Been dancing with the bottle again
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Posted:Oct 17, 2014 12:55 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2014 11:22 pm
30790 Views
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Sometimes that lure is just a bit too strong, and you feel the urge to pick up and take a sip. Next thing you know, the bottle is empty and you are wondering where it all went.
Sadly tonight, I don't even feel remotely intoxicated. Well, not right now anyway. time and lots of water tend to help cure that ill. with me anyway.
So what drives you to consider drinking? would it be a physical ache that just won't go away? a soul crushing depression that haunts your waking hours, or anger that makes you want to do despicable things?
I have had a brush with all these things at one point and time or another, and every time I let the bottle knock me down, I find I get up again, and put the bottle away again for a while. Yes, I put the bottle away. I know there will be other days I will probably crawl back inside it and take solace from the little bit of self indulgence I get in abusing it This I find I do when other options are not there to be used. but those are other things which lead to other stories, which I am sure if I think about them will lead me back to the bottle at some point.
Yes, now that you think about it, it has been one of those contemplative sort of nights where I question a lot of things, consider others and am thankful I have the will power to resist the things I know I ought not to do. You may indulgently read into that and have fun with it. Even if I can't laugh at it, I hope some one can. then at least it is not entirely wasted on self pity, or self loathing, which are two members of the party I did not invite, but who always patiently wait at the door. I hear them calling, but being the rude host I am, I do not let them in. They are bad guests. Not to mention what they do to the furniture.
And as always, looking at the bright side of this, I know I will suffer for indulging myself tonight. But when I wake up hurting and groping for aspirin (which I hope I remember to leave out for myself), I will be thankful for the hurting. it means I lived to see another day, and hope I will do something to make the next day better.
You may now Poke fun at me, as I am going to sleep this off.
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It's been weeks!
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Posted:Oct 15, 2014 12:19 am
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2014 12:09 am
29926 Views
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And I have been having trouble focusing enough to write.
It is not for lack of subject matter, but for lack of ability to put into words said subjects.
So in a random sort of order. .. what has been troubling my mind.
First, Sex. Of course, I am a guy. I think about it daily, usually from moment to moment with absurdly brief moments of terror to distract me from it. Ok, those are probably panic attacks, or heart attacks, but either way, something is keeping me from it.
Then, Life being a lot like an airplane ride from the pilots seat. To quote some one famous, flying is a lot of hours of boredom, with moments of sheer terror to break it up. I like horrifying things, so this is not entirely bad for me.
Distractions. Of these I have many and few if any relate to the first two. The devil is in the details or so I am told, so I won't go into detail lest I be labeled as Evil. Well, no more so than usual anyway 
Last would be company. I cannot claim a lot of this, but when I do, be assured there is usually innuendo, crude remarks, and sarcasm involved. And not all of it my me either. what can I say? I enjoy others who have a mind and can use it.
So today the company, and of course sex. I always come back to that. but if you have been without for long enough, well, it haunts you more often than when you are not starved of it. a lot like oxygen in that regard. you don't really pay attention to it the same way until it isn't there.
Company. While out and about, I noted some interesting people. Some register on the radar as being sexual, others as sexy, and some as . . .. Simply human. That last does not omit them from the first two, but it does tell how they tend to be seen in my eyes.
So of the human today, a lady of indeterminate years, some what bigger than I would consider chasing, but still with a smile and dancing eyes had time to talk with me. Come to think of it a few did, but some are paid to do so, therefore, I cannot count them in this light. They do not interact with me by choice, but by duty. A full description need not be noted here, as I do not register the rest of her, just the eyes. while I could tell her hair color, the eyes I cannot recall the color, only the emotion dancing in them.
Then there was the sexy. Of body and mind, but not Sexual. professional if you will. allowing the mind to play, but not leading to temptation. More could be said of here, but to what end? To describe sexy to me, is not so much the body, as the mind that guides it.
And last the sexual. This one I have trouble with, as the lady who struck me this was was not pretty to me, but something in how she moved and her eyes when she looked at me spoke volumes that words did not. This is not the first time I have had this happen, and doubt it will be the last. but this was almost purely body language, rather than fencing of words, or a flirtatious bat of the eye, or lilt of the voice.
In the last three paragraphs, do you know others who evoke these specific thoughts/feeling in you? I don't ask an answer, but do appreciate input if you are willing to share.
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Sometimes
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Posted:Oct 2, 2014 11:25 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2014 12:09 am
30536 Views
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Sometimes I feel like being rotten.
Mean, cruel, or otherwise uncouth. just a complete piece of work as my family might say.
Then I think of the people I have dealt with who have been so to me, and I snap out of it. You might say that moment of naughtiness has passed, at least for the moment.
Then there are times I do things without thought. I just do things, like helping someone, or stopping to offer a hand when I am least expected, and get a word of thanks. most times folks don't remember to say so, but on occasion they do.
Then there is the between time. That being the time I am here or there, doing what fills the moments between, wondering like everyone else why the heck I am still here. Then I hear that little whispering voice telling me it must be because I am not done here yet. there is still one more thing before I am done.
