we both sigh: me at the sight, and you at the feeling of cold air on them.
Greedily, you place your lips on mine to claim more kisses. My hands are busy touching you, running a line along your pussy lips, feeling the wetness seeping out, and warming up my fingers before I try to slip them in, one at a time.
The first one slides right in, the index finger, riding inside you, seeking out places to make you squirm and moan. One finger? No, I mean two: one inside you, one outside, stimulating your little love-button, rubbing it, playing with it, in time with my thrusting finger inside. You stop kissing me, and revel in the feelings my fingers are building you up to down below.
Gently pushing you back to lie on your pillow, I kiss my way down, letting my fingers continue their massage, until I find my tongue stretching out for my first taste of you, that sweet nectar you make that is for me, and only me.
Now, with my tongue working on you along the outside, I slide a second finger inside - not too many! Still trying to stretch you out a bit for later...
Your moans are a little stronger now, and you start thrusting your hips into my face in time with my tongue and my fingers. A few more thrusts, and - oh, yeah. Your legs clench and hold, you hands ball up, pulling the sheets up with them, until the first wave has passed.
Knowing it's going to be a bit before you are ready to do anything, I kiss my way up your body. My way of saying, "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." And, of course, not letting you cool down too much; after all, we both want more, don't we?
When I reach your face, you smile that dreamy little half-smile, the one that made my knees melt the first time we went out. Your pull me in for a nice, slow, lazy kiss, and, with both hands along my face, you will let me know when you want to continue.
I keep gently probing your pussy with my index finger, not wanting your to relax. After a few minutes, it seems that you're done, as you force me on my back and straddle me. Rubbing your pussy lips along my cock, you seem to draw me up inside you - and then pull back, just out of reach. You know I hate this, even as I know it builds us both up a little more!
A few more teases, then you reach down and, grabbing my cock firmly in your hand, you thrust me up into you, little by little, deeper and deeper I go, until you are grinding your hip bones into my lap.
You look down to where we are joined together, laugh deep in your throat, and say, "Giddyup!"
Slowly, ever so slowly, we fuck. A little thrust, a little retreat, a thrust, repeat... a slow, steady rhythm builds up, until you decide you need more - time to take it up a notch.
Stilling me beneath your touch, hand on my chest, you turn around, still straddling my hard cock, but now facing away. As you rise, the sensation of your pussy practically grabbing my cock and pulling it up with you is almost enough to make me cum.
Slowly, you turn to look over your shoulder at me, and smile. Then you slide back down my shaft until I am completely engulfed by your warmth again.
Picking up the pace, you bounce a little, you smile, you gasp - that must feel good! I know you do, darling - oh my god, you feel good!
You lean back a little, and I pull you back all the way. With you laying across me, still impaled on my cock, and with my hands now free to roam over your body, they do just that! Gliding along your breasts, tweaking a nipple, running along your smooth skin below your breasts - ah, your body is a delight!
You must be getting tired, I can feel it in your arms. Time to do something new for you: I pull your legs together and, still deeply buried inside your pussy, I roll you over onto your belly. Planting my knees on the bed between your legs and wrapping my arms under your hips, I lift you up, giving you time to shift your legs to support you.
Ah, add a pillow under your head and arms, and we're ready for some doggie style. You always said you loved this way before, with the extra "oomph!" I'm able to give my thrusts from back here, and the freedom I have to grab your swaying breasts.
Picking up a little momentum, I start to feel my impending orgasm build. My thrust pick up speed, I start grunting, I'm putting everything I have into making just one... more... thrust - and then, it comes. And as my gasp of pleasure burst forth, so does the orgasm you've been holding, too.
Panting, spent, exhausted, we slowly collapse back onto the bed. That's the way to start a morning!
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Fantasy...
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Posted:Jan 28, 2012 6:12 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2012 6:28 pm
3937 Views
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It’s been a hard day at work, and I am tired. Coming in the door of our house, I hear that someone is running a bath. A smile slowly spreads across my face. Just what I need after a difficult week at work; a nice, relaxing bath will make everything feel better!
I undo my tie, and let it drop to the floor; kicking off my shoes takes only a couple of seconds; untucking my shirt and removing it takes a little longer.
I open the door to the bathroom clad only in my boxers, and a smile, and I find that I am waaaay overdressed. My penis jumps to attention.
She is there, waiting for me, in the oversized bathtub, and, as far as I can see, all she has on is a smile, which grows wider as she sees that part of me has noticed what she is wearing.
