Tiny steps
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Posted:Jun 20, 2016 3:09 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 6:15 pm
10575 Views
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I've thought about this blog for a while. I've thought about logging in and closing things out. I don't know why. I was never very social here. I didn't make friends, and I don't think hanging up a closing sign will garner much attention.
Still, it helped me to come here; to write my thoughts down, and tell my stories, even if the act of telling them was mostly for me.
There is value in gratitude. I'm thankful I had a place to go; that I could fling my words into a crowd of people who may have little interest in them, but who also wouldn't judge me for them. It was good to know my words were out there, and not solely in my head.
It's been time to move on from this place for a while. I just haven't got around to it until now. So I'm moving on. If you've ever read any of my words; shared just a piece of my life with me, thank you. Thank you for taking a few, tiny steps with me, even for just a while.
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Indefinite
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Posted:Apr 20, 2015 6:51 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2018 5:59 pm
18482 Views
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"I think I would like to move to Baltimore," my wife told me last week.
"Oh?" I asked. "For how long?"
I knew why she wanted to go. Her boyfriend, Phin lives there now. He had been in town a week earlier and Tricia had spent several days with him. She was missing him.
"I don't know," she said. "I guess indefinitely. How would you feel about that?"
My feeling was, that if she's going to leave me "indefinitely," she's going to leave me. I told her so, and I told her I didn't like the idea.
We had a discussion we've had a few times before. She misses Phin. He's been single since his divorce last year. He's dating again. He's looking for someone to spend his life with. Eventually, he's going to meet someone, and that woman probably won't want to share him.
And then, like Tricia does every few years, she started to explain to me why I would be happier without her around. The reasons were feeble and bullshit, as they always are. If I didn't want to be around my wife, I wouldn't be around her.
"Well, can you... maybe mull it over for a few days?" she asked.
Indeed I have.
I was rattled at first. This is a big deal. If Tricia absolutely needs to make such a commitment to Phin, I don't see my marriage surviving for much longer, no matter how much or little time she spends with him.
This August will be our 20th wedding anniversary. We were high school sweethearts. Now I'm looking at being divorced and alone at 44.
Maybe. As I said, this seems like a cyclic thing. Maybe she's looking to move, or maybe she simply needs a change. This would not be the first storm we've weathered.
The difference now is that, after the initial shock, I'm strangely OK. For the last several years, I've lived with the idea that marriage isn't a vow you make one time at the beginning; it's an agreement you make daily. I choose to stay with Tricia because I love her, and I don't want to be with anyone else. The two of us have discussed this. If that feeling changes for either one of us, there is no obligation to stay.
In thinking this way, I live my life knowing that things can change quickly. I have established a social circle of close friends who can support me in difficult times. I've maintained close ties to my family. My life is stable. I don't want to lose my wife, but I also don't want to live with someone who doesn't absolutely want me as her primary relationship.
We haven't talked much since. I'm waiting to see just how much she pushes this.
I think counseling is in order. It's been a while since we've gone, and, for better or worse, or relationship could use some attention right now.
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Textbook
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Posted:Mar 29, 2015 8:38 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 6:15 pm
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Megan was having horrible abdominal pain last week. On Tuesday, she went to urgent care.
I've tested positive for Chlamydia, she texted me.
Naturally, this was concerning. Megan and I started having unprotected sex a month ago. Even if we had used protection, there is still a risk of transmission. I made an appointment with my doctor to get tested.
"Could it be from you? Or from you through Tricia?" Megan asked. She was not agitated, emotional, or hysteric. She was only curious. I was impressed with how calm she was in the face of this news.
It could certainly have been worse. Chlamydia is easily treatable, and is not resistant to antibiotics, like some current strains of Gonorrhea. It's important to contact sexual partners so they can get tested. Few people actually show symptoms of the infection when they have it.
"I suppose it's possible," I told her. "Neither of us have symptoms."
"Could she have got it from Phin?" Phin is Tricia's boyfriend. The two of them had been having unprotected sex as well.
"We will all get tested," I assured Megan.
And so I did, and I tested positive for Chlamydia as well.
I emailed Maggie, Andrea, and Annette in turn. They were each thankful for the news, sympathetic to me, and not terribly worried.