That one thing they all have in common? time. it is all about the time.
And that is something I give more thought to than most everything else.
As I consider it, I often wonder if I am using it right, or wasting it.
The joke here, is that eventually time will tell
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Just the other day. . .
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Posted:Sep 25, 2014 12:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2014 10:00 pm
29220 Views
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I was in town for some business.
Whilst out and about, I ran into a friend.
A lady friend I might add.
Most folks who know me on a person to person basis know I am friendly and a flirt. it drives some friends to distraction, but I never take it further than flirting.
While talking with my lady friend, I got a number of hints there was interest. At least I took them as hints.
The one that pops to mind most obviously was when she rubbed against me, in a manner that let me feel more than just a touch on the arm. That is to say I could tell she was wearing a bra.
Second, we had a hug when I first saw her. Now being a guy I don't always catch the hug hint, but on occasion I do. Fellas bare with me here, but ladies, correct me if I am wrong, the shoulder hug is a friendly but not overt signal. a squeezing hug is I have missed you and am glad to see you. pressing against some one and holding them not tight nor loose is a different signal altogether.
I had no complaint with that either, but again, didn't try to press the issue. It's just not my style.
Next was the hint about spending time over coffee. While I didn't take her up on it, I did keep the invite open. What can I say? I like conversation and coffee
Last, but not least, hints dropped in conversation. This is something not everyone knows about me, but my hearing is not tip top anymore. I catch about 7 words out of 8 on a good day. I have been learning to read lips just in case I am not close enough to hear everything said. So a few things said under her breath with the last hints. that being she was not getting anything at home.
Thus I come to the hardest part of the story. and to say it was not me is fair, but only just.
I try to be respectful of other relationships. in fact I try to be helpful and iron out troubles if I know how. being who I am, I figure if I get it right and help half the time I am doing what I need to be doing. the other half, well, lets just say I apologize a lot
So to answer the unasked question, no, I didn't encourage her, nor did I take her up on the offer, even if it was subtle. We have been friends for years, and not one I would feel comfy with being intimate with. but those are perhaps personal issues, and those as I like to say, are another story.
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Due to an unfortunate series of events
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Posted:Aug 29, 2014 11:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2014 9:59 pm
31703 Views
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I may be gone for a while.
In fact I might not be able to access this account again.
If such is the case, I will make known my new name/account in this post.
It all depends on if my account info can be updated or email transferred to another email account.
In the event I am not back, I wish you all a great time.
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Time after time
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Posted:Aug 26, 2014 10:08 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 9:19 pm
31258 Views
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I keep finding myself back here writing more blog posts.
Sometimes they have good or bad feeling pushing them through my finger tips onto the screen, but most days it is just a need to expel something from my head.
It gets pretty darned full of stuff sometimes.
Sometimes good, like seeing a nice looking lady, or making eye contact, and maybe even getting a compliment in return for one given.
Most times it feels like it is bad stuff that drives me here. I do call this place a monster for a reason after all. it is a place I come to get rid of the bad, so like a Frankenstein monster it is made up of several things, with hopefully enough good in it to make it worthy of continued existence in the world.
Today was a bad day.
Rather than focusing on it and the bad it held I went and read a couple of other blogs instead.
They can change your focus if you let them. Let them sometimes remind you even if there is a pile of something smelly you are standing in, there are clouds over head with stars beyond them. Step out of that pile and find someplace better to stand. it is worth it.
If some one keeps dumping it at your feet, it might be a good idea to show them the pile, or if they don't care, to return it in better condition than you got it in.
Either way, don't just stand there. Do something, and make it worth while.
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Feeling the music again
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Posted:Aug 20, 2014 11:04 pm
Last Updated:Aug 22, 2014 7:52 pm
31101 Views
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I think at least in this I am normal.
I like to listen to music.
Tonight I listened to some rockabilly, some punk, and some ska.
The bands are not important so much as the feeling they tend to inspire.
The rockabilly tends to make me remember a bit too much of when I was younger. Ready and willing to fight, drink and chase gals. Not always wise, but otherwise just like everyone else I used to hang out with, it was normal.
The Punk reminded me, I still don't fit in. I see it, and try as I might, I am always gonna be a square peg. the world is a round hole. no matter how much it might try to grind me down I am not gonna fit properly.
The Ska. . . Now that makes me feel like dancing. Yeah, I know it doesn't fit with how I live. I know I am the only one who ever sees me dance, but who cares? it makes me smile, and happy.
Add them all together and I get a trip down memory lane. Hopefully feeling better for having lived long enough to have the chance to revisit it from time to time.
So what music inspires you to feel?
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Always something
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Posted:Aug 15, 2014 10:49 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2014 11:17 pm
31700 Views
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Life is like that, isn't it? there is always something.
Bad news has not been coming in threes this year. Seems to have been competing with the rain. Both are trying for a record it seems.
The details are not important, but the affect is.
Like some one fighting, you get hit enough and it will wear you down.
