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| Blogs > gottaring > Out of the Mouth of a Babe... |
Gimme a Dick and YOU be the Chick!!
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Gimme a Dick and YOU be the Chick!! My friend 3AmazingKisses wrote an interesting post about what he perceives it might be like to be a woman ([post 2923499]). That's a nutshell version of his post, of course. The purpose of it was to encourage women to leave an email that might compare to what we receive every day from the idiots who troll this site for a cheap piece of ass. My response to his challenge? Thanks for asking! Dear Desperate Dude: I know that you want me. Face it, there are only about 10 viable options for you on this site with reference to marital status, geographical boundaries and bra size. And yeah, Fucktard, I'm the goddamn trifecta. Here's how this is gonna go: You will meet me at a restaurant that uses cloth napkins. I will order white wine and drink it as though there is a prize for finishing the bottle in 30 minutes or less. We will make meaningless small talk until I am drunk enough to ask how big your dick is, but sober enough to realize you're lying through your teeth. I'll mentally subtract the requisite 2.75 inches and determine your worthiness as a partner based on the result. If I order another drink, you're good. After dinner (which you will pay for), I'll let you walk me to my car and kiss me goodnight. If I slip you the tongue, you can assume I might fuck you sometime in the next month. If not, prepare to go down on me for the next three 'dates' until I'm convinced that you aren't a complete waste of flesh. I may or may not tell you I had a good time. I may or may not text you when i get home. I will probably masturbate, but I won't be thinking of you while I do. Think I'm a world-class, Grade A twat? Yeah, I know. But guess what? I can be. Because what's between my legs is the Holy Fucking Grail. Men have killed and died for what I'm packing. And you know what else? You'll gladly adhere to my obnoxious rules and unattainable expectations because I'm the only woman who has given you the time of day since the whoremongers who own this site cashed your check while convincing you that 'paying for it via monthly withdrawals' isn't . Batter up, Mutherfucker. So yeah, this is what I think I would send if I wanted to 'turn the tables' on some unsuspecting dickshine who caught my eye. But I think you guys could do better...especially my heroine, [blog DirtyGirl411]. But that's not what I'm asking you for on this particular post (but feel free to inundate poor 3AK with lewd, lascivious and downright nasty missives- it'll give us good fodder for our lunch date tomorrow). What I want is to know what burning question or issue you might have with regard to the opposite sex. Is there something you just don't get about women (stop laughing)? I'll try and help you out and if I can't, my Ladies will. And Ladies, ever wanted to ask a guy a question and just didn't have the right venue? Ask away! I invite my Guys to answer (Guys: don't anticipate too many queries. Y'all are pretty simple creatures). Let's take it a step further: Have you ever thought about what it might be like to be of the opposite gender for a day? I have. I think it'd be awesome to be a man! I'd scratch my nuts, fart and play with my penis non-stop. Seriously- if I had a penis, it would be my best friend (yeah, I get it- my best friend is a dick). I'd ignore the mindless chattering of women and chalk it up to 'being engrossed in the game'. I would host contests that involved chicken wings and beer. I think I'd opt NOT to comb my hair or shower for a day or two, just so i could smell my manly odor wafting on the breeze as I proudly allowed my fat to ooze through the weave on my hammock. No legs to be shaved, no tampons to insert. No angst over missed phone calls and 'I wonder if he's thinking about me?' Fuck eyeshadow- I might not remove my Blu Blockers all damn day. And somewhere there's a tshirt that hasn't fit me since high school and it's calling my name. I think it says something about Frankie wanting to RELAX...this and a puca shell necklace (Spring Break 1992, Baby!) shall be my uniform. And after donning it and belching twice, I shall log on, find the woman least likely to find me attractive based on a profile I won't bother to read. I'll send her a message and behave with righteous indignation when she rejects me via auto-reply. I know she said she didn't wish to be contacted, but she was talking to everyone else, not me. I'd tell every person in the world how nice my dick smells (yeah- I know two men who do this). I think I might even use a saw of some sort- because that's what men do. But not while I played with my penis. That's a lesson you only have to learn once.  .Postscript: BrownEyedBBW has offered a question for the dudes...see her comment below for details. When it comes to sex, I need a STRONG connection. Otherwise, the page just keeps buffering and takes FOREVER to load... |
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GOOD
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My post, Engineering Design Summary M amp F Variants, started life as a comment to this post but some how I took a sharp left at Albuquerque and I don't think this is Pismo Beach, Toto.  