Tricia got her results later. "Negative," she told me.
I assumed I had been carrying it for some time, and that I infected Megan as soon as we stopped using condoms, but that was now unlikely since Tricia was not infected. It's likely that Megan infected me, and I was not yet showing symptoms.
Megan was surprised too. She has a husband and another married boyfriend. There are plenty of avenues for this infection. It's uncertain and probably impossible to determine who got it first and from where.
But I don't think it matters. I have always suspected that STI rates are lower among non-monogamous people than they are among monogamous, "normal" people. The reason is that communication is so important between people with open relationships. With that, removing the stigma of STIs is important to the community I'm involved with.
For people in monogamous relationships, they may assume there is no need to get tested regularly for STIs. But people either cheat, or are unknowingly involved with someone who cheats. Sadly, this is not uncommon. When you're not monogamous, and everyone you're involved with knows it, the risk is always there for an infection to spread, and you can go into a relationship knowing this.
I think this Chlamydia episode is a textbook example of that dynamic. Everyone involved was calm, and acted quickly to inform others of a potential health risk. Everyone is getting tested and treated accordingly. The infection will be gone in all of us in a few weeks, and we won't present a danger to the people we love.
For Megan, the infection triggered Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) which was causing her abdominal pain. She felt better almost immediately after starting on antibiotics. Her doctor removed her IUD to assist healing. She is no longer on birth control. She and I will be going back to condoms for the foreseeable future.
Which is fine with me. I don't think either of us have much appetite for the time being to continue our no-condom adventures. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not ashamed. I feel no shame because I have not done anything shameful. I do think I should get tested more often (it's been a year). This sort of thing is a good reminder that things can and do go wrong sometimes.
But I am aware of the risks. And I'm doing everything I can to inform and protect the people I care about. If that attitude was more prevalent in our society, there would be less STIs to go around.
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Fluidity
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Posted:Mar 1, 2015 2:33 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2015 7:59 am
21087 Views
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"Fluid bonding" means having unprotected sex with a partner. It's something Megan and I started doing a week ago. Megan had talked about her desire to do it for many weeks, because she assumed it would be more enjoyable for both of us. (She was right). She just needed to discuss it fully with her husband, Dan. He was ok with it, as was my wife, Tricia.
For me, this was a first. I had heard of other non-monogamous people doing it. There's usually an acknowledgement of greater risk and greater trust between two partners. It's usually done with a partner you know well and see often, as is the case with Megan.
Tricia has had unprotected sex with her boyfriend, Phin. At the time, he was sexual with only her. He has since started dating other women, and Tricia and him started using condoms again.
I had dinner with Maggie last night, and, almost casually, told her about this new development. I was not sure if it made any difference to Maggie, but I felt like it was something she would want to know.
Maggie was less than pleased. She didn't react in a dramatic or emotional way, but she grew very thoughtful and introspective. She mentioned that the rates of STIs are rising in this country. She said she was seeing a trend in the polyamorous community about more people fluid bonding, and she thought that was worrying. She talked about growing up during the age of AIDS, and how young people today might not fully appreciate the dangers of unprotected sex.
After dinner, I brought her to my place. Tricia was gone, and Maggie stayed overnight. We had planned our date a few weeks earlier. I had not seen Maggie in many weeks, and I actually can't remember the last time I had sex with her. It may have been over a year ago, at Lexy's beach party. Before dinner, we both had an expectation of sex when we got back to my place.
But at home, it became clear that my new development with Megan was a deal-breaker for Maggie. We talked about it calmly. Maggie said she wanted to discuss it with her husband and boyfriend, Jace, before doing anything sexual with me. We had a lovely time together. Sex is not a requirement for us.
But it did leave me inside my own head after Maggie went home. For one thing, it had me doubting my decision to not use protection with Megan. For another, it made me realize that my relationship with Maggie, at least the physical part, may be dying.
I met Maggie five years ago, and I've been dating her steadily ever since, at least up until a year ago. In all of 2014, she was working on her dissertation, and she was dating Jace. Jace and his wife have become a kind of blended family with Maggie and Joshua. Their are around the same age, and the adults are kind of co-parents to each other's . Maggie loves Jace and his wife, and having them around is a dream situation for her.