I am not on the ropes, or even close to it. just feeling a bit of the beating life has been dealing. Again, that is life though isn't it?
On the plus side of it there is some good news with the bad. This too is normal. Life, as I often hear said, goes on.
So what do you do when things have been piling up in life and you just don't feel like you can keep up with them?
Drinking helps short term, but it leaves you with a heck of a bill in the morning. Smoking I have to admit, I miss. Fighting after drinking? Not young enough to do that and walk away from it anymore. Likely as not some one would have to carry my sorry hide away. It is very tempting though I have to admit. Problem is you don't usually feel like drinking with the one you got into a fight with after it is over. That's a problem with me. I like to keep everyone friendly. Probably why I don't fight much anymore either.
So what does that leave me? coming here to write for a few minutes and try to clear out the cobwebs. That being the stuff life keeping dropping in my lap.
I almost am tempted to smile sometimes. But that is after the writing. knowing how much detail is lacking in what I am telling, I feel rather ashamed of myself. but then again, if you don't know me, where is the harm?
Rest assured, if you did know me, and I told the tales, it would have to be over a drink. Some days are like that.
Usually a beer.
Today would have been whiskey or something stronger though.
With all that and a grumble from the clouds overhead, I suppose it is time to wander off to bed.
Thanks for reading. hope tomorrow is a better day.
And just so you know, I kept seeing Sam Elliot giving me that look, and kept hearing his voice as I was writing. It really is time for sleep.
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And the clock strikes 12
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Posted:Aug 8, 2014 11:09 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2014 1:09 am
32593 Views
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Take a deep breath and smell the air of summer.
Look out your window and see the night sky.
Feel the warmth of the air about you.
Sometimes you just have to stop and realize, the world goes on, even if you have stopped for a moment.
And it having just been 12 at night, the witching hour has begun.
If I were able, there would be maniacal laughter here.
As is, you will just have to believe me what I say I am smiling.
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Let it cool a bit
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Posted:Aug 6, 2014 10:54 pm
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2014 10:56 pm
32497 Views
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I came here last night and as usual was frustrated.
Angry in fact, and borderline depressed.
It was simply a long day piling up and adding insult to injury, and it finally caught up to me.
I stopped by and thought about blogging last night.
To be honest it is probably a good thing I didn't.
In light of recent changes I have been making one of them is to be a little more calm and reserved. Take time to think things through and let time take its course before hopping to and giving something a good whoopin. Even if I know at the moment it is entirely deserved.
I am in the process of becoming some one and something different.
I know everyone else out there is too in some sense or another, so this should come as no shock.
The big difference I hope, is that I am guiding the changes. As always I am hopeful they are for the better.
The biggest question facing me now in this, is when it is all said and done and the dust has settled, if I am going to be flying, or running.
Either way, I am gonna be moving and at speed.
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Change from the obvious
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Posted:Aug 2, 2014 10:02 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 9:19 pm
33057 Views
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I listened to the doors for a while tonight.
There was thunder and lightning.
I also went and listened to don't fear the reaper (BOC), what can I say, if it is not my time, I won't die. if I do, I am gone, should I worry?
Next track was Godzilla.
I am a long time fan of monster movies. something of a geek, rather than a dork if you will.
I sing along with the song and know in my heart of hearts I cheer for the monster in movies like this. I know he won't win, but I cheer for him anyway.
He is lonesome and reviled by polite society. He comes to town for a night out and people start shooting at him. I feel for him. really I do.
Then a drinking buddy shows up, they start having fun and wrestle a bit, and next thing you know the place is trashed and the owners are calling the cops. Ok, slight diminutive there, the military is being called in but I think you get the gist.
Makes me realize some folks out there have a worse go of it if they try to make it a night on the town. Especially if it is Tokyo and it gets flattened.
Doesn't worry me though. I know they will send him packing eventually and in a few years he will be back. Drinking will ensue, and then the town will get stomped again.
Sigh.
I love monster movies.
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Stormy weather
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Posted:Aug 1, 2014 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2014 10:44 pm
32155 Views
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It is raining again.
Rain pouring down and a short while ago thunder and lighting.
It was making me think of times past, and better days.
It made me realize how fast time is slipping by, and what I am doing as it does.
I am planning for the future in case you were wondering.
I know I will not always be here.
I know I will not always feel things are beyond my control.
I know, I am doing something even if it seem insubstantial.
I am changing things, like the weather.
I am washing things and making them better for tomorrow.
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Had one of those moments again today
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Posted:Jul 30, 2014 9:25 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 9:19 pm
30314 Views
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Not exactly bad, but probably not good either.
I felt a connection with some one.
Like words were being pulled from my head and being spoken by them.
Words of question, worry, wonder, and amusement.
As it is not too often, It was a nice surprise for me to meet another mind and person who was on the same wavelength as me.
I am not hopeful of much, but I would like to see this flourish into a friendship. Even if it is only for a little while.
Some days you just have to aim low, and hope you hit what you aim for.
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