"I was wondering when you were going to find me," she says. "The bath is nice and hot, and I thought you might enjoy a little soak before dinner."
I pull down my shorts, throw them back out into the bedroom, and practically jump into the bathtub. On my knees, up to my hips in the water, I pull her into my arms and kiss her. She wraps her wet arms around me, pressing her breasts up against my chest, and kisses me as ardently as I am kissing her, and with as much hunger, too.
And guess what? She is naked - against my body as she is, I would be able to feel anything she has on. My dick presses against her even more.
She pulls away a little bit, and looks down, to see my member looking right back up at her. "Hmmm... I wonder if we can do anything with that?"
Reaching down and grabbing me fully in her hand, she smiles back up at me as she tilts her head to the side, as if she were thinking abut what she wants to do with me - and with my dick in her hand, she can do almost anything she wants!
"But, first," she say, "you need to relax. Just sit back, let the water soothe you, and we'll see how your 'friend' feels."
She lets go of me, and sits back, watching to see if I will follow suit. Sighing, I sit down in the warm water - just right! - close my eyes, and feel her move towards me. She then starts rubbing my shoulders, trying to massage all of the tension out of my body. She moves her arms behind me, to rub as much of my back as she can reach.
Of course, this means her magnificent breasts are rubbing against my chest. I reach up my right hand and start cupping her breast, feeling its weight fill my hand. I run my hand all over the silky smooth skin, eventually feeling her nipple. Taking it between my thumb and forefinger, I tweak it gently, over and over, until it starts to harden under my touch.
I reach up my left hand, and cup her right breast. Before I can even reach it, the nipple is hardening.
She has stopped rubbing me, and is just leaning into me, feeling me play with her breasts. Slowly, she sits back from me, looks me in the eyes, lifts herself up to sit on the edge of the tub, and opens her legs. I don’t need another invitation.
I start by running my hands up and down her shapely legs, teasing her by stopping just short of the cleft between her legs. Up and down, up and down, over and over again, until I run one hand over her lightly trimmed bush.
Her sharp intake of air tells me she enjoyed that.
Letting my right hand rest, gently, on her hair, I kneel before her and kiss her lips. Taking her lower lip into my mouth, I nibble, and let my right hand slide down, allowing her to feel just a touch of my hand on her pussy.
Getting my hand wet again, I reach back up, and start to run my fingers around her lower lips, feeling her own moisture build up on her. Her breath is a little deeper, and I hear her sigh as I trace my thumb over her clitoris.
Using my right hand to gently stroke her clit, I place my left hand just outside her pussy. Extending my index finger places it just inside her lips. A little push, and my finger is inside up to the second knuckle. Stroking her clit, I start thrusting my finger into her with the same rhythm, and I go back up for another kiss. This time, it is she who nibbles, taking my lower lip into her mouth and sucking it.
My middle finger extends in time with my thrusting, so that it ends up inside her, too. She pulls herself into the thrusts, now, and I can feel her tension through her arms, which are across my shoulders now.
She pulls back, and arches her back, nearly falling out of the tub. I barely grab her in time, as she shudders her way through her first orgasm of the night. I hold her close, feeling her breathing slow, as she sits up and kisses me deeply, forcing her tongue into my mouth. Leaning against me, she whispers, “Thank you - now it’s your turn!”
She pulls me up, and sits me on the edge of the tub. Taking my cock in her hand, she slowly strokes up and down its length. As it gets harder, her eyes reflect the smile on her face. Then she leans down and runs her tongue around the head, and I’m afraid I may lose it before we get to bed!
She licks me up and down the shaft of my cock, torturing me with her tongue, until she finally decides I have had enough. She looks up at me, then goes down and forces my entire length into her mouth.
She sucks me in, then pulls her head back, letting me slide almost entirely out of her mouth. Repeating this a few more times brings me to the brink of my own orgasm, so she slowly lets me pop out of her mouth.
As few more hungry kisses, and we are stumbling out of the tub, giggling, racing for the bed, dripping wet. I see then that she has planned ahead: a towel covers the place where she normally lays.
Laying her on the towel, I decide to see for myself just how delicious she is. As she lays back, I run gentle kisses down her neck, across her breasts, down her belly, across her hip, until I am kissing her inner thigh, just teasing her now.
Coming into her, I place a gentle kiss on her out lips, then kiss her clit. I lower myself just a little, and start to lick her - slowly at first, then with more speed - from the lip to her swollen clit, and do it again. I want her to be good and wet, and I like to taste her, too!