In the last year, I've thought of Maggie as a girlfriend, but it's clear that the two of us have been drifting apart. I still love her. We still say "I love you" to each other.
But I'm not sure we're lovers anymore. We haven't had sex in forever and neither one of us really noticed or missed it. I think that means something.
The whole fluid bonding thing may be the excuse Maggie needs to drift away even further. She may not even entirely realize she's doing it.
And I'm left with the decision on whether or not I should let her.
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Hot Commodity
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Posted:Feb 5, 2015 5:50 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2015 1:56 pm
22854 Views
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I wish I could see you more often. I should buy one of the houses next to you. Then I could get hugs and kisses like everyday.
Megan is crazy about me. I think she would see me much more often if she were able to.
She's not able to because Dan has limited her to a one date/week rule with me. I'm not sure what that rule is supposed to accomplish. I guess it keeps her from seeing "too much" of me.
I'm not crazy about Megan. I know that sounds horrible and I can probably explain myself better. I do love Megan. I feel relaxed around her. Our chemistry is great. We get each other's humor. I enjoy spending time with her, and I think about her often.
But I don't feel a lot of anxiety; like I absolutely need to be with her every minute of every day. I'm comparing this relationship to past relationships, of course. I have felt that way before. It's usually not about the woman I'm seeing at the time, but about what's going on inside me with my own insecurities, etc.
Dan and Megan are new to having an open marriage. I remember when Tricia and I were new. I was crazy about Lilith, a past relationship (see above). Tricia would permit me to see Lilith, but she was not happy about it. I could almost see the fear in her eyes as I went out the door on a date with Lilith. Tricia may have easily imagined that I wouldn't come back; physically maybe, but that my mind was on someone else.
That was years ago of course. Since then, I've come back to Tricia many, many times. When I started dating Megan, Tricia didn't blink. She has been kind and wonderful towards me and towards Megan as well.
When I think about human relationships, sometimes none of this seems complicated at all. Megan puts me on a bit more of a pedestal than I put her on, but I'm more of a hot commodity. Dan has ensured that her time with me is extra special, because there is a limit on how much of it she can have. Tricia has placed no such limit on my time with Megan. (I'm sure she'd get a little irked if I was spending so much time with my girlfriend that I was neglecting her).
I can easily sit back and let Megan schedule dates. If I have a conflict, Megan will work to reschedule so that she can see me when she is able to.
It is a slight thing, but it matters.
If Dan were to open the floodgates, and let Megan schedule as much time with me as she wanted, I'm sure she would go a little crazy. I imagine I would see a lot of her for several weeks, and then eventually her interest would wane. I wouldn't be such a hot commodity anymore. Once she realizes she can see me any time she wants, she won't need to see me so much.
I could explain this to Dan, but this is something new couples need to learn on their own, and I don't think he would listen to me anyway.
Crazy, isn't it?
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Diversification
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Posted:Jan 2, 2015 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2015 6:52 am
24029 Views
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"What do you want to do on our date tomorrow night?" Megan asked me.
"I'm not sure yet," I replied. "I'll have to think about it."
"Well what do you do on your dates with your other girlfriends?"
"It doesn't matter," I said. "That's them. This is you."
"That's a good answer."
Megan has asked me some extensive questions about the other women I see. I admit it puts me in a weird headspace I've never been in to such a degree. The two of us are very close. We're intimate. I'm not sure if I would describe her interest in my other dates as jealousy. I mean, I'm married. Megan is married. Megan is intimate with other men and women.
"Do you say 'I love you' to any of them?"
"Just Maggie," I told her. "Not to Andrea or to Annette. I guess we're more like... fuck buddies."
"How about Anna?"
"Anna? I guess I don't consider her a girlfriend. We don't have sex. Well, we kind of do, but not regularly." Intimacy with Anna was hard to explain, and I didn't want to go into explicit sexual detail about someone behind her back.
