Through The Blogging Glass - The Eleventh Virtual Symposium - a Blog Post by keithcancook

7834 posts
8/21/2015 8:49 pm

Through The Blogging Glass - The Eleventh Virtual Symposium

At last! At long last keithcancook had finally managed to get himself a date!

I was so excited I could hardly sit still. But, I wasn't supposed to meet her for hours and hours so what the hell, I decided to pass the time in the blogs with all of y'all.

So, Ho! Ho! Ho! To BlogLand I go. I read post after post, visiting blog after blog, and before long the dang screen started swimming and seemed all blurry. Dang! I musta been after it for quite awhile as I began to feel my eyelids fluttering and my brain seemed kinda mushy and slow. Drowsiness began to set in...

Oh dear! I couldn't be late! Not for such a very important date! Oh my! Up I jumped with a start, reaching for my pocket watch tucked tightly in my waistcoat pocket.

Wait! I don't have a waistcoat pocket. I don't even have a pocket watch. WTF?

Yet there I stood pocket watch in hand. I looked around and found myself gazing out of my monitor and into the room beyond. How strange! Turning around, I looked about me. I stood in my room. Yet not my room. It was all different somehow. Like it was backwards, inside out and upside down all at once.

I felt a compelling need to get out of there, the air was getting denser and the walls began shimmering. I staggered forward, struggled through the nearest door, and tumbled outside into the streets of .... BlogLand? WTF?

It was BlogLand alright, but different somehow. Like it was backwards, inside out and upside down all at once.

There was Popular Street. With all it's fine houses where all the top bloggers reside. The post boxes in front of each house all held the familiar names. I walked to the intersection, where Watched Blog Way crosses over, and there were the homes of all my friends.

It seemed like I was where I ought to be, yet I had an uncomfortable feeling that something just wasn't right. Actually, it all felt wrong. Beginning to get worried I hurried over to the blog of humorlife. He's been organizing some things around here lately, and I figured if anyone could help me, he could.

I threw open the front door and jumped into his blog as quickly as I could. Whew! I stood panting in his latest post and then slowly looked about me. Oh my! Something was wrong in there. Very wrong. It was Confessions of a Lifestyle Man alright, but the posts were strange. The swingers in there were still varied, coming in with assorted styles, and with diverse intents and purposes.

Yet these swingers were really quite contrary to ordinary. They mostly came in sets, yet some singles were allowed. Some had hard, firm seats, while others wore rubber at the end of their chains. Many had slides, several came with attached playhouses, and even one with a full blown castle incorporating swings, slides, and monkey bars!

Horrified, I began to back outta his blog carefully. (Okay, so I really screamed out loud and ran helter skelter, falling down several times in my haste to get the fuck outta there). I had outgrown this type of swinging long ago.

Once again, I tumbled into the streets of BlogLand, (yet not BlogLand), and I began lurching blindly down the boulevard. As if in a dream I saw the blogs go by one by one.

I saw bustybettyboop out sweeping the front porch of her blog. Well, I think it was bustybetty, but I couldn't be sure. Those beautiful baby blues were hidden behind dark glasses. I said "Hey! bustybetty! How are the plans for the Busty Awards coming along?" But she told me that I was in the wrong blog if I was looking for ceremonies. She was like the Award Nazi from Seinfeld. "No Trophy For You!"

She also claimed that she was an unknown blogger, a nobody. WTF??? "bustybettyboop is one of the most famous bloggers in all BlogLand" I cried, leaving her.

marysia4u's blog had no funny pics or memes. I did see some grim ones, though. Before I left her blog I was quite gratified to find that she was still using her "Y" periodic table bling. (I suppose some things are just too sacred to be backwards).

Down the road, [blog LadyLeo1949] has been posting obituaries rather than comics. Many from the Dead Blog Society were listed, but I didn't stay long enough to see if keithcancook was among the deceased. Yikes!

My! This BlogLand is so strange. I was realizing that I wasn't in Kansas anymore. "Is there anything that hasn't changed in here," I thought to myself.

I was again nearing Popular Street, and I went looking for the blog on the top of the hill. The big one. Numero Uno. I went looking for sexysandy.

But she wasn't there. In her place, in the most magnificent mansion in all BlogLand, there at the pinnacle, I found a new resident. To my astonishment it was now the palace of sweettexgal!

Wow! What a turnaround for her. Her place was a little shack on an empty lot just yesterday. You know the one. It only has that single post from last March. Well, not anymore. Awesome posts were literally spilling out of the place.

Holy Moley! sweet t was leading the blogs! She has the most watchers, visitors, unique comments... you name it, this gal's got it!

Curiouser and curiouser! This BlogLand Through The Blogging Glass was beginning to make a semblance of sense. I slowed down and began to look more closely at the blogs around me.

spunkycumfun was covered in hair. No shit, this dude puts the hir in hirsute. He sorta looks like a male Rapunzel, since he never clips a curl in this upside down world. Funny thing was, he had this bare spot where a beard should be. (I'm gonna check with the US Coast Guard on that one). Also, I heard that he's no longer the editor of the Sexy Times. It seems he now works in the mail department.

