Virtual Symposium on First Dates: One Date, Two Couples – How Do Swingers Manage A Ménage? - a Blog Post by humorlife

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11/28/2015 11:24 pm

Virtual Symposium on First Dates: One Date, Two Couples – How Do Swingers Manage A Ménage?

This blog entry is part of the fourteenth virtual symposium, an informal collection of bloggers who – purely for the hell of it – voted for a single topic (“First Dates”) and agreed, on or about November 29, to post their interpretations of that topic. A continually updated list of participants can be found here: Participants List For The Fourteenth Virtual Symposium First Dates

How’s this for a bit of synchronicity – or, if you prefer, nepotism: One of the smarter articles on first dates among swinger couples focused on four people who met through this site. (Side note: Single people absolutely do swing, but the internal conversations they should have are somewhat different. That’s another post, though.)

Cynics might point out that “First Swinger Date,” which appears on swingingforfun, discusses meeting people on this site without mentioning technological difficulties. Well… Ukexpatcouple – the A F F handle for the piece’s author – may be being kind. The writing has a gentleness to it which precludes site bashing.

As Ukexpatcouple notes, each couple should have already had internal conversations about comfort levels, nonverbal cues, and a host of other pre-first-date concerns. These are probably discussed elsewhere on swingingforfun dot com, which is an extension of the couple’s on-site musings.

How did Ukexpatcouple manage expectations?

“We made sure they knew that this was just going to me a dinner/drinks date and if everyone got on we would arrange a play date for another evening, certainly, as it was our first swinger date we wanted to be able to be as relaxed as possible so we wanted no mixed messages..”

As Ukexpatcouple notes, excessive pushiness should raise a red flag: Yes, there are couples who want to meet in a hotel room for the first time. No, swingers shouldn’t. A chat over drinks or coffee is fine: A meal can be an option, but keeping it as a potential activity as opposed to a scheduled one offers a means for escape if there’s no chemistry.

What to wear for that first date? To quote Ukexpatcouple:

“…[T]he question ‘what do swingers wear on dinner dates ?’ went round in my mind for the few days running up to it. (Turns out whatever you would normally wear for a nice evening out would be good).
I constantly changed my mind and eventually settled on a nice dress with a pair of heels, hubby wore a nice shirt and pants. Why do men get away with not worrying about what to wear, as long as they are wearing a nice shirt and pants they are fine……”

The male of the couple they were meeting showed up in shorts and sandals, which was fine, too.

The only counsel I’d add is: Leave the slutwear at home for the first date. You probably don’t know how open the other couple is, and showing up in a bustier and six-inch spikes may draw more attention to your meeting than the other couple is comfortable with.

Ukexpatcouple bring up some interesting, subtle points – who sits where when meeting at a booth, for instance? How flirty should couples be? The piece doesn’t go into a lot of answers, or even detail about how this was resolved during the date described. One school of thought: You are there to learn about each other. Partners shouldn’t face each other: Doing so cuts down on the ability to read the other couple. Side by side is fine.

As for physical interplay: In public, limit it to an evening kiss, especially if at a vanilla bar or restaurant. If it moves indoors for fun, however – if first-date play is acceptable all around – what constitutes polite behavior might change. Couples may mix up who sits where. As for getting sex started… it’s probably best if the women initiate. On a separate post on swingersboard, a male respondent to a thread titled “What a newbie couple should expect on a first date with an experienced swinger couple” writes:

“I apologized for us being so nervous, and explained that we were feeling very awkward. She said that it was no problem, that she would just let her husband know that it was a no-go for tonight, and it was perfectly OK. I blurted out, ‘No, no, we REALLY want to play with you two tonight, we just don't know how to make transition from small talk into playing!’ She smiled, paused a moment, and said, ‘Don't worry... I'll take care of that.’

“We both returned to the living room, and the other woman allowed the ongoing conversation to continue for a minute. Then, without preamble, she asked, ‘Would you all like to come upstairs to the bedroom?’ The Mrs. and I managed to croak out our ‘yes!’ answers, both actually relieved to be finally getting to it! The other couple led us upstairs, where she was good enough to lead the way on kissing, undressing, and getting on the bed as well! We ended up having our first full swap that night, and it was a great time!”

Much as with singles, the fine art of profile writing can make a first date go easer. Ukexpatcouple mentions that one person in each couple shared a hobby, which was the basis for a lot of conversation.

The post dances around an interesting point, which should be blown out further: At times, one member of a couple may be more gregarious, and the other shyer. This should not be taken as a lack of interest by the quieter partner! Even if there are very few responses to go with, the quieter couple may respond positively to flirtatious, or even downright sexual, conversation.

Ah, sexual conversation, and when to bring it up. Look, assumedly, everyone is there because they all want sex with other people. Don’t push it. Swinging will usually come up naturally. Bring up the topic with humor, or with an experience, or even a very soft compliment. Pushing for a guarantee of play is a turnoff. And don’t start pawing members of the other couple: The thought that should be in people’s heads is “These people are here to swing: They’re not necessarily here to swing with us.”

At the Red-dit site(no hyphen), a thread titled “Gearing up for first date with another couple” offers blunter how-to style advice, as opposed to Ukexpatcouple’s gentle prose. Keep the drinking to a minimum: Enough to be loose but not sloppy. If you have a sense of what your limit under normal circumstances is, on this night it should be one or two drinks before that, as you’re trying to read the dynamics of three other people.

My own take: I suspect there is a greater likelihood on sex resulting from a first date between swingers – whether on that actual date or in the future – than on dates between vanilla folks. But the rules of decorum still apply, and assholes still aren’t going to get laid – and they’ll still be petulant about it.

Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic

gardenboy321 60M

41936 posts
11/28/2015 11:29 pm

Very informative. I've always wondered about what couples go through when meeting another couple.

Thoughts from the Garden...

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