The headspace is weird because it puts me a little on the defensive, and it also makes me wonder why I do date so many women. I mean, I'm obviously a swinger, and I do see other women. I have friendships and histories with each woman, and they are each special in their own way. I see Megan at least weekly. I see Maggie, Annette, and Andrea maybe monthly. Sometimes less often. But I definitely would say I have four girlfriends. Add to that my wife, and it sounds like a lot.
Is it? Now I'm doubting myself. Do I somehow... NEED so much attention?
I think I really do. It goes back to the affair I had 15 years ago. I was monogamous at the time of course. Everything was secret, and new. And it seemed like every single emotion I had was wrapped up in one person - she was my friend, lover, mentor, family, co-conspirator, etc. When she left me, it ripped everything away from me, because I had spent no time investing in my other friendships, and certainly not in my marriage.
Six years ago, I had a similar experience with Lilith. It was less secretive. My emotions were less concentrated in her, and I was less hurt when she left me. Still, I remember the pain.
So yes, now I date several women. It is a measure of protection, I'm sure, even if I'm not fully aware I'm doing it. The thing is, I don't even think I need so much companionship now. I think I would actually be fine with just Tricia, or even on my own. I have a degree of self-confidence and maturity now that I didn't have years ago.
I explained these thoughts to Megan, and she seemed to accept my reasoning.
"I don't think you're really interested in my relationship with other women," I told her. "I think you're interested in my relationship with you."
"I try to understand things by comparing them to what I know," she nodded. "I want to know how I compare."
"You want to know that you're special to me," I said. "You are. You are very special to me. I'm not sure I'm very good at showing you how much."
"You are good at it," she said.
I don't mind her asking. I just want to make sure she knows that she is a big deal to me. But I also have real friendships with these other women, and I have no intention of changing the way I think of them or the frequency in which I see them. Megan has never asked me to, or even hinted that she wants me to. I think, like she says, she's just trying to understand my world, and where she fits into it.
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An unexpected special thing
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Posted:Jan 2, 2015 4:56 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 6:15 pm
24666 Views
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I think I just saw you pass us by in a bar at Hojo
I received this message from Ally last week. I was staying at a Howard Johnson's in Fargo, ND for one night on my way home to see family over the holidays.
You're not wrong.
Cool! We're still here if you want to join us.
I'm not sure what the odds were of running into Dennis and Ally. The three of us just happened to be in the same hotel on the same night, and we all just happened to head to the bar at the same time.
I visited with both of them as they finished some chicken wings. It was good to see them, and they were happy to see me too. It had been several years since I had really spoken to either of them.
They were married now, and their former spouses, Kirk and Irina, had married each other. Yes, the four of them had led some interesting lives. The divorces/re-weddings had left things tense between the two couples, but they had were cordial with each other, especially since they had to negotiate custody between two cities several times a year.
Dennis turned in early, as he had to work the next day. That was part of the reason they were traveling. A band started playing in the bar, and things got noisy. I suggested to Ally that we continue to visit in the lobby.
Once there, I began to feel a little uncomfortable as the two of us talked about non-monogamy within earshot of other hotel patrons. I suggested that we go to my room, and Ally agreed.
I feel like this is the point in the story where things should get all "Dear Penthouse," but nothing happened. In fact, I made a point, humorously (I hope), to tell Ally that this wasn't about play or seduction.
We had a great visit. We caught up with each other over the things that had happened the last few years. Ally is talkative. She's the type of person with few secrets; everything is an open book with her. It also felt good for me to talk to someone about the people in my life and the things that mattered to me.
She told me that she and Dennis don't play alone, but there had been one exception last summer. She was taking the train back from the west coast, and had chatted with a man in the dining car. He had had an open relationship with his wife years ago, but was now single. Ally was attracted to him, but made no moves. She texted Dennis about her feelings, and he encouraged her to play with him.
"The conditions were that I was not to give the man my last name, or my phone number, or any information about myself," Ally said. "That's how Dennis is. The less he knows about the other man, the better."
Well, that really rules me out, I thought. I'm glad I didn't make an awkward suggestion to play with her.
"So," I asked, "Did you have sex with the man?"
"I did," she said. "He had a sleeping car. He was cool with the conditions Dennis had given me. We had fun."
She went on to say that this happened during a time in her life when she was feeling unsexy and down about herself. It had been a self-esteem boost that she really needed.