At the next intersection I jumped into Megan6627's blog. I needed to feed my Haiku fix before some strange new event could stop me. I found her Haiku's a bit off, however. They seemed to follow a new pattern. 7 syllables, 5 syllables, 7 syllables. That's how she does em now. And ya know what? I liked it!

I decided to seek my friend nightsoul1962. I wanted some explanations, and she gets around BlogLand like few others, seeing all, and commenting everywhere (My! She's a bloggers dream). I was about to open the door to her blog, when I remembered where I was. So I opened it just a crack, and peeked in.

Yep. As I suspected, I discovered that she rarely visits and never comments. DOH!

Across the street [blog CarbonRoadBike] was straight as an arrow, refused to look at dick pics, and was most kind and deferential to females.

I walked on a bit, thoughtfully. Still not hide nor hair of sexysandy could be seen.

I headed over to TimmyDsquid's blog to grab some lunch. I was hoping to dine seaside, but he wouldn't go near the water. He did offer to barbecue some chicken on his daughters new grill. Delicious! I toasted him for his hospitality, and fully sated journeyed back out into the streets of BlogLand (yet not BlogLand).

My brain began to clear a bit after such a fine repast, and I thought I should try and find my friend Furbal. I've known him since he was a blog-baby and have watched his development. Furbal greeted me at the door, and I politely inquired about the various vines, tendrils, and wildflowers that I had passed on the way in. Unfortunately, he had nothing to say about them.

I offered to help him learn, and I gave him a camera to photograph stuff he found during the day. He looked at me sorta quizzically, turned the camera over and around a few times, and then thanked me for the new paperweight! Oy.

Giving in to the new normal, I smiled, and said "you're welcome." We then sat down to watch some video of his new favorite comedian, Roseanne Roseannadanna. We had a great time, but it was getting late and I needed to blog on.

I wandered down the boulevard a bit until I came to [blog cinnamon0133] blog. I can tell you all that there is no spicy language in the Spice Rack. Not one fuck, shit, or shitfuck to be found. The Spice Rack is empty, y'all.

On a more positive note, I was pleased to discover that she has the perfect . Yep. This young-un adores the very ground ol cin walks on.

I moved on, crunching over the Maple leaves. Maple? I must be nearing my Canadian friend, [blog author51] blog. To my shock and horror I found her calling herself Sorrow. I you not, even her signature was altered. Under every comment she makes can be read "One can never have enough SORROW in their life".

I thought, well at least I can have some good blog banter with her. It will just have to be of a sorrowful nature. But no. No banter. Only blather. I wanted the thoughtful discussion from before. I want my JOY back! Help! Help!

I ran out fast, forgetting to even take a proper leave as I crunched cruncHED CRUNCHED through all those Maple leaves. My! There sure did seem to be a lot more leaves leaving than arriving. And this, just as I was reviving.

Well, now it was all about surviving as the leaves thickened like the plots in one of keithcancook's old posts. Pushing through it all as if in a fog I slipped, tripped, and stumbled into a blog.

Hit me smack in the nose, it did. Way out here where few could find it. A small place, but tidy. And there she was. I had found sexysandy! I could see her face, and folks she's beautiful! But as for the rest of her, well it was hard to tell through the billowy black robe she was wearing. Formless, shapeless. That is all I could tell. Unfortunate. She used to show it off so well.

When I asked for a pic she shooed me away.

It really wasn't too far to get to the more populated areas of BlogLand again. It wasn't dark yet, so I felt no fear. And yes, a few blogs were just now beginning to appear.

I saw joisygirl. I called out to her "Hey! Joisygirl! Where's yer accent, eh? She's plain old JerseyGirl now. So, so... so ordinary. Where's the character that was? The zip to the lip, the zest in the jest?

Across the way, all the posts in kzoopair's blog can be seen on a single page. I shit you not! One. Single. Page. I mean really? Usually I gotta use the page-down button 14x just to read through one post!

I decided to get GOING LOCAL, and went to visit apollorising2021. His blog MOVES! But when I got there nothing was in motion. Not even still pics were visible. Justa buncha words on a page. Oh so very plain. I am really missing the old BlogLand. And its e-motion.

I thought perhaps BiggLala could tell me what was up. She is a most excellent wordsmith. A writer worthy of the word. But when I got to her street, on the Outer Limits of BlogLand... I, I couldn't make sense of the street sign. It was some gibberish. I peeked inside her blog, but backed out quickly. There wasn't a single complete sentence to be found in the post appearing before my weeping eyes. I have been praying she doesn't email me. Thank you, jeezus.

