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Maybe I was too friendly
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Maybe I was too friendly Something happened tonight that kind of spooked me. Before I get to that let me start with what lead up to it. A few weeks before I joined this site I was looking to replace the guy I was fucking. We have been having sex exclusively for 2 yrs. He started to want a commitment, but honestly I'm just not ready for it. While I was looking for an replacement, I met this guy. He lived in the apartment next to me and was my type.So I did start flirting with him, until I found out he was married. I let him know that I dont get involved with married men, but we can be friends. I set the boundaries and he agreed to them. We would text, but nothing intimate. We would talk about his marriage and discuss ways to make it work. Soon he started popping up wherever i was. I thought nothing of it cause this is a small community. One of my girlfriends started noticing and she raised a concern. But since I had already spoken to him about where I stood, I thought she was just being overprotective. I told her he was harmless. Two weeks ago, he followed me into my building, cornered me and tried to kiss me. I was able to stop it and let him know that I would tell his wife if he tried that again. At this point, I told him that I couldnt be his friend cause he couldn't respect my boundaries. While he did stop texting, he kept popping up. This evening I was at the park with my friend and our daughters. He popped up and tried to instigate himself in our conversation. We tried to be polite and let him know that we were having a private discussion. He left. We stayed at the park. I got 3 text messages from him, but ignored them. It was dark by the time I got home. I really dont worry in my neighborhood. Most people know us and look out for us. I guess I got too comfortable, because I didnt notice him approaching until my said something. He grabbed my arm, telling me he had to speak to me in private. I thought something bad had happened so I was asking questions ( I know, stupid). I wouldnt let him pull me away, cause I had my . He seemed more distressed then violent. My don't have too much exposure to adult males unless it is a group setting or family, so she was getting afraid and upset as well. I was trying to calm them both down, when he started to pull me towards my door. I started speaking louder so that people can at least hear if something happens. He had no regard for my , who wasnt crying but you can tell that she was scared. I kept her behind me as we were pulled into the building. He started to tell me how much he loves me and how he wanted to leave his wife. He grabbed my face and started to kiss me. I froze, because my was there and I was shocked. I was angry and felt violated. I pushed him back and slapped the shit out of him. How dare you put my in an adult situation? Who the fuck do you think you are? Most people respect the fact that they will never be around my . I do not let men around my . In the 2 yrs that I was with my ex, he saw her only once and that was because he popped up unannounced. Trust that he was thoroughly cussed the fuck out. By the time I cussed this guy, who disregard my cause he had something to say, one of my neighbors was coming up, while on the phone with the police. She was asked if I needed the police to come. I declined. He walked out the building. I calmed my down and spoke to my neighbor. I let her know who he was and not to let him in the building. I'll speak to the others tomorrow. I settled my in and read her a story. As I sit here, I wonder about so many things. Is it me? Did I do the right thing? Should I have done something different? What if there had been a different outcome? So much have been taken from me and I've fought so hard to maintain the peace within. Calmness is a state of mind. Fear is as well. Maintain one and acknowledge the other. Today, I share something with you that isn't just about sex. It's funny. In my day to day life, I'm very private. I keep my life to myself. But in this blog, I've been able to talk freely about sex and what I seek and not get shamed for it. Just that acceptance, gave me something that I didn't know was missing. |
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I hesitated on posting a comment.
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From what I read, you did nothing wrong, BUT this guy may be a problem. Since he lives next to you, you would have heard any loud arguments or fights no problem I would imagine. If you have not heard anything, that's a good sign that he is not violent. But I would tell his wife and then see about moving, may be best to separate yourself from any further discomfort.
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1 post 8/21/2016 9:28 pm |
I'd love to get you!
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I don't think that you did anything wrong. We aren't going to get through life without any misunderstandings or miscalculations. Don't second guess yourself. It sounds like you handled this pretty well and you set a good example for your daughter. Not all lessons are pleasant, but she has an experience now that taught her something about this kind of situation. I'm glad it ended as well as it did.  Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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get some pepper spray or keep your keys in your hand and be ready to use them.