"Dennis has kind of been reaping the rewards of that experience ever since," she smiled.
She had spent maybe two hours in my room. We talked about the naughty things we had done. We talked about travel, family, spirituality... everything. This was the only time I had ever talked to her alone for so long.
We hugged when she left, and expressed mutual enjoyment with our time together catching up. I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll see her again. But she and Dennis do travel a lot, and I told her to certainly let Tricia and I know if they are in our area and want to hang out. She promised they would.
So, no. Maybe this story isn't very naughty. It might even be a little boring. But it was fun, and ultimately more rewarding than simply having a physical hook-up. No doubt that would have been fun too. But I got to know Ally a little better, and I that's a special thing for me.
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You might not like my answer
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Posted:Nov 11, 2014 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2015 4:57 pm
28160 Views
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Me: How are you?
Megan: I'm a wreck as usual. I called in sick. Dan is freaking out because I'm refusing a hand holder today. He's having a total mental breakdown, depression mixed with stress from me. It's really really hard to have Dan freaking out right now.
Me: I'm sorry to hear that.
Megan: I feel like I should be trying to figure out some kind of action to take.
Me: How so?
Megan: Part of my self preservation stuff is thinking of a plan for almost any situation. I'm having a hard time deciding what I would do if Dan's insecurities win and he wants to go back to monogamy.
Me: Ya. That would be a tough one.
Megan: Part of me is horribly selfish.
Me: Part of every human being is horribly selfish.
Megan: Do you think I'm a bad wife for thinking like this?
Me: Not one bit. And you shouldn't be ashamed of your thoughts.
Megan: I'm doubting everything right now. I'm not really sure deep down what I really feel and what is just me being reactive to other people. A lot of times I feel like things would be so much easier if I lived alone.
Me: You should listen to what's going on in your head and your life. It doesn't necessarily mean you should leave.
Megan: Have you ever found someone else more attractive than you do Tricia?
Me: Yes. My affair. Since then, my thinking has changed to what she can offer me. And what all of my relationships can offer me. Like, everyone adds something.
Megan: I've got a couple questions that have popped into my head but I'm totally sure they really will scare you away.
Me: Let's hear em.
Megan: Well, um... I think a lot. And I play out a lot of possible scenarios in my head. And I've thought about taking a break from Dan and spending more time with you. I have had thoughts that we could be happy together. Happier than we are in our current relationships, as a primary couple. So I guess the question part of that is what do you think about that, and how much does it freak you out?
Me: It doesn't freak me out, but you might not like my answer.
Megan: Hit me.
Me: It would feel like I'm responsible for someone else's marriage going south. And I don't think I could support that.
Megan: Well yeah, cuz you're happy and secure, lol
Me: Yes, and it's a happiness I worked hard for.
Megan: I hope I didn't freak you out too bad. I don't think that I actually want to run away with you. I'm just unhappy in my current situation, you make me happy, and my crazy brain is searching for ways to run away and feel better.
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A million little scenarios
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Posted:Nov 10, 2014 7:11 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2014 6:15 pm
27147 Views
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Megan: I have to confess that I'm feeling threatened by your date with Andrea next week. I know it's not rational.
Me: Thanks for sharing that.
Megan: She is so cool and so hot. I'm worried that you'll fall in with her and out with me, lol.
Me: Haha. Well, I've known her for many years. I would have definitely fallen for her by now. I thought I would also subtly let Andrea know about your girl boner for her.
Megan: I'm pretty sure I've already told her that, but go ahead. I'm not allowed to play with her with you anyways, and even if it was allowed I don't think I could.
Megan's last message told me a lot. It told me that Dan has forbidden her to have a threesome with Andrea and me, should the occasion ever arise. I have to admit, I've thought about it. I suppose I should not have assumed that Megan could just come out and play without getting the OK from Dan.
Her message also told me that it would be difficult for her to see me with another woman. Yes, it is a dichotomy of thought. I'm always with another woman: my wife. I guess another girlfriend is different.