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5/22/2012 5:44 pm |
Your email is too long. If we won't spend the time to read profiles we certainly aren't going to read that screed. I'd read the first line and the last. "I know you want me." "Batter up." That makes it seem like you want me.
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 I am utterly amazed at how many men think that we get out of speeding tickets by either crying or flirting. I mean that shit went out in the 60's...don't they know we have to give head now and it better be good? Some tickets just aren't worth it.I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn
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aww. is it really so bad to be men or women for that matter. i do enjoy the reference to the high school t-shirt. i for one have long outgrown my desire to remain in high school, my best years are right now. i have never told anyone let a lone confided to myself how my dick smells. i do agree though with the saw notion, best to keep your penis well away from saws. but you can readjust yourself between cuts. dont forget swearing just for the sake of swearing too.
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I can't name just ONE thing I don't get about women. You're all a bunch of twisted up weirdness and I have no hope of understanding you. None of us men do, and if we think we do, we're arrogantly foolish. Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
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"Women reach ther sexual peak after the age of 35. Men take about four minutes." - Jimmy Carr If I were a woman for a day; 1. If I forget to shave, no one has to know. 2. If I act dumb, some people will think it's cute. 3. I can find out about everyting I need to know about a person by glancingat their shoes. 4. I can get out of speeding fines by crying. 5. I can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 6. I wouldn't have to reach down every so often to make sure my privates are still there. 7. I'll never discover I've been duped by Wonderbra. 8. I'll not lust forlornly after a cartoon character or the central figure of a computer game. 
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5/22/2012 8:06 am |
I came here as part of a sociology study of perverts, but I'm staying because I'm flattered by gay guys asking me if I want my dick sucked. Nah...initially came here to check out live cams, evolved to random acts of sex with random actresses, and recently discovered that joking around on my blog and getting to know some very cool people was far more fulfilling.
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5/22/2012 1:06 am |
If I was a woman: - I'd bitch incessantly about the toilet paper being "put on the roll the wrong way." - I'd buy a vibrator and name it "fuck you, Mister!" - I'd bump my hair WAY up on the list of things I worry about daily. - I'd feign ignorance about how to light a gas grill. - I'd develop an absolutely unfounded fear of spiders. - I'd complain about smells a lot more often - I'd be cold in 75 degree weather, and carry a blanket into the movie theater in July - I'd actually pay attention when someone was talking to me - I'd get out of speeding tickets ....and.... - I'd deliberately watch shit that would make me cry during my period
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I was going to write you a personal message explaining how I only tease the ones I love and all that, but I'm apparently blocked from writing to you. I knew you were evil, feisty, and full of nougat!
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I've dealt with The United States Navy for an entire, 20 year career. I think I could laugh off shitty massages for longer than a month. They would at least be inspiring cartoon material.
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I've been the "chick" many times. I'm not gay but I like to be ass fucked. [post 2923169] [post 2923199] #ALDOTALENTLESSPARROT
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I still don't feel bad for you ladies about receiving stupid messages because the sad thing is, I would be happy to have to wade through a few messages of this type. It would beat the hell out of the approximately zero messages I receive on a daily basis and I would at least get a laugh or two.
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Remind me to never get on your bad side.  Here's a question for the men, I know that none of them came here to blog, none of us did we just sort of backed into it. So what did you come for here initially? Was it a whim or was it something you thought about?
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