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I'm awfully sorry you had to encounter one of the major assholes of our species! You were lucky that you weren't harmed. Men who ignore spatial boundaries, rarely if ever stop there. They can quickly escalate to violence, and due to their sociopathic nature, have no qualms about causing harm, and then justifying their behavior by thinking that YOU MADE THEM act that way! Telling his wife might just enrage him enough to take revenge on you. Please be careful, and don't assume that just because you stated your boundaries that every man will honor them. If moving to another location is a feasible option, I highly recommend it. Boundary violators ALWAYS escalate!
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Be very careful. you know what. I have been taking self defense classes. cause lately some guys have gotten very pushy. so sorry to her about all this. this is what I was telling you the first time I spoke to you. to be very careful. to always be alert. don't rust just anyone. and do not mingle with disrespectful people that won respect boundaries. Good thing you and your daughter are OK.
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GLAD YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE OK, be very careful people who have never been violent can be violent when it is something or someone they want, Don't brush this off, please, too many stories about people losing their lives because someone wanted them and they didn't want them, you never thought he would do something like this, but he prove to be more violent than you thought, Please be careful
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No, I don't think it's you. You clearly set boundaries right from the beginning. He agreed to them, then he starts to get aggressive when he wants something more. And in front of your daughter! There is never a reason for a man to get aggressive with a woman. Having never met the guy I don't know if he's harmless or not but I'd try to find out. Court records are public and there should be a way you can go online and check them. Just be very careful around the ass. Good luck.
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Thank you for your thoughts and advice. All last night, after I posted this. I was wondering if I overreacted or maybe if I should have let the police come. I will be more careful in the future and not be too quick to dismiss warnings.
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Thank you for nipping that in the bud.
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8/22/2016 6:41 am |
After reading this i think that you under reacted. The police should have at least come out and he needed to face the repercussions for touching you and scaring your daughter. A restraining order needs to be put in place because who knows what lengths he will go too. he has obvious issues that you don't need to be dealing or worrying about.
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I don't think you are second guessing me, but I'm second guessing myself. This whole day I've been replaying everything up to this point in my mind. But you're right, I shouldn't do that. If anything, going forward I should think how can I better protect myself and my child. While I know how to fight, it's different fighting in front of your child. You and several others gave me food for thought. I dismissed him as harmless and ignored red flags. I can not think of it as harmless anymore. All last night, my daughter had nightmares. It angered me that someone put fear in her heart. One of my brothers will be staying with me for a few days so that she will feel safe.
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8/22/2016 4:17 pm |
Be careful and don't let your guard down. "Sweet, steamy, sensuous kisses light the bright fires of passionate lust within us." scott6250
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What you did do wrong: -You failed to identify [your neighbors status] his status [married or single] before you started flirting with him. -You discovered he is married, [and according to you , you don't get involved with married men], but you invited him to be friends anyway. Even as far back as the 1960s [and beyond], women who wanted to be "Friends" with married men, eventually had the married man making a pass at her, or she him. This is just historical behavior of married men. .. I met this guy. He lived in the apartment next to me and was my type. ... You didn't know he was your type yet. You acted without doing proper recon. I let him know that I dont get involved with married men, but we can be friends. .... That's the other thing you did wrong. You got "Involved" with him through flirtation. [After flirting], you told him "..but we can be friends". I set the boundaries and he agreed to them. ....Ha... No, actually you scrambled the boundaries. That's called mix messaging. Most of the time, they never really agree to the woman's boundary terms. Keep that in mind. This is the equivalent of , "Playing with fire".
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Don't be a hysterical numbnut, first be a man and ask him what he meant by that.
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Like I said, don't be a hysterical numbnut.