With newbie couples, especially ones that are good at talking the talk, I sometimes forget that there are a million little scenarios they haven't done yet, like dealing with the fact that your wife and the man she is in love with are having a threesome without you. A lot of these scenarios are old hat for Tricia and me, but they are uncharted territory for Megan and Dan. This short chat with Megan left me feeling somewhat chagrined. I need to be careful about my assumptions.
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You can say it if you do
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Posted:Nov 10, 2014 9:17 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2015 5:00 pm
26908 Views
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I'm at your front door, I texted Megan.
Give me a minute and then come up.
I entered her bedroom to candlelight and music. Megan was on her bed, wearing a corset, panties, garters, and thigh-high leggings, all in black.
Her face was impassive. It usually is. She was staring at me intently.
"This... this is nice," I stammered.
We had planned to spend an hour or so in bed, and then go do something. It ended up being three hours.
Three hours of caressing and pillow talk. It was wonderful.
"Do you still like me?" I asked.
"Of course."
"Do you love me? You can say it if you do."
"Oh no," she laughed. "I've come close to saying it by accident too many times. It's going to slip out eventually. I'm just going to wait for that to happen."
"Oh, it's going to be like THAT, is it? Well two can play that game. I'm just going to wait too."
About three seconds of silence passed.
"Hmm," I said. "No, I'm not going to wait. I love you."
"I'm definitely falling for you too," she said. I noticed she didn't say those words back to me. I guess I'm a 15 year old boy inside. Then I marveled at the fact that I was the one who said it first. How did she do that?
We did go out, and we joined friends who had gathered at a restaurant. Megan texted someone on the way there.
"I told my friends you used the 'L' word," she told me.
Ah, so it IS a big deal.
Tricia was at the restaurant, along with Erin, Andrew, Lexi, and others. Dan showed up late, and he drove Megan home.
I hugged her when she got ready to go.
"I love you," she said. The first time. It sounded completely natural to hear.
"I love you too."
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Healthy
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Posted:Nov 5, 2014 7:17 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2015 3:19 pm
28720 Views
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Megan suffers from anxiety. She's had it really bad since August. The attacks started a few weeks before I met her. She's been to at least three doctors, who have all told her there is nothing they can do. Her condition has forced her to cut back her work to part-time, and she goes to therapy and coping skills classes a few times a week. She has been incredibly good at dealing with this thing, but it is taking its toll.
I can't do much for her, but she tells me that spending time with me is good. Just snuggling is enough physical contact to relax her body. It seems obvious that I should spend a lot of time with her, especially because she's wonderful and I want to. But her husband Dan still has some anxiety of his own about her relationship with me.
I've talked to him a few times in the last three months, but not in any way that's meaningful. I feel like that's been a mistake on my part. He IM'd me last night, and I took the opportunity to chat with him.
Dan: I just want to let you know that I appreciate the support you are giving Megan.
Me: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Dan: I know she is hurting really bad. I am very scared. I am at a loss on what I can do to help her out. I can only hold her and tell her things will be ok.
Me: It's about all you can do. It bugs me too. Apparently, I've never known her when she's well. She told me she hides it well.
Dan: She does hide things well, but I know her too well. I think that is what scares me the most. She will try to tell me she is doing better, but I can tell that things have not changed. It is not just the anxiety. It is depression as well since she can not do what she feels she needs to do. I am getting close to my breaking point too.
Me: Is your stress all about Megan or are there other things?
Dan: This is the worst time at work and I get the blues at this time of the year too. I am scared that Megan will follow through with hurting herself sometime, and I will not forgive myself for not being there for her. I know that is not rational, but it is in my head.
Me: What type of hurting herself does Megan do?
Dan: In the past she has cut herself. She has certain tools that she likes to use, and I have taken those out of the house so she does not have that easy access. Since her and I have been together, she has only done it once. It was at a low point with her, and she snapped out of it right away. This time is much darker and longer lasting. I am not sure how far she will go feeling this way for so long.
Me: I feel for both of you. This sucks. I feel kind of useless, but please let me know if there is anything I can do.
We chatted a bit more, and it felt good. I wanted to talk with him about some of the jealousy and tension he felt about me dating Megan, but our conversation was intense enough for one night. We both voiced intent for talking again in a few days when we would be at a social event together.
