You Have To Let Me Go
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Posted:Dec 15, 2015 2:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2018 9:48 am
17035 Views
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I called him Charlie, named after his uncle Charlie but named Charles William, by his parents: CW in professional circles. In his youth his father just called him Skip, and is still known as Skip by many. I met Charlie almost a year and a half ago. For six days we spoke on the phone for nearly 100 hours. We finally met on a wooden fishing pier on an island along the North Carolina southern coast.
A month ago I asked Charlie to let me go. He needed to know that I wanted to meet another man. Our relationship had grown to be a very special and dear friendship with some of the most amazing love making sessions and orgasms I have ever experienced … At times it felt as though we connected with the supernatural, as if we were soaring somewhere but always in sync and often to our amazement Charlie was supposed to be in my life as much as I was supposed to be in his. But I knew in my heart it was time for him to let me go. More and more I had a sense that something was missing in my heart and mind. Charlie felt that what was missing was Steven, my departed husband, I didn’t quite feel that it was as simple as all that.
Charlie was the first man to make love to me since my marriage ended with death, making me an unwilling participant in the land of widowhood. Many of you do not know what that loss of a beloved spouse actually means or how it makes you feel, but for those of you who do I know you understand the absolute sadness and chaos that follows. The uncertainty of who you are, if you are alive still if you just want to die too.
Charlie never once made me feel anything but cherished, respected and loved. He never became overtly aggressive or sexual with his affections. He knew I was vulnerable and that I would scare off easily. He remained a gentleman and allowed me to slowly become comfortable with him. As time progressed and we got closer he had captured not only my imagination but my heart. He was an amazing lover, so attentive to me, so sensual; his touch arousing me simultaneously with the taste of our mouths and tongues in a dance that was always so natural and balanced it amazed us both. Our bodies became more than flesh…they became an energy that we recognized as being beyond this world and somehow connected to the Universe. It was beauty and passion, escape and fantastical role play, it was the best sex either one of us had ever experienced. It was more than sex; it was a glimpse into the energy forces that reside in all of us; an energy that some people never recognize or experience; it truly has been astonishing for us both.
So what was missing? It wasn’t something easily identified but at its core was a feeling that I wasn’t willing to give to Charlie my total commitment. Emotionally, although he made me feel loved and made me his one and only, I didn’t feel quite the same way …. Maybe it was that I didn’t have my marriage anymore, that Steven was missing but whatever the reason I felt I needed something more. I wanted the sense of safety, security and love that I once had in my marriage. That sense of complete willingness to be a part of someone without restraint with complete abandonment, with total commitment. I guess I just want it all.
Charlie and I had an agreement before we even met face to face … the agreement would be that we would be open and honest about everything. No thought or feeling was taboo, nothing about the past needed to be hidden; we were to be open with each other. We were to talk …communicate and we did talk, we talked for hours. I suppose that is why our relationship rose to heights never before achieved by either one of us. It was also the reason a month ago I made the request to him that it was time for him to let me go.
Charlie, although shaken, worked at understanding how I felt and was nothing but supportive and loving in his loosening of his hold over me. Slowly our multiple daily phone calls...dwindled to maybe a few calls a week. I still found myself wanting to pick up the phone ….but I consciously was trying to break away too…for it was not only difficult for him but for me too.
Charlie began to express that he wasn’t feeling well. That for some reason he wasn’t able to lift the amount of weights he was accustomed to at the gym. That his energy levels were down, that he just didn’t feel well and he just didn’t feel hungry. He said he had lost over 10 lbs. in less than two weeks. Something was wrong. He agreed to see his doctor, which led to blood tests which led to a CAT scan which led to a biopsy. Yesterday….I drove to his North Carolina home and was with him listening on the speaker phone as his primary care physician explained that Charlie has stage 4 liver cancer with tumors in his lung and pancreas. The plan is to aggressively attempt to destroy the cancer. The prognosis still left to be determined. More Oncological meetings planned and strategies to be outlined. I know Charlie is freighted and yet his heart still reaches in concern for me. I held him for a very long time, trying with all my being to somehow give him energy from my spirit to his … hoping in some way he felt a strengthening, a power, and anything unspoken. He led me to his bed and let himself release the tears and the fear; his tears closest to my heart. We made love again….unplanned, unexpected and with an overriding sense that it was the last time. Somehow a final good bye ...a stolen kiss, a release.
I drove home back to Myrtle Beach afterwards with Stevie Ray Vaughan’s: “Tin Pan Alley” blasting on repeat on my truck’s audio system………. It gave me a sense of escape and control over which I have no control. I spent the entire night caming on line … escaping into a world where my smile disguised the tears … How can I be witness to yet another death of a loved one? … Is this how aging reveals it’s true self? …
Charlie will fight his battle I know. He is disciplined, organized, patient and strong of character. I also know I watched and helped my husband fight as well, but in the end we have no control over what happens … we only have control over how we think. It is all about what and how we perceive this experience called life. Think it … see it …. Live every day … each day ... not in reckless abandonment but in gratitude for the experience of life and love; to be human and experience this life’s journey while residing on planet earth.
UPDATE: Charlie died Sept 5th at 3:30 AM while being kept pain free and comfortable in hospice.
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The Camera Eye is Watching
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Posted:Dec 13, 2015 10:34 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2018 1:12 pm
16657 Views
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....... and I explained that I know I'm a tease on CAM but it's safe in more ways than one.
It's a show and I am on my stage. I watch myself too as if the woman in the video screen is someone else, not me. I'm outside my body detached yet connected.
The men, the watchers, the eyes and their lust ... sitting on my desktop focused on me.
It's a red-toned high that comforts me when I am most alone.
It cuddles me when no arms appear. My needs disguised behind smiles and my soft flesh.
It lingers with mail that flatters and temps and makes me think for a while they care.
The next day the high vanishes and I'm left to wonder why and frightened to wonder if I'll find my way out to something real again.
Nothing seems real anymore ... encounters are temporary video reflections, touch-less kisses in empty arms.
While I might be a fantasy, I don't think I'm the girl for you.
I'm looking for love and spinning out of control.
What might seem like a party is really just a heart hoping to be found.
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