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What you did do wrong: -You failed to identify [your neighbors status] his status [married or single] before you started flirting with him. -You discovered he is married, [and according to you , you don't get involved with married men], but you invited him to be friends anyway. Even as far back as the 1960s [and beyond], women who wanted to be "Friends" with married men, eventually had the married man making a pass at her, or she him. This is just historical behavior of married men. .. I met this guy. He lived in the apartment next to me and was my type. ... You didn't know he was your type yet. You acted without doing proper recon. I let him know that I dont get involved with married men, but we can be friends. .... That's the other thing you did wrong. You got "Involved" with him through flirtation. [After flirting], you told him "..but we can be friends". I set the boundaries and he agreed to them. ....Ha... No, actually you scrambled the boundaries. That's called mix messaging. Most of the time, they never really agree to the woman's boundary terms. Keep that in mind. This is the equivalent of , "Playing with fire".
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Don't be a hysterical numbnut, first be a man and ask him what he meant by that.
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I agree with you. Women shouldn't have to fear attack. But let me interject that I'm not a victim. Yes I have been stalked, harrassed and touched without my permission. But I'm not a victim. I had worse in my life happened, so that was nothing. I can and will protect myself. If this had happened while I was alone, we wouldn't be talking about it now. There is no fear for myself, but there is great fear for my child. Yes I can protect her physically, but what about her mental and her emotional state. She was place in a situation she shouldnt have been in. For the past three nights, she has had nightmares. It makes me sick, that someone broke her peace. That someone had put fear in her. Yes she has regular fears that children have, the dark and monsters. But a person, something that is not imaginary, broke her security. That what angers me.
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I didn't think that he was blaming me, maybe I'm wrong. Heathen_G, am I wrong? I saw it more as pointing out what I can do in the future to better stop something like this from happening in the future. Could he had put it in a nice way? Perhaps. Now the other guy, I fet he was assigning blame. Like what happen was justified. Update: Later the guy kept approaching me while I was alone (different outcomes). It's been suggested in the comments that it might escalate so I spoke to the police. They in turn spoke to him, since he couldn't accept no from me.
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Don't be a hysterical numbnut, first be a man and ask him what he meant by that. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I didn't think that he was blaming me, maybe I'm wrong. Heathen_G, am I wrong? I saw it more as pointing out what I can do in the future to better stop something like this from happening in the future. Could he had put it in a nice way? Perhaps. Now the other guy, I fet he was assigning blame. Like what happen was justified. Update: Later the guy kept approaching me while I was alone (different outcomes). It's been suggested in the comments that it might escalate so I spoke to the police. They in turn spoke to him, since he couldn't accept no from me. -You failed to identify his status [married or single] before you started flirting with him. -You discovered he is married, but you invited him to be friends anyway. ------------- You shoulder the important part of the blame, because you're old enough to lookout for yourself, plus you also have the responsibility of your daughters safety. Sure, we can blame him, no problem, that's really easy, but that would be like blaming the car that clips you while running across the street without looking both ways, in the first place, while you were carrying your daughter. You know, you won't make that mistake again, even if you didn't write about it in a blog. And you will consider it a mistake, since the result was you having to call the police.
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I agree with you. Women shouldn't have to fear attack. But let me interject that I'm not a victim. Yes I have been stalked, harrassed and touched without my permission. But I'm not a victim. I had worse in my life happened, so that was nothing. I can and will protect myself. If this had happened while I was alone, we wouldn't be talking about it now. There is no fear for myself, but there is great fear for my child. Yes I can protect her physically, but what about her mental and her emotional state. She was place in a situation she shouldnt have been in. For the past three nights, she has had nightmares. It makes me sick, that someone broke her peace. That someone had put fear in her. Yes she has regular fears that children have, the dark and monsters. But a person, something that is not imaginary, broke her security. That what angers me. And btw, men shouldn't have to fear attack either. But it happens.
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What you did do wrong: -You failed to identify his status [married or single] before you started flirting with him. -You discovered he is married, but you invited him to be friends anyway. ------------- You shoulder the important part of the blame, because you're old enough to lookout for yourself, plus you also have the responsibility of your daughters safety. Sure, we can blame him, no problem, that's really easy, but that would be like blaming the car that clips you while running across the street without looking both ways, in the first place, while you were carrying your daughter. You know, you won't make that mistake again, even if you didn't write about it in a blog. And you will consider it a mistake, since the result was you having to call the police.
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