Megan IM'd me almost immediately afterwards.
Megan: I'm so fucking embarrassed.
Me: About what?
Megan: You guys talking about how to deal with me or whatever.
Me: Well, two men who care about you are indeed having a conversation about you and how to best care for you. If it helps, we didn't reach any conclusion at all. Other than to just be there for you and listen and stuff.
Megan: Yeah. probably just a pride thing.
Me: I get the embarrassment. Sorry. But I think it's all good.
Megan: I know. I'm glad you guys talked. Thank you. I feel cared for.
She texted me again this morning.
Megan: I'm not doing so good hun
Me: What's going on?
Megan: I'm not sure I can stand to hang in there anymore.
Me: What does that look like when you don't?
Megan: It means I need a babysitter, or to go inpatient.
Me: Going inpatient means going to the hospital and getting drugs?
Megan: Yeah, but I'd probably refuse the drugs and they'd hold me there for like forever. I used to be doped up. I don't want to be dependent on pills again.
Me: Maybe you could schedule a rotation of friends to come over.
Megan: Babysitters. So fucking embarrassing.
Me: If it's that or inpatient, which would you prefer?
Megan: I don't know. I'll be OK.
Me: Let me know if you're not. I can easily be there too.
Megan: I am at really high risk today, but I don't want to upset Dan by going to you or whatever. He's trying to put himself back together today.
Me: I respect that. It's a balance, I know.
Megan: I'll call him and then get back to you via text or something. Could you really come?
Me: Yes.
Dan was actually enthusiastic at the thought of me going to see Megan. I spent about three hours with her this afternoon. Megan's crazy doesn't look crazy at all. She hugged me when I arrived, and then calmly made herself a sandwich and watched TV. I've never seen her cry, or be hysterical in any way. I know there is tension under her surface, and I'm happy to know I can maybe quell it, at least for a bit.
We didn't get very physical, except for some kissing and snuggling. We didn't talk about any really intense feelings. I wasn't sure what was going on in her noodle, and I didn't want to inject any more brain chemicals into the mix.
"I had a good chat with Dan last night," I told her.
"I'm embarrassed."
"Don't be," I said. "It was not entirely all about you. I feel like I've been focused on you and I have not been talking to him. And for us to collaborate on care for you is a good thing. I need to seem like an ally to him; not a rival. I've felt like he may see me that way from the things you told me, or he may be starting to. I need to nip that in the bud."
"I guess that's smart," she said.
"The more comfortable he is with me, the more time I get to spend with you."
We both left around 3:30 when Megan went to therapy. She IM'd me this evening.
Megan: My therapist is proud of me for asking for help. She said to stop saying that you guys are watching or babysitting me, it's kind of self defeating or something.
Me: I'm proud of you too.
Megan: I put a shout-out on the interwebs for handholders. I'll set up a schedule and I won't be alone while I'm trying to get well. I will kick this thing's ass.
And that's where things are tonight. Megan and Dan are both dealing with some worry and scary feelings. The newness of Megan dating another man is probably not helping their anxiety. What I'm hoping to do is to turn that new, scary thing (me) into an asset. I really think I can help them both. I think that is what a healthy poly relationship is supposed to look like, and it's one I've had to adjust to with my own wife's connection with Phin. The jealousy and unease with the guy that is dating your wife is natural, but once you get past that, you see that there is another strong and capable person who loves and cares for her.
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All that glitter
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Posted:Nov 2, 2014 1:15 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 6:15 pm
27825 Views
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"How do you feel about glitter?" Megan asked me. We were planning on going to a costume party last night. She was dressing as an angel.
"I like it," I said. "It's like magic fairy dust."
"OK. Cool. Some men really hate it. Getting all that glitter on them."
"Hey," I told her, "If I'm covered in your glitter dust tomorrow morning, I know it will have been a good night. This is going to be the best walk of shame ever."
"Dan is nervous. He keeps saying 'this is a big step,' with me staying at your place."
"Well," I said, "you guys move fast. Remember that time he let you have sex with other men without him? I do, because it was last week. With me."
"I'm perfectly fine with it. And I'm fine with him staying with his girlfriend. He sometimes asks me why I'm not more concerned when he plays with other women. He tends to ruminate. I'm like, it's fine. You just need to man up."
