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| Blogs > PurplePeach72 > No Ordinary Girl! |
Another Shoe Drops
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Another Shoe Drops I’m often accused of looking for the proverbial “other foot to fall”. I say accused because the people around me at the time that I am wary of the apparent ease with which anything in my life is going never feel that sense of impending doom, that bone deep knowledge that there is about to be hell to pay. Today the other boot squashed me. You see I have had this feeling since I graduated that someway, somehow reality was just waiting to find a way to bite me in the ass. I have a master’s degree sitting on my computer desk, but I won’t have this job that I love after May. My contract is not being renewed. Don’t know yet whether that is just my one school or across the board. Basically in the nicest way possible, I was told that it makes no difference how legit my medical reasons for being out are. I am out too much and although they no longer think it is a matter of me “abusing” the system there will not be a position there for me next year. File for disability and find a part-time position as an online professor or something with more flexibility were the suggested solutions. Glowing reviews on everything else, how much I have improved, basically I’m a great teacher when I’m there but I don’t have a job. Although the logical, rational side of my brain understands and knew this was a possibility, my survival instinct, my belief in what is right and naïve hope that the extra mile I go would be enough have left me reeling. So I have spent the last 3 years of my life pursuing a dream that I will not get to live? WTF?? My next year contract would have been a huge raise for me. This degree is worthless without the paycheck that it is supposed to allow me to earn the living I need and have worked for. Then after that lovely meeting this morning, I got the pleasure of having my 2nd or 3rd observations to determine if I will get my full teaching certification. Only to find out that this also puts that in jeopardy. The act like the deviants they are while I’m being observed and half my actors are missing to rehearse the play that we are to put on next Friday. A play that the were supposed to write their own parts for and find photos, etc. But just like last year, I wound up writing the whole thing, the powerpoint presentation and the soundtrack, maybe if I could act out all 12 parts I’d still have a job. But if I find something sooner I don’t have to finish out the year at work, joy joy then I can be accused of breaking my contract. I’m going to bed early. I cried all fucking day about this shit, and not I’m just mad and depressed. Why bother. Good Night Cruel world, I depart for sweet dreams. LeeAnn In the midst of the storm With my sails tattered and torn I lash myself to the helm And keep searching for that harbor so warm I hear it in their voices as they tell me to be strong The worry, the fear “She can’t fall a part, she’s always the one who’s strong” What happens when I’ve given all I can? What happens when the waves are just too much? I don’t know how not to fight I don’t know how not to survive But I’m damn sure ready to start doing some thrive Do I even dare hope? Do I even dare dream? That behind this heartache is a better surprise? At what point do you just surrender, To the powers that be Say I can’t take anymore, just let me be. If you’ve fought all your life for the things you know are right If you’ve spent your not so long life, fighting the good fight Take care of your family Make good grades Do the right things and it will bring you great praise Then why is it I’m still cowering, alone Why is it I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night Then why is it you’re always stuck crying in the dark of night. LAC 02/18/09  Kisses, LA    |
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Great poem. Kisses
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Awww...this sucks. Maybe though this means you can move? Different area, different state maybe? I'm so sorry. 
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I'm sorry to hear this LeeAnn... You are strong and you will find a way to come out on top through this...but it is exhausting to fight through things all the time.
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