Her legs start to clench a little, and that means she is starting to build to another orgasm. I pull myself up - she is so beautiful! - and I lay next to her. Easing myself over her, I place my hard cock just outside her pussy.
I start to push, until the tip of my cock has barely gotten inside her. The heat and moisture is amazing! Then I pull back, just outside once more. A few more teases, and then I thrust my way in. Her gasp and her heavy sigh tells me that she is enjoying this as much as I am.
I don’t want to rush, I tell myself, but she feels so good, her pussy soaked and filled with my cock, and her hips arching up to meet me, that I just cannot slow down. My thrusts pick up speed, and my own breathing speeds up, becoming more ragged as it does.
Her hands are clawing my back now, as she tries to find something to hold onto back there. She tosses her head from side to side, her hair a moving mass, a blur, as she builds up one more time.
Watching her, feeling her, my own orgasm is coming on me fast. A few more thrusts, a loud grunt escapes my lips, and my cum bursts forth, filling her with my juices. And the sound of my own orgasm sends her over the edge, her gasps and grunts matching my own in intensity.
I collapse into her arms, and she holds me tight, her pussy muscles seeming to milk the last drops of my cum from my cock. We kiss, and kiss again, until she pulls back from me, and says, “Oh, that was a nice start to our evening. I think I already know what’s for dessert; what’s for dinner?” And we laugh, knowing that we will be back up later for another try. Getting dressed, emptying the tub, it’s time to work on dinner.
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The Votes are in...
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Posted:Jan 25, 2012 7:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2012 7:10 pm
3650 Views
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And, surprise - everyone wants a fantasy.
Well, I do, too. So my next post will be a fantasy. I'll see what I can dredge up from my imagination, and see what it can do for you.
In the meantime...
I was reading a blog from another member, and she was extolling her lover's "sexy", if you will - the things that he did without even thinking about it that made her feel, well, all warm and wet and grinning deep inside. And I was reading it, and I was thinking that, yes, she has some valid points - one that I wanted to follow up on.
A while back (in the early 90's), I started working with a young woman who completely fascinated me. If I had taken a photograph of her and posted it here, you would see there was nothing remarkable about her. I mean, she was no great beauty - she had a nice face, and a nice body, but nothing that leaped out, grabbed a man by the scrotum, and yelled, "FUCK ME NOW!" And, yet, whenever I was working the same shift as her, I found myself befuddled...
I thought about it for a long time, and it hit me one day: I thought she was beautiful because SHE thought she was beautiful. She had that crazy walk some women do, when they sashay their hips just so, and that aloof but approachable look on her face. And, when I talked to her, I realized it was just the way she is.
We never did go out, for many reasons, but the main one is that she is a lesbian. Sigh...
On to my question: think of that special someone, you know - the one who got away, the one you never did ask out, the one who just had you so tied up you couldn't even talk to them clearly enough to try and ask them out. If you had to narrow it down to one thing that made them special to you, what would it be?
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Meet Herman, my "Other" Brain
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Posted:Jan 19, 2012 7:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2012 7:13 pm
3575 Views
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Yup, "his" name is Herman.
A long time ago, a friend told me it was common for men to name their "special friend", so I thought about it, and came up with Herman, from the comic strip in the paper. I mean, face it: he was treated horribly by women, and was usually clueless about what was going on around him, kind of like, well, "him".
Clueless? Oh, you betcha. How about all of those times in school, when, sitting behind a desk, starting to drift off to sleep in yet another boring lecture, you realize the period is about to end - and you have a raging woody on, one of those woodies that only occurs to teenagers, that have the power to lift the desk if you are unfortunate enough to catch your woody on it. And, yes, I did move my desk more than once in those situations...
Trying to carry my books in front of me... pulling my pants up so I can pull Herman closer to my body so he won't stick out so far... Anything, to avoid having to deal with the stares and/or giggles from my friends, or worse - the girls.
I was convinced, at one time, that Herman had a brain all his own. I could be in the middle of a meeting, a serious discussion with my boss, watching tv, whatever - and Herman would just pop his little head up to see what all the action was about. eventually, I realized he had no brain, because most animals with a brain can be trained...
So, have you named your body parts? If so, what do you call your anatomy? Did you choose the name for a special reason, or did it just "come" to you (if you will)?
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To link to this blog (OldDinosaur23) use [blog OldDinosaur23] in your messages.
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