I remember the same feelings playing out between Tricia and me, when we started seeing other people years ago. The insecurity would shift between her and me, and ebb and flow in intensity.
"I think that's normal," I told Megan. "You'll keep coming home to him. He'll relax."
The party was fun. It was full of lifestyle people; friends of ours. We didn't play. It was more about the socializing, although I think some people were having sex in other parts of the house.
Megan and I had sex at my house, before the party and after.
A lot of sex. I don't cum easily, and condoms ensure it is almost impossible for me to do so. So that means we can fuck for a long time. I'll stop when I start to get tired.
"Are we switching positions?" Megan asked me, more than once when I stopped.
"Um, yes..." I said, and we did so, and kept fucking. I'm 15 years older than Megan. This was the most time we've ever had together for sex. I started to wonder if she would be a girlfriend I could keep up with.
I woke up with her in my bed this morning. Tricia had spent the night at Reno's to give us the house together.
"How did you sleep?" she asked.
"Wonderfully," I said. "And you?"
"Not that great, I don't think. Did I fall asleep in your arms?"
"You did," I smiled.
"That's awesome." Her fingers trailed down my chest and along my thigh. "Are you a morning sex person?"
My cock was already stirring at her touch. I smiled again. "I am."
"What are you thinking?" she asked me some time later. "No, wait. I know what you're going to say: 'Pretty girl. Soft. Nice...'"
"And warm and naked too," I told her. Her hair fell over her sleepy, sexy morning eyes. She was absolutely beautiful.
She wants me to tell her I love her, I think. I've never said those words to her.
"I think you want an intimate and loving relationship with a boyfriend," I said to her. "I think you're in a place in your life where that is what you really want. I think I'm... right on the edge of being able to be that for you."
"Maybe I shouldn't tell you about how much Dan worries," she said. "You'll think someday he'll stop letting me see you, and then you'll be hurt."
"That's... That's..."
Spot on.
"That's probably true," I said. "You guys move fast, and so far, you're doing everything really well with the communicating and the emotions. But no one is THAT good. You may hit a wall, or backslide a bit."
"I'M that good," Megan laughed.
I laughed too. "You just may be," I said.
So my night (and morning) was fantastic. I don't remember the last time I had so much physical intimacy with someone new. I'm very happy, of course. We get along so well. Our mental and physical chemistry is wonderful. My brain should be absolutely bubbling with the feel-good endorphins. It's not. Not entirely. There's a place inside me that reminds me that, just because something is shiny and new, doesn't mean it won't hurt you.
"I really did cover you in glitter," Megan told me as she got ready to go home, eying the specks stuck to my morning stubble. "Will Tricia be mad?"
"Tricia will probably give me a high-five," I said.
"Oh good. Tricia is cool."
"She really is," I agreed.
We made plans to see each other again. I don't know when she'll do another sleepover. I hope it is something she can do periodically. I like waking up with her.
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Guess
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Posted:Oct 23, 2014 6:14 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 6:15 pm
28068 Views
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Megan: guess what? Oh I know! A guessing game! Guess why I'm excited?
Me: Idk. Why? Did I mention I'm really bad at guessing games?
Megan: guess.
Me: You went to the zoo and bought an elephant? That's it, isn't it? Maybe I'm good at this...
Megan: It's something I think you'll be excited about too
Me: The elephant was not correct? I was excited about the elephant.
Megan: nope, not an elephant
Me: Then I would guess it's a decision about what Dan will allow you to do with boys.
Megan: whaaaa? why would we be excited about that?
Me: like I said, I'm bad at this. What color is it?
Megan: nude
Me: lol. Ok, that is exciting.
Megan: right?!
Me: I like nude. How did that come about?
Megan: I asked him how he felt about it. We talked about how I feel about him and his girlfriend. Talking you know, like you do.
Me: hmmm. talking, eh? I've heard of that.
Megan: it's kind of like IM-ing, but slightly different
Me: uh huh, I'm following you. I think.
Megan: so yeah, the door is open whenever we want to do the things
Me: the nude things.
Megan: yep
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