Next, I went searching for my Irish friend, sexysixties2. I was in luck, for Ireland is experiencing the most pleasant sort of weather in years. I caught a glimpse of her through the window, and knocked on her blog. I was hoping to hear a good personal story, but oddly enough she was just too close with her business to let any blogger into that private sanctum. She did offer tea, which we took together, and I left her - with me still wondering what sort of life she must have had. I so wished to hear her personal stories, so well written that you can't look away. Sigh.

Leaving, I turned the corner where the BIG RED LIPS sign used to be. Used to be? I stopped, surprised. This was supposed to be myelin36's corner. Her blog was there alright, but the BIG RED LIPS that hung over the entrance were gone. In their place, I found myself looking into the orifice at the OTHER END OF THE BODY! EEeewww! I didn't want to whisper Dirty Little Secrets into that part of the blog. At least not before showering together anyhow. I was also surprised to discover that she has this weird notion that all her sex partners must from now on live next door! Very strange indeed.

I then began to get this odd, urgent feeling. I picked up my pace, and the blogs rushed by. There was Gntillhom blogging in German. And humorlife was answering in Greek.

I passed NaughtyInSO, she quotes dead Latin poets yanno, and she was outside cleaning all her keyboard condoms. She goes through tons of em from laughing so hard. I called out to her "Hey! Naughty! Who's the latest blogger to make you spill on yer keyboard?" She answered me not, instead giving me a hard grim stare. Apparently she no longer laughs at posts. In fact, they now upset her so much that she has been pounding on her keyboard, rather than pouring on it.

As I sped along I noticed [blog Fel7114] happily drunk-texting her little heart away. Not having much time left, I called out to her "Nice shoes!" and rounded the next bend.

[blog rascalQUALITY] is likely the greatest lover in all BlogLand, but as I neared his blog he said he had given up females forever.

They're gonna take this hard. This is terrible news for all the Babes in BlogLand, I thought sadly.

I'm thinking to myself, "Jeeze, this BlogLand through the blogging glass is getting kinda freaky. I'll bet keithcancook can explain all this." I quickened my pace as I turned a familiar corner and gazed once again upon Venting Blog Lane.

I just had to see the old blog before I woke up, er I mean before I... Oh nevermind.

Anyway, I went to the door which I found locked tight. WTF? This place is always open! I was just about to knock again when finally a tiny window thingie slid open.

"WTF DO YOU WANT?" a voice boomed at me.

"I am here to see keithcancook, if you please," I replied.

"He cannot be disturbed," the voice said. "He's getting laid."

"Laid? Are you sure?"

"Of course he's getting laid, you fool! He is the most laid man in all BlogLand."

"He is? You're kidding right? I figured he'd be posting like crazy or something, but not this!"

"Oh, he's posting like crazy alright. Several times daily. But not a word of it's original. He just cuts and pastes his e-mails. You don't want to talk to him either. He's a rude SOB, with nothing nice to say to anybody. To tell you the truth, most of BlogLand hates his very guts."

Noooo! I wailed, as all my world seemed to turn to darkness. Stunned, I staggered back and then began to fall. Long I fell, and my thoughts fell with me. Hated? Rude? ... Moi? No! It cannot be!

Then again, I thought as I gathered speed. Getting laid all the time sure would be a welcome change...

Yes! I like it! I wanna get laid all the time! I do, I do, I do! Stop the free-fall! I wanna go up! I wanna go back through the blogging glass. Hate me! Hate me all of you! Just lemme get back to Venting Blog Lane. Oh please! Oh please Oh pleeeeeeeze!

I managed to turn myself around and began struggling to slow my fall by making exaggerated swimming motions. The sweat was pouring off of me as I bent all my will towards getting back to the top of the hole.

Yes, the hole. I must return to the top of the hole... I must return, I muss...

Suddenly I heard a voice... "Daddy! Hey daddy! Wake up! Pop? ... Hey, are you alright? ... Dad?"

Huh? WTF? Somewhat dazed, I opened my eyes and found my next to me with concern in her eyes.

"Daddy!" she cried. "You had me worried there. I found you doing the breaststroke in your chair, and I couldn't wake you up for the longest time! Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

Your date called and cancelled on you again. Sorry pops. Maybe the next one will come through."

The End.

Authors note: Lewis Carroll did not give me permission to borrow this theme. He knows just as well as I that I took Through The Looking Glass and What Alice Found There, I took it, and I twisted it.

nightsoul1962 61F

17828 posts
8/21/2015 9:20 pm

Wow!! What a masterpiece!!!!!!!!

Thank you for including me in it........the door is always open for you!!!!!

WITHOUT PASSION LIFE IS NOTHING

NaughtyInSO 113F

9755 posts
8/21/2015 10:26 pm

Such fun, witty and funny journey! Very, very enjoyable. Thank you.

I'm afraid, this keyboard condom didn't make it and had to be thrown away....

You got me thinking, should I use pop-culture quotes instead of plain culture ones.. hmm....

......... Naaah.....

Visit my blog It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World of NaughtyInSO, leave a comment, become a watcher.
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